A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

@superplumb it's all very new and raw for you. Sorry you're in this crappy club. It's not your fault. 2 weeks in, of course you'll want the familiar not the scary unknown. Be kind to yourself. You tried to do what he wanted, and it seems monstrously unfair that it turns out he didn't want it either. What sort of nob behaves like this, refuse to engage in counselling, list your faults, not even parent properly!?! You're right, he isn't who you hoped he was. So he's done you a favour by showing his true colours now.

All you can do is pick yourself up, figure out what you actually want and go and do it.

@cheeseloiuse that sounds very hard. Do you have any opportunities to escape, get some space for just you, even to go sit in the supermarket car park, or see a friend, or ride the bus, or walk in the park?

Thank you. One second I'm OK then the next in floods of tears. I broke down today just seeing a baby because I remember how happy I was in our unit which is now no more.

@superplumb ach, it's so hard, all the emotions on a loop. Do take care of yourself, treat yourself kindly, you're in shock! It does get easier, I promise. I'm 6 weeks in and at the start I never thought I'd be able to breathe properly again, or function, or eat! It's so, so hard, you are grieving the relationship. It's still hard now, but I'm slowly getting there, steps forward and back, partly inspired by the lovely people on this thread who've been there and got through. I'm distancing myself emotionally, trying to figure out what I want, having cake, leaning on friends, stacking the dishwasher however the fuck I want :).

It does get a bit less raw - I say this as someone a few months in. I don’t cry all the time and I can focus at work again. I am looking forward to an easier future, although I appreciate this might be a year or so down the line.
However, we haven’t told the kids yet - this is planned for 2 weeks time and I am really worried about how they will react. They are teens and so aren’t blind to how things are but I still think it will be unexpected for them. I’m also worried because we will then start telling wider social groups and mutual friends - my stbexh was planning on giving his side to everyone (even those casual friends) which scares me - I asked him not to and to just give a bland answer as I don’t think anyone will delve into it and if they did they are being nosey (apart from close friends, he can say whatever he wants). Does that make sense? He says I’m being ridiculous and controlling, as he can also tell people my side at the same time (??!!!). We live in a small town and his view of why we are splitting is different to mine (he is controlling and has been gaslighting me for years - it’s been very difficult but I finally saw the light a few months ago). I’m scared he will be telling everyone that I’m a cold and uncaring person who is angry all the time about nothing (I’m not - this is his behaviour but he repeatedly told me this to manipulate my behaviour).
Anyway, I meant this message to be supportive of others but I’ve just ended up typing self pitying stuff. Sorry. I have a couple of close friends I talk to about all of this but they aren’t divorced and I just need someone to tell me it will be ok in the end!

P.S I am also looking forward to stacking the dishwasher however I want!

@LoisLanyard I could have written this: "he will be telling everyone that I’m a cold and uncaring person who is angry all the time". That's exactly my STBEX line. He's not even sorry re OW because if I'd given him the attention he wanted and hadn't been either cold or angry all the time (though I'm not entirely sure how I'm both an unemotional robot but also always angry!) then he wouldn't have had to find someone else. So it's my fault.

I've had to suck up that I can't control what he says to mutual friends, or casual or his friends for that matter. Or even the handyman! But that runs both ways. Find your narrative, repeat it calmly to whoever, maybe chuck in a few "we have different views on why the relationship ended". Be thankful you saw the light!

Good luck with the kids, glad you got a bit of space before telling them. They will be fine, possibly even relieved if they've observed his dickheadery. Mine told our DS almost immediately so I'm still dealing with that fallout.

It's hard as we share 2 children who still don't know. So I have to see him when he comes here. Its like salt on the wounds. If i keep disappearing I'm worried The kids will notice

Thanks @PancakesForElephants that is really helpful, and you are right that I need to find my own narrative. And good point about how can you be both cold and angry! Hopefully if he does give his victim mode reasons why we broke up to people, they will know me well enough to think that I probably wasn’t this awful bitch of a wife who made his life a misery. Urgh. This is all quite hard.

@superplumb have you had any thoughts on when to tell the kids, or how? Maybe starting to make a plan so you can get the feeling of a bit of control back will help you?

Hi @superplumb your situation is very similar to mine, 24 years, completely unexpected, wouldn’t try counselling even for sake of our child, like you I don’t recognise him at all and 6 months on and I and am still in disbelief. Again like you, I can now see his many faults as a husband and father but would have him back like a shot, although I despise him for what he has done I still love him and I loved my life but most of all I don’t want to be a part time mum. All I can say is reach out to people, don’t do this alone, so many people have been so kind to me, mum’s at school who I might have just said ‘hi’ to previously have been a massive support, they’ve been completely outraged by what he’s done and they even sent their husbands to put furniture together in my new house! Sending you hugs x

@LoisLanyard when my ex and I split he preferred to tell people our marriage had been long finished rather than admit he had an affair. The people that matter will know the truth, the people that don’t matter, well don’t worry about them. Honestly the number of people that have spoken to me or messaged to say they know exactly what he was like (control freak) totally surprised me. You just focus on yourself and your kids.

It just hurts so much. I feel like we could've had a great future together, he would talk about where we would retire. It's all gone. I don't understand. He's a stranger. I don't recognise him. I just want the pain to stop

@superplumb I am right here with you, I’ve not been able to stop crying for two days I am in utter disbelief, feel so hurt and am fuming at the injustice of it all and his easy life compared to mine at the moment. I don’t really know what to say to help as I am in a state myself. Just focus on yourself and your children, getting through each portion of the day. You didn’t deserve this, it’s so unfair but worse things do happen, I find this helps me to keep things a bit more in perspective.

I'm sorry you're going through this too

I’m feeling rage towards my stbx tonight. We’re still living together. Tonight he’s took
my 4 year old camping for the first time, she s so excited. It’s a trip we were all meant to be going on. Sat here thinking I’m missing out on this first with her all because his feelings have changed and after 15 years he doesn’t want to be with me anymore

These things are so hard to deal with the first time, I felt the same when my ex took my son to our fave place in Anglesey that we’ve been going to since he was a baby. It hurt so much. You can take your daughter camping, just because it’s not her first time won’t make it less special. It will be special because it’s with you. I’m taking my son camping in the summer and I’m a bit daunted about doing it all by myself but I can’t wait. Try and keep yourself busy, speak to or see friends.
I can’t understand how men do this, unless it’s a horrible toxic relationship how can it life be better as a part time parent? I find it impossible to understand the selfishness.

I’ve got my 18 month old to keep my company…..he couldn’t possibly cope with both!

I know I just don’t get it either, all he says is I’m still the same person he fell in love with and I’m amazing blah blah but his feelings have just changed. I’ll never understand how they can have changed so much that he can’t explain why and he’s willing to throw everything we have away and take my kids away from me part of the time 🤷🏻‍♀️

I hope you have an amazing camping trip with your son 😊

Another day another cry. My aim is to have 1 day with no tears in the next week.

@superplumb take every day as it comes. And it is important to acknowledge and sit with your feelings - if you need to cry, do. It really does get better (I still have times where I cry of course but it isn’t every day)

I didn’t do much crying at all for months, (mostly because my ex lent on me emotionally for 3 months and it seemed like he would change his mind and I kept myself insanely busy). I cry most days now over 6 months on, have only just moved out of the family home though but I think I made a mistake not feeling all the feelings from the start and that’s why it’s hit me so hard now, so just go with the flow let yourself feel how you need to feel. Lots of cuddles with your baby and your little girl will be back with you soon.

Morning all. Has anyone explained divorce to their teenage kids in a way that answers the “but why” questions when there wasn’t an affair or big arguements all the time ie nothing obvious to them? We’re getting divorced because of my stbex’s behaviour - mean , angry and dismissive towards me followed by periods of being nice - I never know when it will change and it’s exhausting trying to keep the peace. I don’t want to tell the kids this as the stbex’s view is that all these things are me (which they aren’t - and I’m not being deluded with this, I’ve had to keep notes of things that have happened so when he denies them I can check!). And so if we tell the truth it will get all messy and horrible for the kids.

@LoisLanyard can you say you’ve grown apart and just don’t love each other anymore so you have agreed that splitting the best option and that you both love them type thing? Might seem a tad simple but that way no one can say the other is ‘blaming’ them if that makes sense at all and might make things easier for you with your (twat of an) ex?

That’s what I was thinking @Browniesandcustard, I would just say that sadly you don’t love each other anymore and have decided it is best that you seperate. But you both love them. I agree with you @LoisLanyard that you of course don’t want to say anything that will make them think ill of their dad. I don’t know whether you are able to discuss with your ex before you have the conversation - and I am not sure how old your children are - but if there has been no affair you could say that (as they might think that is why) and also say it is not because of anything they have done. And that they will still have a relationship with you both. It is so hard, I feel for you. I would also tell them any practical steps that are going to happen eg we will need to move/sell the house/dad is going to move out to X next week. Just so that it doesn’t all seem uncertain. And say of course they are likely to have questions and you’re happy to have another chat with them whenever they are ready.

Hey all. Have recently fallen into the "what's she got that I've not" mindset about OW. First time since he left in early Jan. Any tips for shaking this one off? I think it's because I've just found out they're renting a lovely big house, while I'm stuck in a mates spare room waiting for the sale of a tiny flat to go through.

@CleanShirt it’s a tricky one and I’m guilty of doing it too - particularly when he rocks up to pick the kids up in her car.

I don’t know if I picked it up from this thread or another one but saying to myself ‘it doesn’t matter - let it go’ kind of helps! X

How the hell do you get over this? I’m so desperately, desperately sad and exhausted. I can’t bear the time apart from my son and that his childhood has been completely fucked up. I don’t understand how someone can put themselves before their child in this way. I don’t see how I can ever get over the heartbreak of being forced to be a part time mum. I feel like there’s so much I don’t know about my ex and that our lives were just a lie. I sometimes worried that my life was too perfect despite the fact I was abandoned by my father & I had a chronic illness which led to life changing surgery and I’ve another major surgery to come but I was so grateful for my life. I tired to be a good person, always have done lots of volunteering and put my all into raising my son, looking after the home and working. Why was I not enough. I’m crying my eyes out day after day and this week my ex is having a hair transplant, a fucking 10k hair transplant just 2 weeks after I moved out of the family home! I keep imagining falling from a waterfall I know and imagining peace from
not having to feel like this any more but of course I would never do it as I love my son so much but the thought of the pain ending gives me a moment of relief.