A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

How are you @CleanShirt - how did you find out? How awful.

A friend saw something on Instagram. I knew she'd been keeping an eye on things since he left, but I asked her not to tell me - last night I stupidly asked.

He's 41, I'd guess she's about 26.

@CleanShirt I'm so sorry. What a shit. It's so depressing to see how many times this script plays out, over and over again, these men who lie through their teeth and hop on to a new relationship while not caring one iota about the partners that they loved / married / had children with / spent decades with. I used to read all the posts on MN from women saying "it's the script" "there's an OW" and think that they were paranoid men-haters (not quite, but you know what I mean!). After a year of these threads I realise that, sadly, that seems to be true more often than not.

I know it doesn't help your feelings right now to know that it is such a familiar pattern, but you are very much not alone, and you will get through this, and you will (in time) be better without him.

Thanks @harlemriver. Such a sad old cliche isn't it.

Says a lot about him and his family, they all seem to have embraced her. I'm definitely taking this better than I would have done a month ago but it's such a gut punch.

I’m so sorry. I’ve said to mine if there is someone else I will find out. I don’t know how they think they’ll get away with it

Oh @CleanShirt i am so sorry to read this, what an absolute “see you next Tuesday”. And going for someone so much younger too, seems similar to my situation. My ex is now with a 34 yr old, he’s 47. Met at work. Says nothing went on before we split but of course I have my suspicions, at the very least they were getting emotionally close at work. What makes me so furious about all these situations is the fact that so often the men lie lie lie to us! It just makes it so much worse. I am still trying to digest the news he has someone else (he told me two weeks ago) it’s not been a good time but I do feel stronger than I did two weeks ago. We are better off without them, even if we don’t always feel it yet. I am absolutely amazed how these men jump ship into the arms of someone else without a care in the world, and who are these younger woman who want to date older men who have just left a family unit and often their children? I can’t process it all. Well done to your friend for being honest with you, although the words must have cut you like glass. Sending you all my love today x

Thank you @needtocomeoutofdenial. It's hit me hard today but I know it'll get easier.

I knew it was her from the minute he opened his mouth about leaving me. I saw him sending love hearts to a recently deleted and reopened WhatsApp chat and I knew it was her.

I gave him so many chances to come clean and he lied and lied and lied.

I’m so sorry - that is really crap. But it goes to show what a perceptive person you are - you knew it despite his denials. He’s an idiot.

Thank you all. I'm feeling marginally better today but just have that sick feeling in my stomach all the time.

It's sickening me that he's just lied through his teeth this whole time and made me out to be the problem. Feel like I've taken several steps back. Moved my therapy session forward a few days to this evening so I can talk it through properly.

My relationship is over but it was my fault so I'm struggling with guilt and shame as well as deep sadness. I have therapy later today and I'm proud I was able to book it. I cant eat anything at all.

@CleanShirt I’m pleased you have therapy later, it will hopefully be helpful to let out how you are feeling and talk through the betrayal and shock. I know that sick feeling well, I had it for two weeks. A ball of anxiety in my stomach, it is hideous. But like everything it will fade. You are no doubt still in shock and your brain is trying to process everything - especially if he has tried to pin the end of the relationship on you. I wish I had some tips to make things pass more quickly but I am afraid I don’t. I am told that we have to let our feelings out, cry, scream, shout, write things down if that’s your thing, the only way out is through x

@needtocomeoutofdenial thank you. I knew this day would come and just trying to deal with it as best I can. In reality I want a bottle of wine and a sob in bed but that wouldn't help anyone!

Well my therapy threw up a lot of things my brain didn't let me register at the time.

I think it had maybe been going on since August (he dropped the bomb in December and left 3 weeks later). In that time we had 2 holidays and several days off with his family, plus it was my birthday where he gave me a lovely gift and a card with a lovely message.

I think she was in my house when I went to my parents after he left. I found bits of confetti and a blonde Kirby grip. Were they celebrating the fact he'd left me?

He was messaging her on Christmas and boxing day after convincing me not going to my parents.

I think I caught him taking a dick pic one night.

He was off work late a lot, but as he's a police officer I let it go.

I think my anger is finally surfacing. What am absolute scumbag. He was her manager, what a disgusting cliche.

Hello everyone – I haven’t written on this thread for a while, but I’ve been reading everyone’s updates. I’m here today because I am feeling in such a weird place about the separation/divorce, and what it means for my future – I am hoping some of you can relate.

We decided in December that we would be separating this year, after being together for 12 years, married for 7. Things have not been great for the last 4 or 5 years – it’s strange writing that down and realising how long it’s been. We have been carrying on as ‘normal’ since December because my DD has big school exams this year, so we decided not to tell people (including DD) and make it official until after that. So now, as exams come to a close, it’s looming… In a few weeks, everything will change and it’s a bit terrifying.

I am 54, I don’t earn a lot, and I think it’s quite likely that I will be single for the rest of my life. In some ways I’m OK with that – the selfishness and entitlement of men is a big part of the reason why I find myself in this position. But the reality of being alone forever feels horribly lonely, particularly in these later years of my life when some laughter, companionship and support would be so welcome. I have my wonderful DD, for which I am eternally grateful, but she is at a stage in her life where she is preparing to launch herself into her own adulthood and freedom, and I have no intention of cramping her style. I myself grew up in a very dysfunctional family, both my parents are now dead and I am not close to my siblings, who live thousands of miles away. I struggle with poor self-esteem, which means I don’t have many close friends, and find group situations quite anxiety-inducing – I am a part of a couple of local groups and I do enjoy them but I am constantly scared inside of doing or saying something odd. But if you met me randomly, I would seem perfectly ‘normal’ and probably quite confident – I’m nicely turned out, bright, funny. Everyone thinks of me as a strong, independent woman, which I am in many ways – if there is one thing my life has given me, it’s resilience. I’m a caring friend and a good listener. I’m great at considering the needs of others and trying to make sure everyone is OK.

I guess what I am wondering is how to cope with the huge sense of impending loss – I will lose my marriage, my much-loved home, my garden; next year my DD will head off to uni; and there’s a strong chance that I will be made redundant early next year. My mum only died in December (3 weeks after we decided to divorce) and I am still dealing with that complicated set of emotions. I don’t ever want to be ‘that’ friend, who is full of doom and gloom, so I tend to hide myself away and not reach out very often. I did have a long-term therapist, but I simply can’t afford it anymore. Every time I see or read anything pertaining to loneliness, I just see my future and it’s killing me. Do others on here feel like this? What are you doing to keep yourselves going? Sorry this is a bit long – it all just goes around and around inside my head, so I thought I would reach out. Thanks for reading.

@ithinkicanithinkican - I am so sorry you are feeling this way, and I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mum, that's so, so difficult without all the other separation stresses going on.

I think I understand how you are feeling, at least to some extent. My situation is almost identical, the only difference is that I am a few years younger, and I don't have any children. I can't see any way that I will have another relationship now. My STBXH was a wonderful man for 20+ years until he started becoming controlling to the extreme. I don't know how I could trust that it wouldn't happen again. So, like you, I look at the future, and the second half of my life as being alone. Also like you I don't want to burden my friends much more than I already have, I have a fear of "wearing them out".

The feeling of loss is immense isn't it? I am afraid that I don't have any answers. When I read about life after divorce, the advice seems to be to build a new independent life, with lots of friends and hobbies. That feels so bleak so me. What I miss more than anything is someone to share those small things with, to laugh at silly jokes on the radio, to have company. I can't see that ever being in my life again, and it makes me so sad.

I have decided the only way to find my way through is to accept that my life is not going to be what I thought it would be and try not to think too far ahead. I am just going to trust that in a few years life will somehow have worked out and I will be comfortable on my own.

This is probably not much help, but I can at least empathise.

I relate and very much feel this way too. I am 34 but somehow it all just feels broken.

I’m 36 and feel like this too. I can’t see how I can ever trust anyone else enough to eat them in x

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat. 💛

@CleanShirt I hope that therapy yesterday was a bit of a release and a chance for your brain to process things, and piece together the jigsaw. Although the conclusions you have drawn are shocking and hard to read. I will never understand how people can behave towards each other, especially how men can behave towards the women they supposedly were in love with/cared for. It leaves me speechless. I am so sorry this is your reality right now and I hope you have the love and support of friends and family around you x

Thank you @needtocomeoutofdenial. It was like someone else saying those things, my brain definitely went into self preservation mode (or I just didn't want to acknowledge it was happening!). The fact his family have never spoken to me since he left and gave welcomed her with open arms says a lot.

When he left he said he'd gone back on his decision to remain child free and wanted children, so I'm guessing the next blow will be she's pregnant (if she's not already). Hopefully that will be the last bit of pain he'll cause me!

When the house has sold (hopefully!) next month I'll never have to speak to him again.

Oh god @CleanShirt I honestly hope that thought does not come true. That is actually something I said to my ex the other week after he told me he was with someone new (from work, much younger) “don’t get her pregnant”. Part of the reason we broke up is I wanted a sibling for our daughter and he didn’t. I am not sure how I’d cope if he got the new woman pregnant.

Again I am so sorry you are facing and experiencing all this. Keep wading through the quicksand bit by bit, as sh*t as this all is, the only way is up now surely.

Thank you @needtocomeoutofdenial. Back to baby steps again but I know that's the right thing to do. Sending you lots of love too x

@ithinkicanithinkican I haven’t been back on here for several months now but have kept on eye on the thread on and off. I was so utterly taken with / moved by your post that I couldn’t get it out of my mind and felt compelled to respond.

Pretty much everything you said, so poignantly & articulately, I can completely relate to. The feeling of loss of your husband, home, garden etc. The low self esteem that stops me wanting to mix with others too much (even my friends to a degree), many who know me would be unaware of this - as you say, I probably come across as very ‘normal’ and even chatty in some situations, but deep down I feel like I’m not in any way good enough, likeable enough, interesting enough etc etc. Just like you say, I’m someone who is well turned out, reasonably attractive in my younger years, & gives the impression of being strong and independent. Also like you, I’m not super close to my family.

I’m 57, also don’t earn a huge amount (although due to my own Mums death & the divorce I have been able to buy a flat). I differ from you in that I have no children, but in feeling absolutely that I’ll be single for the last half of my life, again I can relate. I separated over a year ago, divorced in November, but was stuck living in the marital home (which actually quite quickly became his home) until February this year. All while he was seeing his new person, the one he lied & cheated with. The situation took me to the lowest depths of my life.

A year and a bit on, I am slowly moving on and have moments of contentment, but things still feel quite fresh & raw at times. The fact that I have to look back on 18 years together knowing that for nearly half of that he possibly wanted out, is heartbreaking and something I don’t think I’ll ever come to terms with.

I wish I knew someone like you in real life - despite knowing that sadly so many women (and men) go through this process, I do feel very alone. But it IS true that we really don’t know what’s around the corner. If there is one thing that I would say to you it would be that. 99.9% of me thinks I will remain alone for the rest of my life and in some ways I’m okay with that, although it also makes me a little sad too. BUT we just don’t know what can appear into our lives unexpectedly, and part of me takes comfort in that.
@Itisallgoingtobeok @JamSandle @Broken12 also all feeling a similar way - broken is a good description, as is damaged. But we will all climb out of the depths, bit by bit, as long as it takes.

Lordy, I’ve just realised how long this post is! Sorry! 😏

@AloneAgain2023 im so sorry you’re in the same situation.

I guess somehow we all need to find that ‘F you, you’re not destroying the rest of my life’ attitude but it’s knowing how to. I really don’t want him controlling the rest of my life so we need to find that strength but how the hell do we when we’re so broken!

Hello - thanks very much for your replies @AloneAgain2023 @Itisallgoingtobeok. Although it sucks big time that we are experiencing this, I appreciate hearing from you and knowing I'm not alone in these feelings. I went to have a first proper meeting with a solicitor last week, and STBXH and I have agreed our date of separation will officially be 1 July. My DD has their last exam today, so we'll be telling her in the next few weeks. I've been living in a weird kind of limbo for quite a long time now, and although everything finally becoming 'real' is frightening, there's also a certain sense of relief to be ripping off this particular plaster and getting on with the next stage of my life. I read something online recently, written by a woman experiencing big life changes, on the theme of, 'I'm not feeling myself today' - the idea being that you're not feeling yourself because you're morphing into a new and different self. I don't currently know what that self looks like, but there's no avoiding it so I have to face it, and learn to embrace it. 'One foot in front of the other' and 'This too shall pass', are my constant mantras right now. And I've always liked the idea of having, 'You never know what's around the corner,' on my headstone!