I would appreciate some advice as to what to do about the estranged relationship with my adult son. He is 25 years of age.
Four years ago I left his Mum, my wife of 28 years, for my now wife of 2 years. We had a six month affair which I am not proud of. My affair shocked everyone including myself my exwife and my son. He was in his last year of university when I left. I purposely waiting until then to leave to protect him from witnessing it.
From the moment he knew about the affair he has refused to talk to me other than when I first left and that was to tell me how disgusting I am to treat any woman let alone his mother with such disrespect and our family like old furniture to throw on the bonfire. At first I was angry. at his reaction and betrayal. I was so happy in my new relationship that I could not imagine he would not come round and reallythought he would so stood my ground. I had stayed in a marriage where felt unappreciated for years and felt this was my time now after sacrificing staying for him. I tried to tell him that but he accused me of blaming him for not being man enough to try and sort things out or leave in a decent way. My exwife also refused to speak to me other than on the unavoidable logistics needed to separate a life of 30 years. That left me heartbroken. I know that sounds a ridiculous thing to say but I really dont think I realised that deep down I still loved her deeply. She was my childhood sweetheart and I still remember the first time I saw her. I could never have feelings that profound for anyone else and we have a bond that can never be broken or replaced. I have only just come to that realisation after 2 years of therapy. I should of spoken up sooner and tried to change things but I was too distracted by having something new and exciting and a person that made me feel special. I see now through therapy that validation is a key need for me. Instead I let that upset turn to anger and we entered the usual vicious divorce battle.
My now wife treats me how I wanted my exwife to. She is affectionate and shows every day that she appreciates me and is always making an effort. I lam trying to be to her what I should have been to my exwife. Maybe if I had been different to her we would still be together and I do not want another divorce.
As to my son I have tried to reach out by sending cards and the odd text. At first he would reply to my texts to tell me to respect his decision and leave him alone and he will contact me if he changes his mind. Now he just point blank ignores them. I am so upset by his continued rejection I find it hard to carry on. I do not know what is going on in his life which is so difficult. I reached out recently to my exwife a few months ago for help. She was actually civil and said that she understands my sadness but that this is something he and I need to sort out and whatever I think she has not encouraged him to not speak to me. I believe her I think. At first I thought she was behind him not or at least encouraging it but my brother sees my son still and says its very clear it is his choice. He will not tell me anything as my son has asked him not to and he feels he must respect that. My current wife and her family are not so sure and think my exwife is behind it and that my brother is being disloyal. For a long time I became embroiled in that and almost found comfort in sessions where we would demonise and critique my exwife. Some days I feel ashamed at doing that and have a need to hug her and just say I am sorry. Others I still blame her. I think my exwife and son think I have just ran off without a care in the world. that is so far from the truth.
I would appreciate some advice and especially from those of you that have been left having to support a child that feels let down on what to do next. I do not think my son will ever accept my new life and I would settle for just the two of us having contact. My wife is not happy that he looks down on her so I am always in conflict as if I show too much sympathy for his view it upsets her. To avoid that I do a lot of my grieving privately. She is very clear that she would welcome my son if he wanted to be a part of her life but i think deep down him not being suits her because of his views about her. For me it is not his say what i do. My brother said my son told him he cannot see how my wife and I think it is okay to openly celebrate our relationship and put it on a pedestal even though it has wrecked his and mine. I see his point but what can I do? I generally try and keep things quiet as I am more introvert and I do not want to do anything to make things worse. But my wife is very active on social media and makes lots of posts about our life like our holidays, engagement party, wedding, honeymoon etc. her view is that my son is an adult and needs to either not look or get a grip. I see her point too which makes this very tricky. I feel like I am walking a tightrope.
My wife and i are also trying for a baby. She is a fair bit younger than me and understandably wants a child. I fear that if I cannot build sone form of bridge with my son before that happens it will definitely never be repaired so am keen to try and do so as soon as possible.