A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

Welcome @Tootiredtosleep. you are allowed a pity party!

I had a bit of a wobble this morning as somethings gone wrong with the house. My H would usually sort this kind of thing and I’m clueless. So I had a cry and a smoke (oops) but now it’s time to put my big girl pants on and fix this stuff myself.

to all of you still being fed a ridiculous narrative by your H: Do no buy into it. In fact, you don’t even have to listen to it. Most days I feel quite strong now and it’s largely because I don’t get sucked in by his narrative anymore, about how it was all my fault for being such a terrible wife…

@Tootiredtosleep oh and you ARE loveable. Forget about anyone else. Start loving yourself for godsake, you deserve it❤️

@DivorceConfusion - I'm feeling a little better today and I think it is that yesterday I came to the same conclusion as you. I was not a terrible wife. I am a decent person and I deserve better. That said I'm going to have to remind myself of that daily!
Hugs to all.

Thank you @AloneAgain2023. I remember your thread too. Your breakup was around the same time as mine. Sorry to hear you are still suffering too. It's the most difficult thing, isn't it?

Thank you too @DivorceConfusion. I'm trying to see that I'm loveable. It's so hard when I feel the complete opposite.

I was so strong a few weeks ago. Now, that I've let him back into my life again, I have taken a massive step back. I only have myself to blame. I love him and hate him in equal measure. Sigh.

Afternoon all, just catching up. I feel as I’m making a little progress but still absolutely devastated.

my husband has blocked all channels of communication with me completely. I ended up in a MH crisis at the weekend and despite knowing this (and I was at my lowest), he still had a mediator contact me on Monday morning to start sorting the house out.

it then turns out that he’d told my DD about the letter coming on Sunday, so she’s been riddled with guilt after he said he was worried that it would tip me ‘over the edge,’ but still had the letter sent. I wish she’d fuck him off but she won’t.

he is absolutely vile if I do manage to speak with him, saying the most hurtful of things -I don’t think he knows what he’s saying half the time as he espouses his venom cos half of it doesn’t make sense.

I finally filed the divorce last night, I’ve only told a handful of people. I’m on edge waiting for him to file so thought I’d take some control. Felt empowered last night, but feel increasingly shit this afternoon.

i’ve seen a tarot reader at lunchtime who said all would work out positive for me, but no reconciliation with him. I’ve seen another reader twice, the first time she said he still loved me, the second said I had to let him go for him to come back. I know I shouldn’t put too much faith in tarot but it helps and any port in a storm, I’m desperate to get through this.

sorry for long post, I’m just feeling absolutely shit

Also reading how a lot of the grief is for the destruction of your families - this is totally how I feel. I thought I’d given my daughter a ‘forever family’ after bringing her up on my own, I never thought my husband would be so emotionless and callous as to walk out on his family and I can’t believe I’ve shared everything with this man who now has nothing but pure hatred for me, when it was him who decided to leave the marriage

when will this start to feel better?!

@cakeoverexercise Yes this is exactly it. My H has told me verbatim "I am ready to move on" and who knows if he actually has because he isn't telling me that but I assume so. Meanwhile, I have not moved on in any way yet. I also look forward to him coming home as it provides me comfort even though quite honestly he is not engaged with me or the children. I'm sorry we both have to go through this, but glad we can go through it together.

@Iamnotapotato @Tootiredtosleep Like the others have said, welcome to the club no one wants to be in. But we have all taken comfort in each other and we are all here to support you. It is really sad how similar all these situations. @AloneAgain2023 This is also my experience. My husband says he is "trying" but to him trying means physically being present and that is all. Just the absence of leaving and how that is trying I don't know. But apparently they are all on the same page about that somehow.

@Itisallgoingtobeok You are totally not a terrible wife. It is so hard to resist the narrative and gaslighting but you deserve better. It is really hard to remember that but I sure hope you do. It is also something I have to work on as well.

@Tootiredtosleep This is exactly me too. I think it will be almost impossible for me to move on until we aren't living together anymore. Otherwise it is too hard. I also hate my husband so much but love him so much at the same time. It is definitely odd to feel such conflicting emotions at once but here we are.

@PotsnPan Good question about when will this start to feel better. For me, if I ever start to think about what is actually happening or focus on the undetermined future, I am pretty much despondent. The only way for me to look forward at this point is to again only focus on what I can control. But, it is so so hard. I catch myself sitting in the kitchen with the kids running around and my H there at our house but completely disengaged from me and just starting to cry and then having to force myself to only focus on the task at hand, whatever it is. I am guessing this is the only way to start dealing with things without completely breaking down, at least for me and at least in this moment. Otherwise, everything is just too big.

@ShylaA040404 Thank you, even though I wish none of us was going through this horrendous situation, it definitely helps to know I'm not going though it alone. Today, it's been the little things that have got to me, doing the shopping and realising I don't need to buy certain things any more because only he likes them, doing just mine and the DC's washing. I'm hoping each time this happens it will become easier until eventually it doesn't hurt any more, I agree with you though, I don't think we can move on until they've finally moved out. My H has thrown a curve ball by starting to be nice to me again at times , while still maintaining that he's 100%checked out. This is even more confusing for me as it makes me feel there's some hope (I really know there's not, and I'm not even sure I would want there to be if I'm honest) It's the finality of it all I'm finding so so hard. After 25 years it's really hard to let go of so many old habits. @PotsnPan We have to believe it will get better. I have a feeling it will be like grieving a death - it will be gradual, and we'll learn to live with it rather than get over it.

@Tootiredtosleep I remembered your story of heartbreak and discoveries, you mentioned above you have let him into your life again and yet have taken a step back? Were you trying again? I hope you’re managing okay.
I’m still in the marital home for just a few more weeks, although actually it’s his home now - I’m off the deeds & have the money, so technically I’m just a lodger! He’s actually made quite a few changes re furniture & decor, which I’ve said is a bit insensitive while I’m still here but of course he doesn’t see that, just wrapped up in his own excitement!! 😠 Things are not too bad and it’s reasonably amicable, and I do occasionally think that I’ve moved on a fraction. But there are still moments that I feel sad that it’s come to this and moments where I find the different dynamic between us still quite tough. I took myself out for the day last weekend which was enjoyable enough, but I couldn’t help noticing all the couples happily doing things together😞.
@ShylaA040404 definitely the same for me - as soon as I get to move out, the proper moving on can begin. Even if things are relatively amicable, there is still a real to & fro of feelings - I can be sad, angry, resentful, bitter, and back to sad again in a short space of time.
I really do feel for everyone still stuck living together for however long it takes. I would say it’s practically impossible to move on at all while you’re faced with them every day, seeing them beginning to live a different & separate life.
I don’t know anyone in real life who’s been through it or going through it, so thank god for this forum community!

@cakeoverexercise I know what you mean about the curveball and it throwing you for a loop even though realistically you know there's really no hope. I feel the same. And although I do not want to go back to what we have been, for me right now, I know if my H would just get out of his depression and join the world of the living again we could make things work and be happy. I do need to get out of my fantasy land though, it is no place to be. He saw his therapist yesterday and wants to "talk" so that means I am going to have to face facts soon. The therapists he sees don't agree with him (that some new sexual connection will magically cure his depression) but they do end up encouraging him to take action and not just sit there complaining, depressed and suicidal. @AloneAgain2023 I am 100% with you on seeing happy couples/families and just feeling devastated. I tell myself I have no idea what is going on in their lives, which is true, but all the same it hurts to be reminded of what has been lost. It is interesting, at my and my H's age (late 30s /early 40s) I do know about five or six couples who have split but ALL have unequivocally been the woman's decision, and not in any situation where there is physical abuse or substance abuse or huge money problems or the like. So, I'd like to confide in those people but I feel as though the emotions of it may be slightly different. Does that make sense? I think those people will be a resource for sure in helping with the kids and things like that, but I do feel that when you are the partner who has made the choice to leave, it is a different perspective, even if it is also hard. And, I do have my best friend to confide in but she is happily married so while she is there to support me, I don't think she can "get" it the way you ladies do. This forum has been so helpful to me so I appreciate all of you.

On a new topic, I am having a really hard time concentrating on working. I work full time (from home) in a job that can be demanding but I cannot concentrate on anything. Does anyone have any tips on that? If a deadline has come up I have been able to make myself meet it but other than that I am utterly useless. My job is probably going to be more important than ever so I really need to keep it but I find I am just so distracted and upset I can't make myself do much of anything.

I had the same problem for the first month or so. It seems to be getting a bit better now. I used a "deep work" technique. I pick whatever the next thing I have to do is and set a timer for 30 - 45mins and do nothing but concentrate on that thing. I promise myself that after the timer goes off I can have a break and fall to pieces if I need to. Then I set the timer for another 30mins and repeat. I almost had to train myself to concentrate again.
It's so hard to juggle everything, the practical and the emotional. I'm sending hugs to you..

@ShylaA040404 Re work, one piece of advice I've been given is to give your boss the heads-up about what's going on for you as your productivity will almost certainly go down. I too work from home, but only part time, and am finding it really hard to concentrate. But like you, I know my work will become really important so I need to keep on top of it.

Re. Work - I’m a divorce practitioner!! It’s so difficult but work are being quite supportive - was promoted just before H left, I bet they’re wishing they hadn’t bothered, there’s never any guarantee whether I’ll turn up or not!

@Itisallgoingtobeok @cakeoverexercise @PotsnPan thanks for the advice. The timer actually sounds like a great idea, I am going to start doing that tomorrow. We haven’t told anyone yet and my bosses family has connections to mine so I’m not quite comfortable telling them yet but I know once I do it will be helpful. And wow @PotsnPan Im in the legal field but not in the divorce law area, I’m glad your work is being supportive though, everyone should know first hand how hard it can be.

Wow @PotsnPan talk about irony! @ShylaA040404 yes, I can see your situation makes it difficult. I haven't actually taken my own advice yet and said anything to my boss as it feels a bit final telling him. But I will have to soon as my productivity is definitely falling. I'm actually finding it quite a humiliating exercise telling anyone, as they immediately look at me differently, with slightly pitying eyes, and I hate that! It makes me feel small, vulnerable and unlovable. And I don't really think I'm any of those things in normal times. Anyway, wishing you ladies all a bit of stillness and peace in your hearts as I once again try, and probably fail, to get a good night's sleep!

Morning all - this is the first morning I haven't woken up and instantly started sobbing. I'm calling that progress. How is everyone else today?
Hugs to all.

@Itisallgoingtobeok that’s brilliant, it’s deffo progress. My anxiety seems to be a little less of a morning now but still there and I’ve had a meltdown this morning, been arguing with DD since last night.

I’ve now found out that despite my H insisting he’s happier now he’s out of here, and getting on brilliantly with his mum (who is the source of a lot of his problems), that my DD went for tea last night and said it was a horrible atmosphere and that he was bickering with his mum. So this sends my head into a spin, trying to work out what’s going on in his head and why he’s lying all the time - and if he’s lying about his mum,and saying one thing but meaning another, then does he really mean it that he doesn’t love me and wants a divorce?

although I wouldn’t know this, as he’s continuing to act as though I don’t exist

sorry for lengthy post, just having a bad morning. Hate weekends

@PotsnPan I really feel your pain as I've done the same thing of getting all gnarled up in trying to work out what H is thinking/feeling. Then persuading myself there's still a chance. In my saner moments, I realise that I'll never quite know what is going on in there, so the only thing to do is take the focus off him and put it firmly back on myself. What do I want? Perhaps it might help you to try and do the same? I can't say I've managed it yet, but that's my goal! Sending you hugs and strength.

I’m really struggling today ladies - not as low as I’ve been in that I’m not wanting to hurt myself, but I feel as though I’m dying inside, feel physically ill. Took the day off work because we were supposed to be going a concert so come shopping with my daughter and I’m just a mess. Can’t stop looking at random strangers to see whether they’re wearing wedding rings, can’t stop this guilt I feel on my daughter to the point I’m pushing her away. I miss myself, I feel as though I have died inside. When will this get better? I’m told that it will, but when?

@ShylaA040404 its didn’t make much difference to him. He says that it felt like me and the counsellor were ganging up on him- he does not take criticism well, but it helped me a lot. He says I’m making him out to be a monster and that’s unfair.
i don’t feel I was doing that- I appreciate it’s lots of my mistakes too, but unless something drastically changed it was always going to fail. So we’ve agreed trial separation but I feel like I’ve been separate from him for some time anyway. I feel as if I just want to move on now, which then makes me instantly feel terrible and what an awful person and a selfish mum. He keeps bringing up that I’ll be hurting our daughter in the process 🤦🏼‍♀️ I feel horrible.
hope you guys are all doing as well as you can x

@PotsnPan I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time today. I'm really struggling too. I can't bear being at home because everything reminds me of him, and I can't bear being out because all I see are couples holding hands and being part of something. It's an intensely lonely feeling. I really don't know when/if it will get better. I'm nearly 3 weeks in, which is no time compared to some of the ladies on here, but the thought of this pain going on for months, maybe years, is really unbearable. I know what you mean about a part of you having died inside. I feel exactly the same, like I'll never get me back again. Sorry, not really the words of comfort I wanted to offer you, but just know you're not alone with your pain. Xxx