A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

I’ve not posted in a while … still trying to get the financial stuff to court - stbex is dragging it out as long as possible, despite wanting it all to be done apparently. I’m exhausted by it tbh. I’ve moved out as the house was sold so as not to lose the buyer. So close to this being done yet still so far 😭

@harlemriver What a fabulous update. Thanks for sharing - hoping things continue to get better and better for you. Wishing you joy and contentment.

@harlemriver I love this update! I wish I could hear more about the fling! 🤣 Good for you, I'm so pleased.

I have less than a week to go until the first anniversary of it all going tits up. God knows where the time went.

Thanks @CleanShirt and @ithinkicanithinkican - the first fling was a very daunting divorce milestone for me and I'm mostly relieved it's now done! I might even be ready to venture onto the OLD apps now, and I never ever thought I'd say that.

The one year anniversary is also a big milestone and it forces a lot of reflection. I'm starting to see a two-year anniversary looming and can't believe that so much time has passed and yet it still feels so raw and unreal in many ways. The psychology of divorce is so intense. I had no idea until it happened to me, but it seems to be similar for everyone (at least those of us that actually stop and process it rather than run into new relationships!!).

My counsellor said it's often at two years that people really complete the divorce grieving and fully start to move on, so be gentle with yourself for a while yet. Untangling a lifetime's experience and hopes and dreams is brutal. Treat yourself to nice things and be as kind to yourself as you can for the next while, there's a lot of layers of feelings to deal with.

Morning all. Just need a little offload...

Tomorrow is 1 year since ex h "dropped the bomb" (he didn't actually leave until the 4th January but instead I had an absolutely miserable few weeks including Christmas because I knew he had one foot out the door). Already divorced at his insistence, obviously very keen to move on with the girl he was adamant he wasn't leaving me for.

i don't know if it's the anniversary or the time of year, but he and OW are taking up a lot of brain space at the moment. I broke my own rule on Saturday night and looked at her Instagram - they were together on Crete, the place where exh and I had planned to retire to. It set me off into the sort of tears I haven't had for months.

Did anyone else find anything similar around their fist anniversary? Is this normal?

I recently stopped therapy after 11 months as I was frankly quite bored of talking about the same thing over and over, but wonder if I should go back.

I’m a year gone too. Weirdly similar date wise. He moved out first week January too.
God it’s hard but better out.

How are you feeling about Christmas? Used to be my favourite time of year but he saw to that last year.

I think it may be the time of year. My ExH & his new partner are taking up more headspace than I’d like and although I thought I was moving forward to a more indifferent position I’ve been feeling quite sad about the whole situation. It doesn’t help that he’s being a crappy parent to one of our children at the moment, in that he moved his new girlfriend in when said child told him she wasn’t ready to even meet her yet nevermind live with her 50% of the time.

I think it is normal though to feel this way. This process isn’t linear.

The year anniversary is difficult, and this time of year is difficult, and knowing that your ex is having a lovely time while you are struggling is difficult, and learning that he is utterly selfish and cruel and uncaring is difficult. It's all difficult!!

You've been doing so well - @CleanShirt but also @Iamnotapotato and @Verysad1978 . You will get through this wobble too and there will be much better times ahead.

I found a good blog with lots of words of wisdom. It's called lessons from the end of a marriage - worth a look for a small pep talk and for hope that things will get better soon.

I am not at the year mark yet and I do think that any anniversary will be tough .So sorry for those that are experiencing it and I think the first Christmas / any Christmas will be tough as it is a family time for most people and tied up with memories .

Since my first post on this thread I have in fact found out that my ex does indeed have a new partner and hooked up with her not long after I had told him I did not see any prospect of a reconciliation . I had said that as he had continued with some of the behaviour that had led to our split in the first place , hadn't really shown much remorse and hadn't really made any effort .

I think a difficulty is that men in general seem to be able to move on very quickly and women less so . Whilst I knew it was a distinct possibility that he would meet someone else , I shocked myself by how painful I have found it .
I am sad that for my children this is one more thing that he will prioritise over their happiness . He already has a very active social life , friendship group and hobbies .

Although he had already been unfaithful I am also sad that I am so easily replaced once again . Although I accept that he had already checked out of the relationship when he met OW no 1 .

I am annoyed at myself for giving this so much headspace ever since I found out . Especially as it is clear that he isn't at all remotely thinking of me / my welfare .

Due to the children I also have to see him on an almost daily basis .
Any tips from those that are further along how to get over it ? Or does it just take the two year period as others have posted ?

I am of an age and also have medical issues that another relationship is not remotely a possibility . Not that I would be looking for one anyway and the prospect of OLD is not something I would consider .

Hi all, hope everyone is doing as ok as possible. I'm mostly ok but finding Christmas things are making me dip. I'm also annoyed that STBEX is perfectly fucking happy while I struggle. Twat.

@PancakesForElephants I struggle with that too. Takes up a lot of headspace x

Well swings and fucking roundabouts!

Now I'm delighted with myself that I can do whatever I want, and I never ever have to listen to him or put up with his shudder inducing sex pest ways again.

Yes it means I have to do it all myself but that, sex included, can only be a plus rather than comprising myself.

What was I sad about!?! He's set me free! Not that I'm planning to thank him anytime soon ....

Just checked in for first time in a little while and love your update @PancakesForElephants so glad that you have swung back into liberation mode. It is so hard when the dark feelings descend, but as with toothache once they lift it feels like being reborn. Glad you are feeling pleased with yourself - you should be!

(Also, I have often found it helpful to think of my ex as a weaselly little twat, so thanks for that phrase!)

Hello All

Just caught up on the thread and glad some of you are doing much better.

To those who are not.... you will one day. Trust me you will! There will be a day, that you just wake up and feel finally done. Don't set timeliness, just sit with your pain and emotions. Feel them and then move on.

I am doing well now. Ex hasn't seen DC in 2 months ( I have finally stopped all contact until he cleans up from his addiction). In that time he has left the OW 4 times. It's so entertaining... He has tried to re-emerge and threaten me with court now that I don't care for his I made a mistake and want my family back, so he has been blocked on absolutely everything. There is 0 contact, he can't see my social media etc. He is raging about that as apparently I ruined his Christmas as he isn't allowed to see DC because he thinks he can dip in and out of their lives. Tough luck mate. Life is glorious 🙌🏼

I am starting to date properly now as I'm finally ready albeit childcare is a bit sparse. I have certainly learned what I want and don't want so there is that as a positive.

I wish you all the same outcome, finally moving on and getting the life you want. You all deserve it and it will happen.

Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas. Make the best of it, as you don't know what's round the corner. 🎅 🎄

Hi all. Hoping everyone managed to have as peaceful a Christmas as possible.

I found yesterday very difficult and had to go to bed for a cry in the evening (at my dad's house). I've woken up today full of lurgy and feeling very upset and sorry for myself. I think the loneliness has kicked in - I'm in a spare room alone while he is having a lovely time with OW.

Sorry, rant over.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Please be kind to yourself. There isn't a timeline for moving on and you will get there. You don't know if he is having a lovely time.. we never know what goes on behind closed doors and you should never concentrate on what time he is having or what he is doing. Please put that energy into yourself because you deserve all your time and energy. Sending hugs

@CleanShirt sorry you're having a tough time. Thing is, you'll get better and your ex will still be a weasely little twat. Your job now is to be the best you that you can be, regardless of what he does Xx

My Xmas was quiet, picked up DS for Xmas day PM just me and him duo fun, out and about. STBEX was on brand for being his own brand of Weaselly Little Twat, absolutely no recognition of it might be hard for me to be without DS, and joined in the polite pick up cup of tea with aged rellies. WTF, WLT! Although maybe its's actually easier to expect twattery, then not so hard when it inevitably rocks up
Le sigh.

I haven't posted for a while, but have been lurking. The divorce is going though but it is very slow progress. This Christmas has been really hard, it's the second one post separation. I haven't seen another human I know since Christmas Eve, and won't until I go back to work on the 2nd Jan. It is such a long time with no human interaction and I am really struggling. I am so, so angry at STBXH. This is entirely his fault that I am in this position. My friends have been wonderful throughout this nightmare, but have not made contact, which is entirely understandable, they have their own families to spend Christmas with, and I don't for a minute think they should be keeping me occupied.

I am desperate for the new year to be done so I can get back to a routine.

Hugs to all.

Hey @Itisallgoingtobeok, sending you lots of love. I found this one hard too and have been on my own a lot. At least it's almost done now!! X

@CleanShirt - thank you! I think it's this year that realisation has hit that I will have a very lonely life. I'm 50, have no children. Because of what STBXH did to me, I don't see myself ever being in a place to be able to have another relationship again. I'm so desperately sad.

@Itisallgoingtobeok I'm feeling exactly the same at 40. Hoping that our brains will improve a little once the festive season is out the way. Do drop me a DM if you ever want to chat / rant x

Hey, I thought I would join this thread. DH told me he wanted to split Boxing Day and is now at a hotel for a week. I’m at home with DD (5). Feel sick and sad. Struggling to stay happy in front of little one. She isn’t back at school until 7th

I’m the same age and for the first year after my separation, I was really lonely, and I threw myself into work. As a freelancer, I was fortunate to have as much work as I wanted, so I took on evenings and weekends as well as daytime projects. It helped me stay busy, and it also allowed me to build a stronger financial position, which gave me some peace of mind.

This past year, I’ve made an effort to focus more on hobbies and socialising. I discovered modern tabletop games, and they’ve been amazing for both meeting new people and keeping my mind active. Learning new games has been such great mental stimulation—it’s like a fun puzzle every time—and I’ve loved the challenge. I now go out three nights a week with different groups, and it’s been such a positive shift for me. It feels great to have something to look forward to, a way to keep growing, and a community of people who share my interests.

Also, I can totally relate to not being with another man since my separation and I absolutely don’t foresee that in my future. For me, it’s been about rediscovering who I am as an individual and focusing on building a life that feels good on my own terms. Having hobbies and social outlets has helped me feel more fulfilled and confident in this phase of life.

I hope this helps and that you can find something similar to spark your passion.

@Itisallgoingtobeok I’m so sorry for how you’re feeling, it’s a really tough time of year for our situation.

I actually haven’t felt too bad this Christmas as opposed to last Christmas, like you this is my 2nd one post sep / div. I’ve been a bit surprised at how okay I’ve been for the past 2 / 3 weeks as I discovered at the end of Nov that Ex H and his girlfriend have each sold their houses, almost certainly meaning they’ve bought somewhere together. That really did set me back hugely. So yes, a little shocked that I’ve been okay, even though other than my work through the day, I’ve been mainly alone. I say that to point out that at any time you could suddenly find yourself not feeling too bad - in my case nothing particular happened, I just felt okay-ish. But I realise I can just as easily go the other way at any point too.

Like you, I have no children, plus I truly don’t see me wanting to get involved with anyone else, and so my life going forward does look rather empty and lonely. And friends, yes they have their own lives and there isn’t that special person around you any more. I also completely blame ExH! This is not where I thought I would be in my late fifties.

I think for you it will help when the divorce is wrapped up, that brings its own sadness, but it’s also a bridge crossed. Something I’ve contemplated looking into is visiting older people living on their own, company for them and me! Maybe that’s something you could think about? I admire @Didsomeonesaydogs for finding outlets and getting out there. I’m not the most social person in the world and generally I’m good in my own company, but sometimes I can dip down into self pity!

Let’s hope 2025 takes us all on a few more steps, and sorry @Eggegggoose that you find yourself here, hopefully you’ll find this thread such a help over the next weeks and months.

💐 and hugs to all of you xx