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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

poor relationship with adult son

221 replies

Notsossuperdad · 07/07/2023 09:00

I would appreciate some advice as to what to do about the estranged relationship with my adult son. He is 25 years of age.

Four years ago I left his Mum, my wife of 28 years, for my now wife of 2 years. We had a six month affair which I am not proud of. My affair shocked everyone including myself my exwife and my son. He was in his last year of university when I left. I purposely waiting until then to leave to protect him from witnessing it.

From the moment he knew about the affair he has refused to talk to me other than when I first left and that was to tell me how disgusting I am to treat any woman let alone his mother with such disrespect and our family like old furniture to throw on the bonfire. At first I was angry. at his reaction and betrayal. I was so happy in my new relationship that I could not imagine he would not come round and reallythought he would so stood my ground. I had stayed in a marriage where felt unappreciated for years and felt this was my time now after sacrificing staying for him. I tried to tell him that but he accused me of blaming him for not being man enough to try and sort things out or leave in a decent way. My exwife also refused to speak to me other than on the unavoidable logistics needed to separate a life of 30 years. That left me heartbroken. I know that sounds a ridiculous thing to say but I really dont think I realised that deep down I still loved her deeply. She was my childhood sweetheart and I still remember the first time I saw her. I could never have feelings that profound for anyone else and we have a bond that can never be broken or replaced. I have only just come to that realisation after 2 years of therapy. I should of spoken up sooner and tried to change things but I was too distracted by having something new and exciting and a person that made me feel special. I see now through therapy that validation is a key need for me. Instead I let that upset turn to anger and we entered the usual vicious divorce battle.

My now wife treats me how I wanted my exwife to. She is affectionate and shows every day that she appreciates me and is always making an effort. I lam trying to be to her what I should have been to my exwife. Maybe if I had been different to her we would still be together and I do not want another divorce.

As to my son I have tried to reach out by sending cards and the odd text. At first he would reply to my texts to tell me to respect his decision and leave him alone and he will contact me if he changes his mind. Now he just point blank ignores them. I am so upset by his continued rejection I find it hard to carry on. I do not know what is going on in his life which is so difficult. I reached out recently to my exwife a few months ago for help. She was actually civil and said that she understands my sadness but that this is something he and I need to sort out and whatever I think she has not encouraged him to not speak to me. I believe her I think. At first I thought she was behind him not or at least encouraging it but my brother sees my son still and says its very clear it is his choice. He will not tell me anything as my son has asked him not to and he feels he must respect that. My current wife and her family are not so sure and think my exwife is behind it and that my brother is being disloyal. For a long time I became embroiled in that and almost found comfort in sessions where we would demonise and critique my exwife. Some days I feel ashamed at doing that and have a need to hug her and just say I am sorry. Others I still blame her. I think my exwife and son think I have just ran off without a care in the world. that is so far from the truth.

I would appreciate some advice and especially from those of you that have been left having to support a child that feels let down on what to do next. I do not think my son will ever accept my new life and I would settle for just the two of us having contact. My wife is not happy that he looks down on her so I am always in conflict as if I show too much sympathy for his view it upsets her. To avoid that I do a lot of my grieving privately. She is very clear that she would welcome my son if he wanted to be a part of her life but i think deep down him not being suits her because of his views about her. For me it is not his say what i do. My brother said my son told him he cannot see how my wife and I think it is okay to openly celebrate our relationship and put it on a pedestal even though it has wrecked his and mine. I see his point but what can I do? I generally try and keep things quiet as I am more introvert and I do not want to do anything to make things worse. But my wife is very active on social media and makes lots of posts about our life like our holidays, engagement party, wedding, honeymoon etc. her view is that my son is an adult and needs to either not look or get a grip. I see her point too which makes this very tricky. I feel like I am walking a tightrope.

My wife and i are also trying for a baby. She is a fair bit younger than me and understandably wants a child. I fear that if I cannot build sone form of bridge with my son before that happens it will definitely never be repaired so am keen to try and do so as soon as possible.

OP posts:
Annaishere · 07/07/2023 19:35

Brintons · 07/07/2023 09:27

I think it's a reverse. No one could think like this

What’s a reverse ?

YoureRockingTheBoat · 07/07/2023 19:49

A reverse, my friend, is a thread where the son imagines what the father is thinking and writes it from his POV. Usually resulting in much acrimony on the thread when the trap is sprung.

Takeitonthechin · 07/07/2023 19:50

Oh my gosh you really do want to rub salt in your sons wounds, by having another child!, I really cannot think by doing this, it is going to repair your relationship with him.

Your son is an adult and please respect his wishes of no contact, by pestering him, you will only push him away further.

What are you actually wanting us to say, well done for doing what you did to your wife & son......

Even now, it's all about you...

Have you ever heard the saying, "you made your bed"

Think it's time to get on with your life and let your ex and son get on with theirs

I know one thing, your now wife is going to look at you one day and do exactly to you, what you have done to your wife & son. What goes around, comes around.

Malarandras · 07/07/2023 19:54

I hope this is a fabulous piece of creative writing.

If it is not then the writer needs to leave his son be. This is a 25 year old man who has his own life and feelings and the right to have in his life whom he chooses.

How you feel is completely and utterly irrelevant to him and his life.

You cannot force yourself or your feelings on him. You chose your actions, he chooses his reaction. Just as he had no power over what you did you have no power over what he does. You need to accept this. You may never have a relationship with him again - that is entirely his prerogative. You have no say in this matter - none.

Annaishere · 07/07/2023 20:03

I see. Well that’s a good way to post anonymously I suppose

Annaishere · 07/07/2023 20:04

(@YoureRockingTheBoat )

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 07/07/2023 20:06

Cringing for you that you would actually consider having another child when you have a son in his twenties - with the woman you had an affair with and left your wife of 30 years for. No wonder he doesn't want anything to do with you. Id be ashamed embarrassed and mortified if you were my father

Given the ages / timeline I'm going to say you are pushing 50 and your new wife is on her thirties 🤔

Borgonzola · 07/07/2023 20:07

YOU were angry at HIS betrayal?

JustanothermagicMonday1 · 07/07/2023 20:11

It is incredibly embarrassing for your son that you are such a cheap cliche! Cheat with a much younger woman and are now trying for a baby!

Put yourself in his shoes. What is he going to tell his own girlfriends? They would judge your whole family and your ethics. I fully understand that he wants nothing to do with you.

You have let your original family down really badly. Just respect his decision, maybe write letters and keep them for him. So he has something for later if he wants to.

I have a close friend whose father did similar. He cut all contact and didn’t even turn up to the funeral.

You have to understand that for young people things can appear very black and white. He doesn’t want to turn out like you so he is distancing himself.

Boomboom22 · 07/07/2023 20:20

Your current wife is bringing deliberately nasty and I'm 💯 she knows what she is doing. She'd by quite happy for you to have a very limited relationship. Not surprising as she was happy to date when you were married.

stargirl1701 · 07/07/2023 20:25

Is your new wife the same age as your son?

Annaishere · 07/07/2023 20:40

I think people are being harsh. It must be really hard your child cutting contact.

BlastedPimples · 07/07/2023 20:41

Yeah kids don't cut contact for no reason though. There's often a good reason.

My dcs have cut contact with their dad because he's been abusive.

Darkandstormynite · 07/07/2023 20:43

Boomboom22 · 07/07/2023 20:20

Your current wife is bringing deliberately nasty and I'm 💯 she knows what she is doing. She'd by quite happy for you to have a very limited relationship. Not surprising as she was happy to date when you were married.

Of course she knows what she's doing, but as the saying goes "no fool like an old fool'.

There's no way the OP would ever admit this to himself as the scales might start to fall from his eyes and given that he's thrown everything away for it, that is probably a very scary prospect. Better to let his new wife and her family slag off the ex and his son than actually point out that fact.

I suspect the son just wants to get on with his life and put this sorry mess behind him.

Littlemissprosecco · 07/07/2023 20:43

The sad thing about all this is, that whatever the reasons, right or wrong, everyone is really hurting.

Annaishere · 07/07/2023 20:45

Maybe it would take you leaving your new wife

DirectionToPerfection · 07/07/2023 20:47

My wife is younger and I mentioned that so people could understand why I am going to be having another child despite my son being an adult.

I don't think anyone is having difficulty understanding, you're a textbook midlife crisis.

I don't think she warrants the negative comments on here.

Apart from the fact that she had an affair with a married man, she has a complete lack of empathy for your son and is slagging him off to her family and to you. Even worse, you're happy with that because it supports your victim complex.

We have been together over 4 years and things are good between us. I know that might not be what people want to hear but I am just being honest.

Yes, all of us strangers on the internet are just devastated to hear that. So jealous too, you sound like such a catch!

Littlemissprosecco · 07/07/2023 20:47

Annaishere · 07/07/2023 20:45

Maybe it would take you leaving your new wife

I doubt it, the damage has been done. That would just be karma

Farmageddon · 07/07/2023 20:47

If this is true.....

Your son has a right to decide that he doesn't want a relationship with you. Quite honestly, I also would want nothing to do with my father if he had behaved as selfishly as you have.
Children care about how one parent treats another, you can't just portion that off from your relationship with your son because it's convenient.

You sound so self absorbed. If you were unhappy and wanted to leave your marriage you could have done so without humiliating and lying to your wife by having an affair. Your son probably saw the devastation that has caused his mother.
Now you want to create a new shiny family with your wife who is close in age to your son, he is probably freaked out - as I would be in that situation.

You need to accept that you have irrevocably damaged your relationship with him, as he has seen your selfish behaviour and the hurt it has caused.

LocalHobo · 07/07/2023 20:54

Come on - this man deserves admiration for raising a principled DS, one who clearly cares for his Mother and understands loyalty. God knows how with his own lack of morals...

SoWhatEh · 07/07/2023 21:01

In summary: I behaved like a shit and now I am really upset that my family are treating me like someone who behaved like a shit.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 07/07/2023 21:26

My mum had an affair and left when I was around 25 and it was a lot of upheaval.. My dad had what was nearly a nervous breakdown and my family home was sold, it was a lot to handle for me and my mum just waltzed off, leaving the mess to clean up.
Now (10 years later) I do see her about 3 days a year but I'm closer to my dad, when I stay with my mum it doesn't feel like my proper family as her husband is there. When my dad was ill and it was my responsibility, it was the end of the parent/child relationship.
My step dad had 4 kids, 2 still see him occasionally but 2 never have, you've just rolled the dice I'm afraid.

JustanothermagicMonday1 · 07/07/2023 21:40

“My wife and i are also trying for a baby. She is a fair bit younger than me and understandably wants a child. I fear that if I cannot build sone form of bridge with my son before that happens it will definitely never be repaired so am keen to try and do so as soon as possible.”

Do you actually really want another child or are you only doing this to keep her/keep her happy? Some of my colleagues were in a similar situation to you, did it and then massively regretted it. Do you really want to start all over again at your age? It sounds exhausting… Do you really love this new partner and is she really worth all this grief? Because even if your burnt bridges with your ex wife, there may be other possibilities for you if you repent and move on?

YoureRockingTheBoat · 07/07/2023 22:30

Having shared his thoughts on the wisdom of detonating family life up thread, I’ll tell you what my husband said when I asked him if he thought he would go on to have a child with his mistress. He said, ‘She’s 34, what do you think’.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 08/07/2023 08:47

Annaishere · 07/07/2023 20:40

I think people are being harsh. It must be really hard your child cutting contact.

Of course it’s bloody hard. But there are ways to try to prevent it happening. For example, not being angry at said child and accusing him of “betrayal” because he isn’t delighted that you’re happy now, when said happiness has come at the expense of his mother’s. Or not expecting gratitude because you stayed in the marriage so long. Or accepting any kind of responsibility.