A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@camedowntothewire thats probably true. It’s so good that you were able to have a third party tell him that, did it help him understand it better? Honestly, my H is very smart and can twist anything around. If I bring up any concerns it’s always “we can make our own path forward” or like this person he knows did it this way so clearly what he wants is reasonable. That’s why it’s always helpful for me to hear from others that what my I feel is also reasonable and/or what he is saying is unreasonable. Honestly, I’ll take either one!

@ShylaA040404 I agree that it’s baffling & painful how men can seemingly just completely switch off and apparently feel nothing, however long the relationship has been. Mine is fond of telling me how he ‘checked out’ a long time ago, and if I had done something terrible or behaved really badly towards him, I could understand that. But I didn’t. He just fell out of love & no longer wants to be with me. But you would have thought there would be some empathy somewhere?
@camedowntothewire that’s something I’ve always struggled with - when I go over things in my mind or talk to people, it makes total sense and I have real clarity. But when I used to then try and put it to the husband, it sounded so much weaker and he would make me question myself. It was always incredibly frustrating.

@AloneAgain2023 yes this is exactly it. I don’t get it. My H tells me I should also see other people during his fantasy separation. It doesn’t bother him. He wants me to do it he says. Maybe I’m living in a fantasy land, since a month ago I thought my marriage could weather anything. The thought of him with other women literally hurts but he’s so cool with it. I honestly feel like I could be on fire next to him and he would just sort of shrug his shoulders. It’s so hard for me to reconcile this with the man who has been there for me through thick and thin the last 17 years. And I’m the same as you, I could have been a better wife sure but I haven’t done anything terrible. I also think what marriage means to me and means to him are two different things. I’d rather him be angry than this cold indifference it’s just so hard so I’m sending support your way too, one minute at a time as we try to get through this.

@camedowntothewire - I also understand when you say you end up feeling responsible for the marriage failure. It takes two to keep a marriage going so I am not going to shy away from that, but for my H there is a complete lack of recognition that some of what he has done has been truly awful, including coercion, which he then says is my fault, he was frustrated with me so had to do it. In the cold hard might of day I can see this for what it is, but when I talk to him I find it hard to argue. He's very persuasive. We're in a love bombing phase now where it is all hearts and flowers. I'm not returning though. As much as my heart is breaking I can not go back to a man who blames me for the abuse he is dishing out to me.

The gaslighting sounds very hard to deal with. I've experienced quite a lot of that too, when I mention something that happened and get total denials. Very disorientating.

I have been thinking though that I really want to try and stop thinking about him, the past etc. Many of us are discussing relationships where it seems our spouse is going to twist everything to suit their own narrative and we will drive ourselves crazy trying to definitively understand what's right and true and who they really are.

I am proposing an experiment - no obligation for anyone else to participate but I'm curious how it might change our posts here - where we try to talk primarily about what we want. Not what they want or have done or are thinking.

I think my wants from a relationship are pretty simple. I want to be with someone who loves and desires me and who shows their love in both small and significant ways. I want to be in a relationship where I am not plagued with doubts about whether they love me or whether I am truly happy. I want a relationship where we work as a team towards a shared future. I want to live soemwhere that I love. I want to have fun and friends and social life. I want to live a full life.

I feel like those are pretty reasonable requests but I honestly don't have any of them in this marriage. So why do I keep looking back and angsting? I wonder if the gaslighting aspect is a big reason - our minds get tied up in these loops of trying to understand and reconcile the contradictions (our belief that they love us vs their actions/words) and we spent all our time on that rather than recognising how bad the dynamics really are and how trapped we are within them (and how much better life might be outside them)

@harlemriver - I like your thinking. Defining what we want for ourselves is really key to getting on with things. I have a feeling I'm still in shock and part of that is making sense of what has happened. I am starting to realise that I will never make sense though. I think your approach might help.

Sending hugs to all.

Morning all,
last night we had our first couples counselling session. It went ok, no bombshells, but it really frustrated me that H wasn’t 100% honest. Nothing major, but little things like saying he has not health issues (when he does have a lot), and saying he wouldn’t class his ex as a significant relationship that has any bearing on us (I’m a step mum and she has made things very very difficult over the years so it was upsetting that he just minimised the whole thing). He doesn’t want us to split, he wants to work at making things right, but he has no suggestions on what he would like to change.
I’m exhausted. I feel like fixing it is all on me and tbh, I don’t want to do that. I mean I want to try, I think we owe it to each other and our dc to give it everything we can, but I don’t want to do it all by myself.
we then had a chat afterwards but I asked a question that he refused to answer (and then twisted back on to me) I realised this will never work. If we can’t be 100% open and honest then there is no future and I told him that on the way home. So now he’s gone back to lovebombing again and being the perfect husband. I just can’t figure it all out.
whiplash is the best metaphor I’ve heard to describe this rollercoaster.

but what I want: I want to feel important, I want to feel like he worships the ground I walk on like I’m some sexual goddess, I want to hold hands and cuddle up, I want to be kissed on the forehead, I want to laugh and be silly, I want to dance around the kitchen when the kids are all in bed, I want complete honesty and openness, I want to feel supported financially and emotionally. I want him to ask how my day was, and I mean really ask - not just a “had a good day?” in passing, but actually asking what I did, what happened, showing a real interest.

@CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease - I have the same problem with my H twisting things back on me. It is done quite aggressively to shut me down, and frankly it works. I never worked out how to deal with it. I am no longer living with him, and although we do still communicate I am constantly on edge.

I was thinking about what I want. I have lived so long with emotional absue, and what I am now realising is sexual coercion, that I have forgotten what a good relationship looks like. I am coming to the conclusion that I need years to get over this and so what I want is a safe place to live my life in as gentle a way as possible. If I never have another relationship, I don't think I care.

Is anyone else feeling the impact of the separation physically as well as emotionally? I feel as though a vice is around my heart. That sounds so corny when I write it down, but I can't think of another way to describe it.

Ah, poor you @Itisallgoingtobeok . Take heart in your user name. It really will all be ok and it sounds as though your life will be very much better apart. And yes, I'm also feeling this very much in my body. A pit in my stomach that won't go away, fast heart rate, dry mouth, a sense of panic. One book I read talked about the physical consequences of separation of a primary bond - apparently it is perceived in the brain as a survival threat and we are now in a fight/flight state that definitely is physical as well as emotional and intellectual.

Hi all,

i have had a difficult day today as had to get in touch with ex and ask for more money, which led to a horrible, cold text exchange and threw me.

Anyway, I love your suggestion @harlemriver about focusing on what we want. Mine are not even relationship based wants, they are just what I would like to feel better right now.

I’d like to feel calm, secure and positive about my financial situation. I’d like to go out and see people more and be invited round more so it’s not just me and kids each evening. I’d like to spend time out of the house and with other people to distract me. I’d like to be in a position where I can communicate with him and stay calm, and even see him in person and or not send me into a tailspin. I’d like to detach and move on and not be pining for the past. I’d like to feel loved and cared for again.

@harlemriver This is a great idea. And, it also shows me how far I am from being able to be in another relationship because I have a really hard time answering it at the moment. But, all the same it is really good and positive way to focus energy so I will definitely be thinking about it. @Grounded03 My wants right now are like yours, more self focused and less relationship focused. I would like to take active steps to feel less lonely whether that is reaching out to friends or starting new activities. I would also like to work on not letting my Hs mood, attitude and harsh behavior affect me as much. I would like to feel comfortable and secure in myself and without him.

@Itisallgoingtobeok 100% yes. Sometimes I catch myself when I'm walking around doing something just sort of touching where my heart is because it hurts so bad. I was probably a teenager the last time I had this sort of heartbreak (and this circumstance is way more intense) so I forgot how bad it literally also hurts physically.

@Itisallgoingtobeok Yes, I'm totally feeling it physically. My heart actually hurts and my stomach is in knots. I'm really struggling today. H (who is still living with us) has announced he's away now until next week. It's just brought it home to me full force that he just won't be here at weekends any more. It's the only time we ever did things as a family, going out for breakfast, or dinner, maybe going for a walk. Now it will just be me trying to find ways of getting the teens out of their rooms and doing something more constructive. It won't be any fun going for dinner just the three of us, with the empty space, it will just be too sad. Likewise walks, or beach visits which H always organised. I just feel so sad that a huge part of my life is gone and I'm left to manage two teens on my own. Sorry, I want to take @harlemriver 's advice and think about what I want. But I know what I DON'T want, and that's to be alone, left trying to find things to fill the time every weekend, being reminded of what we used to do together. I have no other family to fall back on, and the whole summer holidays stretching out ahead of me. I'm at my lowest ebb right now. The future feels very very bleak.

@harlemriver , @ShylaA040404 and @cakeoverexercise - I', so sorry that you are also in this pain. I didn't realise until @ShylaA040404 mentioned it, but I too touch my heart. I am not having a good afternoon. I have just written down all the reasons I left and now I have a horrible mixture of extreme anger and sadness. I am furious that he has treated me this way and then tried to blame me. Maybe this is a step forward.

Hugs to all.

@cakeoverexercise I have really thought about the fact that there are two things that I am mourning here, and I think it is the same for you. The first is the relationship between you and your H, which is gutwrenching in of itself of course, but the second is the fact that your family will never be the same. I too have these thoughts about how our family will never be whole again and those really kill me because while I do think it is true sometime in the very distant future I may be able to have a healthy relationship with someone else (or at least there is hope for that), there is no hope to have my kids and my husband and I together again in the same way that we were. And there is no real replacement for what we have lost. So for me that thought is equally as hard as mourning the relationship between my husband and I, if not harder because I feel like I am letting my kids down. So I am with you I really have to try very hard not to think about that becuase right now it is the thing that causes me to downward spiral the most by far.

@Itisallgoingtobeok I'm so sorry you are having a hard afternoon. I am hoping for you that writing all of the reasons down will end up being cathartic and something that helps you get the emotions out in order to move past them in whatever way you can.

@ShylaA040404 Thank you, yes you're absolutely right. There are so many strands to the sadness in all of this. But the biggest one for me is the loss of our family time together (even though H had not given us much of that of late). My relationship with H had more or less disappeared, so I can just about cope with that, if I don't think about how wonderful we were at the start all those years ago, but losing our foursome hurts like hell. Weekends now feel aimless with time to fill, rather than a letting go after the week, How on earth will I fill the summer holidays? The DC don't know what's going on yet, but I know they're going to be devastated. The pain of that is almost unbearable. Especially when H can just waltz off for days/weeks at a time, leaving me to deal with the fallout.

@cakeoverexercise For sure. I feel like we are on the same wavelength. If I think about it what I am really mourning with my H it is both (1) the past and (2) what I think we could have if we worked on our relationship or both wanted to be in it. Like you, I am not mourning the present. So, in that way it is easier. If I think about that part logically, it has been a year or two since he has given me too much of anything apart from his physical presence so I too can about cope with that although I won't say it is easy. I know that one we physically separate my husband won't be with the kids as much and that will be hard for them and me and like you I expect to be here alone shouldering the fallout while he's off doing who knows what.

We are about half way through the summer here and I feel the same as you. My kids don't know anything either and they are quite a bit younger so are not as likely to infer from circumstances anything is amiss. I think about things we are already signed up to do as a family in a months time and wonder if he will even be there. I also dread the fall and school starting and all the sports and obligations and wonder how I will get through it alone. I really don't have high expectations of my H's involvement without me pushing him. I'm not saying he's a bad father, because he is not, but I just think he doesn't want the burden of children right now. He's alluded to the fact that maybe he's like this estranged uncle he has who abandoned his wife and family. I think right now that sounds really good to him and it really worries me for the kids. And, this is why (other than the time spent writing this) I am trying not to focus on that. I know I shouldn't be trying to "predict the future" but it does help me to know I am not alone in worrying about that so thank you for that.

@cakeoverexercise @Grounded03 @Itisallgoingtobeok @ShylaA040404 @harlemriver like so many others, the physical pain is sometimes crushing. Even though it’s now 4 months since the decision to separate was made, I still catch myself at various times of the day or night thinking about what will now no longer happen - the days out, the cinema trips, the meals, the TV etc etc. Unfortunately we are still living together for now, and so like you @cakeoverexercise , I have to watch stbxh going out, making plans etc. He’s gone out tonight for example, is going out tomorrow, and is away at the weekend, so this constant reminder of our now separate lives is right in my face. @ShylaA040404 it is absolutely true and really worth trying to remember as often as possible, we are mourning the relationship from the PAST not the one from the PRESENT (or recent present).
I have no children so it’s one complication less, but as some of you have been saying, there are holes in our lives that seem very empty during weekends & evenings. I’m not someone who has a large group of friends, and I’m very much a one on one type person which is why I enjoyed being married. Now my life going forward feels so much smaller. I am pretty good in my own company and don’t mind doing things alone, but having spent 18 years doing things & going places with someone, it’s going to be a big adjustment back again.

@ShylaA040404 Yes, it does sound like we're very much in the same boat. You're right about not mourning the present. If I really stop and think about it, he hasn't been mentally, emotionally or even physically present for a good couple of years now. It's just so hard to let go of the ideal of the past though, and also the good bits of family life. The difficulty is that he's moved on mentally and emotionally, and I haven't. I need to get up to speed on that to feel better, but it's so difficult with him still living here part time. I stupidly look forward to him coming home, but then am so disappointed when there's still no emotional connection and he just hotfoots it off again. And it kills ne what that's doing to the DC, even though they're nearly grown up now. I too worry that once he leaves for good, we won't see him for dust. But it is really good to know I'm not alone in this, so thank you for your support.

Can I please join the club? My husband told me last year that he didn’t love me anymore. Initially said he’d work on our relationship but of course his idea of working on our relationship and mine were very different. He just wanted to be ‘happy’ wouldn’t do nights/days out etc and has been steadily distancing himself from me.

He now wants a divorce and wants to tell the children and move out over summer. I am obviously devastated after more than 20 years together and 16 years of marriage. The kids will be devastated too but he thinks they’ll be fine as kids are resilient. If I try to say they might not be (as a child of divorce myself) and that I’m not ok I’m accused of emotional manipulation.

So much of what you’ve all written above resonates with me. The looking forward to him coming home but then it being strained and so different to how it once was. It’s so hard to see the man that once loved you so much turn into a complete stranger.

Love and hugs to all of you in this club that nobody wants to be in.

Hi, can I join the thread please?! Been following for a while, and can feel all your pain and also, your strength.

DH left 4 months ago, and it’s been one horrible revelation after another. I had my own thread at the time. I found out at the beginning of May he’d been having an affair for 10 years, on and off. I had no idea. He was the sweetest, kindest husband, who would have done anything for me. He loved me and the girls so much. It’s extremely hard to get my head around it.

I too am mourning the loss of our family unit. The past. The good times, the holidays. Then double whammy, thinking, was it all just a lie.

My girls are going to be fleeing the nest soon. I’ve wasted 25 years of my life on him. I’m now old, fat and feel completely unlovable. I’ll never have that connection again. That shared history. Yes, it’s a physical pain.

I do have some good days. DH is trying to do the right thing. But there’s no going back. I have to sell the house, downsize and start over on my own.

Sorry for the pity party! It’s a hard day today.

Wishing us all strength and courage xx

@Iamnotapotato I’d like to say welcome, but it isn’t really is it!😞 I’m so sorry you’re going through all these things too. Isn’t it amazing how their idea of ‘working on’ the relationship is simply just staying for a while longer and thinking that’s enough?

It really is so hard seeing this different person & different relationship right in front of your eyes - exactly as you say, they’re now practically strangers.

Lots of thoughts and 💐 to you, I’m sure you’ll find all the support on here helpful in some way, it’s a great place to really vent. Just knowing how many are in the same / similar situation definitely helps.

@Tootiredtosleep Oh gosh, I read your thread and you also had some kind words for me on mine. I’m so sorry that you’re still having a tough time. I have to head out to work now, but I’ll post again later to you. We’re 100% allowed to be in a pity party!! 💐