A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

Great to hear from you @harlemriver and what wonderful, inspirational words! Having a good day today and hearing about strong women like you only makes it better x

Ahh, thanks @CleanShirt and I'm glad today has been a better day for you. I still have plenty of wobbles but there's enough positive stuff to keep going and to believe that there's a happy future ahead. The only way out is through!

At what point do you just give up and let them win. Everytime I try to stand up for myself, he punishes me whether it be financially or through our children. I'm not sure how much more I can take. I just want to run away.

I have just found this and reading back through the first post hoping it will help me find peace.

My DH walked out 18 months ago. Turns out for OW, who is an ex from the past and a functioning drug addict. He became one too. For all that time he was with the OW, he was asking to come back saying he made a mistake, but struggling to leave her ( I assume that's drug brain for you). He finally left, promising he will get better, but its been few months and he is even worse. He doesn't live at home, but we barely saw him ( no excuse really apart from him struggling to get clean). I have gone no contact fully. He isn't even fighting for us and DC. I know better yet I'm struggling to let go ! I read self help books, done therapy, talk to friends and family, and I'm still ao hanged up on him, I don't get why. Help 😪

@wouldntwannabeyou that sounds very hard, have you looked at "grey rock" technique, might that help?

@GreyCloudsAbove sorry to hear it's still v hard for you. Your ex sounds bonkers, but I realise that's no comfort. Do you have a sense of what you are struggling to let go? Is it the relationship that was, or the future you hope for, or coming to terms with rejection? Or all of the above!

So glad to have come across this thread, currently feeling very lonely and worried! My husband and I still live together but he told me he is no longer in love with me and doesn't want to work at improving things. He seemed happy enough to continue living like this, and only told me how he felt as a I pushed him to tell me what was wrong. I replied we should work at it or split up. He said to split. But we're still here plodding along with no progress 10 months later!!! I feel as though he doesn't even want to separate, but has given me a problem to fix. I don't know what to do next, and I really am worried sick (we have two children too). This is such a tough situation to be in

God knows ! I don't understand, noone around me understands. Maybe it's the push / pull? He has been keeping me hanging? I have researched what drugs do to the brain so a lot of his behaviour was justifiable, like being unable to leave OW because they did drugs together every day. Its an addiction battle. All those months he insisted he loves me and wants to work on this. He left OW, he supposedly was cleaning up. We even started couples counselling but turns out he hasn't even started to clean up so the therapist said we can't work together. You can't fix couples issues with an addict in active addiction. I'm still hearing the words, but see no actions. I know he won't change, not for a long time and he will never be the person I met, now that he is an addict. Even if he cleans up, the risks of him falling back into it are too great. My mothers battled my dad's alcoholism and they are still together. So part of me probably wants to fight for him because that's what I have been taught by my parents. Part of me feels guilty that DC won't have complete family and on top of that I have to protect them as you can't trust an addict unattended. He goes awol for days, his family enables his behaviour. I'm in such turmoil, I can't understand why I'm still invested.

@GreyCloudsAbove the part of your post that jumped out for me was this: "part of me probably wants to fight for him because that's what I have been taught by my parents". I think it's so, so hard to shrug off the patterns of family you learn as a kid. But you have the insight to realise this.

One question from me: what about fighting for yourself? Do you, the person who's had to be the sensible adult in this situation and hold it all together for your kids, not deserve the peace from not having to worry about a man child too, any more? What would happen if you just left him to it and diverted your mental energy to what you want, what you and your kids need? There should be no guilt for you protecting your kids, either. The complete family option is long gone because of your ex's poor choices. He no longer deserves the rent free space in your head.

Easier said than done, I know. Have you managed to take any practical steps, e.g. divorce? If not, how do you feel about starting off the process?

@PancakesForElephants

You are completely right and exactly what my friends are saying. Noone understands why I still give him any brain space. I don't, either. I know this won't ever work. It hasn't for years anyway. He has been gone for long enough, I know everything he says is bull as he never follows through with anything he says. I have done therapy for a year. Read all the possible books, and yet I'm still here. I laugh at my own stupidity at times 🤷‍♀️ I have already started the process. It won't take long as financially, he has nothing. There are no assets to divide.

Part of my worry is that he needs supervision with DC, which needs to be provided by his family, as I have stopped contact at my house. The problem is they are enablers and prioritise his feelings over the DC, but I will avoid court as it works in my favourite with him doing minimum, so I know they are safe majority of the time.

I think I have prolonged heartache because he used to come here and played happy families while being with the OW. He got his cake and ate it too and just waiting for it all to come to heads as I have a feeling he is staying at the OW again. I will continue with the no contact, just want him out of my head. I want the guilt out of my head because I didn't do anything to deserve this, nor have I destroyed the family. I want to find love but I can't until I move on.

I have spent the whole week reading through first and second post and really wish I came across it last year when I was going through it at the same time as majority of the original posters.

Upon reading a comment from @mirrorbright I understood that part of the reason I am still struggling might be my OCD which I have been diagnosed with few years back. It has definitely given me something to look into.

I realise also that I actually would have preferred that ex never started with the I still love you and want to come back last Sept as I feel it has prolonged the inevetible, and we are still in this circle. In fact his mother rang me and said he spoke to them over the weekend and insists he still has feelings and wants to go counselling but doesn't put any effort, doesn't see DC much, ultimately enjoying his single life. He said to his parents it's my fault as I have gone no contact and he can't speak to me, bare in mind he isn't blocked and he knows where I live. I can't understand why he chooses the hurt over and over, and I feel like I'm going trough break up over and over. 18 months on 💔 so sick of this, and can't meet anyone decent which is getting me down even more particularly with the limited dating time as im the main parent.

I would love to know how all of you are doing now, a year + later and if you can share some tips that might help others ? @potsnpan I haven't seen any responses from you for a long time, I hope you are OK x

@Itisallgoingtobeok @harlemriver @dottie4 @Itisallgoingtobeok @AloneAgain2023 @Didsomeonesaydogs @Jixarixie @cakeoverexercise @Itisallgoingtobeok @shylaA040404 and others that I have missed ❤️ Lots of love to all

Hey @GreyCloudsAbove I actually just posted an update recently, and would also love to know how other posters are doing. Your situation sounds tough and I don't think a year is long enough to be fully "over" a long relationship. I'm a year+ into this but it still feels very recent and at times still very raw. I don't think I'm ready for dating again, for example. I'd like some male company but I just couldn't face putting myself through OLD and I definitely couldn't imagine falling for someone or being in another relationship. I'm just doing my best to adjust to single life and try to make it a good one.

Even a year on, at times i still can't quite believe this has happened and how much has changed. I was in a relationship almost all of my adult life and fully expected to be married to my ex until one of us died! So this isn't the life I expected or planned for and although I try really hard to stay positive and create positive change in my life, it does sometimes feel overwhelming - like, I have to keep doing this forever with no end in sight and what if things don't actually get better? But as I said in my post the other day, fear isn't a reliable predictor of the future, so why not imagine good outcomes instead? I want my life to be happy and that won't be the case if I get stuck thinking about the past and feeling bitter about things I can't change.

So to answer your question, I'm basically doing fine. A lot better in some areas of my life and overall happier but still with a lot of struggles and emotionally/mentally still processing and coming to terms with being on my own and with how it ended. I hope we will hear from some of the others too!

Also, you asked for tips to help others. I think the key is trying to be clear sighted about the relationship and whether it could have succeeded / made you happy. Write a list with a couple of columns - in one, write elements of the relationship you want, and in the other the actions/behaviour of your ex. Then consider the degree of change required to get the relationship that you want. If the degree of change isn't possible (which, let's face it, it almost certainly isn't) and/or your ex has no interest in making those changes, then the relationship is dead and over. For me, that recognition has been crucial. I still get doubts and nostalgic moments where I think "what if...". But the reality is that I wasn't happy with many aspects of my marriage and life and that was never ever going to change. So, the only way forward is coming to terms with that.

I'm glad to hear from you and pleased things are working out better. Its strange how I envy people who don't have children while going through break up as they have the freedom to get on with their lives, but I see how this could also feel lonely. You can't win either way and I guess will always feel hard done by the person that promised to love you till death does you apart.

I don't know if our relationship could have succeeded, I question everything now. Its a long and crazy story, he reconnected with an ex and left for her, albeit he was asking if it was the right decision for few weeks ( at the time I didn't know about the ow) and I didn't fight for him as ultimately I wanted to see if he will fight for us. He was conflicted for about 3 months, had a month of quiet, and then from Sept kept on and on about how he wants to come. I was actually doing fine as I knew he is with someone so time to move on. But then from Sept 23 I had a weekly drama of I hate my life, I made a mistake, I'm leaving her, I'm packing my stuff. Weekend came and he would say I couldn't do it, I don't know how to tell her. Drugs played big role here but not sure how big as I was never on drugs myself and wouldn't have tolerated those here ( which is what pushed him to leave as I wasn't fun). Since he left the OW 3 months ago, he keeps saying he made the biggest mistake of his life, wants to fix it, but does nothing. My level of confusion is through the roof. I love this man but I have nothing to work with and can't understand why he would say those things if he doesn't love me ( he says he does). What is the purpose of prolonging the hurt? How can he not want to do better and see DC more and fight for his family after saying for months that its his ultimate goal ?

I need to get out of this but can't as I'm reliant on his family for childcare because a. My family doesn't live in this country and b. He takes drugs so it isn't safe to have him look after DC alone. Life seems fucked, can't do hobbies, can't date, struggle to even go gym as the only time I have is school hours. Can't win. Can't move on. Can't have him back. I feel stuck in a parallel universe.

Sorry @GreyCloudsAbove , your situation sounds like an absolute headf* and I'm not surprised you feel so confused. The drama and trauma and intensity must be completely exhausting. If I can comment from an outside perspective though (tell me to f off if this is not welcome - obviously I don't know you or your life)....your partner/ex has lied, cheated, is taking drugs and continues to lie to and manipulate you. You and your family are not coming first or even second or third. He is entirely putting his own selfish wants over you and your children.

In terms of whether the relationship could have succeeded this seems to be one where the level of change needed is basically total transformation - he would need to be a completely different person.

Again, I realise that I don't know your life and maybe this is overstepping but sometimes it is so hard to see our own situation clearly so I wanted to tell you how it sounds to me. Being on your own as a single mum would be tough but it would be much easier than being trapped in the on/off drama that your ex is forcing you into at the moment.

I appreciate all advice and grateful for your insight! It really helps seeing others perspective particularly those that have been through the same.

One part of me thinks exactly that and knows better. Then there are DC which are not prioritised either. The second part of me thinks better the devil you know than the one you dont.

I think I'm just totally exhausted with doing everything for the DC, school runs, activities, school holidays. Then there is a house, garden, pets. I also have really busy and demanding job. No respite and the lack of my family close by really makes me sad. I do have plenty of friends whom are supportive and feel the same way as you, his family support too but also enable his behaviour. Feel like i can't win.

I can imagine that you must feel overwhelmed. Do you have a counsellor? Maybe that would help you untangle why you feel this compulsion to stay in a situation that seems so destructive. You are obviously a strong, capable person and you have lots in your life - kids, friends , a good job. You'll be fine on your own.

If you want to stay in this relationship I suppose the questions to ask yourself are: why? What are you getting out of it? And I mean that both objectively, as in - how do you benefit in this relationship? To what extent are your needs and wants being met by your partner? (Because it doesn't sound like you are getting anything at all at the moment) But also psychologically, what is it about this dynamic that makes you want to continue it? What are you getting from it that you don't fully realise? It sounds like a big part of the answer might be in the family dynamics you mentioned earlier. Maybe you feel like it's your responsibility to take care of your partner even if he is an addict who is letting you down and isn't a safe parent for your children? Or somehow the dynamic feels safe or familiar? I'm sure you've thought of this already!

@GreyCloudsAbove I've just seen your post, and wanted to let you all know how I'm doing a year on. To say it's been a rollercoaster year would be the understatement of the century. I'm still nowhere near being over what's happened yet. If anything, I'm still right in the middle of what I think might be the worst bit. Though my ex started out being amicable enough, over the year, our relationship has deteriorated terribly, due to his inability to communicate, either with me or our DC, and his utter pigheaded stubbornness. We've been in mediation for over 6 months now, but it has ground to a halt as he won't give way an inch on what he thinks I'm due. He wants everything to be 50/50 even though he earns 5 times as much as me and I have to look after the, admittedly, teen, DCs. So it's off to the solicitors I go, in the hope that it won't clean me out entirely financially. It still all feels very raw, and I definitely have moments where I feel intensely angry about the unfairness of it all. He's now with a new partner, living in a different city, while I can't even bring myself to think about dating, or being with someone else. I have almost zero communication from him about anything relating to the children or the house, which needs to be sold, so the frustation is very real. But on the upside, I've taken up lots of new interests, have made new friends, and am glad to be free of the facade that was our 25 year relationship. Some days, I feel it's the best thing that ever happened to me, other days, it feels like the end of the world. But I'm slowly getting used to it. A divorce coach told me that in her experience, it takes 5 years to really get over a divorce, and I fear she may be right. But to all you ladies going through it, I would say, hang on in there, just take it one day, hour, minute at a time, in the belief that the dark clouds will lift and we'll end up one day singing and dancing in the sunshine! Big hugs to you all. x

@pancakesforelephants suggested that I post on here.

DH told me that we're getting divorced today. I started a thread in the MH section as I'm beyond devastated.

DH wants a divorce www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/5155306-dh-wants-a-divorce

Good morning everyone. Didn't sleep a minute last night, but at least I didn't drink.

I have a question: if I need a solicitor (I do), can I pay them out of my settlement when it arrives rather than now? I don't have access to money at the moment.

Be gentle with yourself. I'm newly in to this myself, my solicitor said I'd need to pay when the work he's doing is complete. But I think you could look for one who does installments or something? I can't remember if it's in this thread but there are solicitors and websites that can guide you through things at low cost.

Just take a moment and pause, one thing at a time. AA is a big step, and sounds like a positive one.

@Questionsandheartache AA was a mazing. Nothing like I expected. I don't really have nearby friends but 2 lovely women gave me their phone numbers.

Thank you for the solicitor advice - I'll look into it as you say.

Morning from rainy Surrey to all my fellow travellers on this path. Sending love and am grateful for everything you've posted on this thread.

Hi all. Just checking in to see how everyone is doing.

I've spend the past 10 days doing up the tiny flat I bought with the proceeds of the MH sale, along with working full time. I've broken everything I've touched and can't paint for toffee 😂. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited and I'm really not because this is all out of necessity rather than want, but I am absolutely exhausted so hope when that passes I'll feel a little differently!

Changed my name back on my bank account last week, felt good.

Hope everyone is bearing up ok x

I'm really struggling with anger at the moment. My ex is still living in our shared house despite overlapping new relationship. Won't leave until I buy him out or otherwise decide on what's next. Feel like my fury is blocking me from making a decision although I'm haunting rightmove. I can't believe he's chosen this ending, him dating and planning weekends away and being happy and skipping about, and me furious other than when I pretend not to be for my DS 13. Utter, utter, utter wanker.

Rationally I know I have to accept it and move on. But I'm so cross. Even though it means I still have to live with him. I go out a lot, hobbies, friends etc, but I still have to go back "home".

So, oh wise women of this thread, how did you deal with the rage?

I've sort have had to answer my own question about anger :).

Chumplady is very good on it https://www.chumplady.com/got-anger-after-being-cheated-on. Anger is natural, good, can be used to drive things forward but don't let it consume you.

I think I'm running out of fucks to give about ExP. It's so tiring being so cross. He's not worth my energy. I also found some terrible teenage style poetry he'd been writing presumably for the OW and I found it laughable rather than enraging. What a prize wanker! Thank god I don't have to pretend I'm interested in anything about him any more, including the tedious endless stream of sports facts. I especially don't give a fuck about rugby!