poor relationship with adult son

[Notsossuperdad]

I would appreciate some advice as to what to do about the estranged relationship with my adult son. He is 25 years of age.

Four years ago I left his Mum, my wife of 28 years, for my now wife of 2 years. We had a six month affair which I am not proud of. My affair shocked everyone including myself my exwife and my son. He was in his last year of university when I left. I purposely waiting until then to leave to protect him from witnessing it.

From the moment he knew about the affair he has refused to talk to me other than when I first left and that was to tell me how disgusting I am to treat any woman let alone his mother with such disrespect and our family like old furniture to throw on the bonfire. At first I was angry. at his reaction and betrayal. I was so happy in my new relationship that I could not imagine he would not come round and reallythought he would so stood my ground. I had stayed in a marriage where felt unappreciated for years and felt this was my time now after sacrificing staying for him. I tried to tell him that but he accused me of blaming him for not being man enough to try and sort things out or leave in a decent way. My exwife also refused to speak to me other than on the unavoidable logistics needed to separate a life of 30 years. That left me heartbroken. I know that sounds a ridiculous thing to say but I really dont think I realised that deep down I still loved her deeply. She was my childhood sweetheart and I still remember the first time I saw her. I could never have feelings that profound for anyone else and we have a bond that can never be broken or replaced. I have only just come to that realisation after 2 years of therapy. I should of spoken up sooner and tried to change things but I was too distracted by having something new and exciting and a person that made me feel special. I see now through therapy that validation is a key need for me. Instead I let that upset turn to anger and we entered the usual vicious divorce battle.

My now wife treats me how I wanted my exwife to. She is affectionate and shows every day that she appreciates me and is always making an effort. I lam trying to be to her what I should have been to my exwife. Maybe if I had been different to her we would still be together and I do not want another divorce.

As to my son I have tried to reach out by sending cards and the odd text. At first he would reply to my texts to tell me to respect his decision and leave him alone and he will contact me if he changes his mind. Now he just point blank ignores them. I am so upset by his continued rejection I find it hard to carry on. I do not know what is going on in his life which is so difficult. I reached out recently to my exwife a few months ago for help. She was actually civil and said that she understands my sadness but that this is something he and I need to sort out and whatever I think she has not encouraged him to not speak to me. I believe her I think. At first I thought she was behind him not or at least encouraging it but my brother sees my son still and says its very clear it is his choice. He will not tell me anything as my son has asked him not to and he feels he must respect that. My current wife and her family are not so sure and think my exwife is behind it and that my brother is being disloyal. For a long time I became embroiled in that and almost found comfort in sessions where we would demonise and critique my exwife. Some days I feel ashamed at doing that and have a need to hug her and just say I am sorry. Others I still blame her. I think my exwife and son think I have just ran off without a care in the world. that is so far from the truth.

I would appreciate some advice and especially from those of you that have been left having to support a child that feels let down on what to do next. I do not think my son will ever accept my new life and I would settle for just the two of us having contact. My wife is not happy that he looks down on her so I am always in conflict as if I show too much sympathy for his view it upsets her. To avoid that I do a lot of my grieving privately. She is very clear that she would welcome my son if he wanted to be a part of her life but i think deep down him not being suits her because of his views about her. For me it is not his say what i do. My brother said my son told him he cannot see how my wife and I think it is okay to openly celebrate our relationship and put it on a pedestal even though it has wrecked his and mine. I see his point but what can I do? I generally try and keep things quiet as I am more introvert and I do not want to do anything to make things worse. But my wife is very active on social media and makes lots of posts about our life like our holidays, engagement party, wedding, honeymoon etc. her view is that my son is an adult and needs to either not look or get a grip. I see her point too which makes this very tricky. I feel like I am walking a tightrope.

My wife and i are also trying for a baby. She is a fair bit younger than me and understandably wants a child. I fear that if I cannot build sone form of bridge with my son before that happens it will definitely never be repaired so am keen to try and do so as soon as possible.

My current wife and her family are not so sure and think my exwife is behind it and that my brother is being disloyal. For a long time I became embroiled in that and almost found comfort in sessions where we would demonise and critique my exwife.

Wow. And you wonder why your ex-wife and son don't like you. You (and your new wife) are just a$$holes and deserve each other.
Your poor son.

Just another thought, if you go on to have children with your new wife you will absolutely destroy any chance of reconciliation with your son.

If you have more children and your new wife understandably finds her priority shifts to the children, she’s tired, busy etc etc and you’re no longer the star of the show, which seems to be your main grudge against your ex wife, what happens? Find wife number 3 and blame wife 2 for the failure?

You didn’t need to tell us your new wife is ‘much younger’.

Also how old are you? Must be in your 50s at least?

Have you considered the reality of having a baby at your age? What's like going to be like for your child? S/he may have to deal with caring, medical issues, and possibly death, at a much younger age than their peers. Having a much older parent does place a burden on a child.

You shattered his life and broke his mother's heart with an affair with a younger woman. You married your affair partner, who colluded in this pain and now want him to accept you are happier with her. A woman who, with her family, seems to enjoy stirring the pot and demands to be accepted and respected, which, as the OW, she never will be. You have done terrible damage but you seem to want everyone to move on so YOU can be happy and now you are planning a new family?! Are you fucking insane?

OP, if you are still reading this...

You can't make someone like you, no matter how hard you try. Right now your son doesn't like you. You have to wait until he's ready but be prepared for him to never be ready.

OP are you sure you want a baby at this stage in your life? It's a huge commitment.

I was also 21 when I found out about my dads affair and he left my mum. I was furious and hated him for what he did - the lies, how I realised some of his horrible behaviour to my mum was driven by a constant comparison to OW being sweetness and light as only an OW can be, how he devastated my mum when he left.
I hated him and never forgave and our relationship was never the same again.

However my parents reconciled and lived happily together for 13 more years so I did have a relationship with him.

When he died i was bereft. I remember thinking how I'd forgive anything just to have him back.
But then I found out he'd never stopped the affair. I had to tell the OW he was dead. I had to hide the sex toys he'd hidden to use with her. I had to deal with her leaving little love notes at his grave for my mum to find and when my mum had dementia I had to deal with her confusion on a loop, paranoid hallucinations that always centred on his affair. It was horrendous.

So I don't know what I'd advise your son tbh. He may end up regretting losing his relationship with you when it's too late or he may be best shot of you and moving on.

In terms of what to say to him - leave him alone, he's made it clear he's not ready and may never be. Respect that. Clearly respect for others isn't a talent you have though.

Your wife and her family are not helping things are they and if she were being sensitive she would privatise her social media or not post so much stuff.*
*
100% Agree with this.. It's pretty shocking that your wife is sitting around with her family bitching about your ex when she slept with someone else's husband.

I get that you feel hard done by and of course having an affair doesn't mean you are all bad and deserve to lose contact with your son but he is an adult who feels betrayed. You can't force him.
I'd respect his wishes and back off with the messages. Maybe a letter just explaining that you miss and love him and that you're door is always open.

@Notsossuperdad
I see your point re social media but my wife has every right to do as she pleases. I cannot dictate what she does and nor should I.

It's really not a big ask, it's clearly going to add fuel to the fire and why would you want to be with a woman who has no regard for your child's feelings, especially considering how you got together. Sounds shockingly childish and selfish.

Please reconsider this, you don't sound 100 percent convinced.If you were a mum looking for advise I would say it's been too soon to marry this woman and move on.Don't bring a 5th person into this.

Is it really that hard for your wife to post on social media but restricting what your son sees? She's obviously allowed to have a life but a few clicks could have reduced the animosity.

You blew up his family, are ignoring his request for space and broke his mums heart. It's not surprising he's angry.
No you shouldn't have stayed in an unhappy marriage but of it was unhappy why didn't you leave before? Or like so many men before you did you only realise you were so very miserable when a younger woman caught your eye?
Give him space, respect his wishes and hope that given time he might be willing to let you back into his life. It's about all you can do at this point.

Although I understand it makes you sad that your son doesn't want contact at this time. A different way to view it is, that he's obviously grown up to be secure in asserting his feelings and setting boundaries for himself, which is actually a great thing. I think it's important and you respect his boundaries and do as he asked, leave him until such time as he decides to make contact.

It may be that he doesn't change his mind, while heartbreaking for you, it is sadly the consequence of an action that you chose to make. As he has said to you, there is a right way and a wrong way to end a relationship and you chose the wrong way.

If you have had feedback from people that your son struggles with how public your now wife makes your relationship, i think that's the one proactive step you could take to try and improve things. Yes, your wife can post whatever she likes on social media, but I think it shows a lack of caring on her part if she is aware that this makes your son feel bad which in turn, makes reconciling with him harder. If she was invested in you repairing your relationship with your son, she'd abstain or significantly reduce how much she does it. I wouldn't dream of putting social media posts above my dh or family. Social media 'likes' shouldn't trump love.

Thank you for this it is a very helpful suggestion and I think is my best option.

It seems pointless to reiterate that I understand how my son feels as that just does not seem to be heard but I really do. As I said earlier I wrote to tell him that when I sent the wedding invitation and made clear that I love him unconditionally and my marriage does not change that. Of course my own sadness comes over and that is because i am devastated. I do not mean that to portray that his feelings don't count. It is hard to accept that showing that love is best done by me respecting his wish to not speak to me but I am hearing it.

My wife is younger and I mentioned that so people could understand why I am going to be having another child despite my son being an adult. I don't think she warrants the negative comments on here. She wasn't the married one and her age is not relevant to the affair. I also do not feel we are rushing into things. We have been together over 4 years and things are good between us. I know that might not be what people want to hear but I am just being honest.

I absolutely hate the age old “I didn’t leave him, I left his mum”

My ex rolls that out every so often, it’s just another way of trying to deflect blame. I will tell you what I tell me ex. You left us both.

Okay your son is a lot older by my ex has went from being full time parent with me to part time. That is leaving us both.

Honestly do yourself a favour and just take the blame for all you’ve caused.

This. Dear god man! You are sooo upset about the relationship with your son that you are trying for a baby with shiny new wife number 2! This will not go well - why does it take anonymous randoms on the internet to point this blindingly obvious fact out….?

My wife is younger and I mentioned that so people could understand why I am going to be having another child despite my son being an adult. I don't think she warrants the negative comments on here.

My current wife and her family are not so sure and think my exwife is behind it and that my brother is being disloyal. For a long time I became embroiled in that and almost found comfort in sessions where we would demonise and critique my exwife. Some days I feel ashamed at doing that

But my wife is very active on social media and makes lots of posts about our life like our holidays, engagement party, wedding, honeymoon etc. her view is that my son is an adult and needs to either not look or get a grip.

^^ Your words mate. You made her appear like a troublemaker in your relationship(s). You are so busy claiming it's not your fault that you can't even take responsibility for your first post.

This cannot be real. You shat on your family, barely even tried to make amends and now you expect the family you threw away to be kind to you? Jog on. You reap what you sow.

#TeamSon
#TeamMother

Don't have another child. Not if you ever want a relationship with the one you have. Your behaviour has been utterly vile and your wife is wildly insensitive to plaster it all over SM.

Perhaps your wife is disappointed that your son is blanking her because she fancies him.

sort of a younger version of you.

My goodness, what have I just read.

It's highly likely that your son may never forgive you and you're unlikely to ever play a central role in his life again. Several adults I know are in a similar situation to your son and their view is there's just no way they could trust a parent who consistently lied to them for a sustained period. You seem to think you just cheated on your wife, in reality you lied to those closest to you about who you were. So deep down they've learnt they simply cannot trust you.

His uncle seems to be fulfilling a central rolel in his life now, so be thankful he has a strong consistent person to lean on.

I suspect having a baby actually may make you feel much worse. It may bring into sharp focus your lost relationship with your son. It will also put a lot of strain on your marriage. There's nothing like a baby to burst the honeymoon bubble. I suspect you're going to do it though because if you don't your new wife is very likely to reevaluate your relationship.

A baby will probably also be the nail in the coffin with your son, so there's that as well.

I really hope your ex is finally enjoying her life. There's so many threads from her perspective on here. One that springs to mind is a very strong lady who was posting about how she'd finally found peace and was happy but her exH kept trying to talk to her about how unhappy he was going through the nappy years again. It made her chuckle.

I think your ex and son will be just fine.

I think it unlikely your son will ever want contact with you. You destroyed his world and life 4 years ago (in his last year at uni?? - that was shitty timing, so don't kid yourself you did it for his sake!)

He's 25 now. That's grown up. He's not going to suddenly decide he wants 'daddy' back. He feels you behaved so badly towards him and his mother that he's cut you out his life. I can't see why after 4 years he would ever want to resume the relationship.

You reap what you sow, I'm afraid.

It’s just such a cliche OP! A tale as old as time. Of course your new wife is younger & of course you are now planning a do over baby. Surely you must see that it’s hard for your son to respect you? Your son sounds like he’s got his head screwed on.

Instead he stayed on in the marriage for the sake of the son who is 25, a grown man not an infant.

Well indeed - the son wasn’t an infant. So why did OP stay in the marriage so long “for his sake”?

I’d wager the OP actually decided that staying in the marriage was a better option than being alone, stuck around until he found someone else, and then cried “But I did it for you!” when his son wasn’t quite as thrilled about his father’s new happiness as hoped.