A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

Oh @CleanShirt it is wretched when our brain does this to us. Some things that help me:

• remember he is the same guy he always was. We think he will have left and become this amazing version of himself for the OW. But he won’t have. He has jumped from one relationship to another without spending any time working through his actions or behaviour. He is the same guy. Whatever frustrations or failings he had when you were together he still has.
• after a break up, men tend to find another woman, women find themselves. Yes it is absolutely sh*t going through the break-up, but remember you are processing the emotions and working to become a better person.
• she isn’t better than you. And soon, whatever he did to you he will do to her. Eg my ex was so closed off and wouldn’t let anyone in. He will be the same with the OW, sure he is in the honeymoon phase now, but that will pass and all the same issues will raise their head again.
• if he was “the one” he wouldn’t have left you. So he can’t be your person. And as hard as that is (and I struggle with it too) letting them go gives us the opportunity to meet someone who can meet our needs and make us happy.
• all you are doing is having thoughts, we don’t know if they are true or not. So sometimes when I am thinking of him and the OW all happy together I flip it and imagine them miserable / fighting instead. It makes no difference - I don’t know what they are doing - but it makes me feel better, and remember that these are all just thoughts.

You are in a tough spot at the moment waiting to move into a flat and living with a friend. It’s a vulnerable place to be and of course you want to be settled somewhere just for you. Hang in there though as every day is a step closer to moving into your own place. xx

@GutlessFury I can hear the torment in your words. Do you have someone close you can speak to or reach out to? It is torture all of this, especially at the start. The whirlwind of emotions, the wanting to be free of everything but knowing you can’t as you have a child. I promise you, it does get easier. Splitting up does not automatically mess up a child. Staying in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship is much worse. I also feel your pain about not seeing my daughter all the time - I didn’t have a child not to always be with her. But slowly slowly I have realised that when she is with her dad I have the chance to rest, or do things just for me: no I never wanted any of this, but you find a way through. Bit by bit. The Samaritans are always there if you need to speak (I have rung them before) call 116 123.
Speak to your GP if you are feeling very low. Counselling is (slowly) helping me. Some people say writing a diary or journal helps get the pain and thoughts out of your head. I am nearly a year in and I don’t sob everyday like I used to. I don’t feel like I don’t want to be here every morning like I used to. Sending you so much love x

Thank you for replying @outofdenialclaimingbackmylife I did use a text help service last week when I just felt so low but it didn’t really help, I guess it distracted me for a half hour but then the despair was still there. I’m just finding it hard to see how this can ever feel better. Even when my son is grown up and I’m old I feel like there will always be this corner in my heart of absolute sadness for our lives not being what I thought they would. I know far worse things happen to people and my heartbreaks for several children I know who have lost a parent to cancer but this was done by the person who was supposed to look after us. I’m have booked some counselling through work but again I can’t see how it could possibly help, the situation will still be the same. I don’t want to be a miserable mum who is bitter and sad. Thank you for replying, while I hate the so many women go through this it is a comfort to know I’m not alone, thank you x

@GutlessFury so sorry you're going through this too. I'd second counselling, maybe not the free work stuff because I found that beyond useless, but I found someone else who listened and is truly on my side, it was really helpful to help me reframe things a bit. I felt so much lighter after the first session, just having someone really listen and empathise and say it wasn't my fault and my ex's behaviour was beyond shit was amazing!

Of course it's hard, it's changing what you thought your life would be. But perhaps better you found out now that your ex was living a lie than 5, 10, 15 years down the road?

I dont have proper answers I'm afraid, I'm still reeling from the shock and disbelief, and I'm still living with my ex, but I've started to try and pick myself up and think, fuck him, it's up to me now, what do I want. Take pride in your own integrity, you can hold your head up high and pity your ex's grubby selfish corner. It's not that you weren't enough, it's because he wasn't enough - no lovely person breaks up a home and then spends £10k on their hair!

@PancakesForElephants thank you so much for replying, I know you are early days but you seem to be so much wiser. I lived with my ex for almost 6 months before moving out 2 weeks ago. I don’t think it had really sunk in at all prior to moving so sounds like you have set yourself on a much better path to recovery. I know people take this event as a time to reinvent themselves or do what they really want to do but my life was busy with things I wanted to do and I was content. The only thing I wanted to do but the ex didn’t want to is foster children and the house I’ve ended up in is way too small for that.
I’ve taken up another new sport and started volunteering in a hospital but I did these sorts of things anyway so they are not providing anything but short term distraction. I’ve also got 2 pretty major health issues which complicate my getting over this, if I didn’t have those then I know I could cope.
I just hope in a year I will be one of the posters that pops up and can tell people it does get easier you will be happy again.
Thanks again, I’ll try the counselling but I just can’t see how it will help me.

@GutlessFury don't get me wrong, I'm still up and down too, frequent tears, frequent bouts of disbelief and denial and desperate sadness. I just try to ride those out and try to concentrate on the things that I didn't like about my life with my ex. I guess it "helps" I wasn't very happy either. There was a thread the other day about all the things people were looking forward to never having to experience again after splitting up, it helped, I'll see if I can find it.

@PancakesForElephants oh no sorry, I wasn’t diminishing your pain or trying to say you aren’t feeling what I am, I just meant you seem to have your eyes open unlike I did and have wrapped your head around how you need to deal with things whereas while I was still in the family home I was just pressing on with regular life and supporting him while he was supposedly in emotional turmoil. I supposed while I was still at home it wasn’t really happening in my mind. I was pretty happy, there were things that pissed me off and I’ve a list of his revolting habits and mean things he said or did but essentially I loved my life.
I need to face the new reality that he is not my person anymore and he is not the same person that I was with for 24 years, his personality has fundamentally changed and I’ve had my eyes closed to this for probably a few years. If you could find it easily that would be good to read. Thank you for your replies I feel bad as I should be the one offering support as I’m further down the road. I’m so sorry you are going through this too.

@GutlessFury everyone deals with things in different ways and on their own timescales.

It’s nearly 3 years since my ex told me he didn’t love me anymore (I stupidly tried to make it work) and nearly a year since he moved out. There will always be a part of me that feels sad for what could’ve been - I mean after all when we get married there’s an expectation that this is for life.

Not living under the same roof has helped and I did cry nearly every day at first. Gradually though things do get better. I didn’t cry every day and it just got less and less. I do still have moments when I get upset but I allow myself those moments then just give myself a pep talk and try to get on with something else to distract me. I do still miss my kids when they’re not here but try to fill my time with other stuff or just chill out and make the meals they won’t eat that I enjoy & watch what I want on tv.

Don’t judge yourself by how others are doing. We all move at our own pace.

This thread and the one before it have been so helpful for me - just to know that I’m not alone and there are others in the same boat. Don’t be afraid to seek help from friends, family or GP. And always remember that you can post on here and that there are many wonderful women who will support you x

@GutlessFury please don't worry, I didn't think you were diminishing my pain!

I think the counselling really helped me reframe it. Up until last week I was doing exactly what you did, getting on with things as normal and pretending it was all ok except for the tiny fact that my ex had binned me and is seeing someone else. But counselling really helped me reframe it, and I started putting in boundaries which ex really did not like, and one night when he was tediously trying to re-tell me why we should do something the way he wanted, I suddenly saw him from a very unflattering angle.

I stopped blindly believing his narrative, as I had been trained to do over 20 odd years.

It still makes me sad when I see a chink of his former self, and that he's not my person any more, so I don't really have a person except for myself. But I'm not longer sure he ever was my person because he wanted me to change to fit in with what he wanted, rather than wanting me.

And as it turns out he's behaving like a monstrous twat right now, and I'm happy to distance myself from that! Although I'm in tears now, so still all v wrangly, but that's my new narrative and it feels more comfy than "it's all my fault" at least.

@Iamnotapotato thank you so much for your reply. It is quite staggering how many people go through this but yes I have definitely found comfort in reading here and the amazing support from some incredible ladies who despite their own pain find time to reply.
For many months I was confident I’d cope as I’m quite independent, my sadness is mostly attached to not being with my son and the change to his little life rather than not being with my ex. It’s only 2 weeks since I moved and started the childcare routine so feel all at sea with it, I guess this is why I’m in such a state right now. Glad you are finding your way through, you give hope, my mum just told to start batch cooking to fill my time !😂 Thank you for taking the time to reply. Xxx

@PancakesForElephants I’ll try and take a more positive approach to the counselling. Yes, ‘twat’ has been my profanity of choice which he has taken great exception too, apparently I’ve behaved appallingly for the names I’ll called him! Never mind he’s turned his child’s life upside down and acted like an arsehole going out drinking while I’ve been holding everything down. Booking in a hair transplant in the aftermath after what he’s done to us says it all really!
I’m sorry he’s not treating you well, I hope you retain the strength to rise above it, like you say their behaviour but by bit will make us miss them less and accept our new lives Xxx

Thanks @outofdenialclaimingbackmylife. Think I've taken a bit of a backwards step lately and can feel the ol' black dog nipping. Need to keep an eye on that.

@CleanShirt do look after yourself - if you can feel depression looming I speak from experience when I say that addressing it quickly is the best thing to do. I’m sure you know this, and I hopefully don’t sound patronising!

it’s all a bit of a pile of shit isn’t it all. I’ve had a few dreams about Nick Knowles and him just being all manly and looking after me. I don’t even vaguely fancy him but clearly I am just craving someone who can just care for me (and presumably make over my house given my choice of celeb to appear in my dreams!)

I hope everyone is ok. Like someone said whilst I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, it is also good to not be alone in all of this.

Oh @LoisLanyard you dreaming about Nick Knowles just made me have a good ol’chuckle. What a person to turn up in your dreams!! Did he serenade you too? (I think he put an album out at one point didn’t he?)

It made me smile.

But yes, it is all a load of shit. I have been listening to the “motherhood:not as we planned” podcast. So many women write in with their stories and they are all so depressingly familiar - men cheating, lying, leaving their wives/partners for OW (often much younger, from work). Makes me so angry that it’s so often the women left with their lives in tatters, caring for the children, trying to rebuild their lives. Whilst the f*ckhead men waltz off. If we didn’t have a child together I would have let out my inner psycho and burnt all my ex’s clothes and keyed his car. But I have to rein in the rage and try and remain civil.

@LoisLanyard TBF if Nick Knowles wanted to sort my life out I'd let him 🤣

Thank you. Doubling up on st John's wort for a week to see if that makes a difference but will make a GP's appointment if not. It's strange that I've made it almost 7 months without feeling the nip!

I haven’t posted here for a while. 9 months post split, still living together. Things have been difficult but cordial. He keeps going on holidays - he felt our family life was very boring and he wanted more from life. I am disabled and our son has special needs so… yeah. He just booked himself another holiday to somewhere he went 3 months ago. I suspect he has someone there and I suspect that might be the real cause of the split.

i am really not ok. Really really not. Today I texted him and said I was feeling depressed because I still loved him as much as I ever had and I was struggling. He replied an hour later saying he would look for somewhere else to live. I have fallen apart. I know it probably is for the best but I feel heartbroken all over again, I know it’s stupid. Logistically and financially I don’t know how I’ll cope. I didn’t want to sell the house because it’s the only way my son will ever have anything in the future (he’s unlikely to be able to work, I have fought tooth and nail to protect the house so he has something). I feel absolutely hopeless for my own future - I can’t get any home help and am not disabled enough for benefits but disabled enough that I am just about hanging on to my job, I sleep every spare second I get and have numerous serious health concerns. I just don’t want to wake up in the mornings. I loved my husband so much and I just cannot deal with how everything has changed, I really did not see it coming, for 20 years we were so so in love, I absolutely won’t harm myself, it would destroy my son and he is my pride and joy, but I just wish I didn’t exist anymore, then my husband would live in the house with our son and one day it would go to my son, but that’s a shitty option because I know my son would be heartbroken. I just want this to stop, I want my life back, I want a say in things again (I have actually been very strong on the face of things and people have complimented me on how well I was coping - and I think that’s why I told my husband how I was feeling, I guess I thought there was a chance he might have thought I didn’t want him anymore and that was stopping him from halting the process. Well that was a fucking misconception lol.

ok this was a stream of consciousness rant. Sorry, I just really needed to scream into the abyss and for someone to hear me.

@RandomDepressedPun my heart goes out to you, I’m sorry you are in so much pain. Looking at the time you posted you presumably didn’t get much sleep. Remember today you will feel worse for that lack of sleep so keep reminding yourself of that and be so so kind to yourself, lots of hug with your boy.
Again, I have similarities with you length of time together, health issues that don’t effect working now but may in the future, you also have your son’s future to think about but he will be OK you will make sure of that. I too have thought I don’t want to be here but again because I love my son I absolutely would not try to hurt myself.
I know that feeling of just wanting things to be how they were, it hurts to the core that longing and it’s very hard to accept that it is not our lives anymore. I am struggling massively (though have appeared to have been coping) but I’ve noticed slowly I’m seeing that he is not the man I thought he was, that leads to another world of pain feeling you’ve been deceived but I am hoping it will help with accepting we weren’t right together even if that’s not how I felt. He’s cold, incredibly selfish, thoughtless and lacking in integrity. Not traits you’d usually hope for in a spouse! Can you make a list? I bet you can.
Have you a family or friend you can talk to? Sending you love and there’s lots of us in that abyss listening and screaming with you xxxx

@CleanShirt : @LoisLanyard ‘s dream about Nick Knowles must have raised a smile, made me snigger, though isn’t he a serial snake???

@outofdenialclaimingbackmylife will check that podcast out!
Hope today is a better day for all.

Probably @GutlessFury, probably!

I found out last night that stbxh got knocked off his pushbike by a car. Little bit of karma there!

@CleanShirt Ha! That will have been embarrassing for him!!

@GutlessFury well that would be typical - even in my dreams I can’t find a decent man 😂

@RandomDepressedPun im thinking of you - it all sounds very tough. Keep posting on here, even if it is to rant or share as it all helps.

@RandomDepressedPun I'm sorry it's so hard right now. I recognise the wishing it wasn't true. It's so disorientating. Change is hard. I don't have the answers, but I hear you. One thing, it's absolutely not stupid to feel how you feel. You are trying to process it, of course it's hard if he's just said he'll leave when that's not what you want. Take care of yourself, try to be nice to yourself including in your head, treat yourself if you can, do things you wouldn't normally because of ex. It seems that the only way to the other side of this desperately hard situation for all of us is through it, step by step, day by day.

I’m glad the thread is still active.

i’m going through a separation, I initiated it last week and right now we’re sharing the house until he can move out.
we have 3 kids who don’t know yet and I am sleeping in my daughter’s bedroom as they are on holiday with my mum.

i realised over the last few days that my grief is mostly coming from the fact that I have no close family or friends and he was my person for everything.
now I need to be everything to myself and figure out how to build a new network around me.

I don’t even know where to start between working and childcare

s Im 3 weeks in to a separation, grieved constantly very painful finding this guy helpful x

Sorry you find yourself here. Are you completely certain it’s really what you want? I’m the dumped party in my mess and the trail of destruction left behind is horrendous. Can you find a way to make it work?

really sorry to hear that you’re on the other side of the conversation. I hope you can start to rebuild your life and find a new version of your happy!

It’s been on the cards for the last 2 years, I have spent the last few years hearing him make promises and watching nothing change.
I need to get out and find my happy place again, otherwise I can never be a good mum.