A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

Try the 21 Day Magnetic Love Challenge" by Aaron Doughty or look at his awsome videos really helping me 4 weeks since my partner left

Anyone got any tips on dealing with living with Ex while separated while they are dating? Recently separated after more than 20 years, his choice, no discussion, we're not married, we own house jointly, turns out there's an OW.

I'm trying to figure out what to do next, neither of us wants to rent, so it'll be slow re selling/buying/one maybe buys the other out even once I/we have decided.

In the meantime, he's off out with OW including overnights. So far, hidden from our DS but suspect only matter of time.

I'm trying to detach but it hurts. Makes deciding harder I think.

what a shitty thing for him to do. I don’t have this exact experience but I am still living with my stbexh. As far as I know he isn’t seeing anyone but wouldn’t massively surprise me if he was.

How old is DS? Old enough to work it out for themselves or too young to notice? I would suggest being in control of how they find out - if they are older and see your Ex with someone or a school friend tells them it would be very upsetting, How are you working out what to do next in terms of selling, renting etc? Personally I would be focusing on the practical side of things and set myself a timeline or deadline for having things sorted so it doesn’t go on for longer than necessary. Especially if he is just living his best life with a new woman and a home life that hasn’t changed for him.

@PancakesForElephants agree with @LoisLanyard 100%. This must be a horrible time for you. All depends on age of DS really and how much you care about the house. Understand the desire to not make any swift moves but also your X is taking the absolute piss! Overnights with new girlfriend with the comfort and routine of his marital home. How old is DS? I'm sorry you're going through this. But I would be keen to take control of the situation and not work to H's time frames - the new situation sounds ideal for him but not for you so it will be you who has to push to change it.

Thanks @24istheyear and @LoisLanyard . DS is 13. Little chance of accidental meeting I think but not sure. I've tired hard to keep the message to DS it's a mutual decision, no blame. But DS is smart, he's seen me v upset and ex fucking delighted with himself. And ex might just tell him cos he doesn't think he's done anything wrong (all my fault, if I'd been nicer/more affectionate /given him more sex or gold stars for emptying dishwasher he wouldn't have had an affair, blah blah blah).

Ex is keen to move on, I'm struggling to decide. I'm the one holding things up.

I'm fortunate I could afford to buy him out if I cash some things in, but this house is basically full of his decisions and has things that worry me eg damp and seems so overwhelming and costly to get in damp survey / structural engineer and get a real idea of what house is worth. Me buying him out was also his plan. Doesn't seem so keen on the reverse. Been looking for other houses nearby for DS sake and V little around, and again ££. Renting I guess possible but got pets and uprooting DS twice seems shit. I keep falling down rabbit holes of not being able to decide and it all being overwhelming.

There are a lot of unknowns then - sounds like getting the survey is the first step, even if it does feel overwhelming. Do you have a friend or family member who can do some research and at least find someone to do the survey for you? That would take it off your plate. You will then know where you stand and can make a decision based on facts rather than fears.

do you like your house? If the decisions that it is full of are cosmetic then it can all be changed in time. My house is full of beige and white walls as my stbexH loves neutrals. When he moves out (assuming I can buy him out) I’m putting colour everywhere!

And just to add that in my experience every house has something wrong with it - so even if you did buy a new place there would still be something to worry about. Sometimes it is better the devil you know!

The end is nigh... It's just so sad and unfair.
26th September is our wedding anniversary... There's some sort of irony there.

Sending solidarity to you all going through this.
i was at a caravan park a few days ago and kept looking at all the families together whilst I was on my own with DD it broke me really. The hits just keep coming and coming..

@PancakesForElephants I really feel for you being overwhelmed/paralysed by decision making. It is a lot for you to process that there’s an OW and on top of that you have to now make big decisions re where to live/what house to buy/rent.

re your current house, do you think you could live there happily without your ex? My ex left a year ago and I am in the same house. I have struggled with it being full of memories and our lives together, so might move next year (going to try and redecorate first and see if that helps). How do you feel when you look around your house? Is it a home? Or does it make you feel sad/anxious/unhappy? I wonder whether working through whether you want to stay where you are, will help you with the practical steps to work out how and if you can.

Re impact on your DS, the most important thing for him is for you to be happy. I’m not saying you should be happy now (or worry/begrudge any tears he sees you cry right now) but longer term, if you stay/move/rent, I think DS will be ok if he can see you are ok with the decision you have made. Speaking to friends/family seems like a good idea, if someone can perhaps make the appt for the damp survey etc and then be at the house with you when they come, so that two of you can hear what is said.

Can your ex move out / go and stay elsewhere? It seems so cruel and painful he is now skipping about with OW and you are left picking up the pieces. Not seeing him, and not knowing what he is up to, might be better for you.

I’ve accepted an offer on our family home today. Part of me is happy that I’m able finally to start anew properly but the other part of me is incredibly sad. All my happy memories of us as a family are here, us as a newly married couple and as new parents. I know it’s for the best but I suppose it’s the finality of it. My old life has ended but a new one begins. I think I’ll just wallow for a little bit then give myself a pep talk and carry on.

Hope everyone is doing ok.

@Iamnotapotato congratulations, here's to new beginnings!

I've had another tense discussion with ex re him refusing to move out. Once again it's all my fault, I'm being unreasonable by not deciding, he's done nothing wrong because I'm so awful blah blah blah.

@Iamnotapotato it's understandable you have some bittersweet feelings, but congrats on accepting the offer. Definitely give yourself permission to be sad, and then get in to your 'new life' mode.

I've just about agreed with husband which EA we're going with and now need to finish the outstanding jobs to get it ready for market. I just keep thinking about me starting my new life in my own place. I don't care that it'll be tiny, there won't be anyone telling me what to do (except the kids of course).

Hello, new here, I am in a soft separation with my bf of two years. I wanted to break up, but he talked me into walking it back to a separation. He is supposed to get counseling, get his long term female "best friend" off his bank account, etc. I don't really believe he's going to do any of it. I don't want to get sucked back in. We had an incredibly stressful year, leading to him engaging in verbally abusive behaviors over the last month. I'm just lost, I have no one to talk to except my therapist and, ironically, XH, who was very supportive of the relationship until he saw the changes taking place.

I'm back in a sadness hole. I've been crying all day off and on. I went away at weekend for a few days with DS which was lovely but every time I come back, it's to the crushing reality that ex doesn't want me any more and has moved on. I don't want to spend my time hiding from them so they don't see me crying. Maybe supermarket carpark time :(. This is hard.

Sending you love @PancakesForElephants. One day at a time, and you're allowed a shit day! I'm still having plenty of them 8 months on.

My (sometimes) wise mother says to give in to the shit days, allow yourself to cry and swallow and feel crap. But the next day you do at least 1 thing different - get out of bed, have a shower, go outside even if it's for a walk round the block. This has really helped me x

@Iamnotapotato I hear you, it's a blow. I'm completing on a flat on Friday after selling "our" home last month. I have not an ounce of excitement about it because it wasn't my choosing, but I'm hoping that comes once I'm settled. I hated selling my home with every fibre of my being but know I couldn't have kept hold of it.

Thanks @CleanShirt I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

I'm sorry you're not excited yet about your flat. Congratulations for taking the difficult decisions, you have been very brave and taking practical steps forward..

Thanks @PancakesForElephants. Definitely survival over everything else right now (I've been in a friend's spare room since April and am definitely too old for house sharing!) but I'm hoping that some happiness will peek out at some point.

Try to do something nice tonight, even if it's just a bath or an episode of something. And an early night always helps x

I’m in a sad and angry pit at the moment too (perhaps there is something in the air?!). My teen DD told me today that stbexh has been chatting to her and my other teen about what house he is going to buy. And how they can decorate their own rooms, help model the house etc etc. not unreasonable in itself but it makes me sad because it is a step closer to them not spending every night in the same house as me. I’m angry because I feel betrayed and used by him, and he gets to walk away and have everything he wanted - his own space and the kids on a part time basis. I hate the idea of not seeing the kids every day and I hate the idea of him playing best friend dad and most likely continuing his behaviour of letting them do what they fancy (eg missing school, staying up all night on their phones etc ). I’m worried they will prefer him because of this and not want to see me. I’ve willingly put them first for so many years, and looked after him when he was ill with depression (for about 7 years). I did everything and kept going even when the weight of everything was hard but I did it for us as a family. And now he’s decided that he is superior to me and needs someone from “his own class” to look after him as they will understand him better apparently. He’s a colossal prick and I can’t wait for him to go but I can’t bear the idea of not having the kids around all the time. I know they are teens and would leave soon anyway but I’m not ready.

Oh @LoisLanyard sorry you're here in the pit too. I feel similarly that I've sort of sacrificed myself for DS and the family as ex wanted and then it turns out ex thinks he can do better. Makes me feel sick and sad and lonely.

I'm glad you see your ex as a colossal prick and no rosy spectacles. I suspect your kids will too. I worry about DS preferring ex, but the bare selfishness sof what they have done will not escape them. And hopefully in time you can build on your kid free time to be an even more awesome mum for the rest of the time. You have held it all together for so long, imagine what you can achieve when he's gone.

Thank you @PancakesForElephants that is probably the loveliest thing anyone has said to me for a long time. I may just have to put a post it note next to my bed saying imagine what I can do when he’s gone 🙂.
I hope you are ok - this is all so crap.

@LoisLanyard from another separation thread I copied down this which chimes with me: "she remembered who she was and the game changed".

I've also got a list of things that I plan to do / am doing that ex disapproved of or wouldn't do. A "fuck you" list, if you will although maybe that's not helpful framing. "Rediscovering me" list maybe 🤔. It's quite long ...!

That is a good one too, thank you. A rediscovering me list is a good idea - I loved doing art but he always laughed at what I produced. That is going to the top of the list!

thank you @PancakesForElephants youve cheered me up - sorry I’ve not done the same for you this evening but I hope you can read back your words to me and apply them to yourself.

Hello friends, it has been a long time since I've written on this thread but I have been following it and it's great that it is still a source of support for so many. Just picking up on the recent comments from @PancakesForElephants @CleanShirt @LoisLanyard sorry that you are all in tough times at the moment. It might not always feel like it, but you will get through this. The rollercoaster of feelings and uncertainty and change is hard but it will get easier once the really big changes of selling/buying/moving house are over and you can start to build a new life. Just hang in there for now and take it one day at a time.

I'm quite far down the road now, and have been living apart from my ex for more than a year already. I chose to rent instead of buy a new place and that was a very good decision as it let me move out quickly. My ex has dragged his heels terribly on the financial settlement so it will likely be early 2025 before everything is final and I have financial clarity. In the meantime, renting has let me take big steps towards a new independent life. Honestly, most of the time I am much happier with my life now than before. People keep telling me that I look so much better that I am like a different person (a bit of a backhanded compliment tbh but I am choosing to take it positively!)

There's still a lot to work through, of course. I've had some other difficult stuff going on in my life and it's tempting at times to feel a bit down about how things have turned out. Even so, my ex has disappeared from my life so completely that I can't really kid myself that I wish we were still married. He's not expressed any real feelings or concern for me once in the past year+ so I just try to keep that in mind and remember that even when it's hard, it's better to be on my own than married to someone that doesn't care about me.

One of my challenges is getting stuck in regret / sadness and feeling that I have made terrible decisions and ruined my life. I read a good tip for getting out of that cycle that said to ask two questions 1) What actions can I take to improve my situation? and 2) What can I do for myself to feel better right now? So I do a lot of planning / goal-setting, and a lot of being kind to myself. And generally remembering that we can't control external events, but we can choose how to respond to them. And hoping that my luck might start to turn around soon!

I read a great phrase on a blog that might help others here too - "fear doesn't know the future". Separation and divorce is such a scary and uncertain time that it's easy to let fear take over and imagine all the worst things that might happen. But our feelings aren't real and fear doesn't know the future - our imagination conjures up monsters but it might be sunshine and happiness and puppies and love and lottery wins😊