A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

@Lavender2024 I am fired up with fury on your behalf. Yes you deserve better and so do your children. Introducing them to the OW without telling you in advance, or asking if it would be ok, is absolutely unacceptable in my view. I wish I had some words of wisdom or something I could say to help - but sadly I don’t, other than I am so so saddened and disgusted by how men behalf. Without a seconds thought for the women and children left behind.

@Browniesandcustard I am so sorry things are so stressful right now. I too have increased my AD medication to help me cope. It sounds like you are in an extremely difficult part of the break up at the moment, having to discuss and agree the financial side of things and try and stay strong and cope. I can only imagine what it is like to see happy social media posts from him and the OW. They are not thinking of you or the hurt that their actions are causing. I am not sure if you are seeing a therapist/counsellor but if not I would recommend it, if only to have a safe space to discuss how you are feeling about things and to speak to someone who can help you start to unpick and process things. It sounds awful the place you are in, but this part of the process will end. And you will slowly slowly start to heal and be able to move forward. ❤️

Do men just leave after a long time because they aren't happy or is it more likely their head was turned?

I thought it was the former, everyone one here told me to expect another woman. And they were correct.

Men very, very rarely leave with nowhere to go.

I'm absolutely broken today.

At work and just want to run home and cry. Also don't want to be here on this planet.

I dont know how to ever get past this.

I've been through loads of breakups but this is the worst I've ever known.

Probably a bit of both. Unhappy and then have head turned.

My husband and I seperated in October. He got with his now girlfriend within weeks (so he says). But they met in the summer. Which coincides with when he became distant, absent, disappeared and imo 'checked out' of family life. So I echo pp who said men rarely leave with nothing else lined up. Even if its not cheating, they can have their heads turned. He became cold and bad tempered with me and the kids. Seemed to resent us, probably because he didnt want to be here and wanted to start something up immediately with his now gf. I didn't know why at the time and was desperately sad.

its very depressing and pathetic, but true for me.

I'm so sorry to hear so many of us being put through this absolute shit. It's cruel and unfair.

My heart is breaking tonight as my soon to be ex husband, has taken his affair partner, our children and her child to his parents home for the weekend. The family that I loved and respected, the family that promised nothing would change have welcomed her into their home, she's sleeping on my side of the bed and Iv not heard from them for five months.

The feeling of being replaced by not only him, but a whole family that I loved and thought of as my own is horrific.

I wish I'd have got out before he had the chance to hurt me like this.

Do we believe in karma?

Hugs to you all. This sucks.

I'm finding the personality transplant in STBEX hard to take. Was a grumpy, huffing, sighing serial complainer about being tired. Now there's OW, and he's looking for places to move out to, he's bouncing around like fucking Tigger.

No consideration of my or DS feelings. This is all new to us. Presumably STBEX has been hatching plan for months.

I'm finding it hard to step back and detatch. He's not my friend. He doesn't have my back. He shouldn't be involved in my decisions. But he's the person I'd discuss this sort of thing with for last 15 years. It's just that he's decided he'd be happier without us. And it seems he's right.

Hello everyone. You were wonderful with me in August 2023 when my now ex-husband left me unexpectedly. Turns out there was another woman, same old.

I just came here to tell you that YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

I didn't think I would. I contemplated throwing myself onto the motorway. I walked into my GP's surgery a mess and begged for help. I was a shadow. A complete mess.

But as his treatment of me worsened, I came to see what the relationship had really been like, what I'd compromised for him, what I'd done, what I'd sacrificed of myself.

My friend sent me this: "she remembered who she was and the game changed".

I am back to being actual me. Not limiting who I am, what I say or do. I feel fulfilled, happy, a gazillion times better off without him. He has continued to be, or try to be, horrendous to me. He and his family have revealed their true colours and I'm glad it's over.

I am not underplaying what anyone is going through or how shit it is trying to sort out stuff when it's like negotiating with Voldermort. But keep going and find who you were before them, only now you're improved too by dealing with them and all the ensuing rubbish.

We are like an army of the super strong, amazonian, brave warriors who are infinitely stronger and wise and wonderful owing to our battle scars.

It's still only 10 months for me but we are divorced and I am about to move into a house that is just mine.

YOU CAN DO IT.

Love that @Tinyminx. I'm a few months behind you (dropped the bomb 2 weeks before Christmas and left 3 weeks later), and OW has recently come out of the woodwork. Still having some horrific days but they're getting better.

Love your mate's quote and hearing your inspiring story! x

@Tinyminx thank you so so much for your empowering message. It fills me with so much hope and joy to hear that you are now in a better, stronger place. And that you were able to battle onwards and through all the cr*p to come out the other side. You are indeed a warrior.

My ex left in July 2023 and is now with a much younger OW from work. Claims no overlap but who knows. He told me a few months ago about her, and it triggered a massive set back for me. I was back at square one, sobbing, howling, signed off work - speaking to GP and having dark thoughts. Only my DD got me through it.

I am not quite out of the storm yet, but I have had glimmers of better days. A friend sent me a quote saying "actions are character". Look at how someone is treating you, the choices they are making. Their actions. That is their character. I think I have been so blinded thinking of how I felt about him I never stopped to think about how he made me feel - rejected, on edge, worried, unloved, uncared for.

It is time to focus on me.

I am having regular therapy, leaning on friends, trying to install better habits in myself (i.e. limiting the gin consumption!) and slowly trying to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. As you say @CleanShirt I still have some hideous days, but I am starting to have some better ones too.

(I have changed my username from "needtocomeoutofdenial" - as finally, FINALLY, I think I am!)

@outofdenialclaimingbackmylife Love the NC! That's taking a little bit of power back!

I've been having some really disturbing dreams about stbxh, OW and weirdly my abusive ex from many years ago. Not a fan of my brain right now!

@outofdenialclaimingbackmylife thanks! I love this, it is absolutely about how they treat us and how they make us feel. Claiming that back, not being affected by his behaviour, has floored him. He tries to manipulate to gain some control, he did it with my daughter at weekend!! Weak little man.

I know what you mean, finding out about the OW set me back. There's always an overlap, thet need to know they have someone to go to. But she's welcome to him...he eats like a toddler, he's lazy, sexist...and crap in bed lol!

@Tinyminx @outofdenialclaimingbackmylife isn't it strange how they always find some way to drag you back down. I only had confirmation of the OW a few weeks ago (I was sure of her from the off and even said her name to him but of course he denied it and I didn't want to believe it!), and I feel like I've taken mega steps back.

Whenever I feel I'm having a good day I'll get an email from him about our house sale and just seeing his name drags me down.

Doesn't help I'm in limbo housing wise, waiting for the house to be sold, trying to buy a flat and living at a friends house. I'm mourning my home at the same time as my marriage and am not enjoying this middle part!

Sorry, that turned into a little rant!

Hi all,
I recently posted in Relationships about how I've been feeling lost and lonely after my marriage separation. I've just come across this thread and have been reading many of the posts.

I instigated a separation from my ex DH a few months ago after over 20 years of marriage. The last decade was full of emotional abuse, gaslighting, passive aggressiveness and self centred behaviour. He became so cold towards me and told me he wasn't in love with me any more. All that being said, he still wanted to stay together because of the dc and finances! I was so stressed and heartbroken for years and told him we had to separate so he moved out a few months ago.

I'm pretty sure he doesn't have anyone else - in fact I've asked him about it and he's said that he's open to meeting someone but it hasn't happened. He has depression and anxiety and I think he might be neurodiverse.

One of my main problems at the moment is that I feel in limbo with everything. We are both very involved with the dc, he comes over here a couple of times a week to cook for them as I'm back late from work. The dc go to his at the weekends and I go over on a Saturday for a "family meal".

Exdh is sometimes pleasant to me, but sometimes very stressed and moody, just like how he was when we were together. I feel like I am constantly trying to smooth things over - when we are together with the dc and things seem a bit awkward, I feel like I have to keep the peace. Its fathers day this Sunday and I've invited him over for a meal and reminded the dc to get him a card/gift.
I've told exdh I am always there for him as a friend and he recently cried on my shoulder as he said he missed the dc and was feeling really lonely.

But I'm thinking why the hell am I making such an effort? It has always been so one way. It's not reciprocated. Exdh doesn't spend time thinking about me or how he can support or be there for me. I feel like I am doing it so that the"family unit" is still together in a way, but I feel its holding me back from moving on.

I feel such mixed feeling about exdh - looking at old photos I feel heartbroken that he changed so much. I'm so sad that our family has broken up. I feel I still care about him. But I'm also in shock and feeling angry about how he treated me for years - I still don't think I've really processed it. And he's left me with pile and piles of his stuff in the house, junk and rubbish that needs to be sorted or taken to the tip. When I've asked him for help he just makes excuses.

I don't know how to heal from this separation whilst he's still very much in my life. Any tips or thoughts would be very welcome!

@cleanshirt I am sorry that you are being dragged down by him, but I know the feeling. It must be really hard to be in this limbo/inbetween state. The only thing you can do is keep looking forward and keep going. You won't be living with friends forever, you will move into your new home and each day it will get slightly easier. I know what you mean about hearing/seeing the ex, it makes my stomach flip and then unsettles me. I have felt a small win from the fact that the last few times I have seen him I haven't cried. Which is progress! It is just so strange to me that someone you were once in a close relationship with can now be a stranger, who can only stand on the doorstep to talk to you. How strange life is.

@Bluebreeze what you wrote resonated a lot with me. My ex left last July, but for the first 6-9 months it felt like we were playing at being separated in a way. He still had a key to the family home, would collect my daughter from nursery and bath and put her to bed here, he would come over early so I could get into the office, I would message him all the time about DD, to arrange things. He came over on Xmas morn to watch her open her presents. There was never any physical touch/affection, but other than that it was like we were still in some form of relationship just living apart. I couldn't move on during that. I remained in denial of what was happening - I remained hopeful we could reconcile and get back together. It was only 6 weeks ago when he told me of the OW that I have had to painfully detach and force myself to accept the situation. I asked him to remove the rest of his things, give back his key, and have tried to reclaim the home as mine.

I appreciate how difficult it is to do that if your STBXH does not want to/have the energy to do so - but I think it is important for you to set boundaries for yourself so that you are able to start to move on. Personally, as hard as it is - I would stop going over for the Saturday "family meal". It is incredibly painful I know, but the family unit is not you, him and the DC now. I think it must be so hard for you to process anything and start to work through what has happened when you are still at times playing happy families. Re Father's Day, could the DC go to his and you have some time on your own? What I have realised is that my ex could not be the comforter/source of support for my break-up from him. And you cannot be the source of comfort for your break up from your STBXH, as much as he may want you to be.

@outofdenialclaimingbackmylife thanks for your post, it's really helpful! It sounds like you had a similar situation with your separation. Yes, I totally feel that exH and I are still in some sort of relationship, just living apart. We even hug each other goodbye sometimes - it's strange! It's just so weird having been so close to each other in years gone by, and now separated but still needing to be in contact with each other because of the dc - I think we're both trying to adapt to whatever our new relationship is, but it's not easy.

I think you're right, I do need to set boundaries. That must have been so hard for you to find out about your ex's OW, I'm so sorry to hear that. It sounds like it was a catalyst to detach a bit more from him, which I guess is a step forward in the healing process.

I think I am going to have to force myself to detach from my ex. Going round for family meals was really for the dc, so we could all be together, but maybe it is all a bit fake. I mean you're right, my family unit does not include exH any more. I have been feeling really conflicted and like I don't have space to process everything whilst I'm seeing him so much.

If I'm honest I think one part of me has been clinging onto seeing him - even though I know it can't work between us, he's just so familiar and has been such a huge part of my life.

It really resonated what you said that we can't be each other's comfort for our break up. ExH only seems to talk to me, no one else, about how he is feeling, so I feel obliged to listen as I feel bad that he doesn't have anyone else to talk to, but I think it's holding me back.

How's everyone doing?

I've had quite a positive week but a few wobbles today for no apparent reason.

I'm so sad. Just feel desolate, empty, unloved. Everything is worthless dust. I thought I was coping. I'm not.

I’ve had a mostly ok week. Having to keep reminding myself why I am getting divorced as my stbexH has started to say he isn’t sure if it is the right thing, we should try angain and he worries about the kids. But he has been really mean in the past including porn addictions, doing minimal housework, wanting to see prostitutes as I wasn’t attentive enough, to saying he deserved to be more successful than me as my role in life was to support him….even as I write them part of me thinks perhaps I over reacted to it all. I need to squash that part down as if a friend was in a relationship like that I’d tell her to leave so I need to listen to my own advice!

how have you been with the wobbles @CleanShirt? on the up today or still a bit wobbly?

@PancakesForElephants it’s really tough and I’m sorry you’ve felt that way this week. I hope next week is a bit brighter for you.

Thanks @AloneAgain2023

EDIT - somehow tagged this user and can't delete it! Sorry!

Thanks @LoisLanyard. Very up and down after a good week which is annoying. Marital home should be sold in the next week or so and it's all becoming very real again. I'm in a friend's spare room while this happens and then I should hopefully be in my own place shortly after that.

Whenever I think I'm doing well something (sometimes nothing!) comes along and I'm set back again.

It's been a long time since I posted on this thread, but I do keep an eye on it. I can see we have some new posters, I am so sorry you are here, but I hope you find some solace on this thread.

It has now been about a year since the split. Someone on this thread at some point said there will be a morning when you wake up and the first thing on your mind won't be your ex-partner. That started to happen to me a couple of months ago. I do still think about him a lot, but I no longer feel that awful raw pain I felt previously. I am still extremely sad, and I think I always will be. I don't cry anything like I used to. At the beginning it was almost constant. Now it is every few weeks when something happens and I think of him, as he was, before things went so wrong.

After the split, I spent a few months of trying to control the crying episodes. I realised I needed to feel the grief, sadness, rage, and betrayal. I had to get it out of my system. It was incredibly painful, I can honestly say I have never felt anything like it. I also started journalling. I was never very sure about writing things down, but realised it was because I was scared he would read it. Now I can pour out anything I am feeling, without worrying. It really did help me. Interestingly, over time, the entries slowed up as I started to feel emotionally better.

I guess I am writing to say that it will get easier, each day will be a tiny little bit better than the last. It won't be easy, but there is a brighter, calmer future out there. Lean on those who love you and let them help you put one foot in front the other. You will make it. You will be OK.

Hugs to all.

Nice to see you @Itisallgoingtobeok and really like the positive update x

Hi I’m new to MN and all this. I’m nearly 6 mths out from being dumped by husband (married 11 yrs together 24, 1 DS 11) I coped for first 3 months as he lent on me emotionally and often broke down and said ‘he didn’t know if what he was doing was right’ so I was convinced we’d try again. But that’s not what he wanted and I am due to exchange on a house this week, which has been another source of unbelievable stress). I am now beside myself with disbelief and hurt and I can’t believe my son’s happy comfortable life is being wrecked and that I am going to have nights without my son with me. He says there’s no one else, there were some signs but I have no real evidence. Last week I made a comment about him enjoying his new life and he said he isn’t and he is lonely, depressed and extremely stressed. Maybe because I’m still in the house? I am a mentally resilient person due to other stuff in my life so I’m not worried about me it’s the effects on my son that kill me the most. I’ve been reading various forums and now find myself here but I wonder if they make things worse for me rather than better, as it makes me think about things more, anyone else find that? I don’t know what I am saying/asking really, just feeling desperate and weak. A feel for everyone going through this who didn’t want to. You really don’t understand how painful it is until it happens to you.