A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

Hi all,

I'm sorry to hear about those who are really struggling, it is so so hard. And thanks to those who have posted positive stories, it does give a bit of hope that there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

I posted on this thread back in June. My ex dh moved out in March. I initiated the separation after years of emotional abuse, he was gradually getting worse and worse to me and told me that he'd stopped loving me a few years before then.

I am struggling so much, I've had thoughts that I just don't want to be here any more, but I would never do anything. We have 2 teen dc and I miss them so much when they are with my ex.

I've been through so many stages of grief - feeling shock and anger about how I was treated for years. Like many of you, I just cannot get my head around how the loving, caring, seemingly kind and gentle man turned into such an angry aggressive man, who seemed constantly irritated or contemptuous of me. By the end he seemed to hate me. I am currently feeling that I must have played a big part in him stopping loving me, maybe I didn't accept him for who he was, maybe I asked too much of him. He had mental health problems and a breakdown and I know I tried everything to help and support him with it, but maybe I went about it the wrong way. I know his job was a big part of it, he felt very stressed and pressured by it, but he blamed me and said that I was the main reason for his breakdown.

I just feel so so devastated that the family life I had is now over, I just can't see a future at all. I wanted to be a family with him and the dc, now that will never happen. Everything seems so bleak.

@greennaomi I'm sorry you're in this situation, it sounds so hard.

I think it's probably not uncommon for dc to react like this sometimes. My dc have seemed ok up till now, but then at the weekend I had a bit of an issue with my ex - he was being passive aggressive and moody and I tried to assert my boundaries. My dd overheard everything, got upset and then basically took my ex's side and went off to his house with him. It was the first time that anything like that had happened, and it was like a gut punch, as it felt like she'd chosen him over me.

But like you say, I'm trying not be be clingy or needy, I know this situation must be so hard for the dc too. Something I've read, I'm not sure if it's on this thread or somewhere else, is that dc can often feel out of control in this situation, so they might respond well to having more control eg choosing which house they want to spend time in, or what activities they do. You mentioned that the dc are staying with you alternate weeks, I was just wondering if your dc are ok with that or is it potentially quite a lot of moving around? It's difficult to find the right schedule though I know.

I'm also dreading Christmas as it's going to feel so strange.

I think I've heard that the first year, getting through all the milestones is really hard, then it can get better. I really hope so!

@Bluebreeze don't blame yourself. This is not on you. My ex had been v unhappy/ bitter before he ended things, I think he was very resentful I didn't or wouldn't do everything he wanted, and I was resentful that the expected compromise was all mine, and it didn't make him happy anyway. Someone else said, we made ourselves small for them, and then they resent us for being small.

So much better for ourselves to get out of compromise mode, but hard too!

I also hear you on milestones and Christmas. Bloody Christmas. My stbex seems to think we can spend it together, but his actions mean I can't stand to be in the same room as him, and I just know this will be presented to DS and exes family as me being unreasonable/ making the choice, when he has made it impossible.

If you have any advice on DC schedule setting I'd be v grateful, I'll have to do this when I move out and dreading it TBH.

Hello All

I have been quiet as a lot has been going on with the ex... further 3 months of i want my family back but secretly disappearing and continuing drugs. Things have changed 3 weeks ago when the whole family gave him an ultimatum, and at least he woke up and is getting clean.

I worry however as he has restarted the I made a mistake, it was the drugs scenario and I feel I'm going to get pulled in and give him another chance. The feelings are still there and DC still ask for him back but I fear nothing will change and even if somehow I could get over the shit show, what's stopping him from getting back into drugs or leaving again? It would almost feel like a permission to do that because I allowed him back. I'm trying to manage my head and DCs expectations saying we are not getting back together only for him to say never say never.

Feel like I can't win. As soon as I start to do better, something messes it up.

Keep me sane

@GreyCloudsAbove sorry things have been hard. And sorry also that your ex has put you in an impossible situation. You are right, there is nothing to stop him leaving and/or starting drugs again, other than himself. And recent history would suggest he hasn't got it in him to not behave like a dick. I'm sorry, I'm sure you are lovely, but how he's behaved shows he's not your person. It's not your job to fix him, police him, dedicate all your precious spare mental energy to him. His poor choices have invalidated that. He's not the person he pretended to be. It wasn't the drugs. It was the person choosing to take them.

You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.

He can say "never say never" all he likes but sounds like your best option is to decide for you whether it's never, and crack on with making things work on that basis.

Thanks Pancakes, this is completely right and the same thing that family and friends are saying. I still feel kind of stuck with him even though it's been more than 1.5 years now ! Drugs and another woman were a choice in my eyes but according to drug therapist, it was all impact of an addiction and completely out of his control. That's how I get sucked in, almost feeling like I'm unreasonable and don't understand he was actually the victim not perpetrator. Then there are DC wanting their dad back even though he wasn't around much.

Mess, mess, mess and I'm so sick of this.

@GreyCloudsAbove one interpretation of his actions is that he's the victim. Another is that he had agency and made poor choices at your expense. I totally understand what a mind fuck it is to try to reconcile those options, but I don't think you can, hence you are stuck. To move forward, I guess you have to pick one: which do you think is correct?

And even if he is a victim of drugs, then you are still allowed to say, it hurt you too much to continue in a relationship. You don't have to sacrifice yourself for him. With some clarity and boundaries, the kids will adjust. If he wasn't around much even when you were together, perhaps what they miss is the idea of a good father?

Something else I've read in a few places that resonated is that it's time for you to be selfish about what you want and what is best for you. Which is really hard if you've been people pleasing all your life! Take care.

Someone please tell me this stops hurting at some point. Everytime I think I’m gaining some ground, he does something else and leaves me feeling completely worthless. How on earth do I get over being dumped for someone else after 14years of marriage and 2 kids.

@user1583 it does. The old cliché of time is a healer is absolutely true. Have you got a good support network to surround yourself with? X

@user1583 as @CleanShirt said it does get better, much, much better. I am 18 months down the road and I won't pretend that I don't sill have bad days, I do. Those bad days are not as bad, and not as frequent as they were, and I can find joy in life again. I came to the conclusion that I was just going to have to let it work through. Take care and be kind to yourself.

It does get better.

I'm still in the circle as not only has ex been coming back asking for chances, I also had to supervise DCs contact with him due to drugs and he tries to play on my emotional state and use the kids when I shut down him coming back. I sometimes wonder if better the devil I know than the one I don't but the more time pass, the clearer I see it. Manipulation of the highest order. You will be fine, but you have to go through the hurt and feel it all.

I seem to be going through a struggle relapse. After all my posting on here about how much better I'm doing blah blah, I have found myself in a new wave of pain and regret and sadness. And insomnia!

It sort of feels like I'm back at the beginning again, wondering if things could have been fixed and where it went wrong and wondering if I lost a good husband after all. Logically I know it's simple - he left me because he fell for someone else (they are together now), he treated me badly when we were married and has abandoned me entirely since we've separated. He's been a total shit to me and yet part of me is still tied to the illusion that kept me married to him for so long and wondering if I'd done things differently could we have been happy after all.

I know he will look like a great catch to the new woman. Who knows, maybe they really are a true love story and I was just the collateral damage in bringing them together. Meanwhile I have a lot of problems on multiple fronts and it feels like the gulf between where I am right now and where I want to be is enormous. It's exhausting just thinking about how much I need to do to get where I want/need to be.

I'm just venting really. I know all the reassuring things that I normally say to others, I know that these feelings will pass, I know that his happiness or otherwise doesn't affect my life, I know I can't go back to that marriage and when I am totally honest wouldn't want to, and I know that while he looks like a great catch on the surface my ex is utterly selfish and I was very unhappy by the end. And he had ED and a hidden porn addiction so really not a great catch at all! So why the relapse? This is such an exhausting process.

Hey

I'm sorry to hear you are back to that stage. Totally feel you as I just had to cut any contact with ex again.

There are few things I have figured out that really helped me in recent few weeks and I am actually getting stronger and realise I don't care as much

Firstly, men that move to a new relationship via cheating, carry all their problems into it. They have not worked through anything, so sooner or later, that relationship most likely will fail ( based on statistics and my ex relationship which has broken down before it actually trully started).

Secondly, men move on into relationships, so they don't think of the ex. They shift their focus and appear happy. Problem with most women is we are builders and often fight to keep long relationships going because majority would be fixable if both parties worked on it.

Thirdly, majority of men that move on through cheating, move onto women of lower standard. It sure was the case for mine. He couldn't cope with me having career prospects, doing stuff independently, he didn't feel a man enough because I didn't need him. I chose him, but he didn't want to be chosen, he wanted to be someone's hero. Well in her eyes, he was a hero because she was so hopeless she couldn't even cook. I had much greater standards and needed emotional maturity and someone aiming for the same goals as me, I.e. have a great family life. With her, there was no responsibility so he felt free and at the start more happy, until he realised that there is noone there to push him to do better and achieve greater things in life. According to therapists, weak men prefer weaker women so they feel superior. Some might not agree, but I watched it with my friends and my own scenario.

You will continue to relapse until you let go. I'm nearly there. I feel calmer, happier, less anxious. I realise more and more that this man never really made me happy, because I wasn't happy with myself. I allowed him to treat me poorly, allowed boundaries to be broken, allowed words to sway me over actions. He tried the word game again, only for me to know better this time.

Let go. Do what you want to do. It really helps me to concentrate on things I always wanted to do and he wasn't interested in, like go to the theatre.

Feel free to DM me. Happy to have a pen pal or even meet up one day. I have great friends that really listened to my drama over and over, and ultimately saved me with their honesty and holding me accountable. You can do it!

Hey @harlemriver. So sorry you're feeling that way - done bear yourself up, the road to recovery is absolutely not linear, no matter how long it's been! Just look after yourself and know that your feelings are valid - you'll just have to work through this little blip xx

Thanks @GreyCloudsAbove and @CleanShirt I appreciate the support. It's just so confusing!!! Ive found a book that is helping a lot, 'The Abandonment Recovery Workbook' . It has a super helpful (to me anyway) explanation of the heart/mind contradiction where feelings keep trying to take you back to a situation and person that intellectually you understand to be damaging. I read some of it earlier this morning and it has helped settle my mind after a few days of turmoil.

This is something that's been a real challenge for me all along. I don't know if it is similar for others, but because my ex has had almost no contact with me, I feel like I'm always filling in the absence with my own versions of things and I can't find a 'reality', a stable understanding of what really happened and why. But then, the lack of contact and communication is also saying something important and I prob need to really recognise that!

@harlemriver You and I were starting out on this journey at about the same time last year, if I remember rightly? I completely understand where you're coming from on the struggle relapse. I'm still going through my divorce, which has turned quite nasty, and ridiculously expensive, so am not out of the woods on that score yet. STBXH has found himself a new woman, or maybe had her all along, I'm not sure, and I'm finding myself struggling with the realisation that he's living this new, shiny life with a new woman and high-paying job, while I'm still plodding on, much less financially stable that I was with a very precarious future ahead of me. It's all just so unfair, and while I was able for quite a long time to console myself with the thought that I'm much happier without him (which I am), I'm finding the feelings of anger are growing instead of subsiding. I know eventually I'll stop thinking about what he's done to me, but just at the moment I'm absolutely furious and struggling to make sense of how on earth we got to this position. Anyway, I just wanted to say, I'm with you, sister! It's a long long journey, but we'll get to a better, happier place eventually.

Hello @cakeoverexercise ! Yes, we have been on similar timings. I'm sorry yours has turned nasty and totally understand your feelings about the future and money and the general injustice of the whole thing. I have similar problems. It is so hard, though I suppose that is logical given that it is the whole foundation of our lives, pasts and futures...

I was totally naive at the outset, thought I would be over it in 3-6 months but 18 months down the line it still feels like it happened yesterday. And my ex is so difficult to understand. I have no idea what is going on in his head or life and yet can't seem to let go of trying to figure it out, and also still fall into feeling sympathetic to him, god knows why. So I cycle between all the negative stuff - rage and sadness and fear and loneliness - and never quite know what is the 'appropriate' response. (I do have a lot of happier times too - it's still true that in general I am happier living apart than we were together - but it's definitely not straightforward).

You might find the workbook I mentioned above helpful too.You can find pdf versions online to check the content before you buy.

Solidarity, comrades!

How I envy your no contact! I have to be in contact due to DC and he uses it to reel me in with I still love you, I want my family back. The difference now is though that last week something snapped in me and I have refused contact at my place and use inlaws instead. I also made it clear that communication is to be done regarding DC only. I think it is to do with the fact his words don't match his actions and he has done nothing to try to win us back ( before head on drugs were an excuse, but now he's clean he can't blame that anymore so in my eyes has no excuse for not doing what he says he will do). It this was a bucket of ice cold water because somehow I didn't see that before. I think my heart is catching up to my head finally and soon i will be totally indifferent.

I will always be resentful that he has blown up our lives and DC now have to go between houses, but I guess in the long run he has done us a favour at the same time as I'm actually much happier and calmer and doing a lot more with DC that I did with his sorry arse around.

Yes I can see that no contact is easier, not having to engage with them all the time. That definitely helped me a lot at the beginning. The problem is that it has also frozen things at that time because there hasn't been ongoing discussion and an evolving relationship of separation. It's just kind of stuck at bombdrop day. And that's hard for me now because it all feels so unreal.

Plus it is obviously very hurtful to feel so comprehensively cast aside and forgotten. So then I start finding other stories to tell myself, that he is in a midlife crisis and confused and lost and this is all a big misunderstanding and we will have a reconciliation, and ok it will be embarrassing that our friends and families have coached us through the past year and listened to all the gory details but they will be happy if we are happy, and of course we will be happy now because we've realised what a mistake divorce would be. That's the kind of stuff I start thinking. Madness!

@GreyCloudsAbove i just wanted to post to say thank you for your words of wisdom. It sounds like we have similar ex stories and reading your words has been really helpful for me.
Everyone on this thread is so supportive and strong - it’s like having a therapy session in my pocket! We will all get through this stage and find happiness again! Keep going awesome people!

I agree @user1583 I've been thinking a lot about @GreyCloudsAbove words today, especially the point that you/I will continue to relapse until you let go. It's really struck home for me.

I have been going through thoughts of reconciliation mainly because he kept coming back saying he wants to reconcile. That's a mindfuck and a half and totally understand how you are feeling.

What had helped me is to do a mindmap - my therapist suggested it. Start with you + him in the middle and keep drawing lines from it with positives and negatives things from relationship and post relationship. Then from each of those reasons draw more lines with more clouds and write in those all positive or negative examples of his treatment. Let's say one line with a sentence in a circle / cloud for me was he left his family. Then from that I have span several other lines with clouds... one had because he was confused due to drugs. The other said he didn't care enough for me or his DC to stay and work out issues. Another said he barely saw DC since he left so he didn't care for them. And so on. I then used 2 colours to differentiate positive and negative clouds. I had to stick 4 A4 sheets of paper together because it was so big and kept adding to it when something popped in my head. I am pretty much finished now and when I have it all in colour I can see so clearly how bad he actually was. I am mind blown and it has put things into massive perspective for me and why I stopped the ruminating.

It might sounds like a batshit idea to some, but mind maps are used in business and by students to help illustrate the topic quickly and to stick to the facts. I can't have it on the wall due to DC but it's hanging in my wardrobe so every day I open it, I see it. I see what he has done and started to develop the ick. Once you get the ick, there is no going back.

You are welcome. 3 weeks ago I was still in a mess... the snapping point just comes one day and you think to yourself wtf was I thinking and wasting all that time on. I didn't think I was going to reach that point yet but here it is. My friends are ecstatic 🤣

I have read both threads, twice. I have read tons of threads in similar suggestions. I have read recommended books, and extra books I have found myself. The chump lady website was a godsend too. I did therapy, and will continue with it but only to improve myself. I've moved on from discussing ex and the relationship. I have learned to put myself first.

You can do it, you will do it and one day will praise the universe for setting you free ❤️

@GreyCloudsAbove thank you for your wise words.

This really struck a chord with me: Once you get the ick, there is no going back.

When my STBEX first binned me off, I was in a panic and trying to get things back to "normal". And crucifying myself with jealousy as he dates his OW.

With time, therapy, wine and wise friends I've realised that that normal was a bit shit. And there are things I haven't told my friends about being regularly guilted / sulked into sex stuff that STBEX had the fucking temerity to complain about after we split, which have given me all the ick I need to not pine for one second more about that twat. Bleurgh.

Oh @harlemriver I could have written your entire post there! I was also on here last year and it was so helpful to me then and still is, although it’s a long time since I posted. Like you, I am still struggling. I had a terribly stressful year last year - separated Feb 2023, divorced by Nov but still stuck in the house until Feb this year. I’m settled into my flat now and have areas where I am fortunate, BUT I feel no closer to letting go. Ex husband is still in his shiny new relationship. I let the contact slip several months ago and I know that was the right thing to do.

I sent him a letter earlier this week, something I thought about doing for many weeks, and I have no regrets at all. I said things I never got to say and told him exactly what I thought of all his behaviour over the past couple of years.

I don’t really do social media but slightly by chance I came across his new girlfriends Facebook page a few weeks ago (I never even knew her surname before so it was a bit of a fluke!). Of course despite knowing it’s a slippery slope, I looked! There had never been any mention of him or pictures of him publicly in the few weeks I’d looked, so there wasn’t a great deal to see. Unfortunately I looked again today (I know😒) and for the first time there was a comment from him which indicated they definitely are still together. The post was from 2 days ago, which is the day he would almost certainly have received my letter. Did he feel such disdain for me that he was prompted to post publicly on her page for the first time?

And exactly like you said, right now he will seem like the most perfect catch, and she will think she’s the luckiest girl in the world. And also just like you, when friends say ‘oh he’ll do it to her in a few years’, I sometimes think maybe she’s more perfect for him than I was. And I find that painful.

I’m just venting too I guess, I do still miss what we once had and there’s no question he was the love of my life. The pain is still so raw sometimes, as if no time has passed. I feel so much for all of us still struggling 💐