A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

@GutlessFury I'm so sorry you're going through this too. Of course you can't believe your ex has chosen his own happiness over your son's, and then isn't even happy, because it doesn't make any sense! You are absolutely not desperate and weak! Look how far you've come in 6 months.

What has helped me to rationalise my own split is that my ex has chosen to blow his life up, and my job now is to do whatever is best for my DS and me. Put your own oxygen mask on first. Your ex's thoughts are no longer your problem. He's having a midlife crisis and you need to shield yourself and DS from the shrapnel. I realise it's devastating to face not being FT with your child, I haven't got to that stage yet so hopefully someone else has some wise words about that. What you can do is to provide your son with a loving, happy, stable home, and that will help him (and you) to be resilient to whatever twattery your ex ponies up next.

Last week I thought I'd never be happy again, but my counsellor gently helped me to reframe a few things. Do you have someone to talk to?

Be nice to yourself. You will be fine. One day at a time. Xx

@Itisallgoingtobeok Just wanted to say thanks for your recent post - I'm glad things are feeling a bit easier. Onwards and upwards!

@PancakesForElephants thank you so much for the reply, it really lifted my spirits and pulled me out of slipping down a hole today. What you said makes sense and I know I can give my DS the happy, stable home he needs and I fundamentally still feel a happy & content person. I’ve got my mum to talk to (and friends/school mums) but I find it sometimes makes it worse as we are going over the same things and trying to analyse what he’s said/done then my mind is in rumination mode all night and ultimately it’s futile, our marriage is gone and I just need to accept it. I have thought about a counsellor but having to go through it all with a new person just makes me feel exhausted! Thanks again, you look after you too xxx

@GutlessFury welcome, and sorry you have had to be here. It’s 11 months since my ex left and we share a 3 yr old DD. Like you, the impact on her was (and is) my main concern. I never wanted her to come from a broken home (my parents divorced) - I never wanted to have a child which I wasn’t with 24/7 or I had to share. I found it unbearable at first to even consider being in the house without her, seeing her bed empty. For the first 3/4 months after he left, he did not have DD overnight, until I was ready. But I was also utterly exhausted by that point - trying to process the breakdown of the relationship, him leaving (which was as a break/separation to start with, a limbo period before he said it was over for good) and trying to piece together what had happened to my life and family unit.

It was - and is - very hard. But what has helped me is to detach my former relationship with him from him being DDs dad. It’s important for her to have a good relationship with him, so I facilitate that. He does now have her for agreed weekends and sometimes in the week. She stays at “daddy’s house”. And even though I still hate it, I try and spend the time she is away planning to see friends. Weekends away: things I find it less easy to do when I am with her. It is tough, but like everything, it gets easier. What helped me was an agreeing a schedule so there is certainty of when DD was with me and with him.

And you are not desperate and weak, you sound anything but. It sounds like your brain is trying to process everything that has happened - whilst focussing on protecting your DS. I think for the ones who are left behind it naturally takes us longer to fathom why it has happened and then process it and all the crap before we get to an acceptance (I am not there yet). I am still at times furious he has F’ed off and left what was a solid family unit because he couldn’t be bothered to work through whatever was making him so (he says) unhappy. But everyday we grow a little stronger. House purchases and sales and moving etc is all so stressful, so you have a lot on your plate at the moment. Be kind to yourself xx

@outofdenialclaimingbackmylife
Thanks so much for the reply. Like you, I considered we had a solid family unit. We didn’t argue, we did a lot of activities together as a family, hiking, holidays, sports etc and we had our own interests and while things weren’t absolutely perfect, there was stuff to work on, I really thought we were, like you say, solid. We also only have one child so didn’t have the pressures I see other families under and I’ve not developed my career to allow him to climb to the top of his. I was a faithful & dutiful wife. It’s just hard to accept I wasn’t enough I suppose, and that I was bad enough to do this to our child.
He drew up a schedule so we know when we are each having DS but as I’m still in the family home it’s not a reality yet. I feel so much resentment for the immense stress I am under with the house move as well, I don’t really know how I am functioning! I guess it’s only time that is going to make this any better.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, I hope this week is a good week for you xxx

@GutlessFury - you ARE enough and you did nothing bad. This decision is on him, not you. I too had the same thoughts at the beginning - that I was so hideous and awful to be with that he couldn’t stay. But now I try and think more logically, I tried to help our relationship, I did all I could to keep us together. He stopped trying. He checked out. He made the decision to not see his DD everyday - not me.

Relationships, marriage, require work. It isn’t always plain sailing. What I have realised is that they can only work if both people want them too. One person cannot fix and sort out all the issues.

I am so sorry you are under so much stress with the house move and protecting your DS. It is awful. If you do decide to speak to a counsellor/therapist I would recommend it. I have found it hugely helpful to speak to someone independent who can help me realise that he has treated me quite horribly and that I need to start focussing on myself and DD and not fixate on what he (and his new woman) are doing.

This will be the most difficult part, when you are still in the family home and have to see him so regularly and be polite infront of your son. Dig deep and get through the next few weeks/days until you have your own place. xx

This is exactly how I feel. All I’ve had is ‘my feelings have just changed, you’re still the same person I fell in love with’. I’m sorry but what am I meant to do with that 🤷🏻‍♀️ you want to break up our family with no real reason why, just that I’m not enough anymore

It's so hard when your "DP" presents "it's all over" suddenly one day as a done deal. So disorientating. It made me question everything, sometimes I have no idea what's true.

I'm only a month post bombshell so I'm still all over the place, but sometimes I'm angry that he's been lying all this time, for months if not years. Not just about OW, but he's constructed a whole identity away from me, thought about housing and kid schedules and money (for him, not me) and mutual friends, and all the while I've been oblivious. And rewritten the history of our entire relationship to be one of grinding misery. But he has chosen this solo path, and chosen to build the resentment list in his head, so when I stack the dishwasher "wrong", or don't do what he thinks I should do, it's another piece of evidence we're all wrong.

Well, more fool him. What a whiny, self obsessed, small minded, petty, miserable, lonely way to live. He's got a big list of why I'm awful. Yeah, I could construct my own about him, but I am trying to remember I don't really need to because he did this.

Power and hugs to us all xxx

Ugghh. Such children they are.
The dishwasher thing was on the list of my apparent failings too.
You will get through this. I'm heading for 3 years in now. I'm peaceful and financially ok. Kids ok.
Build strong female friendships is my advice.

Oh @PancakesForElephants your line “And rewritten the history of our entire relationship to be one of grinding misery” struck such a chord with me. This is exactly what my ex has done! Told me repeatedly since he left that we never got on, he hated coming home, he didn’t like me, we had nothing in common. He has erased any of the happy times and filled all his memories with hellish arguments and sadness. It has really upset me - as I feel like he was rubbing out and rewriting my memories too.

But I have to remember that he is only going to do/say things that reinforce his decision to leave was right. So he has to continually restate the narrative that we never got on and always were fighting so that he can say to himself “it was the right thing to do to leave”.

Well I was happy the majority of the time, and really loved him. I think he used to get so angry seeing me as it would trigger some sense of guilt in him that he had completely screwed me over. Then the news of the OW nearly finished me off.

@PancakesForElephants one month in is the complete chaos of the storm. All the feelings, all the emotions. Sad, desperate, angry, bereft, furious, bewildered, questioning. It’s hideous.

Like @Lookingforunicorns says, build strong friendships. I have been amazed by the support I have had from people I didn’t think I was that close to. I’m 11 months on now and more stable than I was (not completely though!) It makes me so so angry that there are so many of us in the same position. I actually now think that my ex fell out of love with me and didn’t find me attractive anymore after I had DD, but didn’t have the balls to say that. When actually if he had the finality might have helped me start to move on earlier xx

Thanks @outofdenialclaimingbackmylife, glad to hear you're feeling more stable. I'm very thankful for my lovely friends who've variously picked me up or listened or supported me.

I guess they have to justify acting like total nobbers somehow. I'm sorry your ex dealt with the guilt as anger.

But the washing machine of emotions is just sooooooooooo tiring. I can barely function. We're still living together, separate rooms, while I try to decide what I want to do housing wise. Deciding anything feels so shaky right now, or so changeable when I don't know what's true or real. I'm not even sure how to get there. Like all the rest of this awful time I guess, one day at a time.

And thank you @Lookingforunicorns, glad you've found peace in being able to stack the dishwasher however you fucking want!

I feel so grateful to my friends, almost embarrassed by how many people who've gone out of their way to catch me. I will make sure to pay it forward.

Hey,

So there may be a possibility I will bump into the stbxh family this weekend, I'm worried about what to say if they happen to be there and ask if I'm ok. I'm obviously not, the last few months have been horrific all down to him. I have been grey rocking so I want a good response to basically be polite, keep my dignity, politely say no I'm not ok but also shut the conversation down.

They have turned a blind eye to his behaviour but sadly turned their backs on me after repeatedly telling me nothing has changed and I'm like a daughter. So it's all pretty raw and upsetting if I do see them.

@wouldntwannabeyou I am so sorry to hear this - I would also feel anxious and worried. I would only say, “no I’m not ok, it’s been really hard and I am working my way through things. Thank you for asking though” I don’t think you should lie or hide your feelings, esp when you are in the trenches and it’s his family you might see x

How is everyone doing?

I found.oht where stbxh lives yesterday. I immediately wanted to go into a Google rabbit hole and find out all about it, had to shut my phone in another room. First time I've known about his whereabouts since the 4th January. My therapist made a very good observation - he went from 2D to 3D with this information.

My 20 weeks is up on Friday and I have mega mixed emotions.

Hope everyone is holding up ok x

Hugs to you @CleanShirt It’s funny how you can feel like you’re doing ok then some little thing triggers a wave of emotions and actions.

My ExH has introduced the kids to his girlfriend (OW) and child and I’m not sure how to feel about that. Them doing things that we used to do as a family is upsetting and whilst part of me wants them to get on with her the other part of me wants them to despise her but I realise that’s not healthy.

I’m also procrastinating about putting the house on the market. Again part of me wants the fresh start to have a place that’s all mine but the other part of me is devastated that I have to sell the place where we started out married life and where our kids have grown up.

Most of the time I’m fine but I sobbed at a voicemail from the estate agents today and keep waking in the middle of the night mulling over what ifs. I know it’s a journey but boy I wish it was a shorter one x

@Iamnotapotato honestly I’d put the house on the market. Ours is ‘sold’ but not as legal crap going on, but I have been house sitting for a friend this week and I now cannot wait to have my own place. I’m actually thinking about moving to a different town as well. Go for the fresh start x

@wouldntwannabeyou is second what @outofdenialclaimingbackmylife said. Have one sentence in your head - practise it beforehand if you need to. Keep that head held high, say the sentence and move on to find someone else to talk to/pop to the toilets/etc.

@CleanShirt I would have been exactly the same if I had just found out (I will always know where my ex is as we have to coparent). I would want to google it, look on maps, potentially do a drive by - I’d know none of it was healthy or helpful, but the urges would be there. Well done for locking your phone in another room until things subsided. It is funny how info like that can resurrect feelings isn’t it? If I am away from home eg on holiday I feel so much free-er, as soon as I get back to the family home I feel a wave of negative emotion and sadness, almost like reality is worse when I am closer geographically. It shouldn’t make any difference that you now know where he lives, but of course it does somehow. It makes him a real person again.

@Iamnotapotato did your ex give you the heads up he was introducing the OW, or did he just do it? My ex has not done it yet, but I know it’s on the cards and it makes me feel sick. I am really struggling with it - for the reasons you have said. Of course logically I know if/when it happens I want my DD to get on with OW so that DD is happy, but on the flip side I just can’t bare the thought of it happening. Did they meet in a neutral place? Does OW stay over when your kids are with him now? I have found this issue the hardest, screw me over as much as you want but please leave my daughter out of this. I feel desperate I cannot protect her from this, I just have to wait on the sidelines and pick up the pieces if the OW is just a short term thing. It’s awful.

I echo what @Browniesandcustard said, I think a new house is a fresh start, however hard it is. I am still in the family home and I am struggling with the weight of the memories around me.

Sorry - the post above is from me, I just forgot to change my username

@PancakesForElephants you replied to me when I really needed it so just wanted to say I hope you are ‘ok’, I also wanted to say take your time about your decision about where you are going to live. I finally moved last week after 5 months of waiting for purchase to go through. Although the process has taken ages it was a rushed decision to buy this house, he had decided it would be me who moved so I wanted out asap. I cut my nose off to spite my face. I hate the house and now feel like although I have a roof over my head it isn’t and never will feel like home. I feel desolate that I will spend the rest of my son’s childhood as a part time parent in a house I don’t feel comfortable in. I keep trying to remind myself that the way I feel right now is all part of the process and I will come out of it in time. It just hurts like hell right now.

@outofdenialclaimingbackmylife no heads up from the ex. He can’t even speak to me despite being the one to end it 🙄

Thank you everyone I know I need to get it on the market. I will ring the estate agents tomorrow.

Sending much love and strength to you all.

@GutlessFury sorry you feel that way about your new house. The wonderful thing about a new place is, I imagine, no memories of STBEX awaiting round corners to ambush you. It's yours. Just yours to do with as you please, build a lovely home, no hangovers from the past, no if onlys, no tedious disagreements about what to fix/not fix/whatever. You get to make it a wonderful home for you and your son, even if ex twatface has made you a part time parent, he can't make you a crappy one, that's all on him.

The one bit of advice that I've really clung to is be nice to yourself :). You're doing amazingly well to have sorted out a new place in a few short months. you're free! Go you!

Husband left 2 weeks ago. Listed all my faults. Despite telling me he loved me, had sex with me, anniversary cards flowers apparently he hadn't been happy for ages. He didn't tell me. He did tell his mum, along with a list of my faults. He says he loves me but not us. Begged him to consider counselling fot the sake of our 2 children but he said we're broken, no point. 26 years. Can't believe it. I don't recognise the person he is. He isn't the one i married.
Speaking freely with family have highlighted some aspects I was blind to..he was never a family man as such. Even when he took leave during holidays he never took the kids out anywhere. Never took them to birthday parties or sort play dates. At one point was obsessed with us having a threesome with another man which I wasn't interested in.

Looking back I'm not sure he ever cared really. I remember when I had an emergency c section after being awake for 3 days, left me in the ward to go home for a 'quick nap'. 12 hours later he returned. Lots of red flags along the way but I dismissed it to make it work.
I hate myself for wanting him back to make it work. I feel sick at the thought of him with someone else.
P.s. he also moaned about my dishwasher stacking and would very loudly rearrange it all again.

Can I join please.

Conditional order due any day but still living under same roof with DC.
It's horrendous and we only communicate via text but neither can afford to move out.
Feel like I'm losing my mind.