A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

@PancakesForElephants sorry, couldn't help with the anger thing, but glad you found something to help you through.

I do relate to the feeling of having good stuff outside the home, and then not wanting to go home as the negative stuff is there waiting.

Hello,
I went through a difficult divorce more than 10 years ago and have just finished a blog on my own journey since then. also included in the piece is a podcast interview. I hope my experience can comfort some of you. This phase is only temporary. Sending everyone blessings.

Processing the Pain of Divorce at Work

Hello all. I just want to say a big thank you to everyone. My STEXDH and I seperated at the end of 2023 after 10 years of marriage.

It was awful, the threats, the verbal, emotional and legal abuse. I was stressed, ill, constantly anxious, had nightmares. Took time off work. Felt like a failure, my self confidence was rock bottom from being exchanged for a shiny younger version. I spent time in the evenings alone reminiscing about happy days, thinking about what 'they' were doing... thinking why wasn't I good enough? The mental torture went round in loops. It was bad.

But I got through it, and here I am a different person. I thought it would take years to recover - it didnt. I slowly realised he wasn't the person I thought he was, and once I accepted that, and understood the type of man he was, everything got easier. The ruminating stopped. The regret stopped. My desire to correct his narrative of how our marriage was years of misery stopped - I just didn't care.
I no longer care.

This thread was a lifeline in those early raw days, thanks to everyone who was supportive. And anyone currently going through it I send all my love.

Evening everyone. Has anyone has couples counselling to allow you to negotiate finances amicably and then coparent? My stbxh has suggested we do this. On the face of it, it would be a reasonable idea but one of the reasons we are getting divorced is because of his narcissistic tendencies and his need for dominance. Having had marriage therapy about 10 years ago after which it became clear he lied through a lot of it, these seems to me to be another “power” move wherein I suspect he will try to get a therapist on side and tell me I’m a lunatic. So I don’t think us having therapy would be anything but for his benefit. Or am I being unfair? Has anyone found it helpful?

Hi @Lorelaigilmore88 what a lovely message to read from you, and I am so pleased that you’re feeling better, stronger, over things with your ex and ready to move forward.

@LoisLanyard I haven’t I’m afraid. Me and my ex had some couples counselling to try and save things (which didn’t work). But we haven’t tried it to try and separate finances etc. I only wonder whether you try an initial session and see how you feel. If it doesn’t feel safe - or productive, you can opt out of any further sessions? It’s hard as you want to be seen to show willing, but it must be very tough if you know how your ex operates and how he might use things to his advantage.

Just popping on to rant. 8 weeks this week since I told him we're separating and this time didn't let him change my mind.

And I'm just annoyed because I know I have unrealistic expectations. The house has been on the market a week. No viewings. (I think it's on too high.)

Although we're amicable, I can't stay living together for ever. Things that contributed to the separation (his inability to manage some family relationships) mean that I'm still dealing with people and situations I really want to avoid. He never goes anywhere, so I have to go out if I don't want to be around him. I just want to be able to be in my own he without him.

I know these things take ages, but it's so frustrating.

How is everyone doing? Hope things are moving onwards and upwards.

I'm still stuck living with STBEX while i try to find somewhere else to live so have to put up with seeing him a lot. I mostly treat him like an annoying work colleague now. Polite indifferent detachment.

Last week felt v positive about future, much more like me. Been noticing how much I'd compromised for the relationship and how little he compromised.

This week, bit trickier. DS is raging bag of hormones, I can feel I need to hold it together for him. I also need to get moving on practical things like sorting my.will, but I seem to be a bit stuck there. Work also tricky. And I'm tired. Wake up at 5 am if I'm lucky.

And eating too many biscuits! I was getting back into exercise, feeling physically stronger, but wiped out by another bout of COVID and now it's wall to wall choc digestives and sitting on my arse.

Hey @PancakesForElephants and everyone else! Really sorry your living situation is still going on, is there anything on the horizon?

My divorce came through.. 3 days before my wedding anniversary, less than 10 months after he left me. I also went to sell my engagement ring to get some holiday spends - it was fake, not even real gold. I wonder if he'd been planning this all along??

I've been ill for over a week too, and it's been my first time living alone and being ill. Did not enjoy one bit.

Hope everyone is well and hanging in there.

I'm still here! Still with my H. It's killing me. I just cannot work how to get out. I can't get him out. I think seeing him as a colleague is a great way @PancakesForElephants - i do this quite a bit and he always describes me as a 'ice queen' and 'cold'. he doesn't realise if i wasn't like that i'd be crying on the floor. i feel like my life is on hold and i hate it.

@CleanShirt not even real gold!?!? Wow.

Housing market is a bit weird near me, few houses/flats, expensive, go fast. Maybe need to move further but then that's harder for DS. But not too close!

Sorry you've been ill too. I was also ignored. But at least I didn't get noticeably judged for having the gall to be ill.

@24istheyear mine also with the spectacular lack of empathy. Absolutely brass neck of calling you cold! What choice do we have, it's all part of the necessary detachment. My view is, my STBEX has rejected me so he doesn't deserve any of the good stuff. Fuck that.

@pancakesforelephants and everyone, it'd the time of year fotlr.nugs isn't it, sorry to hear a few have been struck.

Think I've finished my From E stuff now, ours should be straightforward so I'm wondering why I went with a solicitor and how ill ever pay off the credit card.

No interest in house, EA says its slow as people are waiting on the budget.

Apart from sleeping in separate rooms, nothing has changed, which makes me realise how dysfunctional we've been for a v long time.

@cleanshirt the not real gold is astounding, what a creep

I feel so shit that my bloody username is @24istheyear because i was determined that 2024 would be the year I finally no longer put up with living with someone who clearly frigging hates me - who tells me i'm doing thigns wrong every day, who pays barely anything towards our home/kids, who rolls his eyes at me when i say i'm tired after being up with kids all night. And it's nearly the end of the year and i have made fuck all progress. just more credit card debt becuase everything, everything is in my name and i pay for 90% of everything. and last time i spoke to him about it he called me a cunt and bitch. i can feel my older kid becoming more attached to him. yesterday H said 'shut up' (in a jokey way) to me and then DS repeated it. I've only got sons and i see a future where they all live together -a ll the boys and i'm just paying for everything /cleaning up after them while they talk to me like utter shit!

Hi all, so grateful to have found this thread (but very sorry that there’s so many of us here)
I'm working my way through reading the whole thing but just wanted to post in case I lose my nerve.
H wants a divorce, told me 3 weeks ago he was unhappy and felt we’d tried but not much had improved. He started the divorce 3 days later. For background, he had an affair 3 years ago, he gaslit, manipulated etc, kept me hanging on, and then I moved out. We never lost contact to be fair, but I knew he was on/off seeing her (younger, work colleague, cliche) there were other issues of his around this time as well, like he’d completely closed off to friends/family/me etc etc.
Then 2 months after I moved out he was there, saying how sorry he was, he’d ended it, it was me he wanted, blah blah. And I believed him and didn’t think we were meant to end to like that, so I agreed to try again. I stayed moved out for 2 years, we worked on our relationship. I finally moved back in 5 months ago and surprise surprise, he’s now not happy. No communication again which I thought we were working better at as we both agreed lots had changed in our relationship to the lead up to the affair (I don’t blame myself for that and neither does he, but I accept blame in where our marriage got to)
I am so angry, and sad, that he has done this to me again. That I have allowed myself to be back in this position. I know nothing is guaranteed but we swore we would speak to each other if ever we felt things weren’t right. But he hasn’t. Granted, things haven’t massively improved in some areas, but we both said after an affair, the relationship almost had to be rebuilt, ground up.
Anyway, he swears he’s not seeing her again, yet I’ve recently found out she is still working in the same company as him, so it doesn’t take a genius to connect up the dots.
I'm just so sad, sad and angry but mainly sad and I know I shouldn’t be cos he’s clearly not worth it. But like previous posters have said, we’re childless (meant to be trying!) and I’m older (40) so feel like everything is gone for me now.
Sorry that’s so depressing, I just can’t even bare the thought of explaining all that in person to ppl, and also having to move yet again when it nearly killed me last time.

@SunnySkiesAndMoonBeams so sorry you're here too, what unbearable cruelty of your ex to do the same thing to you not just once but twice, having sworn he wouldn't! That is indeed extraordinary dickheadery.

But the shame is not yours, it's all on him. His inability to act like a decent human being. His selfishness.

On the moving front, do you have to go? Could he move instead given you did all the legwork/upheaval last time?

Thank you for your reply :) basically yes, I’m the one that lives away from where I work, and this time will be full split of equity so the house will be sold eventually. In order not to go completely crazy living together whilst apart, the sooner I move the better. I just refuse to make a task decision and rent first and then ultimately move again. But it’s not doing me any good being here like this.
Also, so nice to hear someone else say that what he’s done is cruel, I’ve yet to tell anyone yet and feel like I’m the crazy one sometimes for not accepting his, “I’ve tried, I don’t love us anymore” garbage

@SunnySkiesAndMoonBeams I think it's the worst sort of gaslighting, for our exes to be calm and rational and robotic and organised, and to have already moved on emotionally, and then to present it to us as a done deal, and to act all surprised as if it's unreasonable for us to be upset or confused or gasp emotional, or to find it unacceptable that they are seeing someone else, because, you know, they tried.

It's future faking and it's bollocks. They didn't try, they just did what they wanted. They lack courage and integrity to move on with no notice. It snacks of either callous disregard for us as actual humans, or mind numbing selfishness or incredible myopia.

They are not proper humans, and your ex is not fit for purpose. Become selfish, do what suits you, move back closer to your work and take flight without that human millstone. Be nice to yourself, actually be lovely to yourself. xx.

@PancakesForElephants
really resonate with everything you’ve said there, especially the rational/robotic behaviours - infuriating!
I’ve caught up on the whole thread now and see you’re also still living with ex - how are things your end? x
And how is everyone else today?

@SunnySkiesAndMoonBeams yeah it's pretty awks having to see him all the time. He also told our DS immediately so I have to manage that too. Wanker.

@PancakesForElephants oh I’m sorry, that must be awful for you having to deal with the fallout from telling your DS so soon as well.
How long have you been living together like this if you don’t mind me asking? Any tips to survive it?!

Since June. I mostly pretend he doesn't exist, just keep myself to myself. Just a him-shaped blur in the room.

It is very surreal, to go from "he's my best friend" to "he is totally insignificant". At the start I was leaning on him emotionally which made it all much worse. But step back. Plenty of weekends away/hobbies/walks. Counselling. Try to breath through the shit bits (sadness/anger) and wait for the better bits (hope/happiness).

I don't know how long I can last though. No suitable houses/flats. Christmas is looming. I still sometimes can't believe it. >20 years thrown away by him and I just have to suck it up. Gargh.

How is everyone doing? I'm having some good days, but every so often I'm just struck with disbelief that ex has done this.

I guess after 20+ years it takes time for the "new normal" to sink in but the cognitive dissonance is hard. Esp when I have to live with the twat and he's acting no differently except, you know, dating OW so no longer sulking.

Hi, looking for a bit of reassurance and advice. I was living in a long term emotionally abusive relationship with my bad tempered ex. I have two sons 15 and 17. After an explosive argument in march they knew I was actively looking to move out, I moved out in September- it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Agreed they would stay alternate weeks. Now fast forward 6 weeks my youngest is being really hurtful to me, really rejecting me. I am seeing a counsellor and have been trying not to react or be clingy and needy. But he is making comments that suggest he doesn’t want to come here, so I am feeling really hopeless at the moment. Their dad has suddenly become cook of the year and dad of the century. The finances are tight and I feel like I am losing everything. I am normally a positive person. I am active, have friends and a good job but I am really crumbling. I don’t have much family. The thought of Xmas is making me feel physically ill. I just wondered about any mums who have been in any kind of similar situation, how did you build the bridge with your angry teen? Did life return to a new normal? I have a docs appointment today and going to request AD’s for the first time in my life. Did anyone else do that in this difficult period and did it help? Thank you 🙏

I’m late to the club, but your words really resonated with me. I too have been dumped for a shiny, younger model (I feel like a car) and am finding things so hard. Thank you for showing me that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.