poor relationship with adult son

[Notsossuperdad]

I would appreciate some advice as to what to do about the estranged relationship with my adult son. He is 25 years of age.

Four years ago I left his Mum, my wife of 28 years, for my now wife of 2 years. We had a six month affair which I am not proud of. My affair shocked everyone including myself my exwife and my son. He was in his last year of university when I left. I purposely waiting until then to leave to protect him from witnessing it.

From the moment he knew about the affair he has refused to talk to me other than when I first left and that was to tell me how disgusting I am to treat any woman let alone his mother with such disrespect and our family like old furniture to throw on the bonfire. At first I was angry. at his reaction and betrayal. I was so happy in my new relationship that I could not imagine he would not come round and reallythought he would so stood my ground. I had stayed in a marriage where felt unappreciated for years and felt this was my time now after sacrificing staying for him. I tried to tell him that but he accused me of blaming him for not being man enough to try and sort things out or leave in a decent way. My exwife also refused to speak to me other than on the unavoidable logistics needed to separate a life of 30 years. That left me heartbroken. I know that sounds a ridiculous thing to say but I really dont think I realised that deep down I still loved her deeply. She was my childhood sweetheart and I still remember the first time I saw her. I could never have feelings that profound for anyone else and we have a bond that can never be broken or replaced. I have only just come to that realisation after 2 years of therapy. I should of spoken up sooner and tried to change things but I was too distracted by having something new and exciting and a person that made me feel special. I see now through therapy that validation is a key need for me. Instead I let that upset turn to anger and we entered the usual vicious divorce battle.

My now wife treats me how I wanted my exwife to. She is affectionate and shows every day that she appreciates me and is always making an effort. I lam trying to be to her what I should have been to my exwife. Maybe if I had been different to her we would still be together and I do not want another divorce.

As to my son I have tried to reach out by sending cards and the odd text. At first he would reply to my texts to tell me to respect his decision and leave him alone and he will contact me if he changes his mind. Now he just point blank ignores them. I am so upset by his continued rejection I find it hard to carry on. I do not know what is going on in his life which is so difficult. I reached out recently to my exwife a few months ago for help. She was actually civil and said that she understands my sadness but that this is something he and I need to sort out and whatever I think she has not encouraged him to not speak to me. I believe her I think. At first I thought she was behind him not or at least encouraging it but my brother sees my son still and says its very clear it is his choice. He will not tell me anything as my son has asked him not to and he feels he must respect that. My current wife and her family are not so sure and think my exwife is behind it and that my brother is being disloyal. For a long time I became embroiled in that and almost found comfort in sessions where we would demonise and critique my exwife. Some days I feel ashamed at doing that and have a need to hug her and just say I am sorry. Others I still blame her. I think my exwife and son think I have just ran off without a care in the world. that is so far from the truth.

I would appreciate some advice and especially from those of you that have been left having to support a child that feels let down on what to do next. I do not think my son will ever accept my new life and I would settle for just the two of us having contact. My wife is not happy that he looks down on her so I am always in conflict as if I show too much sympathy for his view it upsets her. To avoid that I do a lot of my grieving privately. She is very clear that she would welcome my son if he wanted to be a part of her life but i think deep down him not being suits her because of his views about her. For me it is not his say what i do. My brother said my son told him he cannot see how my wife and I think it is okay to openly celebrate our relationship and put it on a pedestal even though it has wrecked his and mine. I see his point but what can I do? I generally try and keep things quiet as I am more introvert and I do not want to do anything to make things worse. But my wife is very active on social media and makes lots of posts about our life like our holidays, engagement party, wedding, honeymoon etc. her view is that my son is an adult and needs to either not look or get a grip. I see her point too which makes this very tricky. I feel like I am walking a tightrope.

My wife and i are also trying for a baby. She is a fair bit younger than me and understandably wants a child. I fear that if I cannot build sone form of bridge with my son before that happens it will definitely never be repaired so am keen to try and do so as soon as possible.

You sound like my ex husband “but I’m so happy, why are you not all happy for meeeeeee! What about meeeeeeeee”
Look, you were selfish and you don’t get to dictate how your son feels and reacts. However you want to look at it by cheating on his mother you DID cheat on him- his life, his memories and his values. If I were you I would applaud him for having the decency and the morals you clearly lack.
i agree with others that there are lots I’s in this post- stop blaming others for your short comings and seek therapy.
As for your current wife, you say she’s very young and that shows by her use of social media. She’s clearly showing off to the world that she won the ‘prize’ and this is going to rub people up the wrong way. It’s disgusting and it’s childish and perhaps it’s something you both need to address.
You have none of my sympathy- your ex wife and especially your son have it all. Leave him be and applaud him for standing by his mother, something that his feckless father couldn’t be bothered to do. Also, remember the whole world doesn’t revolve around you and you are now reaping what you are sowing…… congrats.

🤷‍♀️

I’d also add, that people often mistakenly believe that as we get older our feelings and emotions towards our parents get less important and less dependant

this is a myth

as you get older your relationship towards your parents matures slowly as you begin to realise that they are independent, flawed beings , but the “need” for their approval, support, care and loyalty doesn’t vanish,

you only have to watch 80 or 90 year olds talking about losing their parents at maybe a young age, and seeing them still cry. Or watch a 60 year old find out about their adoption and who their biological parent is. That’s what makes these types of programmes watchable ,we will ALWAYS remain a the child when thinking about our parents. That’s what makes becoming the carer for an aged parent so very difficult - it is switching the child/parent bond around and that produces all sorts of raw emotions.

your new wife is a naive, or callous to say that your son should her view is that “my son is an adult and needs to either not look or get a grip.”. Your son will always be your CHILD and will always approach your relationship form that perspective first.

do you honestly think I deserve to lose my son over it

If you treat people like shit they get to choose how they react.

You sound like a selfish prick. Your son is showing real moral fibre by sticking with his mother. Hopefully he won’t follow in your footsteps.

Your new wife and her family need to back off with their opinions.

Your brother is an amazing uncle and you need to accept he's putting his nephew feelings before yours.

No one can say if your son will ever start a relationship with you again.

The chances are very slim though especially once you start a 'new family ' with your new wife.

You could have 'left an unhappy marriage' without having an affair. Nothing you say justifies the way you treated your ex wife and your son.
My ex had an affair, left in the middle of DS's exams and moved in with the OW. DS has little to no relationship with him now, he's also been told he needs to grow up and get over it.
You chose your path, you need to accept that your adult son has lost all respect for you.

Adding a new baby into the mix is really going to make your son happy isn’t it🙄

Honestly why can’t men just buy a sports car when they have a midlife crisis and be done with it !

No, please don’t send birthday and Xmas cards or any card at time of a happy moment for son.
I explain why in another post
but I get this. After 20 years. And I wasn’t the one to go NC. 🤷🏼‍♀️. It is very distressing that on the special days you are looking forward to and happy, that you get a slap in the face reminder of a very distressing situation.

pleae, please don’t do this

send 1 letter- say you’ll continue to think about them on their birthday etc and wish them all the happiness on that day, but respect them enough to not continue to remind them of this broken relationship just when they’re doing something that’s moving forward positively

it is incredibly selfish and lacking any empathy.

I remember so clearly asking my husband what thought he had given to the consequences of his decision to leave, be they financial, professional, or in his family relationships. He said, ‘That’s sounds like a threat.’ As if there would be none if we all just got with the programme.

he's an adult, you're not "losing your son" , an autonomous adult has decided based on your behaviour that you are not the type of person he wants in his life, as is his right, he might change his mind in time but there is nothing unfair about this - when you reveal less than noble traits to people sometimes they won't want to be around you anymore...

I am sorry if I come across as self absorbed. That is not my intention I just want to fix things with my son as I love him very much and what is wrong with that?

The first step here would be to get over the ridiculous idea that he somehow betrayed YOU by not being happy for you. In what world would you expect your child to be delighted for you when your happiness has come at the expense of his mother’s?

You also need to forget the idea that your ex-wife owes you any kind of a hearing. She doesn’t. If you really regret the way you treated her, respect her feelings and don’t press her to make YOU feel better.

You, you, you is a common theme here, isn’t it? You want forgiveness from your son, your ex; you want your brother to side with you over his son - and all without any consequences from your decision. Why do you think you deserve this?

I would also seriously reconsider having a child with your second wife. She comes across as selfish and unsympathetic.

Mate, you exploded the family unit with your affair and I imagine your son was left to witness his mother go through the emotional mill and help pick up the pieces. Traumatic as that experience was it has probably resulted in a very strong bond between your ex wife and your son. You seem almost resentful at him for not just accepting your new relationship and forgiving the trauma you have caused. I would respect his wishes and leave him alone, he might change his mind later down the line once he has fully processed and reconcile things but there is no guarantee that he will want to reach out.

Hmm, no.
i think you’re seeing posters being incredulous that a grown adult lacks such empathy, insight or understanding why his child is hurt, angry and confused to his dad lying to him.
ds may be an adult, but he is still his dad’s child- that never changes.
the dad seems to have a by-pass on empathy - posters are pointing this out , and probably a bit incredulous of yet another posters who lacks empathy to this degree.

As apposed to a lying cheating scumbag?
im happily married but my best friend had her husband leave in similar circumstances and I’ve seen the profound effect it has on families. So I have no sympathy for OP whatsoever.

I agree. If you were that unhappy you should have left first and then started a relationship later on when things were more settled. You had a choice to make right here and you chose the path that would cause maximum hurt. What you did was deceptive and unkind and if I was your son I would not want to talk to you either I'm afraid as in his shoes, my first priority would be my mum and her pain and hurt.

Our actions have consequences and a ripple effect that change the lives of those around us and that is something that maybe you should have considered before you had the affair. You say you care about your son but where was that care when you were having an affair? You prioritised sex with someone else under the guise of being "unhappy" but you could have dealt with that by leaving first and foremost.

I understand why you feel the way you do but this post reads as incredibly selfish with no thought to the turmoil and grief your son must feel right now.

Yep- spot on.

I did not leave my son, I left his mother. Surely it cannot be the case that I have to stay in an unhappy marriage else seen to abandon my son. If that was true noone would ever leave an unhappy marriage That is not good for anyone.

Did you actually communicate to your wife that you were unhappy?

Did you make an effort in the marriage?

Of course it's not wrong to leave an unhappy marriage, but there are ways to handle it respectfully. You don't blindside someone with it and you certainly don't have an affair.

Your posts come across as extremely entitled, with no empathy or awareness of other people's feelings. Your attitude absolutely stinks, blaming everyone except yourself.

Your son is completely justified in feeling the way he does. He knows you're not actually sorry and that you (unbelievably) think he's the one being unreasonable. It is his choice and his alone whether he wants a relationship with you, and maybe if you stopped whining about being so hard done by and actually accepted the damage you've done he'd be more willing to consider it.

You can’t dictate, but actually she is sabotaging any chance you have. If she had your best interests at heart she would really stay off socials and absolutely not slag off your sons mother (I mean would you be friendly with someone who ripped your mother to shreds?)

It’s interesting that she can recognize the immaturity of his response- but look how much effort it took for you to be dragged into thinking like an adult.
Sadly, his male role model growing up was obviously selfish and immature. What example did you show him when he was growing up?

You don’t deserve forgiveness, and many children just don’t forgive their straying parent. You’re correct that having another child will prevent any relationship with him in the future, so my recommendation is that you just don’t. (Appreciate it isn’t that easy).

I also think your best hope is with his mother. She is obviously way out of your league now, but she sounds decent, and would probably make the right noises, give him permission etc. Presumably you didn’t financially shaft her in the divorce, and she isn’t facing an old-age which will be in poverty?

The phrase “fuck about and find out” applies very strongly to you OP. You fucked about and found that your son is by far a better man than you and won’t tolerate the fact that you are a coward, liar and a cheat. There is no coming back from that when you can’t even respect his request for you to not contact him. You’ve continued burning your bridges and laying all the blame on a woman that you jurt and betrayed. Your son has shown you what that feels like, kudos to him.

Respect his wishes. He has been clear. This is not what you want it's about what he wants

Keep the door open but I'm afraid you burned your bridges

I'm a bloke. It is pretty obvious to anyone (non single mums included) that the OP is severely lacking in any empathy or self awareness. Nothing to do with man hating, everything to do with calling out shit behaviour and attitude though.

I imagine if this is real (which I hope to god it isn’t), that you felt unappreciated because your wife was likely doing the lions share of EVERYTHING at home, childcare, mental load, constant housework and planning and you were probably pissed off that she didn’t drop to her knees and offer you sex as soon as you returned from work each day.

Your son has every right to be disgusted that you chose to sleep with someone else rather than focus on trying to heal your marriage or realign your expectations.

I think your therapy needs to continue for a long time.

Wow people are harsh.
the son was grown up when this happened; many parents run off when their children are very young (like my parents). Instead he stayed on in the marriage for the sake of the son who is 25, a grown man not an infant.
people fall in and out of love it’s not a crime.
Often fathers leave and want nothing to do with the children from their first marriage.
Not saying the OP is without fault but the pile on is horrible.

100%!

I think you need to carry in with therapy.
Youve discovered a few truths. I think there are many more to unearth still.

Apart from that, you need to learn to respect people’s boundaries.
You didn’t when you had an affair.
You didn’t when you kept pressing your ds for contact when he said NO.