A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@AloneAgain2023 I totally get that. I have a gut feeling my H has cheated too but I don't have access to his phone at all he's always been intensely private (maybe that should have been a sign) and honestly since I don't have any clues like you do, I don't want to know. However, I don't understand this inability for them to just be honest, and it has the intended effect of making us feel crazy doesn't it?

My H has created this whole narrative that he always had doubts about our relationship and never actually loved me. That he just continued on for 17 years, married me, had three kids with me, and built a life with me completely miserable and just hoping for the best. And, when I confronted him with things he wrote me like I was his "one true love" and "he couldn't live with out me" and the usual love notes and cards I still have, he told me that he wanted things to get better, but didn't mean it. So now he wants me to believe that our entire 17 year relationship was a complete lie, it drives me insane. If that is true how could I ever trust anyone again, I must be the worst judge of character ever.

Needless to say, I am furious with him right now. Although it does have a nice unintended effect of making me never want to be with him ever again. He told me the other day that I "would have no trouble dating" and I almost went crazy.

I hope everyone is having a relaxing and relatively stress free end to the weekend.

@Hellofuture9 Thank you so much for this post, it is so inspiration and hopeful to me and I know I will revisit it when times get though, it is much appreciated!

My H cannot take any kind of criticism, or even someone having a different opinion to him. I had thought it was just him, but maybe not. It meant living with him as almost impossible. The slightest hint of dissent and things went down hill really quickly.

@Hellofuture9 - thank you for your inspirational and supportive post. I am sorry you had to go through all of that. Some of what you say resonates with me. My H also says I am boring in bed, that he’s bored with his life (ie. Me).

I have also been spurred on by his hurtful comments and have spent the last week or so getting my health and fitness back on track. I am trying to find some positives in all of this so I can face the future, which does look pretty bleak at the moment.

Sending hugs to all.

I am feeling very hurt again today. I think this is because yesterday I sat down and wrote down all the reasons I left and can’t go back. H is being very lovely to me again, and I need to recognise that this is part of the abuse cycle and not be taken in by it. The fact that I had to dump stuff in the car and run should say it all.

The thing that hurt the most is that he says that he has been unhappy from the beginning. I don’t really believe it, but it is so painful I can’t think about it without crying.

I hope everyone else is doing OK today, and hugs to all.

Hi everyone, sadly it's time for me to join this club. We've done a year of couples counselling and our own private therapy and I thought real progress was being made, but apparently not, and H ended it yesterday. I am gutted, absolutely eviscerated, and like many of you don't recognise this cruel man.
I am an extremely practical person but can't bring myself to start thinking about how it's all going to work as I feel like I'm drowning in sadness, but he seems much further down the road, which also hurts. We have 2 young children who are going to be destroyed.

Hello to all. I disappeared for a while. Just too much on. Have been reading though and checking in.

@AloneAgain2023. I didn't take him back, no. But I have seen him a few times. I've allowed him to the house. I've asked him questions about why he's done this, over and over again. All he ever says is, 'I'm weak', 'You'll never know how sorry I am', 'I've lost everything' etc, on repeat. No explanation. The only thing I can agree on is, he's weak. The girls are repairing their relationship with him. Whilst I know this is for the best, for them. It hurts. It hurts that I was there for them every day for the last 4 months, after he caused all this pain and hurt. Now he's back and being fun Dad again. I wish I didn't feel this way, and I don't tell them. But I hate how easily he's been forgiven by them. I know I need to go no contact, but I find it so very hard.

I too am mid-fifties. I don't think I will ever re-enter the dating pool! I'd rather have a peaceful life on my own. How could I ever trust anyone again? Ten whole years of my life have been a lie. It's unbelievably cruel to do that to someone. To pretend you are the perfect husband and dad, and be neither of those things.

He has agreed to everything I have asked financially. He's paying over and above what he should to ensure we can stay in our house. He's doing everything he can, out of guilt. But there is no going back. He knows that, and agrees as much as me. The OW is definitely out of the picture, this I know for sure. So, it was all for nothing.

@WhatNowBeryl. I remember your thread, and our messages. How are you now? How are things going?

@Hellofuture9 thank for so much for writing that positive post! It gives me some hope.

I've got a new job in a school, with more money and I start this in September. So, a fresh new start. I think I will look to move around that time too. Hopefully, a bright future ahead. We can only wish! I've had some very dark, difficult days. But on we plod .. !

Thanks for listening everyone. Hope you all have a lovely day.

@NewPhase23 Welcome to the club no one wants to join. I'm here for any help and advice you need. x

@Tootiredtosleep you've got some positive things on the horizon, that's great. It must be really hard to see that relationship with your children rebuilding, but they're able to do that safely because of the stability and love you've given them in this period.

On my side, we'd decided to cancel this week's counselling but have agreed that it's worth going ahead with now. Previously I would have taken that as a glimmer of hope, but now I'm protecting myself against being hurt again. Whatever, we need to do what comes next amicably for the kids.

Hello
Can I join in please for hand hold. I'm 1.5 years post separation. I have a 5 yo DS who mainly lives with me and sees Ex H three times a week which includes 1 overnight. We are amicable as far as possible. We have a fortunate life, both good incomes and DS is thriving at home and school. However I mainly go from feeling exhausted by the daily grind, feeling a sense of relief, to feeling wracked with guilt and anxiety for what the future holds. Ex and I do not communicate well so we've never even really discussed the separation. He acts like nothing has happened, like we were never married. I do feel the need for closure but I've given up a bit trying to talk to him for now.

@NewPhase23 Welcome. I was in exactly your position around 3 weeks ago. We'd only done about 6 sessions of marriage guidance when he ended it. He didn't even really give it a chance after 25 years together. I completely understand that feeling of being eviscerated and drowning in sadness. It's utterly shocking seeing someone you once relied on, and who you thought totally had your back, turn into a cruel, callous person who can seemingly just walk away without a second glance. My children are older than yours, late teens, and we still haven't broken the news, but they too will be devastated. I'm still desperately trying to find a silver lining to all this, but I'm not sure there is one. So sorry you had to join us.

@NewPhase23. Thank you. The new job is a big thing for me, as I’m settled and comfortable in my current job. But I need a fresh start. Thank you too for saying I gave them stability. I have really tried.

I understand what you mean about the glimmers of hope. I too have had those, then I have to give myself a talking to, as I can’t go back.

@cakeoverexercise I hear you about the person you thought would always have your back, changing before your eyes. If someone had told me last year that this would be my life I’d have laughed at them, yet here we are! It’s a trauma like no other. I don’t know if I will ever recover. I hope your teens are okay. If it’s any consolation mine didn’t take it as bad as I thought they would. They’ve been quite mature about it.

@Buninthecorner welcome x

@Tootiredtosleep you are right, it is an absolute trauma. I suppose this part of life, like death. I think this will be one of the hardest things I go through, without a doubt, and sure you are all the same. I am trying to zoom out and see this as part of life , as hard as that is. I can feel myself getting stronger, being forced to face things about myself and also being forced to take responsibility for things I didn’t before that I would have left to him. Six months ago I found it really hard to have my kids on my own for a week, now I am doing it all the time and surviving . I think we should all focus on how strong we are, if we can, and how well we are doing by just managing to get up and face the day each day. I don’t want this to steal my future and, in my stronger moments , I am determined to come out of this better.

Sending hope and strength to you all - remember to focus on YOURSELVES and not what these bat shit crazy men are doing and why. We won’t ever know and that is ok, one day it won’t matter.

Really need a handhold this morning. H is being awful. I can't bring myself to write it down. I'm sat here sobbing and need to pull myself together and go to work. This is awful.
I hope everyone else is hanging on ok. Hugs to all.

@Itisallgoingtobeok Bless you, that's so tough. I'm so sorry he's making you feel this way. Just breathe, remember you're strong and, as your name says, it really is all going to be ok. Massive hug from me, hang on in there.

@Itisallgoingtobeok been there so many times. It’s so difficult. I’ll say what people said to me at the time - You can do it. Think about yourself. How strong you are. You are worth so much more. You’re a strong woman!

Here to listen when you’re feeling ready to talk about it.

@cakeoverexercise and @Tootiredtosleep - thank you 😊 I'm clinging on by my fingernails at the moment...

How are the now @Itisallgoingtobeok ? Did you manage to go to work?

@Tootiredtosleep - thank you for checking on me :)

I made it to work although got some odd looks on the train as I was trying not to bawl my eyes out. I feel a bit better now I'm here. I'm really struggling with the level of abuse now. It was bad before I left, and now it is just as bad, but different.

How are you doing today?

Hi All, need to catch up as being taking a break but so fed up right now.

my husband/partner of 13 years has now ghosted me - is going thru my 20 yr old daughter to pass messages onto me, but also telling her things about the financial aspect of our divorce/separation or arranging to meet up with her, but telling her not to tell me, which she isn’t telling me for fear of upsetting me (I’m suffering badly with my MH but hopefully making slow steps to recover).

it’s causing a rift with my DD who tells me that our break up is his fault, that she knows his behaviour is completely unreasonable but won’t say anything to him as she’s worried that he’ll then cut her out of his life too. He’s her stepdad, brought her up with me since she was 7, but seeing as I’m the one who’s been left with all the responsibility of rehoming us, and my MH, whilst he’s living the single life at his mum’s, I would have expected some loyalty from her - I appreciate she’s very much stuck in the middle as he keeps threatening to walk off on her if she expresses her unhappiness to him

he’d even told her he was having a letter sent to me last week and told her not to tell me, and she didn’t! He’s even booked her 21st without any knowledge or input from me.

just having a rant - how can someone who’s been so caring and intimate with you ghost you after 13 years, a life, home, marriage and child together?

@PotsnPan - this sounds awful, using your DD like that is dreadful. I have given up trying to understand what is going through my H's head. It is completely incomprehensible to me that he can treat someone he married so badly. I don't think there is any working them out and I am trying to look at it as a waste of my precious energy to try. It's not easy though. I'm sending hugs.

@Itisallgoingtobeok i need to catch up with your posts - I’ve not been very well mentally these last few months so try to avoid MN at times.

I’m finding it hard to reconcile the man I have loved with who he has become and it’s for that reason I can’t accept the end of the marriage as I feel that my husband is suffering some kind of mental health situation, but I need to look after myself and my DD

remind me, how long have you been separated? When does it start getting better and you can forget them?!

@Itisallgoingtobeok I am so sorry you are having a hard day. I'm glad you made it to work and are feeling a little bit better. Some days are so hard and I am just hoping for all of us at some point that the easier days out number the hard ones, but until then sending hugs and support to you. You are definitely not alone in this.

@PotsnPan This sounds so difficult that he is using your DD like that and I am so sorry you have to go through that on top of everything else. It is so unfair of him to feed her information and tell her not to tell you, there is no excuse for that sort of behavior. And, I agree with you 100%, one of the most difficult things is trying to reconcile the person you married and thought you knew with the way they are acting now. It really almost defies logic for me. I hope that you are able to find some peace and hopefully focus on yourself as best you can. I know it is not easy at all so I'm sending you support.

@Itisallgoingtobeok How are you doing today?