A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@harlemriver great to hear that you have been offered the cottage, it sounds like an opportunity for a new start. I think it’s inevitable to have mixed feelings about a change like that, it’s probably not somewhere you ever imagined yourself in life. Hopefully the change will keep you busy and prove to be a gateway to a new future.

I am having terrible trouble sleeping and it’s really getting me down. As soon as I get into bed all these thoughts if my ex pop into my head. I’ve tried over the counter sleeping tablets but they don’t always work so I am going to have to try something else as it’s really getting me down. I wish I could just delete him from my brain.

I’m so pleased for you @harlemriver that you got your cottage 🤗. It really will give you a distraction as you are thinking about, & then doing, all the things you want to do to it & where you’re going to put things. I feel that’s what will happen for me as & when I finally get into my flat - things to do / things to change / things to buy etc. Hopefully a good distraction.

I’m definitely with you in still having these moments of disbelief and ‘how the hell has all this happened to me!’. The fear of the future is I’m sure very normal in these situations, and things are going to feel very alien to us moving ahead alone. Those sad moments still come to me too, having to make decisions large and small, and only me to make them. It brings up huge sadness and worry. I guess all we can try and do is not think too far ahead and just take each challenge as it comes. I do have a habit of looking way too far ahead - thinking myself into old age and what will happen to me with no children to look after me!! I must stop doing that as it’s incredibly overwhelming, and rather premature!!

And thank you for your words too. A healing retreat sounds heavenly, but I’m trying to preserve my ‘pot’ as much as I can for the next few months & years.

Keep us up to date when you finally get into your cottage. 👏

That’s great news @harlemriver about your cottage! I hope it becomes a wonderful haven for you.

I’ve been very up and down. Felt very angry yesterday and told him I accepted we were over and didn’t even want him back anymore because he’s hurt me so much. I think that upset him. He has said often he still loves me. He’s not the sort of person to feel like he needs to keep me on the backburner, I think in his mind he’s setting me free too. But I do think he was upset. And that made me so sad.

Because of course I still love him and want him back. I want him back more than anything. But it’s dawning on me I can’t get him back even if he wanted to fix things. I wouldn’t be able to trust he really meant it.

I miss him so much.

@harlemriver congratulations!!! I'm so happy for you. Even though you have mixed emotions, this will probably bring you what you need over time. Keep busy in it and make it a project!! I'm sure though it'll be a rollercoaster for you as it's a whole new chapter.

@RandomDepressedPun I know this feeling to well, it doesn't make it any easier either unfortunately. I think I actually find it harder. My OH keeps saying he would love to reconcile, loves me etc but then ignores my WhatsApps, won't talk and rushes off when collecting son, completely avoidant with it all.

We are actually going counselling tonight (supposed to be) it's our first time talking in 6months, but Ive actually asked him several times what he wants to get out of it and he said he doesn't know, also wanted to cancel it because I don't think I can bare anymore pain. I don't think it helped that he said the things I say you might think I'm a bad person and not want to be with me - mind obviously went to, he has cheated etc.

To be honest I don't know whether it will bring me closure, reconcilation (or whether I want that, or it's to late and it now hurts what happened) I know one thing this journey just seems like the unknown which ever way I turn.

I just want off the ride now.

That’s just it @Mirrorbright - that feeling of wanting off this ride. I feel we are in similar situations and it’s all so confusing and doesn’t make sense. I do wonder if my husband has fallen out of love with me but is in denial. He’s just made such a huge gamble because no matter what, life for us all (him included) will be much much worse for an indefinite length of time. All the things he was unhappy about, enough so to want to end the marriage, will actually get worse for him now he’s left (less money, risking causing our asd son a lot of emotional harm, the lack of freedom to go out and do things being down to those two factors and not me preventing him - none of this makes any sense. He hardly has anyone to talk to except me (despite me and my family trying really hard to facilitate some free time for him) and I think he’s gotten depressed and maybe even had a breakdown, unable to bring himself to talk to me (he has BIG issues about opening up) and he’s been mulling these feelings of unhappiness around with no one to give him an outside perspective and now he’s snapped and made this desperate decision. He’s somehow convinced our son will be fine with it soon enough - let me tell you, ds will NOT be fine and he knows it. He’s always been such a devoted dad. And the issues he had with our marriage were all relatively minor or fixable, but he’s prepared to just give up. It really hurts, especially because I was also going through the same hardships and felt we were supporting each other and would get through them in time. To be blunt - I didn’t give up on him. Never in a million years did I think he’d walk awaY from me like that.

I feel like everything from the last two decades has been destroyed and I have no happy places left any more. All the things I treasured and all my happiest memories are too entwined with him. If I had known it would end like this, i don’t think I would have got together with him.

@harlemriver I just wanted to drop in and say huge congratulations on getting your cottage. This is your new beginning, and I truly hope you have much happiness in your new home. You started something amazing with this thread. There are lots of us on here that feel a support and kinship we maybe don't have in real life, so you've already made something positive come out of a really sad situation. You're bound to have mixed feelings about taking this next step, but I hope your overriding feeling is one of excitement at whatever may lie ahead. Big hugs. X

Please can I join in here? I found out about a week ago that my husband was messaging someone else. Things came to a head and he has told me he no longer loves me. Our relationship had been rocky for about a year but I thought we were trying to work it out but looking back, he checked out a while ago and just didn’t manage to tell me. So I’m devastated and not coping particularly well and he is already organising things in his head as to who has what etc. It’s moving way too quickly for me but all I can do is cry.

@harlemriver well done and congrats on the cottage - you can really begin to heal once you’re in there.

@RandomDepressedPun when things don’t make sense it usually means we don’t have all the facts.

@HappyasLarrynot I'm so sorry you're going through such an awful time. You're still in the very early stages of shock, so just do whatever you need to do to get you through. We've all been there, and I really remember those early days being particularly difficult, as everything you've known makes no sense any more. It seems to be a theme with men, in particular, checking out long before they actually admit to wanting out. That was certainly the case with my ex. And sadly, we often don't see it till after the fact. Stay strong and try to keep a clear head. Don't let him rush you into making hasty decisions about anything. We're all here for you. Hugs. X

Well @Didsomeonesaydogs that’s the thing isn’t it! I don’t think there is someone else, I really don’t - but I’m not stupid enough to think 100% there isn’t anyone. He isn’t the type to do that, he really isn’t - but I’m not naive. I didn’t think he’d be capable of leaving me or our son, and here we are.

The pressures we had on our life have long been enormous (although I would have said our relationship was the one saving grace!) He is also extremely isolated (by his own nature he is very shy and doesn’t have any real life friends, although I have always encouraged him to do things to rectify this). So my thoughts are, in order of likelihood-

a) Nervous breakdown and making a desperate choice to try and fix it (and in denial about it)
b) Actually doesn’t love me any more but doesn’t want to admit it
c) He’s had enough, feels we don’t work as a couple anymore and is generally unhappy (his reason)
d) His brother living the dream life in another country, with no serious issues to consider and who recently came to visit, has given dh a ‘grass is greener’ jealousy
e) He’s met someone else online

I do think he will regret his choice and not fighting for the marriage. I do also have enormous sympathy for his feeling burnt out, he has done so much. I hope he will be ok too. He’s a good man.

Hugs to you @HappyasLarrynot - so much of what you wrote is the same as me. Just cry until there are no tears left. Just over 3 weeks in and I’m no longer crying 24/7 and I didn’t think that would ever happen!! But crying has to be done, you owe it to yourself to let it out xxx

@RandomDepressedPun thank you - sorry you’re having a shit time also x

@cakeoverexercise thank you. I know exactly what you mean - everything has just completed changed. I sent a text earlier asking one question about practicalities and he’s ignored it. Normally he’d reply fairly quickly but it’s like I don’t matter anymore. But for the first time in all of this I actually feel like it’s his loss so maybe a tiny step forwards.

@HappyasLarrynot Yes, that is exactly what happened to me. Overnight I became unimportant in his life. Before we would text, phone or have some form of contact every day, even if he was away with work (which latterly became more and more frequent). That's where the shock lies, realising you just don't matter to them any more. It's soul destroying at the time, but 5 months in, it really doesn't bother me any more, and I'm slowly learning to rely just on me. It takes a hell of a lot of adjustment, and I'm not there yet, but I know I will get there, and so will you. It's very early days, so just be as kind to yourself as you can. X

@cakeoverexercise it’s just horrible isn’t it? And thank you. Glad you are getting somewhere. I just don’t get how men can detach so quickly.

@HappyasLarrynot welcome to the group although I am so sorry you have to be here. I never thought I’d be further along from the early days when I found this thread, but here I am, 3 1/2 months on and I no longer sob on waking or throughout the day.

It is horrific. A massive awful shocking blow to you. As others have said, you are in shock. If you can, do what you can to protect yourself and help yourself - eg tell work you need time off, or time to work from home, or book some counselling, or see your GP. I know all the options are limited, but my work told me I was going through a significant life event. The most important thing is you, not him. Try not to make hasty decisions, and seek support from friends and family. It is easy for me to type, but harder in practise. I have no family near so most of time daughter is with me. Am sending you love x

Thank you @needtocomeoutofdenial I had a day off last week when it all blew up. Im
still trying to get my head around it all - things weren’t good but he is minimising everything with this woman and I do not know what to believe. He has brought my 3 (young adult) kids up for the past 9 years and hasn’t even had the balls to ask if any of them want to talk to him at all about what’s going on. He checked out possibly months ago, we had a massive blow up about a month ago and he said he wasn’t sure if we could carry on but I naively believed we were trying to make it work. He’s staying elsewhere from next week which I think will actually be easier, but despite everything I don’t want him to go. I want to wake up and it’s a bad dream or rewind a year or so ago to when things were good. He is so so ‘business like’ about everything and he’s showing no emotion what so ever 😭

Sorry - having a bit of a brain dump here without offering any advice or support to anyone so apologies. We are talking through some stuff later and then this weekend he will be pretty much moving out. I don’t want this to happen at all but I think it will be for the best as I think it will be easier without him here. But it’s going to be hard and I just can’t stop crying still.

@HappyasLarrynot Your situation very closely mirrors what happened to me, so I totally get all those mixed feelings you're having - it will be easier without him there, but there's also a grief in him going. You're still a good few steps behind him emotionally. He's probably been playing this moment out for a good while now, so it's no shock to him (hence the lack of emotion), but you're still getting your head round what's happened. My ex and I had a big blow out about a month before he left, and I naively booked couples counselling, thinking we were trying to make it work. But he was just trying to find a way out. This next bit is going to be really tough for you, but you will get through it. What worked for me was seeing a really good counsellor, leaning on good friends, keeping routine going for the (late teen) kids, writing all my feelings down in a journal and just reminding myself constantly of all the things about him that I WOULDN'T miss. That, and just time. Don't worry about brain dumping here, that's what we're here for! Big hugs. X

@HappyasLarrynot I agree secondly with journalling, counselling (this helps with a safe space to really thrash those emotions out and also understand them correctly) and plan, plan, plan. It's exhausting planning so much, but keep busy gives you very little time to sit in the feeling; which you absolutely should at times, but I think sat thinking about it because of the loneliness that follows them leaving can send you into dispare and if you are anything like me completely crazy in your mind of trying to get answers for yourself. One minute I was questioning if he was changing his sexuality, to whether it was another women trying to pick back through history of any points that could give me closure - which we all so desperately need. If you do get in that boat try and get some CBT which again helped, or read about it.

@RandomDepressedPun I think our stories are very similar! I ended up going to counselling with OH which I hated because they always bring up past and my family is a little disfunctional (I don't think that shapes me though) sitting there whilst he said how perfect his were and me having to discuss mine honestly was heart wrenching.

Anyways, I expected her to sort of bee line me on things that trigger me maybe and affect the relationship, but she didn't. The counselling actually picked up on how OH had such a good up bringing but he had no self esteem and other things and pointed out whether it could be clinical depression, he obviously wouldn't accept it but I do wonder and he is in denial.

I actually got him to go by discussing whether he'd go to put it to bed, that way we could have a good relationship for our children moving forward.

I think the counsellor was able to make himself reflect and he has asked me to go again. I don't know where it'll take us, a lot of damage has been done but if he is still saying he loves you etc maybe you could try this way to just start talking? Even if it's for your closure when you both clearly care deeply. Feel free to DM me (I would but don't know how). Xx

Yesterday I had the strangest sensation. I was walking to my car from doing the weekly shop when I suddenly felt as though I was looking out of my eyes for the first time in years. That sounds so odd now I have written it down. It was as though my sense of self had returned and that person was looking out of her body and mind at the world with real interest, without the distraction of constantly having to look out for things which might set H's anger off. It was only for a minute, but it was incredibly powerful. When I got in the car I just sat there and cried for a while, with relief I think. I know I must sound really odd and I am finding it hard to explain what I mean. It has been almost a year now since I vowed to safe myself from the abuse. In those 12 months there has been so much pain. Some mental, some physical, but I hope that that fleeting moment in the carpark was an indication that perhaps I am starting to heal.

Sending hugs to all.

@cakeoverexercise I asked him again today when it all happened and he won’t tell me. I am a bit pissed off with myself for giving him the space in my head but I need to accept that he is going to continue to minimise and deflect and that’s hard. We were going to talk tonight but I am angry and hurting so it won’t be productive, so I’ve suggested in the morning before he leaves. He has packed a load of stuff to go and stay with a friend (male) and it’s just horrible having half of his things not around. I actually want to throw up.

@HappyasLarrynot Im so sorry. I'm afraid it's pointless trying to get anything out of them once they've checked out. I did the same with my ex, trying to find out what was going on in his head, but he'd become an unreadable book. It was like he'd become a complete stranger overnight. You'll just tie yourself up in knots if you try and go there. All you need to get your head round for now is that he's checked out. Start looking forward rather than back, make small steps to regain your confidence (I made a few changes in the house that my ex had said no to) and talk to RL friends if you can. I've never drunk as much coffee as those first couple of weeks after my ex left. The anger is very real, let yourself feel it, but I found if I let my ex see it, he just clammed up even more. I got more out of him if I feigned indifference. The joke now is that I DO feel indifferent towards him and I'm not sure he knows what to do with that. I'm just so sorry that you're going through this as I remember how deep and painful those feelings are. Stay strong and just know you're the better person in all of this. And you will get through it. Hugs. X

Thank you to everyone for the good wishes on my new house. There are definitely mixed feelings but I hope it will be a happy place to live and it is good to be taking control of my life again.

@Itisallgoingtobeok I'm really happy to hear that update. You mentioned that this was going to be a difficult time and it's fantastic to hear that you feel you are finding yourself again and that you are able to recognise so profoundly that something has changed for the better.

@cakeoverexercise and @HappyasLarrynot my experience is similar too. A wholly dependable and trustworthy partner who suddenly checked out and wouldn't communicate anything at all about why or what he was feeling. (and later, when it turned out he'd been messaging someone else, he minimised and deflected that too). It's a horrible feeling of confusion and abandonment and twisting in the wind. @cakeoverexercise I recognise everything that you say! My ex also refused to engage with any anger that I expressed. I tried writing texts or emails that explained how I was feeling and got nothing back at all. It was infuriating and crazy-making. But I suspect that his emotional avoidance was a huge part of why we ended up separating in this way. He couldn't talk to me about any of it - before, during or after. Which feels like a ridiculous cosmic joke because prior to all of this I would have said (smugly!) that he was very emotionally aware. Which shows how far in denial I was I guess.

@HappyasLarrynot the first stages are awful. I feel for you and agree with what's already been said - don't try to make sense of the inexplicable. The 'truth' of things will become clearer with time and with more information. For now just try to accept that 'it is what it is'. Focus on yourself, not him. Figure out what makes you feel better (and just as importantly, what makes you feel worse). As far as possible, do the things in the first category! The things that people have talked about in this thread and that are often recommended worked for me: exercise, journalling, time outdoors, spend time with people that you trust, avoid people that you don't, therapy if possible, plan ahead for your own future and figuring out who you are and what you want on your own. Basically, do what you can to focus on the future and refuse to dwell in the past. (But also, some days that will be too much to contemplate, and that's fine too. This is hard emotional stuff. Be as gentle with yourself as you can).

Thank you @harlemriver - it’s ‘good’ to be able to see people who are further through this than me moving on and finding things getting easier. I hope your new house is everything that you want it to be and that it helps you to move forwards. On my side, I know I have to let ‘her’ go, it’s just jumped back up at me these last couple of days and the fact that he can’t be honest tells me everything. A colleague gave me some very good advice earlier as well so tomorrow I have to put my big girl pants on and talk to him and get the best ‘deal’ that I can for me and the kids. Because that’s what it feels like now, a business deal. He is so detached and desperate to get things sorted that it’s horrible to watch. But cheats never prosper and karma will come good at some point.