A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

@Lorelaigilmore88 hello and welcome. I understand and feel everything you have written. It is heart breaking. I too feel why was I not enough? Why couldn’t we make it work? Why wasn’t it worth him trying for me?

Struggling this morning. Hate crying in front of my DD she doesn’t know why I am sad and I don’t want to say it’s because of daddy as that isn’t fair. I miss him so much. I read that breaking up with someone and not having contact is like coming off heroin, seeing or hearing from them gives you a “hit”. But I don’t know how to navigate this when I have to have contact with him because of DD. I can’t block him out. I get constant “hits” of the drug. I can’t go into withdrawal or come off it. I’ve asked him to come and get the rest of his stuff from the house next week. I need to reclaim my space and my house. And try and make it a place for me and DD, not the home we shared. (Which is so so hard as every room is full of memories). It’s just so so hard to accept that after 8 years he isn’t mine any more. All day long thoughts of the two of them together are on loop in my head, laughing, joking, having sex, I don’t know how to stop it. It is tortuous. I hate feeling so weak. It’s also made me feel that I am repulsive. And so rejected.

I wish I had the answer. I have ordered some of the books recommended (thank you @Iamnotapotato and @harlemriver) and the design your life book.

I don’t know how we start to move forward. And having another woman just seems like rubbing salt viciously into the wounds. “Oh look I’m having a great new life!” It makes me feel sick.

@Lorelaigilmore88 its so tough, many of us has struggled with similar feelings in your situation- seeing your ex move on without a care in the world while you are in the pits of despair and struggling to be all things to your children is very difficult. There’s no easy answer, many men do seem to move on quickly to new relationships and become shinier versions of themselves. I wonder how long it lasts though - it’s easy to be all smiles during the honeymoon period of a relationship but that will wear off and he will be his old self I suspect.

if you can, try to focus on yourself. Easier said than done I know. But small things to look forward to can help - a coffee with a friend, a new book or TV series, a nice outing with the kids. Whatever works for you. I have finally unfollowed my ex on social media which also helps.

Thanks @Ginerous
Its been a mixed day today.
I found out that the new gf that he says he became involved with in November a few weeks after we split, he actually met last summer through work friends.
Whether or not he did cheat, I know him well enough to know that his head was definitely turned and thats why he checked out of family life.
The pain is excruciating. I feel rejected and abandoned. I hate to have a pity party because I fancy myself as strong, but the pain of someone falling out of love with you is immense. Why wasnt I good enough? I gave birth to his two gorgeous children (who he claims to love but hasnt seen for 6 weeks, his choice).
In my heart I know he will be presenting the best version of himself to her and she'll be thinking he's wonderful. I don't think he will keep it up, he's narcissistic and selfish. I tolerated a lot in our marriage, so in some ways if she wants to tolerate that, good luck to her. But the pain of rejection is crushing. I keep thinking about how in love we were in the early days. Why did he fall out of love with me? I find the evenings to be the worst, the kids are in bed and I feel lonely in my house, over thinking things and looking at the side of the settee he used to sit. Sorry to be depressing, i feel despondent but i don't feel like i can keep boring my friends.

Oh @Lorelaigilmore88 that’s hideous. The fact there could potentially be any kind of overlap is so excruciatingly painful. And I am finding it’s the “what ifs” and scenarios I have in my head that are on a constant loop and tortious.
I wish I had the answer for us and how we move on. I am mid way through the book How to Heal A Broken Heart by Rosie Green. There is some comfort in reading about how others have coped with this situation and found their way through the pain and various stages of recovery (shock, denial, fear, anger, depression, detach, acceptance). I have also started to listen to the podcast “motherhood: not as we planned” by two mothers whose marriages ended. I don’t know if you feel like reading/listening, but I have found it helpful in the last day or so to switch off my constant destructive thoughts of my ex and his new woman.
I too feel rejected, abandoned, worthless and unloveable. I also feel weak. I too hate all of these feelings as in every other part of my life I am an independent strong woman.
My only hope now is that the more emotion we let out; the more we are processing and starting to inch along the recovery tunnel towards the light 🤞xx

This thread is a life line. I’m in the process of getting divorced. Kids don’t know yet. We are all still living together. That isn’t the hard part - I know that getting divorced is 100% the right thing to do as he was emotionally abusive for many years, with the final straw being him trying to sabotage my job out of jealousy (which I find tremendously odd as it isn’t as if I’m a high flying exec or anything). Anyway what is hard is the idea of having to split childcare 50/50. My kids are 14 and 16, time with them already feels precious. I’m worried they will hate me or he will be all fun dad (he already tells them he thinks the “rules” I have are unfair eg no phones in bedroom overnight or load the dishwasher on a Sunday, as if I am some kind of ogre which I’m really not), so I know he will have zero boundaries when they are with him. Im so angry that the years and years that I gladly spent looking after him and the kids count for nothing in his eyes and that now all the hard work is done (his words), it’s a chance to start afresh (again his words). I feel like I’m being left with nothing, that I was used and now discarded. I can’t sleep properly and just want to go into a forest and scream and cry where no one can see me. I don’t know exactly what I’m asking here, other than maybe if you have teenage kids what is the divorce and childcare stuff like (and I guess I probably only want to hear nice stories as I don’t think I can cope with any traumatic ones, sorry)

Hi @LoisLanyard I too worry about the childcare element most. My daughter is under 5, so a lot younger than your two, so we are still having to navigate nursey drop offs and pick ups etc. But I guess in some ways easier as we didn't have to explain to her what was happening.

Are you able to discuss with your STBXH how you will tell the children, and perhaps agree what the childcare arrangements will be like, at least for the initial stages? E.g. will he have them every other weekend? More/less? Is 50/50 what you have both agreed? Given they are 14 and 16, they may soon make their own decisions about where they would like to be (e.g. out with friends) so it may need to be a fluid arrangement. I think we all fear that the non-default parent will end up being the "fun" one, as they can swoop in and out for a few nights and go on day trips etc whilst we are the constant person who is running the house, shopping, meals etc. It isn't fair - but you have provided them with that security, the support and love, and that won't change. I am sure they won't hate you, although I can understand the worry of telling them and things being different. It is always better for parents to be apart and happy than together in an unhappy home. However hard the uncoupling/detaching process is. My parents split up when I was 12, and I never wanted them to get back together - I could see that it wasn't working for them.

I am not sure where you live - but is there a place nearby you can go and cry and scream? Even drive somewhere in your car and let things out? Sometimes a release of emotion is what is needed. I am sorry if I am making little sense - I too am not sleeping well and my stomach is in constant knots.

Hi all, and welcome to the new posters. Hope everyone is ok.

I've now moved out of "our" home as it gets closer to completion date. Have had to have some admin-y contact with him which has been so difficult.

I moved in to a friends house a couple of weeks ago while I try to buy a flat and found it harder than I expected. I miss my house and my poor cat is so sad and scared. I know it's not forever but it's hard.

Strangely, I've been dreaming about him and the situation since I moved out - my brain was obviously protecting me while he's still in the house. In my dreams he / other confirms that he is with the 25 year old girl from work and that she's pregnant - I wonder if it's going to turn out that I'm psychic!

Hope everyone is ok, keep hanging in there x

You make perfect sense, thank you @needtocomeoutofdenial . We are at the beginning of the road to agreeing how the coparenting will work and are starting from a basis of 50/50. Maybe I’ll go for a long run or something to get this anger out!

Hello everyone and happy Friday. It is beautifully sunny where I am. I’ve been signed off work this week, but have felt quite productive - I’ve cleared the house of the rest of his belongings. I asked him to collect them and then leave his house key, whilst I was out.
It was painful coming home to the belongings gone and his house key on the hallway table; but I have to try and reclaim the house as my space for me and my DD.
I have sobbed and cried so much since he told me he is with another woman.
i have tried to lean on friends, write things down, read books, listen to podcasts.
I have started to think in my head of my ex as two versions of himself, X1 that was my partner and X2 who broke up with me and is cruel and unkind. I have started to say to myself “X1 is dead, X2 is a c**t” I am trying to come to terms with the fact that my ex is no longer the person he was.
I did have a small moment of ease/relief today. The sun was shining, me and my DD were in the garden playing. I thought to myself how nice it was to not have someone there to bring the mood down, to be grumpy or unhappy, to reject my offers of affection or to make an excuse why he didn’t want to come on a family day out.
instead there was just me and my DD, having fun.
it was a fleeting moment, a brief chink of light through the clouds, but it gave me some hope.

That sounds like a tough day but one that you have managed to find that moment of happiness. I guess that is all we can do at this moment! I switch between immense sadness, confusion, anger, relief and frustration. My ExH is very good at making me feel like I’m a terrible person - he is an expert gaslighter which took me years to realise. But I still have real moments of worrying that I’m this angry, nasty person that he tells me I am. Anyway, i have to try to remind myself that I’m not. I’ll take your lead and look for the chunks of light!

@LoisLanyard you’re not a nasty angry person. And it isn’t all your fault. Just like it isn’t all mine either. I’m not saying I was a saint, I wasn’t - and I know that I didn’t always say/do things in the nicest way. But at my core I am a kind, nice person who loved him intensely. Look for the chinks of light, or the glimmers in the days ahead and hold onto them. I’m finding this evening hard as my DD is now in bed and my thoughts are starting to roam. But tomorrow is a new day and another one for me to try to move forward. One tricky thing I have on the to-do list is to work out when my ex will have my DD. He works a shift pattern which is different each week so it is tricky to work through. But ideally I want as few contact points as possible.

Any words of support this evening would be really welcome. My ex came to collect my daughter this evening - haven't seen him for a week. My stomach was in knots waiting for him to arrive - felt sick, worried, anxious. Knew I needed to be strong and neutral, but as suspected burst into tears as soon as I saw him. It was the first collection from the doorstep, as I asked him to leave his key this week (after telling me he was seeing another woman from work). I feel so weak, so sad, so heart broken. It was sunny and he looked so handsome and carefree, like when we first met. And it has made me feel like I was the reason he was so unhappy and dissatisfied, that it was me and the relationship that were pulling him downwards. The pain has bubbled up again and left me feeling bereft again. I know I need to move on - he left 9 months ago - but it is so painful and I don't know how to.

i am still living with my ExH so I can only imagine how hard the doorstep collection was today @needtocomeoutofdenial . It is understandable that you feel upset, especially if it seems like he has already moved on. But I know for sure that this isn’t all on you and you weren’t pulling him down.
can you doing something nice this evening - watch something soothing on TV, call a friend or go for a walk?

Thank you @LoisLanyard - I messaged a friend who then rang me and spoke to me through the sobs. I know that this heartbreak comes in waves, but my gosh, when they hit at the moment I am completely and utterly floored. The pain is so intense and I wonder how I will cope. I think the thing that pushed me over the edge today was that he showed me kindness - after months of avoiding eye contact, not saying hello, or giving any regard for me and my feelings. But today he asked me how I was and tried to reassure me that things would be ok. Which was more of a headf**k. I think he is feeling guilty as telling me about him seeing the woman from work has knocked me over and I have been off work for a week. I am honestly so low that any scraps of kindness I am grateful for. I don't want to be this way - I don't want to give him this power - but it is so hard when my emotions are so strong. I wish I wasn't in this house that we shared and renovated and built together. But on the flip side it is my daughter's home, and the only constant thing for her at the moment.

It must be very hard to be living with your ExH @LoisLanyard - how are you? I hope that you are able to interact ok with each other. So difficult to be under the same roof, especially with your teenage children.

Thank you for messaging.

The struggle for me over 12 months down the line from separation and over 6 months since leaving the fmh and almost at the end of the divorce journey is DS12. He's completely rejected me and the 50/50 custody is breaking down to the degree I feel I have lost a child. Behaviour today ended with him disappearing to the degree police were called. He turned up at his Dad's just before 9pm. I am broken.

Hi @needtocomeoutofdenial how have you been doing these last few days?
I have been a lot better this week and have been feeling much more positive. I started on sertraline about 6 days ago so its possibly that, but they did say that should take 6 weeks to fully take effect.
I am feeling much more optimistic. Every time I catch myself missing him or wistfully thinking about the old days i push myself to remember how bad he got towards the end and the behaviour I was tolerating. I still get occasionally choked up thinking about him and new gf setting up home together, occasional intrusive images of them being loving, having sex etc flash through my head but they are rare and I am getting better at reminding myself of all the crap she will now have to tolerate. I havent seen him for 5 weeks and he hasnt seen his children. I am dreading seeing him again because I feel my strength has been helped by his total absence, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
One more positive is that I lost a lot of weight. when it first happened I just didnt eat, I am back to eating healthily but have capitalised on initial loss and am now over 1.5 stone down. I did need to lose weight so that's making me feel great.
I hope you've been okay these last few days. We will get there xxx

My therapist told me something last night that I'm already finding helpful and thought I'd share...

Any memories you have post separation that are happy and don't involve him / her, think of them in glorious technicolour. Any memories that involve your ex, think of them in sepia tones and eventually black and white. I've forced myself to do that a couple of times today and it's strangely helpful.

@halfmyface i am so sorry to hear about your 12 year old son. I am so relieved that he turned up safely. 12 is such a hard age in general isn’t it, on the cusp of becoming a teenager and often want independence but are still too young to be left on their own. I can only imagine how difficult him rejecting you is. It sounds like the situation is very hard for him. Is it possible for the childcare arrangements to be a little fluid/flexible for a while to allow his feelings to be heard? I know when my parents separated my younger brother would often want to be more with my dad whilst I would favour being with my mum. It ebbed and flowed - but it helped when we were given some autonomy to make our own choices where to go. Have you tried speaking to him about it to understand why he is feeling as he is? Sending you love x

@Lorelaigilmore88 I am so so pleased to read your message and hear you’re feeling brighter and more positive. That’s amazing. Well done starting on the sertraline, yes it can take a few weeks to kick in but sometimes I feel that the act of taking it can provide some relief (even as a placebo effect). I have upped my anti-depressant dose as of yesterday.

I’m so pleased that your intrusive thoughts have reduced and are not as frequent. I too am still having the thoughts of them together, laughing, having sex, but it is not as constant and unending as it first was a week or so ago. And the anxiety in my stomach has eased for the most part.

I have been signed off work for a further two weeks. I’ve tried to continue to be productive - sorting bits of the house out. He collected his things on Thursday, there is one more load of things he needs to get from the back garden.

I also want to believe that his new woman (the much younger work colleague) will need to deal with him and his behaviour - his general inability to commit, never wanted to get married, no more kids, didn’t want to ever go on holiday or for a weekend away, didn’t want date nights, lack of affection. My fear is that he will be a shiny new specimen for her and I am left in the sh*t at home. I guess only time will tell.

I completely agree that not seeing your ex will have helped you @Lorelaigilmore88 but 5 weeks is such a huge length of time for him to not see his children. Shame on him. That is really shitty behaviour and your kids deserve better. Thank goodness they have you. Congrats on the weight loss too, one silver lining to this crappy time. xx

@CleanShirt that is a good tip and one I will start to try and do too. It is hard, but perhaps once I start practising it will become easier.

Hey guys - me again. Just a quick one to say that I have bought a copy of “how to heal a broken heart” by Paul McKenna (I know - the hypnotist from the early 00’s what a throwback). But actually it’s pretty good, practical exercises to work through to help pass through/minimise the heartache and heartbreak. So I would recommend if you are looking for something - it’s the best book I have read so far (and this is the 4th one I have powered through in the last few weeks).

Hope everyone is ok.

Hi all

im so sorry that you all have to be in this group. I’m in the early stages of separation (still living together) and im dreading the day I have to have my first night without my children. They are only 1&4 and have only had a handful of nights away from me. Due to his work they are used to him being away/back once they’re in bed. My heart breaks for not only myself but for how they are going to cope. I keep imagining them crying for me and not understanding why I’m not there for them x

Anyone around for a bit of a handhold?

Learnt tonight that my suspicions about stbxh and OW weren't wrong. In a little spiral.

I’m so sorry. Has he admitted it or you’ve found out?

I've found out. He's been lying through his teeth since he left me 5 months ago.