A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@cakeoverexercise This is what I am afraid of in telling people as well. Like the look of pity and just feeling small and not worth anything. Which I also do not feel in everyday life even in the midst of this so I am quite nervous about that part.

@PotsnPan I just want to let you know you are not alone at all. I go through that same exercise trying to figure out which action of my Hs means what and could he possibly be regretting saying he wants to move on and all of that. I think this is normal and all we can do like @cakeoverexercise says is try our hardest to shift the focus back on us. I have written a list in my notes app on my phone of things I want to focus on, and some things are sort of silly like drinking more water or like that but I find as a more visual person it really helps me if I am sitting there overanalyzing to refocus my attention on that instead of the other stuff. I don't know if that is healthy or not but its all in an attempt to keep me (relatively) sane and not despondent all the time.

@camedowntothewire I recently read something about how men can't even take constructive criticism in general so maybe that has something to do with it. I know my H can't take anything like that, especially in the moment. I don't think you sound like a selfish mom, in one sense if you feel like your relationship could never work your daughter deserves for you to be happy, and if it can't be the way it was maybe there is hope it can end up being better. I definitely wish that for you.

Hi @cakeoverexercise i’m so sorry you’re feeling this way too, it’s horrendous isn’t it. I know at 3 weeks in I was questioning why I still felt that way, but now it’s 14 or 15 weeks tomorrow (losing count now, surely that’s a good sign?) I know from how I’ve moved forward a little and from talking to other women who are post divorce, that it will take a while. But they also reassure me that I’ll get through it, and most say for the better.

i’m still really struggling to accept it’s over, when he clearly came to this realisation a long time ago, probably before he left.

do you have plans for the weekend? I’m trying my best to keep busy, even if I’m having to force myself

Hi ladies, I had a long talk with my H last night. I was trying to figure out what exactly he wants so I can try to mesh that with what I want and what is best for the children and make some sort of plan so I am not in this limbo. We were up almost all night talking, and I think it is clear he has no idea what he wants. In the same conversation I heard "Let's just get divorced", "Let's be separated for six months" and that "he loves me unconditionally and is not ready to be done with our romantic relationship" yet either. My H has always been the type to say things he doesn't mean at times. So I called him on saying he was "ready to move on" and he says it doesn't mean what I think, but he can't even verbalize what it means. All that to say, this morning while he was showering he was so depressed he was laying on the shower floor. I think the bottom line is he is so desperate to stop feeling this way, he even told me he would give me everything he has and start over if he could just stop feeling this way. He also wants or needs my permissions to leave he seems incapable of doing it without that. He agreed we could see a therapist together to help us sort this out, whichever way it goes and at this point I think it is necessary as this sort of MH issue is out of my wheelhouse. Even though things are more up in the air than ever before, I do feel sort of at peace only in that I think I can do things to ensure that we are a team moving forward (even if it is not the kind of team I want) and that we do what is best for the kids. If that looks like rebuilding our relationship, all the better, but I do need to face that it might not. That is my update, I hope all of you are doing as okay today as possible.

@PotsnPan yes, I think you're right that it will take a while. I'm just trying to ride out the darkest moments by distracting myself as best I can (at the moment it's watching Wimbledon). Then I can almost believe it's not happening. H was away so much anyway over the last couple of years, that on a practical level it doesn't feel much different. But on an emotional level it's a whole different ball game. Devastatingly so. You asked about my weekend. That's part of why I'm struggling so much just now. I had stupidly assumed H would he here and we'd maybe do something as a family (which just shows my inability to accept what's happening). But of course H has arranged to be away all weekend. So I have no plans, two empty days stretching ahead of me, with all the reminders of what we would have usually been doing, and two teenagers to try and prise out of their rooms. What about you?

@ShylaA040404 It sounds to me as if your H is very much lost at the moment. He probably needs counselling for himself to work out what's going on in his head, and then some couples therapy to see what you both want. But it doesn't sound like your relationship is dead in the water quite yet? All very confusing for you as it really does leave you in limbo until he's sorted himself out. But the fact that you're talking is a positive.

@ShylaA040404 your husband sounds very much like mine did for 7 months, not having a clue what he wanted, telling me he loved me, that he did/didn’t want out of the marriage until he finally left and was still giving me mixed messages. I still look for any crumbs - even the fact he is so vile to me when we speak makes me think it’s his MH speaking and that he’s pushing me away to protect himself from our arguing. But what I do know is that all of his behaviour and my constant rationalising has led to me having this massive mental episode, so please put your own needs first and look after yourself

@cakeoverexercise The sad part is that he sees two therapists currently and he refuses to increase his medication which is very frustrating. One of his therapists told him that if he just leaves and depends on that for happiness he will just be "exchanging one set of problems for another" and he fully acknowledges that but he seems set on that being the only thing that will work for him at the moment. I do think it will be helpful to see a therapist even if the goal isn't for us to reunite. @PotsnPan Thank you for sharing that, on a logical level I know this may sort of lead to the whole "having his cake and eating it too" idea but on a practical level, I like you and so many others, am happy for any crumbs. I am guessing what he wants is for me to get fed up with this and leave him so he won't feel guilty and I am not ruling that out. He still has some idea that we can separate and he will see other people and then come back to me. I have unequivocally told him that won't work for me but he's ready to go out and regret it, maybe. But, like you say, in the next breath he's telling me he just needs space and he doesn't even want to date right away. I get whiplash trying to keep up. That's why I am hoping this therapist will help me and I do need to find one of my own too. I keep referring to the list of what I want right now knowing that it can change from day to day.

What an amazing thread!

May I join please?

@Tootiredtosleep , I’m so sad and sorry to hear your updates. I was thinking of you just now (we PM’d a few months ago when we’d both been recently abandoned but I had a different user name then!)

I will come and back and read the thread in greater depth later.

My situation (just posted on 30 days for advice before seeing this thread):

*I’m 50, have DC aged 19 and 21 and was left by my husband 4 months ago.

I am a regular NC and posted about his shocking betrayal at the time. He moved in with another woman and her child two weeks after leaving me but still denies infidelity.

We had been together since I was 18.

My eldest has cut him out of her life and my 19yo has a fractured, disillusioned and wounded relationship with him.

I am going to have a totally empty nest when my youngest goes to university in September.

So all at once without warning I am going to be alone, without a husband, without any DC and in a empty large house that will soon be sold.

And to top it off, I also have to find a new job as my fixed term contract is coming to an end.

I realise that so much of my identity is wound up with motherhood, my profession and being a wife.

I just don’t recognise my life and it feels unbelievably tough at times.

The grief is sometimes unbearable but I have glimpses of possibility, hope and adventure.

Any inspiration or wisdom for adapting to a life alone, rather than being consumed by a sense of loss?

I have our little family dog currently and she is good company but i will soon be working full time so even she may not be with me as much in the future.*

It means so much to have a safe place to talk through our various situations.

Thank you so much @harlemriver

I’m sorry for copying and pasting. I know it looks lazy. I just couldn’t face writing the whole sorry business out all over again.

So upsetting to see so many on a similar journey (albeit at different life stages).

@Singleaftermarriage we share a similar timeline, by the looks of things. Hugs.

@WhatNowBeryl Welcome to the saddest club in the world. Your story is very similar to mine in that you have older children, are in your 50s and have been together for most of your adult life. My H seemingly doesn't have anyone else (though that remains to be seen) but it's still just as devastating. I'm only 3 weeks into my sorry mess of a situation, so early days for me, and the lows have been the darkest I've ever known. But then I have days like today, where I think it's possible to move on. How long ago did your H leave?

I really hope someone can say something rational, calming etc. I have posted on here, but a quick recap - separated in March, I’m waiting to move out (slow sales progress!!), marital home is now husbands house so I’m just a temporary lodger! He has been adamant there is no one else which I don’t actually believe - he inadvertently shared on the online calendar what turned out to be a date. He says it was a first date but that seemed unlikely. There hasn’t been a lot of going out or going away in the past 3 / 4 months, although of course he could be lying about where he’s going when he does.

I know everyone is different, but for me lying about it is almost worse than if he admitted he was seeing someone. We are separated after all, and I have said a few times, genuinely, that I would rather you were honest and say ‘yes I have met someone’ than sneakily hiding it & lying to my face. But he’s sticking to his story. Of course there could have been someone else for far longer than I think.

Today I have been boxing up a few things and went into the ‘stationery’ cupboard in his office to take some bits & pieces. I have come across a small padded envelope (we often keep them to re-use) and there is one to him, from a jewellery company, with a business name & brief item description on the label. I’ve googled it and discovered it’s a necklace with what can only be described as a very sentimental message on the packaging - soulmates type of message.

Even though I shouldn’t I feel quite crushed! Even though, 3+ months on, I have moments when I feel reasonably fine and can look ahead, I still have the odd wobble. It just feels so much more disrespectful to lie to my face (which sadly he seems to find easy) than to have the decency to be honest. I don’t want or need details, but we were together for 18 years and I just wish that he could honour that memory by being truthful. Or is that unrealistic and too much to ask?

In some ways it’s irrelevant if there is someone else, he doesn’t want to be with me and that’s that, and it makes no difference to the divorce. So I really wish he could treat me with a bit of respect and tell the truth.

It’s pointless mentioning all this and confronting him, I’m sure he would come up with some knee jerk lie, and of course he could just say ‘we’re separated, I don’t need to explain myself’.

I hate that feeling that he may be getting one over on me by having this secret life, and already buying jewellery like this! I feel pretty worthless as it is without him making a fool out of me too!

Sorry for such a drone, I know this is quite trivial compared to what some of you are experiencing.

@cakeoverexercise I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this too. Those early weeks are so so tough. I hope you’ve got real life support. PM me if you like. I promise I’m not always this miserable! xx

I’m four months in and my heart is breaking tonight. It’s ambiguous grief and it comes in waves. Dancing round my living room listening to REM isn’t helping to keep the sadness at bay.

People often misunderstand and think it’s regular heartbreak due to infidelity. But that’s not the thing that resonates most with me. It’s grief. And shock.

It sneaks up on me but I do have days when I feel content and empowered and full of hope. Recovery is not linear. I know that i will be okay in the end but god does it hurt.

@AloneAgain2023 that sounds extremely hurtful and not trivial at all. My latest updates are not entirely dissimilar and I really understand how much it hurts to know that this affection and attention is available to someone else but not to us, after all the years we have given. And that our husbands apparently can't recognise or take responsibility for what they are doing. It's hard and it hurts. I'm sorry that you are in pain too.

As for something rational that might help. I've found comfort from this mumsnet thread from 2012 https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script This is definitely what is happening in my relationship and sounds like it might resonate with others on this thread too. What I am finding particularly difficult is that in the things that he has said and done my husband has broken our relationship beyond repair, so there can be no going back for me. And that feels so unnecessary. I feel like we could probably have worked through this crisis in our marriage if just a few critical moments had been handled differently. But they weren't, and the level of hurt that has happened and his lack of care for me means that I just couldn't go back now even though part of me would like to. So the other thing I am trying to focus on is just accepting this situation for what it is. I wish it wasn't happening and I hate that it is happening but that doesn't change the reality. It's happening this way, we are divorcing, and now my primary task is to take my own life forward in the best way possible for me. I am trying to replace denial and resistance with radical acceptance in order to do that. I found this article quite helpful https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/pieces-mind/201207/radical-acceptance

Good luck. It's just a shitty time and I have found it so comforting that others are going through the same thing (sorry for us all individually, but glad that we have found a collective).

Thank you @harlemriver I appreciate your reply. I can go for quite a while thinking I may be wrong about there being someone else, but then every now and again something happens and I think there is. And it does bring up all that torturous questioning - has he been pulling the wool over my eyes for a long time / a short time? if he thinks so little of me that he can’t even now be honest does it mean he didn’t care beyond the first few years of us being together? did he regret marrying me? why am I so unworthy of receiving respect & honesty? On & on! All that could be stopped by him admitting there’s someone else. I realise that would lead to different emotions, but personally I would still rather know. The trouble is I have no firm evidence either way, only a hunch, so I don’t have the confidence to really forcefully confront him.

Of course it does make things harder that we’re still in the same house and I have to watch his slight detachment and watch his new, separate life. It's generally amicable enough and he’s being kind, but I’ll be so glad when I’m able to eventually move out. Although I suppose you’re still haunted even then by certain thoughts!!

I keep trying to remember that, sometimes in life, things aren’t all neat & tidy - there are times when we get no closure, no certainty, lots of unanswered questions.

I’m having trouble dealing with the possibility that there’s something going on and I’ll never know for sure because this person I was with for 18 years sees no need to show me any respect and honesty. 😞

@AloneAgain2023 I’m so sorry you are going through this. I don’t think it is too much to ask for honesty and respect even in the midst of splitting up and quite simply you deserve it. I’m not sure what the exact right word is for this behavior, whether it’s gaslighting, lying, passive aggressiveness or something else but the level of it present in nearly all of our relationships speaks loudly and devalues our relationships and the time we have spent in them. Even though the truth might hurt it is better than what you are going through and I hope that you eventually get it.

@harlemriver what you are saying resonates so much with me. I also feel that if a few crisis points hadn’t gone the way they had I’d also maybe be in a different position. I also appreciate those articles. Have any of you gone through the anger phase of mourning your relationship yet? I woke up so angry this morning and ready to just file for divorce because I’m so mad at what happened and how my H has acted. I think this is a good step forward in the mourning process because I had to ask myself if I could ever even trust him again after all he has pulled and I think the answer is a strong no. And I am okay with that…maybe it won’t be so easy once I’m not so angry but I have to say it feels better than sadness.

Hi All,
Hope everyone is having a somewhat better day.
I am 6 weeks into my new future and some days are good and I feel hopeful and excited about what's ahead and then some days I feel like I'm back at the beginning again.
I am another who is more upset about the lies, disrespect and misinformation then the actual separation.
I can not get my head around my EXDP, who was once an honest, respectful man to both me and our 4 kids (late teens & young adults) is now either choosing not to talk to his kids, lying to me, disrespecting the kids feelings - DD19 thinks that her and her siblings are partly to blame for him not being happy and he has chosen not to address this with her. Her siblings and I have reassured her so she is ok but he knows she feels this way so him not talking to her makes me stabby.
He also thinks that now that me and the kids know that he is happy with his new GF that we should also all be happy cos life is all rainbows and unicorns now.
His selfishness disturbs me.
Sorry - mini rant over now.
Thanks for the radical acceptance article @harlemriver
I have found podcasts helpful these past few weeks too. I just put a term in the Spotify search and listen to what comes up. Some are useful and some not but it helps to have an impartial voice giving some practical tips.
Take care everyone

Hi ladies. I hope you don’t mind me joining you. Your stories resonate with me as I have been through the whole process and different stages that you are all experiencing now. I am a year or so further on and can assure you it does get easier so hang on in there and hopefully you will all get to a stage where you start to feel a little better.

Things that came out during those horrible early days for me…

Despite numerous denials and swearing on our children’s lives (why do they do that?) there was an OW and she came out of the woodwork around 2 months later. However I found something that proved to me that it had been going on for at least 6 months before the bombshell. The learning point here is don’t believe a word they say!

He finally admitted that he had detached from me and fell out of love with me around 8 years ago following the birth of our second child as I had “changed”. I didn’t look after myself as well and didn’t show him enough attention. - there were probably other affairs that I don’t know about.

He also said that I was too boring in the bedroom! (Not wanting to do anal is boring apparently!) and that he was bored with me in general ! (Prepare for lots of these hurtful comments in the future)

The first 3 months were dreadful for me but the next 6 months helped me to come to terms with it and start to recover. I learnt how to be on my own and how to embrace this and take up some hobbies that I had given up on when I had children. He now has the kids every other weekend and this gives me the time to be myself and enjoy some peace and quiet.

His hurtful comments spurred me into action by rejoining my local gym and I have lost 2 stone and toned up in the last 14 months. I am back to a size 12 again and happy with the way I look and feel. My glass of wine habit to help me cope has gone and I now follow a fairly healthy regime.

The kids have also come to terms with the new arrangements and have now met the OW. By all accounts she is nice to them and whilst I will never forgive either of them for doing what they did, at least she isn’t a complete witch.

My relationship with my ex is functional. His words hurt me more than anything and I will never forgive him for that and laying all the blame for the break up of our marriage on me.

My confidence has improved and I felt after a year I was ready to have a go at dating! That is a thread on itself but I have had a couple of little flings (one with a very fit man 10 years younger!) which involved lots of sex and compliments so has boosted my self esteem and perhaps at some point I will feel inclined to pursue something more long term.

Go with your feelings ladies and you can and will come out stronger. Just remember, these men do not deserve you, are not worthy of you and should not be welcomed back in with open arms. (I felt exactly the same in the early days but now I look back and wonder what I was thinking!)

Be kind to yourselves x

@Hellofuture9 wow what an inspirational post!!!!!!!! Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. You sound like an amazing person🤩

@Hellofuture9 Thank you so much for your wonderful post. It was just the tonic I needed this evening, as I've spiralled down into intense sadness. I'm coping ok on the whole, considering, but there are real flashpoints for me. One of them is Sunday evening when we'd be having a family dinner and sharing a glass of wine. It's so lonely cooking tea for just me and the DC. But anyway, your post did give me hope for the future. I just have to ride out these awful dark moments.

@ShylaA040404 thank you for your reply. You’re right when you say the deceit devalues the relationship - it really does. I’m obsessing about how much it hurts that he absolutely will not tell me what appears reasonably obvious. He’s away until tomorrow and I so much want to ask him yet again, (given this envelope I found and what I think was in it), about there being someone else. If my detective work was right, it points to someone being on the scene for a reasonable amount of time I would say.

The trouble is, as I’ve said before, my evidence isn’t particularly strong and so I’m at a real disadvantage regarding that discussion. I know what my instinct is, and what my hunch is, but I have no solid proof. There have been times when I’ve leant more towards there NOT being another woman, but finding this damn envelope has set me back. Last nights ‘sleep’ was beyond awful! I think I was having what might have been anxiety attacks? Heart pounding, feeling sick & panicky, feeling breathless! Jesus, I wish I’d never seen the damn thing!

Gaslighting really is the current buzzword isn’t it, but it does hit the nail on the head. I know that however calmly, politely, rationally or beggingly (?) I ask, he will stick to his story annd deny it, and just imagining how the conversation would go makes my heart race, and makes me angry & frustrated.

I wish I could just let it go, but as you pointed out, even though the truth would hurt it would be so much better than the deception and lies.

@Hellofuture9 As @DivorceConfusion said, what an inspirational post.
The cruelty of those comments is just beyond! And all to justify his own shitty behaviour. I’m so happy you got there in the end and are living a better life. I think we all know deep down we will get there in the end, but the journey to get there has so many pitfalls and backward steps.

My fear is I won’t get to find out the truth about there being someone else. We have no children, and I won’t be staying in touch with any neighbours when I leave, nor do we have mutual friends. So he may be successful in keeping it from me, which I almost can’t bear.

I know everyone says this for a while, but I really can’t imagine getting involved with anyone again. To go through all those years and then be cast aside & replaced is just too much to contemplate living through again. I’m now mid fifties, which although certainly isn’t old, it doesn’t feel tempting to begin all over again. I look in the mirror and think ‘OK definitely not as good as I used to look!’ 😆 And confidence & self esteem is naturally on the floor anyway! The easy way men can transfer their attention & affection from one woman straight to another is shocking to me.

Looking back to the beginning of the relationship with STBXH, he did the whole ‘love bombing’ thing with me, and it’s possible he’s doing it to someone else now. And while I have always recognised and owned up to my part in the breakdown of the marriage, I would still rather have had a husband who wanted to stick with me through it all. 😔