A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

Mine left last week, i literally want to die to end the pain but i have to hold it together for the children.

So sorry @Recentlybroken. It's horrible when it's so fresh.

I'm 5 months since he left and have that horrible feeling back in my belly today, can't seem to shake it off. I'm supporting a friend who has just left her husband and wonder if that's knocked me back into these feelings.

@ithinkicanithinkican I dip into this thread every so often and I've just read your original post. I just want to say there's a kindred spirit here too. I too am 54, with 2 children, the younger one about to do their A-levels and head off to uni. So I completely understand the fear of suddenly being left alone. My STBXH and I were married for 14 years, together for 25, but had been drifting apart for probably nigh-on 10 years or so, when I really think about it. We decided to separate last summer, which was a complete shock to me, although he'd obviously been planning it for a while. This last year has been an absolute roller-coaster of ups (realising that I am actually happier without him) and tremendous downs (seeing my children suffer at not seeing him). I too am going to have to give up our beautiful family home that we strived for 20-odd years to achieve, working our way up the property ladder. I don't earn anywhere near as much as my ex, so my living standards will probably plummet once the divorce goes through. BUT I'm now at the stage where I can see that the future does look a lot freer and happier despite all the financial downsides. We're currently going through mediation, where his true colours are shining through, so I know I'm going to have to fight to get what's rightfully mine and the children's. It's been a long old journey thus far, and I've learned a hell of a lot about myself along the way. I come from a highly dysfunctional family with a sibling who I haven't spoken to in a few years, but have found my close friends an unbelievable source of support over the last few months. So I would say, if you do have any friends you consider close in any way, reach out to them. You'll be amazed at how kind and supportive some people can be. I too believe I will remain single, as I just can't see myself trusting anyone else enough again. But never say never, as others have said, we just don't know what's round the corner! Stay strong and know you're not alone in this. Big hugs.

@Recentlybroken I know that feeling well. Your children will get you through this, they need their mum. The physical pain and mental torture is absolutely relentless and devastating isn’t it. You are in the immediate aftermath, it is raw, crushing, disabling. All you can do is take it minute by minute and keep yourself safe. Open up here, to friends and family. Try not to be on your own too much. If you’re a podcast fan I have found “motherhood not as we planned” helpful. Books wise; Paul McKenna “how to heal a broken heart”, Rosie Green “how to heal a broken heart”, Sara Davidson “uncoupling” are some I have read (or part read). Anything to try and keep my mind off the intrusive thoughts. Please be kind to yourself x

@CleanShirt that bloomin’ stomach feeling pops up when you least expect it doesn’t it? I am almost 10 months in, but I feel like the first 5 months we were almost “playing” at being separated, we lived in different houses but coparented very closely eg he would come to mine and put our DD to bed if I was going to be late home from work, so it was almost like we were still together - just living apart. For me, it’s only really been the last month when he told me he is with someone else that I have started to process everything. I feel like a massive idiot for believing him to be such a good man and for loving him so hard for so long, supporting him to change careers, pay off his debts, provide a home for his older children. Slowly the rose tint is coming off the glasses. But it is leaving me utterly bereft. I cry immediately on seeing him, which makes hand over of DD hard. Still onwards and upwards I guess. He said he didn’t think he’d be able to open up to anyone again and would stay single forever - then oh look, he’s sleeping with a much younger woman from work. Still makes me feel sick.

Good to hear from you @cakeoverexercise and some very wise words. I too have found friends so so supportive, even those I consider more like acquaintances or haven’t spoken to for years. The other evening I remembered a school friend of mine (I am now mid-40s) who I hadn’t spoken to for about 5 years had been divorced. I rang him and sobbed down the phone asking him how he got through it all. He was so kind and helpful. People generally are kind (except our ex-partners it seems!) We have to try very hard to remember that we are not alone @ithinkicanithinkican . I don’t know what the future holds for me, I just want to not shed so many tears x

@needtocomeoutofdenial I don't know how you do it. We don't have children - I can't imagine everything having to speak to him or being civil to him ever again. You're a warrior x

@Recentlybroken The pain in the beginning is awful but you can and will get through this. If you need to ring friends, family or even the Samaritans. You’re not alone and you’re stronger than you think you are.

It is hard and I won’t lie it’s still hard nearly 9 months on from when we actually separated. Most of the time I’m fine. I miss the kids when they’re with him and he will only communicate via email which is unbelievably pathetic. It’s easier when I don’t see him but he rocked up in his girlfriends (younger of course) car to pick up the kids the other day which set me off as if he’s driving her car then to me it feels like a serious relationship. The kids of course don’t know about the girlfriend yet so he was just borrowing a ‘friends’ car. Prick.

Hello all, it has been a while since I last posted, but I do read the thread. I've been going through a really bad patch over the last couple of weeks. If I am not in public then I am crying. Sobbing my heart out. I feel totally frozen and the future looks empty and bleak. I get through each day on willpower alone. I am shocked that even after all this time the pain is still so acute.

I somehow need to get a grip and make something of the rest of my life. I was wondering whether to ditch my married name and go back to my maiden name as a massive symbol of a new start.

Hugs to all.

Hey @Itisallgoingtobeok, good to see you. I'm so sorry you're feeling like that. It really is the worst rollercoaster in the world! You've come really far, don't forget that. Lots of love x

Edit - I changed my name back at work quite quickly, felt like I was taking some power back.

@CleanShirt thank you for the reminder, I think we all need that every now and then. Interesting that you changed your name back, I'm going to sleep on it for a while, but the idea is growing on me massively.

Hugs to all.

As soon as the house is sold / flat is bought I'll be changing by deed poll back to my maiden name. I hate the reminder of him!

@Itisallgoingtobeok really good to hear from you. I’m so sorry you are in a difficult place right now. I think it is so difficult for any of us to predict how we might feel at any moment, or what might trigger another dip. I try and comfort myself by thinking that releasing the emotions is healthy, and actually helping me process and inch forward in recovery. I know it is so so hard, but we have to believe this too will pass.

Re the name change, I think it sounds like a great idea. Empowering and a line in the sand for your new life.

Sending you so much love.

I couldn't wait to get rid of my ex-husband's surname. My dad gave me a good name and I'm proud to use it again!

Ditto. Stbx and I unfortunately work for the same company and have very similar first name, kept getting emails for him and it was super triggering! Maiden name all the way.

Met up with a friend tonight. She's engaged to a man she's been with for seven years. And so happy.

I had a great relationship and it ended because of me. I'm so happy for my friend but so sad for me.

What did you do?

Has anyone felt like it's all their fault and you're not enough? I keep beating myself up and apologising to him for him leaving me (because i am a shit person)

It's not your fault in the slightest.

@Recentlybroken it is not your fault he left. It is not that you weren’t enough, or that you’re a “shit person”.

I know your mind can tell you that, and I too have apologised for messing everything up, when in reality, it wasn’t me!

You are so early into the break up, you’re no doubt in shock, and also wondering/torturing yourself over whether things can/could be different - pleading, bargaining, wanting desperately for things to be different, are all normal things to feel. Well I did (and still do). My ex leaving me has made me feel worthless, disgusting, fat, ugly, damaged and broken. Logically, I know I am not those things (well I could lose a few pounds 😂) but I think the utter rejection “rug pulled out from under me” news he was leaving and the now reality of him being with someone much younger has been a bitter bitter pill to swallow.

It was their decision to leave. It was not our fault.

I can't believe I have only just come across this thread, I have been looking for further support. It's been six months since the bomb drop of my husband announcing he was leaving and that his "happiness was important". All came as a shock as we were looking at new houses. A few weeks later I discovered his affair, with his employee. I have been through absolute hell and continue to do so. I felt like he had set the house on fire and just left me to escape, that's literally how it felt. I thought I was doing relatively ok until last weeks six month mark and it's sent me spiralling again. With disagreements in child contact, starting financial disclosures as arranged by me with the solicitor which he was reluctant to do it's all a lot on top of the sheer hurt, betrayal and heartbreak. I have engaged in so much therapy and put everything in place to support myself through this, but I just feel like only time can help me now. It's so difficult when he seems to be living his best life with his affair partner, they're jetting off all the time, constantly out and living the high life. I'm working hard to pay off any debt in preparation but know that I will end up taking his debt on during the financial disclosure. Knowing they have blended their families and the woman who has ruined my marriage along with him, are enjoying time with our children and she has stepped into my children's lives is killing me.

The sheer hurt, lack of loyalty, disrespect and betrayal I cannot understand. I will never know what I did to deserve this, only now do I see that I was burnt out in our marriage and that he was gaslighting and I would have done anything for him, but he wouldn't do anything for me.

It's so sad, one thing I know is, apart from my kids, I will never put anybody else before myself ever again.

@Lavender2024 our stories are weirdly similar, I'm coming up to the 6 month mark. Sending you love and support x

@Lavender2024 welcome, although sorry you have to be here too. Your vivid description of feeling like he’d set the house on fire and then left really resonated with me. My ex claims that nothing happened with his much younger work colleague whilst we were together but who knows, at the very least I think they were getting emotionally close.

I would also have done everything and anything for him, but he didn’t feel the same. It’s been 10 months since bomb drop.

I can only imagine the sheer heartbreak of knowing your children are interacting with him and her together. I have that to come - as yet my DD (under 5 yrs) hasn’t met the OW.

Hearing your story, and everyone else’s, makes me so angry and frustrated on behalf of us all. They just don’t give a flying f**k about us and our feelings. My ex is now having a great time with his new woman, carefree lifestyle whilst I am parenting a pre-school child, worrying I am damaging her as I am so constantly upset and am stuck in the house we all lived in together.

We all deserve better.

I hope I’m ok to be back on here? I posted early up in my break up (6 months ago) that my 2nd husband was having an affair. Thankfully no children together but mine are late teens. I am being completely done over on finances, my solicitor is costing me a fortune, I’m losing the use of a car, my ex and his affair partner have been plastering themselves all over social media and I just want to run away. I feel sick constantly from his demands about selling the house and despite it all hopefully being done and dusted in the next few weeks, I don’t actually know how I can physically get through all of this. I can’t eat properly and am getting about 4 hours of sleep a night. People are well meaning and keep telling me it will all be ok, but they’re not the ones in this mess. I’ve upped my AD meds but don’t want to be taking them. I can’t increase my income unless I get a second job (I already work full time) and just feel so stuck and rubbish. I know there’s nothing anyone can do but I honestly don’t know how long I can carry on like this for. All because he couldn’t be honest (and yes I am way better off without him). 😭

Hi, thank you for your support.

Knowing my children have been introduced to the person who has hurt us the most and taken the chance to be a family, is the most hurtful of it it all. It was all done within three months and without my knowledge, it sickened me when I found out. I never worried about this happening, as my husband was always so disgusted by people who had affairs. But here we are, it's the typical change that we read about. He suddenly questions things that never bothered him before, he's suddenly a present Dad, he's suddenly able to get up and do family days out. His family told me nothing would change, yet they've ghosted me.

I feel like him showing his new found happiness will justify their affair and wrong doings to his family. I feel like all will be quickly forgotten on their side and that I am now being portrayed as an awful person. I have held myself in the hardest of moments, I have grey rocked significantly and I have kept my grace about me, but this is all so unfair. This is a life I didn't ask for, didn't am deserve and would never have chosen.

How can they be so cruel and treat you so badly when they decide there's an upgrade out there for them. The fact they have both cheated, leaves everybody telling me it won't last. However I have a feeling it will, they believe they're soul mates. My heart is broken. Worse knowing that he will forever be in my life because of our children. I don't deserve this and our children don't deserve this.