A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

Sounds like you’ve been thinking about it for some time then, you’ve talked it through and given your H the opportunity to work though things. Things will work out, surely you have the support of your mum if she’s prepared to take 3 grandkids on holiday? That really is a Supergran!

My mum is a star agreed. She lives abroad, only 45 min by plane, nothing is ever far in Europe.
she has been my sounding board these last few weeks and suggested she’d come take the kids so I can have some time to regroup and think.

Conditional order granted today. Final order will be heard on the 14th. I can hear that fat lady singing...

@CleanShirt I got mine today for the 15th!

Weird feeling. Relief. Some sadness. But mostly relief!

@Didsomeonesaydogs how weird!

Feeling sad and disappointed, and still with a tiny bit of disbelief (he literally upped and left with no warning). Just wish my housing situation was sorted!

I hope it’s ok if I join here, I’ve been reading this thread and can really identify with a lot of the feelings.

my exH left suddenly 2 years ago, he’s now happily living with his fiance. I thought I was doing well but really I was just jumping from one relationship to the next, distracting myself from the reality that I’m on my own and worrying about what the future has in store for me.

I’ve been in a really bad place lately, panic attacks and I think depression. Anxiety that I just can’t shift.

I feel so lonely and I’ve lost so much

@Robinkitty that sounds really tough. I’m sorry you’re going through it all now.

Getting to know myself again has been painful but instrumental to my healing and becoming a more stable and independent version of me.

After 2 years of being single with a capital “S”, I am only now just starting to see others questionable behaviour in real time rather than in hindsight, and able to set better boundaries to protect myself rather than fall back on my typical default fawning response.

I still wouldn’t get into a relationship any time soon because I know I’m still too much of a people pleaser and can’t trust myself to put me first. I think new relationships can be a distraction to processing the inevitable grief attached to giving up a long partnership, no matter how tumultuous it was.

Learning to sit with the feelings has been crucial to be able to process the trauma of having my world upended and not have everything spill over to the point it’s overwhelming. It’s a very hard thing to do when you’ve been conditioned that emotions are something inconvenient to be suppressed and ignored, but it’s been very necessary for me.

Wishing you strength.

@Robinkitty therapy helped me massively when stbxh upped and left. I had done similar to you previously but had to force myself to put all my energy into healing myself over other men. Good luck x

Thank you both. Initially I thought I was doing so well and never really grieved the loss of a 20 year relationship, barely registered his engagement. Distracted by my own flings at the time. I’ve come back down to earth with a crash for sure and it’s a scary place. I just wish I could be happy on my own.

@Robinkitty a lot of people say the end of the first relationship afterwards is worse than the breakdown of a long marriage, and I think that can be due to not fully grieving and processing at the time.

It’s hard work for sure but ultimately very worth it.

The peace I feel now is something I couldn’t have imagined previously and I’m now working towards a more joyful life.

It’s so true.
its nice to hear that you have found some peace, I hope I can too eventually.

@Robinkitty Sorry you find yourself here, could other things be at play re this crash, a bad bout of PMT or perimenopause that is just making life look a bit pants at the moment? It sounds like you’ve been doing a good job of getting out there a living life so far. I’m only 7 months out so I’ve no pearls of wisdom and I don’t care if I never see a pair of hairy bllcks again so no advice re dating! While 2 years sounds a long time from a 20 year relationship it isn’t. I’ve accepted a bit of me is going to feel sad forever over the breakdown of our marriage (24 years together) as I loved my exH and I’m devastated for our child and miss him so much when he’s not with me BUT things will slowly get better and I’ll get used to a new normal I keep reminding myself, there’s so much more in life to enjoy . Just keep plodding on xxx

Hope it’s ok to join you. I found out about a month ago that my dh of 15 years has been messaging women. I found used Amazon gift cards (I assume from only fans or similar?) and a packet of unopened condoms. So there’s no way back for me. I told him it’s over and after denying, gaslighting etc he admitted he thought about sleeping with someone but didn’t, and gift cards were from online gambling site that he’s now stopped. I don’t believe him on either count. I contacted a solicitor and got advice and I have details of pensions/financed etc. next step is to get the house valued as I hope to buy him out. But I seem to freeze at this step each time. I’m filled with this fury that can’t be healthy. Not at the end of my marriage and family life as I know it, but at the thought of starting again. Our mortgage was almost paid off and I felt I could see light at the end of the tunnel financially, to be able to treat ourselves and our kid to holidays, save up for things, be able to look towards retirement (both in our early 50’s). Now all I think about it the never ending debt and I’ll never be able to retire. Does this pass? Will I be able to just find the oomph to get the valuation or am I likely to be in this horrible angry limbo for ever? Has anyone been here? All advice greatly received.

Hi @ScrewUDailyFail sorry you're here too. No advice but I'm also interested, I'm similarly getting stuck in limbo with moving forward. My ex got a new girlfriend before telling me he was done, and I'm sometimes angry but often v sad, counselling is helping but often feels like 1 step forward, 2 back, and I can't seem to get myself to do the practical steps to move on.

Doesn't help that people keep saying, oh you shouldn't make any big decisions for 6 months after a shock like this, but what is buying my ex out or another house other than a big decision?

And ditto on the trashed retirement plans front. FFS.

@ScrewUDailyFail welcome, and sorry you have had to join us. I don’t have direct experience of the house splitting as I am in the very fortunate position. Of the family home being mine (he moved into it, and we never married - I wanted to, he didn’t, which in retrospect is a blessing in disguise). But I do resonate with the anger and fury, and the feeling of being “stuck”. It’s been a year now for me and still I am not through the other side. I am much better than I was but I am not over it all. I asked my counsellor this week when would I be? And how do I move on more quickly? He said it seemed that I am moving forward steadily and things take time. Crap response I know, but I think it does take time to process that your future will be different now and learn to accept the new path. It’s doubly hard for most of us as we didn’t want this to happen and we’re perfectly happy/content with the futures that were originally going to be ours. But our exs have f*cked that for us now, and we have no choice but to try and become accustomed to it. Rage and anger is one of the stages, I know it is debilitating, and it will pass in time - but I think until then all you can do is feel it. Maybe in a surge of rage book the valuation; it doesn’t mean you have to move forward with a sale, it is one step. But you might feel progress in completing it.

I mean, it’s all well and good me offering advice when I seem incapable of working out what colour to repaint the living room to make it feel like my house and not the family home 🙈. None of this is easy x

To anyone who has tried counselling and found it helps, did you find it helped straight away? I had a first telephone counselling session the other day and I was bored rigid and just wanted it to end. The counsellor offered no advice on how deal with my main issue, which is the reduced contact with my child and the impact of it all on him, but she went on and on about me engaging a solicitor to sort out re financials which isn’t my main source of emotional distress. I felt no better after the session if anything I was more irritated!

@GutlessFury first counsellor I felt the same, no empathy, not sure she listened, said some things that got my back up. You might need to try out a few. I was lucky, second one is really working for me, after our first proper session I felt like a heavy load had lifted, and got through an evening with no tears for first time for weeks. It's still up and down but I look forward to my sessions and always have things to consider. Absolutely no pressure to do anything I don't want to or don't feel ready for.

Thanks for reply @PancakesForElephants I was expecting it to be a waste of time so wasn’t surprised that it was but maybe I need to try another one, she just didn’t seem get what was the source of my distress even though I broke down and cried when I talked about reduced contact with my son she gave no
coping strategies or anything. She just kept repeating about getting a solicitor to make sure I got what I was entitled to even though I didn’t mention money at all, it’s like she was trying to fill the time in. Just glad work paid for it and not me! Talk about stealing a living!

@outofdenialclaimingbackmylife and @PancakesForElephants Thank you for your replies. We’re still living together and he’s burying his head in the sand. Working as much as possible and making sure our child is always around so there can be no serious chat. I might try counselling to see if it calms the rage. I called about a survey/valuation today and it’s in the region of £500 😱

@GutlessFury ah, yes, free work counsellor for me at first too. They are v general and AFAIK don't have a great reputation in the profession because it's a one stop shop for everything. I found a private paid counsellor I clicked with instead, but was encouraged to "shop around" because you definitely need trust and rapport between you.

@ScrewUDailyFail that sounds very hard. Total denial/stonewalling from his side.

Could you try a free estate agent valuation as a dry run perhaps?

@ScrewUDailyFail sorry I’m not replying to all of your post but for the financials I needed 3 valuations so we had 3 different estate agents round. If you can, get them all on the same day so you don’t have to have the house sorted for too long (I have 3 teenagers!).

Please can I join the thread. Just come from first solicitor appointment and sitting in car not knowing what to do. It's about a week since i told husband of 20+ years I want a divorce. He initially tried to persuade me to change my mind but now seems to have accepted it.

Everything is reasonable, I've been to talk to solicitor and the plan would be sell the house, do everything 50/50. We haven't told the children, plan to tell them next few days.

I just keep thinking what if I'm making the wrong choice and I could stay and make it work for the kids. What if I ruin their lives. But then, you never hear people say they wish their parents had stayed together, miserable, do you.

The first counsellor I spoke to was just like talking to a friend in the pub whcih I can do for free. I didn’t find it helpful at all and she seemed fixed on talking about something I didn’t feel the need to.

The second counsellor i spoke to seemed to spend a lot of time asking me what I wanted to get out of the counselling so I ended up making something up just to please him the third seemed very keen to draw all my issues back to my parents divorce and telling me to go for a walk and do some deep breathing.

I’ve given up with counselling I actually found at my darkest times e-mailing the Samaritans helped the most.

i don’t have any advice on your reduced contact but in my situation it has got easier, it’s something that I’ve got used to. I prefer being with my kids but in some ways I enjoy the peace. You just need to find things to do when not with them. Sometimes easier said than done I know.

Today should have been our 6th wedding anniversary. We’re still living together and the in laws have been staying a few days. I can’t wait for him to leave. I’ll never have answer, never know what I did wrong. Because his ‘feelings have just changed’ I’ve got to lose time with my kids. My 1&4 year old. I hate him so much. 6 years ago today was the best day of my life. Now I can’t even Stand to look at him