A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

If this is useful to anyone, I highly recommend Heartbreak to Happiness. It's £30 a month for up to 8 zoom groups a week, run by divorce coaches and solicitors. I've met some amazing women and men on there in various stages of divorce and got some great advice and support. It's become a bit of a lifeline for me!

@Belichtofalicht ,@SoRainbowRhythms and everyone else you may be interested in this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script?page=1 it talks about ‘the script’ that so many men seem to follow.

Thanks @Iamnotapotato. Not my first rodeo with that thread!

@Belichtofalicht are we married to the same man? So many stories on here like this! Is it just one bigamist man we are all married to? No wonder he is having a mid life crisis!

I have been a long term reader of this thread and the one before it but only posted once before under a different name.

I am so sorry for all you lovely ladies going through this it is an utter pile of pooh. You all sound wonderful, clever, caring and lovely people. And yet we are all facing these lies and blame from our husband.

Mine was abusive for years emotionally. Think boiling frog and the love bombing start. Silent treatment, controlling all the above you ladies have mentioned. He turned to the discard phase last February and we have separated but due to me being on his Visa and the house through his work we have had to stay living together. He acts like he cannot bare to be any where near me.

But I am so much happier hardly seeing him now. He avoids me as much as possible. I will return to my home country soon with the kids. It will be hard as we will have to live with my family for a bit. But truthfully now I am happy to just not have his voice in my ear. I was very sad before last year there were many tears. But it was more for an illusion not for the reality.

Not sure what my future will look like but then is anyone. But I agree with many of you I will never remarry. Unless he is a multi billionaire who signs a prenup to give me half his money on any separation🤣🤣🤣

Ladies stay strong, look after yourselves and good riddance to bad rubbish with these guys.

Hi @Vaz66 sorry this has happened to your DD. As a parent it must feel terrible seeing them go through this. I’m nearly 6 months on (left for someone else with a then 2.5yr old child and mortgage. He also turned very cold to begin with).
The early days are horrendous and you don’t think you’ll get through it. To my shame I wasn’t the easiest person for my mum to be around but my parents stuck with me and gave me all the support I needed. They repeated that their home was still my home, always welcome, will be there whenever I needed them etc and I credit them for getting me through it as well as some really loyal friends.
In terms of the council tax they back dated it to the day he left so the new year bill will be reduced and I’m also eligible for the single person discount.
The mortgage is yet to be sorted but I would advise your DD to take her time. Not rush in to anything. Keep calm and try not to react. I could tell he wanted me to be awful with him so that he could justify his behaviour and relieve his guilt.
I also encouraged a good relationship between my child and ex (for the sake of my child).
The shininess of the new relationship has worn off and ended. He now appears very sad and regretful. Whereas I can honestly say I’m starting to like my new single life. These stories don’t help to begin with but there will be light soon for your DD.

Struggling tonight ladies.

The house is going on my market this week and, true to form, I'm taking on the mental load on top of an exam I have this week. Feel like I have nobody to ask to help. I thought I'd be happy about getting the house on the market but it's knocked and upset me.

I went into the garage (detached from house at the end of the garden) today for the first time in a while. Never liked going in there as it's his space but needed to put suitcases in there and tidy up a bit before photos.

He's been here at some point and cleared a lot of his stuff out - probably to furnish his new place he may have with OW (not confirmed). Taken all the painting stuff I need to get the house ready. I don't know when he was here, and if I was here at the same time. It's made me weep like I wept in the beginning. Strange one.

@SoRainbowRhythms big hug to you. I think it is normal to feel nostalgic when clearing out our shared homes. I totally get how you feel. I need to start clearing and packing our home. I’m not sure how I can start even. I’ve tried to stop buying anything as I know I am going to have to ship it all home.

I look at some of my stuff I will leave behind eg sofas and although they are only cheap Ikea I feel nostalgic that our family home is disappearing. My marriage for a long time was full of emotional abuse and I am happy to be free. However there were good times and there was the early days when we had what I thought were good times.

I guess it must be worse for those who this has come as a shock to. my stbxh has been horrible for about 12 years gradually getting worse so whilst it is a huge upheaval it is also a relief.

Also there is so much uncertainty I am going home so will have my family around but no job, no more private health insurance and so many other things which are really scary. But I tell myself I will survive and at least I will be free.

what an a whole your ex is taking all the paint without asking. Or even thinking about having to get the house ready to sell.

Stay strong and good luck with your house sale.

Placemarking, it's rainbowrhythms after an account debacle!

House is under offer and I am exhausted, feel like my feet haven't touched the ground. Hope everyone is ok x

@CleanShirt it doesn't seem appropriate to say congratulations on the house going under offer, but if you wanted or needed to sell it is good at least that it can happen quickly. It does seem to have moved very quickly indeed though, not surprised you feel exhausted. I hope the sale process goes smoothly.

Holiday weekends are always a bit difficult as they highlight all the changes in pre/post separation. I'm almost a year down the line now - at least, this time last year the writing was on the wall but I was refusing to see it. I was also very unhappy, I guess because subconsciously I did know that things were far from right, even though I wasn't acknowledging it.

So much has changed in that year. I'm now living in a new house, which I absolutely love. I'm slowly starting to make new friends. I even have an interview next month for a new job - a huge opportunity, that if I got it would be truly life changing. I probably won't get it, but I'm ok with that too - it will allow me to enjoy my lovely house for a bit longer! My ex and I have almost no contact, which I still find weird but is becoming more normal. We've almost reached the end of the financial mediation process, which has been tough and isn't a brilliant outcome for me, but at least lets me move on (if it all goes through).

It's definitely not all rosy. I do have money worries, and I am alone almost all the time. Moving alone was tough, and I've had some difficult and sad days. I'm not emotionally 'over' it yet (whatever that would look like) but I'm not thinking about it all the time any more. I still don't understand exactly what happened or why it happened or whether it could have been different, and I still worry that maybe it's all been a huge mistake. But I can put those thoughts to one side a bit now and accept that it is what it is and focus on moving on and building a new life.

It's also very clear that I'm happier than I was this time last year. I've lost weight - without even trying, I expect because I eat when I'm hungry rather than around a daily routine. I bought a pair of size 10 trousers this week for the first time in about ten years (admittedly a Toast size 10 so realistically still a 12, but still!!!) People keep telling me that I look better - younger, lighter, happier. And I feel all of those things too.

I don't mean this to come across like a brag about how well I'm getting on. I know many/most people on this thread are still in the very depths of the trough. But I wanted to say that it really does get easier, and that it might not take very long for that to start becoming apparent. Day by day, a new life starts to take shape and it might be much happier than the old one.

Wishing everyone a happy Easter and a peaceful bank holiday weekend.

@harlemriver if you'd have told me 4 months ago this would be happening I would have laughed. It all still feels very surreal. Waiting for any sort of joy or excitement, it's all necessity right now.

I'm so pleased to hear you're doing well! X

Glad that you are doing well @harlemriver. It’s been quiet on here recently which I hope is a good sign that everyone is slowly moving forward.

I’m having a bit of an emotional week, probably not helped by the fact that it would be our 17th wedding anniversary tomorrow and my stbxh being loved up with the woman who I firmly believe to be the catalyst for the end of our marriage.

Anyone got any ideas on how to move past the bitterness I feel towards my ex and the feelings of rejection? I’m trying to put positive spins on stuff but have spent a good deal of this week feeling sorry for myself and have had a good few crying sessions.

@Iamnotapotato anniversaries are inevitably difficult so I think the first bit of advice is not to be hard on yourself for feeling very natural feelings - some bitterness is understandable. But I also totally understand wanting to move past that and not get trapped in it. For me it is regret that I struggle with most. Some of the things I do are:

• counselling session, which I can only afford to do on an ad hoc basis, maybe once a month or a bit less frequently but really help when I do

-journalling - lots and lots of journalling -focusing on gratitude and looking for positives -visualisation - there are lots of these on spotify, e.g. future life visualisation. -affirmations - I read the Louise Hay book 'You can heal your heart' quite early on in my separation and it actually helped a lot. I should say that I was not remotely into any of this stuff before the split! -get outside, take the dogs for a walk (or sit inside bingewatching netflix and petting the dogs, which I have also done a lot of) -talk to someone, either about your feelings or deliberately about anything but. (I've found that the most useful conversations are with people who have been through divorce themselves - often other people don't get how challenging it all is). -anything else that you know makes you feel better even if it feels like the initial effort is too much - a swim and sauna; gym class; running if that's your thing. -music - make a playlist of upbeat stuff, music you love. I made a divorce playlist full of divorce anthems and listened to it in the car - there's a whole genre of divorce rage music once you look for it! -doing whatever you can not to dwell on the enraging and embittering aspects and just focus on making your own life as happy as you can. I was thinking about the phrase "please yourself" the other day - basically I am trying to configure my daily life as much as possible to please myself. It can still be lonely and confusing and sad but it's harder to be bitter and unhappy when every aspect of your routine has something in it that you enjoy and look forward to. But this probably depends on how happy you were in your relationship. I've realised since my separation that in a whole myriad of small and big ways I was compromising my own preferences to what my ex preferred- whether it was the temperature of the heating or the way we spent our weekends or the time of day that the dogs got walked. Now I only have to please myself (!) I get a lot of enjoyment out of doing things exactly the way that I want with no negotiation or compromise or irritation at someone else's preferences.

Maybe some ideas there will help. Hope you do something nice this weekend to take your mind off it.

I’m in this situation…

things haven’t been great and my partner has constantly reminded me of this for 2 years but he can’t afford to move out - so he’s still with me. We had a row and instead of feeling sorry for him
I changed my tune and said “you’ve been unhappy for 2 years ! Why haven’t you saved up to move out ?!” His response was “don’t wind me up”

what’s your thoughts ?

Hi All. I stumbled across this thread.
I'm 5 months in post separation. Not started divorce proceedings yet, just haven't had the head-space to do it. ExDh says he's not bothered about divorce.
My little story is we were together 19yrs married for 10. 2xDs. We had been home 12days from a once in a lifetime holiday and he told me he loved me wasn't but wasn't in love with me anymore. Another 6 weeks or so followed of us trying to work things out before he finally left in November. At the end of February he told me he was seeing somebody at work. Said the relationship only started at the beginning of Feb but I don't think it's true. They're going on holiday in May, he's met at least one of her children and he's going away with her family in December.
I've been having counselling since the end of January and Gp prescribed me sleeping tablets.
I have to admit I'm starting to feel better. I've got a good support system. I've booked a couple of weekends away for me and children.
I've started to realise he has faults and flaws and now he's her problem.

Hi all. Taken a few steps back lately.

Moved out of "our" home on Sunday. A lovely friend has kindly put me and the cat up, but surrounded by suitcases and boxes and a very scared cat is really upsetting me.

I hate that he's done this to my life without a backwards glance.

Bless you @CleanShirt I'm so sorry. It all feels so unfair, doesn't it? But you've taken the first step towards a hopefully better life in the future. I filed for divorce this week. It's taken me a year to get around to it, and I just feel so so sad that it's come to this. Getting our lovely family home valued is next on the list of things I never wanted to do. Onwards and upwards to all of us thrust into this dire situation. Big hugs. X

These posts have really helped.

Reading your post about leaving your husband and your children not being really affected has helped me. I’ve been married 10 years have two young children. I’m desperately struggling to reignite the spark with my husband and I do want that for my future I want complete happiness.

We have both made mistakes which we both know about since then I just can’t find that happiness again. Feel like I’m trapped I don’t want to break anyone’s heart but feel like I’m only hurting myself.

Most days I feel sick most days I actually feel sick with my thoughts.

How will I ever know what to do and when to do it.

Was the decision to leave mutual? Is that why your ex has been there daily for the children?

Hey everyone, I haven’t posted for some time. Back story is that my ex partner quit the relationship at the end of July 2023. Took me by surprise and he left me and my two year old at home. 9 months on I have been coping (somewhat) with the co-parenting and multiple a week interactions at pick up/drop off. I remained in denial in a way, the interactions became functional. I was relieved to no longer be fighting and also that I could have the house to myself. But I had not processed the loss of the 7.5/8 yr relationship one bit. I was surviving, clinging on by a thread. My future was shattered. I was left in a house in which every room he has renovated and has memories.
Well last night he text me to say he’s started seeing someone from work. Stereotypically 13 yrs younger (he’s 47). Hit me like a sledge hammer. Barely slept, howled in the shower this morning and then tried to cope today looking after my now 3 year old.
like everyone else going through this I am so shattered by it all, and the fact he is moving on and having sex with some new person and I am left completely bereft and struggling to keep being a mum and working and processing all of this. It is complete and utter shit. And the worst thing is that despite all of this if he turned around and wanted to give it another go I would probably say yes. Despite all of this behaviour. Because my love for him is so deep. And it makes me feel so disempowered and pathetic to say that. Please - if you have read any good books on divorce/separation/breakups please let me know. Am struggling x

Oh @needtocomeoutofdenial sending massive hugs your way.

I think no matter how well we’re coping when we hear that the person we thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives with is in a new relationship it’s a massive blow. It’s so painful to think about them moving on.

Although my ex only moved out last September realistically I suppose I knew the marriage was over about 18 months before that but desperately tried to make things work. It’s only recently that I’ve started to think less about him and although like your ex he also has a younger girlfriend, thinking about them together doesn’t hurt quite as much as it did.

Recovering from this heartbreak takes time - don’t beat yourself up about it and allow yourself the tears. I think the only way to get through it is to feel all the feelings, but it is awful.

Books wise I can really recommend Rosie Green’s How to Heal a Broken Heart. For me it was very relatable.

Thank you so much @Iamnotapotato I will have a look at that book. What I am finding so hard (and frustrating) is that my brain knows it is over and he is gone forever but my heart keeps whispering “maybe he’ll come back, I think he still does love you”. I am completely stuck. In other aspects of my life I think I am a bright intelligent person, I have a good job and am financially independent. But this break-up has seemed to just set me on pause. I neither move forward or back. I just exist in this limbo with the hope things might change and he’ll come back. It makes me feel so weak and worthless and I know that I am not. I just am struggling to know how to move forward.

I am sorry @Iamnotapotato that you are going through it too. If I am realistic, although he called time at end of July 2023 the last 6 months or so were quite bleak, and he says he was unhappy for a long time. I was just in the throws of caring for our toddler daughter that I didn’t see it maybe. I am pleased that things seem less painful for you when you think about your ex and his new gf together.

I need to find my fire and my strength.

I'm so sorry that you've found out about this and have been struggling @needtocomeoutofdenial . It's a huge blow and of course you will feel set back by it. I don't know if there is a short cut to feeling better - it takes as long as it takes. Be gentle with yourself. You have done so so so well in managing this far, parenting your child alone, managing to interact with your ex. You are stronger than you realise and you will get through this.

I've mentioned lots of the books etc that have helped me on this thread already. The book Runaway Husbands and the blog Chump Lady helped me see 'the script' of men who leave and to give me some of the tools & understanding that I needed to start to move forward rather than look back. Focusing on my own self-esteem and addressing anxiety helped me find my strength. I found hypnotherapy very useful, also regular therapy. I also very consciously focused on 'letting go' of the relationship - I had certain phrases/affirmations that I repeated a lot in the first weeks/months to help with that. I did a lot of meditations and visualisations (just from spotify). I read/ did a 'design your life' workbook to think about what I wanted the next phase of my life to look like. All of those things helped me focus on myself and focus on the future, and I think that's key to moving forward.

One of the big things I have had to come to terms with was that my relationship wasn't really what I thought it had been and that I'd been settling for very little for a very long time. Coming to terms with that has been difficult -I'm maybe only just starting to get there now - but is the one thing that has got me past the "pull" or compulsion to go back that you describe. Even just a couple of months ago I still felt just as you are saying, that if my ex had tried to reconcile then I would very likely have gone back (at least, I would have wanted to / found it very hard not to). Now, I'm at a different stage. Like @Iamnotapotato says, I am not thinking about him so much at all. It's still weird and strange and difficult to be on my own but I can see more clearly that getting back together would be a huge step backwards.

I think it will just take time. In the meantime, go easy on yourself. Instead of thinking that you should have "moved on" already, recognise just how much you have dealt with and how much you have achieved since this happened. Just keeping going is a huge achievement in itself. It will take a bit of time but I'm quite sure that one day you will come to see that your ex really isn't such a catch after all and that tough as it is to be on your own, it is better than being with someone that's not worthy of you. Good luck.

@needtocomeoutofdenial it’ll hurt, but just have at the back of your mind that you know she’s getting your sloppy seconds. It’s hard, it’s really hard but you’ve got this.

@harlemriver may I ask what the design your life book you mentioned was? I'm about a year in and whilst the pain is still very raw I am not as emotional about it as I was. I am still struggling to see the future and I think this might help.

Hugs to all.

Hi @Itisallgoingtobeok the one I used is called 'design the life you love ', it's got a red cover. I just looked it up on Amazon and it's got 50% off at the moment 😀doing the book alone wasn't exactly transformative but it did help me clarify what my priorities are just now and what i wanted to have in my life. And that's helped me recognise what I need to do, like moving house. Its still very much a work in progress but I do feel like I'm working towards something now.

Morning everyone. First post here, but i have read through everything and it has been such a lifeline.
I am really struggling a lot today. DH and I seperated in October after 10 years of marriage and 2 young DC. He met someone else very quickly and moved in with her 2 weeks ago.
What I am struggling with recently is the over whelming feelings of anger that he walked out and caused chaos and heartbreak and now has such a happy life.
When he was with me he was secretive, moody, couldn't hold down a job, running up debt, didn't bother with his kids.

But with the new gf he seems to be the perfect partner, new job, new car, nice new flat. Why couldn't he get his act together when he was with me? Is that a failing on my part? Why didn't I bring out the best in him? I wanted him to be responsible, save money, have a steady career, I wanted all of these things for me and our children and I supported him. It hurts to be replaced so easily and it especially hurts to see all of this.

I know someone much more grown up than me will say I should want him to be happy, but its hard when you are left picking up the pieces from the destruction (kids, finances) and I'm the only one in this divorce struggling.