A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

There must be something in the air @harlemriver and @AloneAgain2023 as I am struggling massively again too. I had a phase when things didn't seem too bad, but this last week or so has just been awful. STBXH is refusing to engage in the divorce, and so I am stuck in rented and can't move on. I went out today and all the Christmas decorations were out, and it triggered something in me and I almost broke down in the shop. I feel so incredibly alone in the world. I have wonderful friends, but I can't keep leaning on them. They have families of their own and don't need an emotional wreck turning up on their doorstep every weekend.
I miss having someone to come home to, someone who looks pleased to see me. I know that disappeared long ago from my marriage, and I don't regret leaving, but I don't see ever having that again. I think that is what makes me the most sad.

@Itisallgoingtobeok I’m so sorry you’re also struggling. Isn’t it awful. We all have spells where we feel we may have moved forward but then something triggers a downward spiral. I find that I’m triggered by nearly everything, when you’re with someone for many years, everything reminds you. EVERYTHING. TV shows, films, music, places, countrys, pubs, restaurants etc etc. And of course Christmas! I was so unhappy last Christmas but despite a year passing I don’t feel too much further forward. It takes very little to send me back to a real low.

I also feel incredibly alone, friends and family are there but my ex husband was my person, and as you say, even when things have been not great for years, the sadness at losing that life partner is just agony. Like you I genuinely doubt that I will go there again, but the idea of growing old alone is incredibly depressing.

I desperately miss having someone to come home to, and I say that as someone who is generally good in their own company. But I miss that so, so much. And of course knowing he is all happy and shining in his new relationship, and feeling glad he is no longer with me, is unbearable 😔The post I read on his girlfriend’s Facebook page is now burnt into my mind and I can’t unsee it. My fault for looking, but still.

I often think it’s a shame we are all so spread out, as we could all probably benefit so much by getting together. Probably like many, I have no one in real life who is going through it, and people have their own lives and their own challenges and you eventually feel self conscious about banging on about the same topic over and over!

I so desperately wish us all some emotional peace 🙏

Sorry that so many of us are in a similar place at the moment. The start of Christmas stuff is definitely triggering for me and I also feel very very alone and isolated as others are saying

I moved to a quite remote / inaccessible part of England for my ex (he got a job here and I left my dream job elsewhere to accommodate his choices - another of my many regrets). I've been here for about 5-6 years but not made any real friends beyond work colleagues. The pandemic didn't help, and then the past two years have been dominated by separation and divorce. I have friends and family elsewhere but see them very rarely. The isolation is getting me down now and I can't easily find a way out of it because other women my age are mostly busy with kids and families and I can't find people in a similar position to me.

I am trying to think of it as a process and a time of growth rather than misery. Right now I feel a bit like I'm trapped in endless winter but I'm trying to stay focused on what I want my life to be like and to make baby steps towards that. I feel like a seed that's not quite broken through to the light yet - darkness all around for now but there is growth and flourishing ahead if I can survive my way towards it. I hope so anyway!

I'm sorry that Right Now is proving hard for so many. What I've been trying to do recently is feel liberated. Free from the tediousness of having to compromise myself for someone who was too stupid to really see me. Yes I'm complicated, but I deserve better than the tedious drudgery my ex tried to impose on me. If that was the price I'd have to pay to not ever feel physically lonely, then fuck that, it left me with a howling vortex in my heart that I'm now free to fill with friends, music, work, creativity, pottering about doing whatever the hell I want.

Things have shifted for me, approx 5 months from bombshell day, and recently the thought of ever getting back with ex makes me absolutely cringe. I don't recognise who I was as part of that relationship and I realise I was very unhappy. So him swanning off with OW, as painful and gut-wrenching as it was, is doing me the mahoosive favour of not having to cater for him in any sense any more, and it was thankless and tedious and detrimental to me and exhausting. I've rewritten my story with the help of counselling to help me understand how incredibly selfish ex was, and how much I compromised for his vision of the family unit, even though it wasn't my vision and I rarely if ever got listens to or seen. And now I can be selfish, barring things I do for SC. It's actually a fantastic feeling especially for a woman conditioned by society to be subservient and compliant and goody goody. Nah. Not any more.

Once seen, it's hard to unsee, how much patriarchy benefits these selfish men, and how little they think of is, and how casually they tell us what to do and punish us for stepping out of line.

And I feel like that has set me free. Now I don't have to spend my precious energy worrying about him and whether I'm doing it "right", I've got a whole bunch of energy and mental head space I can just use for meeeee and DC and friends. It's amazing, I feel like Dr Who in a regeneration scene!

Fuck you, Dave! (Ex is not called Dave, it was a rallying call from another thread for all of us who've suffered a shit bag ex). I have a "fuck you Dave" list on my phone of all the things I didn't do or buy because of his disapproval and I'm working through them. And shifting my mindset from it being a "fuck you Dave" list to a "welcome to me" list :).

(I realise this might all change; I'm still living with STBEX as he dates his new gf, having ended our 20+ year relationship apparently on a whim and told our DS and his family the very next day so I might feel v differently once one of us moves out. Plus I am awake in middle of night posting on MN!).

Love and liberating power to you all.

.... and maybe we could do a virtual meetup? 🤔

@PancakesForElephants YES!!!

I’ve been separated for nearly 2 years now and this is exactly how I feel.

I was never an equal partner in the relationship. The past 25 years were all about my constantly compromising myself to keep the peace. And him buying his leisure time with my emotional and physical labour. I was a good wife, I just plastered on a smile, told myself “marriage takes work” and made the best of my situation. I guess I was gaslighting myself really.

No more.

The next 25 years are all about pleasing myself. (And my kids when they come to visit!) I’ve never had a better opportunity to put myself first so I’m grabbing it with both hands.

I’m enjoying my work, and I’m getting out and about with new friends (I moved 100 miles to a new area where I didn’t know anyone when we separated). I actually have free time now and I’m able to spend as much of that as I want on my hobbies without feeling guilty. (Much like he did during our marriage!)

I should send the AP a thank you card for showing me who he really is and freeing me from that hostage situation of a marriage.

As women, we are brainwashed from an early age that being partnered is the dream, Disney princesses show us that the goal is to be with a man. Patriarchy perpetuates this nonsense so that women don’t realise life can be so much better alone.

One of my friends said to me “oh it’s such a shame because you’re so young”. She’s been through abusive relationships herself and STILL thinks this. I reminded her I am not prepared to be exploited by a man ever again. I have no need for one. I can hire a handyman for odd jobs I can’t do myself and sex toys are way more efficient than any man ever was. Being partnered with a man serves me no purpose and would just take my time and energy away from my own personal development.

I really love being single.

@Didsomeonesaydogs , @PancakesForElephants , @AloneAgain2023 and @harlemriver its all so hard, but all of your words have helped. I spent most of yesterday crying again, which I haven't done for months. I am stuck in rented as he is stalling on the divorce. He is still in the marital home. I had to leave as it wasn't safe for me to stay. I am so angry at the injustice of it. I know he had an affair, although he never admitted it. At the moment, I don't see an end point at all, and that's making me very unhappy.

I also have a "fuck you" list. I need to revisit it and add to it. I think that might help.

Hugs to all.

Hello All

I'm so sorry to read all your posts... it is gut wrenching to be stuck in that circle, i have been in one for far too long. I had posted here beginning of October about whether ex and I could work things out... but just as above, all my lists and mind maps and writing down what life I actually want ( not a partner I want) made me really realise how unhappy I was for years and I have finally let go. How do I know I finally let go ? Ex wanted to make things work just last weekend .... I have turned him down and guess what ? He has walked back straight to the OW again... yesterday... only that this time, i had actually laughed rather than feel sad. I laughed because it's going to bite him on the arse for the 10th time and now he has fully lost me. The key to letting go is to see that we didn't loose them... they lost us. We were the faithful ones, loyal ones, we compromised, looked after them, etc. They are not the prize, we are !

You go and make the life you want. Yes sure I miss having someone to come back home to, snuggle up with etc... but the more I keep away, the more I notice my life is becoming more peaceful and I can make it into the life I actually want.

If you want to make new friends ? There are apps for that or even local Facebook groups. I have made new groups of friends and I am so grateful for them because despite not knowing them for long time, they have actually supported me fully throughout this shitshow.

You now have the freedom to buy what you want, travel where you want, do hobby you want. You can eat whatever you fancy. Just look at the freedom.

For those going through divorce etc... don't let them see you sad or unhappy. They will prolong your pain because it boosts their egos. They think great, my life is wonderful, it was the right thing to move on while ex is stuck all sad. No! Smile, make memories, be happy. Its not your exes job to make you happy, its yours.

Evening everyone. I am really struggling at the moment. I was hoping it would pass, but it doesn't seem to be. I think it is partly Christmas and also the stalemate in the divorce proceedings. I feel utterly stuck. I am so lonely too. My friends are wonderful but they have their families, and are rightly putting them first. I don't know how I keep going, but I seem to, sometimes minute by minute. The thought of getting up tomorrow and doing it all again seems so huge, I know I will get through it, this isn't how I want my life to be.

I know in a few years I will look back from a very different place, but this seems like an endless hell just now.

Thank you for letting me vent. This thread is such a support, but I hate that there are so many of us here.

Hugs to all.

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. Feel free to DM if you want to chat x

It’s very, very hard @Itisallgoingtobeok I think we are on similar timelines, I don’t post much at all now but return now and again to get strength. Christmas is tough. I’ve been away on business with colleagues and they’re all excited about Christmas. They ask me about my plans and I dont want to bring the mood down so I just say family stuff. It doesn’t occur to them that my life and therefore Christmas has been turned upside down. Like you I look forward to looking back on this in years to come. You’ve been really strong to get to this point, try and continue and know that there are lots of us here struggling with you. Always here on DM if you want to rant some more xxx

I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time @Itisallgoingtobeok and I can relate. I’ve not been too bad for the past couple of days but in general I am still missing my previous life in many ways. Like you, I do sometimes feel lonely even though I’m generally good in my own company. With the best will in the world, for me personally, friends and family don’t compensate for the relationship and partnership that I once had with my ex, but that is no longer an option! After spending a lot of years with that someone, it’s a big adjustment back to being alone again.

It’s very difficult for you being stuck in that limbo, in a rented home, it will be easier when you are on some sort of solid ground. I was stuck living with my ex in our marital home for a year, and I really don’t know how I survived, it took me to the lowest of the lows watching him living his shiny new life with his shiny new girlfriend! Although far from ideal being stuck in rented, at least you have your space away from your ex. For 11 months I thought I would never get to my ‘end point’, and at times I truly wanted to give up. But you will get there sooner or later, and then you will be able to move on with your healing.

Even when we know how they’ve behaved, it’s very easy to look back and want what we once had, I certainly do. I often feel very self conscious about still being slightly stuck in the past, but I know I will get there at some point.

This is certainly one of the worst times of the year when you’re grieving, Winter and Christmas. It really highlights the loneliness. I hope you can have some peace during the next few weeks, and next Christmas you will very likely be in a very different place - emotionally and geographically!

Hugs back to you!

I'm sorry it's still so difficult @Itisallgoingtobeok last week was the worst I've felt for a long time and it was so exhausting to think that this isn't over yet and the pain and loss just keeps going. People in real life would be shocked if they knew how much I am struggling, I think - from the outside it looks very much like I've moved on and recovered.

From the start I was determined not to let my ex steal more of my life than he already has. In the past few days I've been thinking about all the tips and tricks and coping strategies that help me get out of the negative spiral and move on. I'll list some below but would love suggestions from others :

1. Short centering breathing meditation and remind myself I am whole alone and that all humans are
2. Identify my feelings - am I sad, regretful, lonely, frightened etc
3. Journal out all the thoughts in my head and pin down where I am stuck. Then think of some solutions.
4. Try to think of two things - one that can make me feel better right now , and one that can help me longer term
5. Future visualisation - where will I be in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years (a full and happy life!)
6. Remind myself of all the amazing women who have been just fine alone - people I know personally or other inspiration. I've been listening to a podcast called The Shift and really enjoying the women there - women 40+ talking about their lives. Lots of happy post-divorce stories there, and lots of lives well-lived.
7. Remind myself that fear doesn't know the future.
8. Spend time thinking really honestly about my marriage and what it would feel like to be back in it. Would I really want that?

9.think about all the positives in my single life, all the things I'm grateful for, all the things that I appreciate and have now and didn't have when I was married. 10. Think about this as a time of struggle but also of growth - change and growth is hard, but it's also where we can find meaning. What meaning do I want to take from this divorce and how can it inform my life from now on? 11. Remind myself to focus on what I can change rather than what I can't - accept that I made the choices I made earlier in my life and they've taken me to this place and I can't change any of them now. Try to practice radical acceptance 12. Take my mind off it - do some gardening , get outside, get off my phone and out of my head.

Those are some of my tactics. Would love to hear other suggestions!

(that was intended to be a list of ideas that might help @Itisallgoingtobeok , realise it reads as all about me!)

Great advice and I totally agree.

Part of my letting go was to be grateful for the things I have. Problem is that its all in the outlook. I am still angry and resentful because ex is not seeing his DC at all and DGP are too busy trying to save him from drugs so don't have DC either. On one hand you could say I'm lucky as I have my DC so I have things to do, routine that keeps me busy. And I see that now. My resentment is based on the fact that I have DC 24/7 and can't even move on to meet someone or do regular hobby because I have no childcare. So where I'm young enough to meet a guy and have a chance to have more children, I can't because of exs choices. I'm trying not to let get to me. I see I have wasted enough time moping on someone who isn't worth a single tear from me and that's my catalyst for keep going and finding solutions to my situation.

I urge you all to find something you always wanted to do like attend a book club or running club. Go on apps and local Facebook groups that offer meet ups. Get out there and live your life. You only get one life. Make the most of it.

Thanks @GreyCloudsAbove , I agree on the meet ups etc, getting out there, but this is part of my problem. When I first moved I made a commitment to getting out and finding a community. I've tried multiple groups - at least six different activities plus one off workshop type things. And it's not got me anywhere! I live in a rural area and everyone I meet is much older and retired. I can only assume that people my age are busy with their kids and families. I keep going to a couple of the groups because I like the activities but it's not made me any friends as everyone there is 60+ and mostly want to talk about their kids and grandkids.

That's one of the things that triggered my recent relapse as it's been a year now, I feel I've done all the 'right' things, positive mental attitude, get out, join groups, don't wait for change to come to me. And I've not managed to make a single new friend in that time. I really don't think it's because people don't like me or I'm unlikable, I don't go on about divorce (never even mention it). I just don't seem to be able to find 'my' people, however hard I try.

I feel like, I've had some totally undeserved bad luck that's turned my life upside down, I've tried really hard to turn it around without being bitter and miserable. Now where's my reward??! Why hasn't it happened yet?!

Also! @GreyCloudsAbove , I did the mindmap exercise you suggested above and also found it very useful. So many negative actions and very few positives...

I totally get that. I find that majority of people in the groups I find, are child free thus free to meet up whenever. This would be possible for me if my ex was doing at least every other weekend but he isn't, at all. Don't get me wrong, given the chance he probably would do some but that comes as such huge impact to the DC because he would be there one minute, then disappear the next. Last week we had family bday party, DC were looking forward to seeing him and he has gone awol back to the other woman again. There is only so many times I can make excuses but its so frustrating as we made the choices based on our relationships and now paying the price for it.

I find that I can get easily sucked into the misery of it all if I don't talk to myself in the mirror about how lucky I am to be free from the misery, maybe by man cheating on me behind my back for years and passing a disease. Maybe space was made so I can meet my person soon. Maybe this happened so my DC have stability and someone that does things with them rather than miserable argumentative dad that was never bothered. He used to cause me migraines. I went through years of scans and treatments... since he left my headaches are near gone. So rare and mild. Another huge benefit to my life.

Please don't be disheartened, I'm sure you can find similar people soon. Bumble does dating but also got friendship option. I have made 2 good friends like that. You can filter age and distance. Give that a go ?

Glad you did ! It was eye opening for me !

@harlemriver Hello - I just wanted to share some words of encouragement. I also moved to a more rural area a few years ago, and struggled to make connections and friendships. COVID didn't help - I had put a lot of effort into trying to meet local people and then after 2 years of isolation, it was like I had to start all over again, in a weird new landscape. But I've gradually started to fit in - I'm now in a book group, a waking group, a swimming group. Also a couple of exercise classes. It's still early days, but it's a big help now that I'm separated. It took 6 years, mind! And I found it really hard - it seemed like everyone already had their friends and there was no space for me. I did all the right things but still couldn't make inroads. I couldn't find my 'people'. But slowly, it's changing. So please don't lose hope - keep going, keep looking, keep trying! Sending you positive energy.

Thanks for all the kind and supportive messages. I had a slightly better day today, mainly because I kept busy. I am so sorry that so many are still struggling, it seems so unfair, and unjust. These men don't care what they have done.

@CherryPieface - I know what you mean about Christmas. I am just avoiding the topic as much as possible with friends and colleagues. I was wondering today what I will do on Christmas Day. I think I will take myself off somewhere to walk in peace. Hopefully the weather will be OK. The whole Christmas period is filling me with dread. I never thought I would say I am looking forward to January.

@GreyCloudsAbove - I didn't know about Bumble having a friends section, I may have a look at that. I have the opposite problem with meet-ups. All the ones I have been to I have become the childless single middle aged woman. Everyone has kids and it is all they talk about. I completely understand, and I like hearing about what their kids do, but I have little to offer them back that they seem to relate to. Clearly not my tribe as someone else said, so I need to keep trying.

@AloneAgain2023 - I am in awe of you managing to live with your ex for so long. I can't imagine how hard that was. I was in a slightly different situation in that I had to leave for safety reasons. I am fairly sure he had an affair, although he never admitted it.

@harlemriver - I know what you mean about people would be shocked if they could see how much I am not coping underneath my public face. I think my friends think I should be over it by now. I don't know how long it takes to get over some of the things that STBXH did to me, but I am sure it is longer than a year. Your list is wonderful, I have copied it out an put it as a note on my phone. I'm going to think about some of the ideas over the weekend and try them out. Thank you.

Again, thanks to everyone for sharing. I wish we were all close enough geographically to get together in real life. Can you imagine how invincible we would be?

Hugs to all.

My divorce final order has come through - quite unexpectedly. I'm feeling incredible grief and pain, much more than I would have anticipated. Have booked emergency counselling appointment and hoping to work through some stuff in that. Any words of wisdom from those that have been through this stage would be welcome!

I can't believe I'm still so conflicted about this, it's like I just can't let go of the idea of my marriage and the person I thought I was married to. I wish I could feel the simple liberation that others have described, there is certainly no reason for me not to. Somehow I keep clinging on to the past even though it's not serving me at all to do that and I absolutely consciously don't want to do that. The divorce is final and my ex has a new partner. How can I finally let go????

@harlemriver sending you all the love. That was me 6 weeks ago and I know how hard it is.

Please just look after yourself, try to do something nice that cheers you up. If you want to stay in bed all day and cry then that's ok too - just make sure you get up and do something different the next day. Counselling is a great idea, try to get some of it off your chest and get a loose pan formed. PM me if you just need to vent or chat xx

@harlemriver I’m so desperately sorry for you, I can definitely remember how that felt last November. It does trigger so many emotions - regret, grief, if onlys, and terrible pain. I think it’s one of those days on the long path that has to be gone through, the finality is awful. Sending you hugs.

It’s strange that I came on here and saw your post, because I’ve just logged in to post in need of some support. Today I discovered that the house that had been our marital home, and then became his home, has been sold! It’s actually a bit of a shock as I didn’t think he would sell it after putting a lot into it over the years before we split. His new girlfriend lives a couple of hours away, so I guess he’s probably decided to move to be nearer her, or they’ve bought somewhere together. Needless to say, it has felt like another emotional set back, and I’ve been in floods of tears this afternoon. It’s another end of an era type feeling, a further distancing of ‘us’. I’ve been staring at the Rightmove page with tears splashing onto it!

Just like you @harlemriver, I feel as though I cannot let go of that past. The entire paragraph at the end of your post is absolutely me too. Sadly I still prefer that past to this present, and I know it’s up to us to try to move forward, but I feel stuck there because I feel so alone now. Despite friends and family being there, I feel slightly pathetic for not finding consolation in that.

All these little milestones are so torturous aren’t they. I also wish I could feel that ‘looking forward not back’ that others seem able to do. I am lucky in some respects, but so deeply unhappy about where I’ve ended up, I would give it all up to be back in the happy years with my ex. 😢

Anyone else finding these little milestones that crop up sending you back into tears and pain? Anyone in a similar place in the road, or tips for moving past each little detail?

Thank you both @CleanShirt and @AloneAgain2023 , the support on this thread helps so much..My family are amazing but they are definitely tired of hearing about this and nobody else in my 'real' life has been through divorce or understands how hard these milestones are.

Gosh @AloneAgain2023 I'm not surprised that has come as a shock. I've actually set up a Rightmove alert for my old postcode as I could easily imagine exactly this situation. For sure my ex wouldn't feel he needed to let me know that he was selling - and maybe they don't need to, I suppose that's exactly what divorce means. But I can imagine how sad it is for you to find out that way.

Tips and tricks, who knows? I'm pulling out the arsenal of feel good stuff tonight, playing old records, wood burner on, wine poured and about to sit down and write out lots of things about my past relationship that I can put in the stove and try to make my brain leave it in the past where it belongs. I've also been listening to the audiobook of the book I mentioned above - from abandonment to healing. It's on Spotify and it's helping me a lot. Maybe try that? I do think it has to be a state of mind and conscious decision to choose the future and let go of the past.i just appear to have a very resistant sub -conscious!

@harlemriver thank you for your reply 🙏. I’ll have a listen to that book on Spotify.

I agree, it is a case of getting into a mindset of looking ahead not back, I just feel unable to get there. Ultimately I preferred my life with him more than my life now, life feels very small and empty. And yes, of course that’s for me to try and change / improve, but I have no motivation. Each little knock back feels huge.

Seeing this today about the house being sold has just rammed home even more that he is in a serious relationship, and the pain is no less now than it was last year.

An analogy for how I feel is that he has sailed smoothly & happily into the future, while I’ve been left bobbing about in the sea with nothing around me except emptiness.

I’ve always loved books or films where someone leaves heartache behind and goes travelling or moves away and starts over, and things work out beautifully. But of course that isn’t reality - most of us don’t have the resources to do those things. We just have to wait for time to help heal us.

💐 to everyone struggling.