A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

Random update - I have worked out how long it’s been going on so he no longer has that ‘hold’ over me. I can now have a conversation with him tomorrow without the anger and hurt that I had today (yes it hurts and yes I’m angry still but not to the same levels) and start moving forwards.

Hello everyone,
Please can I join. I found out just under a year ago my DH of over 10 years was having an EA and did become physical but fizzled out. We have two small children so I really wanted to try and work things out. He moved out in the summer for a few weeks and then begged for a second chance which I agreed to. However things quickly went downhill again and it was evident he has checked out. He finally admitted that he can't see a way forward and agreed.
He has now got his own place and sees the children. However even though I know it was coming I feel in a state of shock again, I can't sleep and can't really imagine a future without him. I know it's one day at a time but I just feel numb.
It's helpful to see that time really is a healer and I'm trying to write everything down and be kind to myself.

@supiciousminds I've only been on here a few days but hi and sorry you’re here. Tbh the support already has been amazing for me. Sending a hug x

Coming on for a bit of an offload. Welcome to those who have just joined and sorry that you are here. I am utterly miserable this weekend, despite being very busy. I was out with old friends last night but cried and cried when I got home. Busy with kids today but as soon as was on my own the tears came again. I just hate this feeling and long to get to a stage where I can stop thinking about him so much.

Hi @Ginerous - apologies as I’m not sure of your journey/ story/whatever you want to call it but sending a hug from this end. I’m the same as you and tears when I’m on my own so totally get where you’re coming from. Do you have any plans for tomorrow?

thanks @HappyasLarrynot. my ‘DP’ ended things about 3 months ago. We had been together 5 yrs, both previously married with kids. I am still heartbroken.

tomorrow am busy dropping kids to various activities and also have a family get together in the afternoon.

@Ginerous glad to hear you have plans for tomorrow. Hope you have some time to do something for yourself, even if only for a few minutes. How old are your kids and how are they doing?

I’m sorry @Ginerous for your tears, the ups and downs just keep coming don’t they 😔. I’m the same, the grief still ebbs and flows and I imagine it’s absolutely normal, but knowing it’s normal doesn’t ease it at all.

I’m further down the line than you but still cry / sob on occasion for what’s been lost. I’m still waiting to move out so he’s still very much right under my nose for now. I stayed with Dad / Stepmum last weekend which really didn’t go well and I ended up feeling more alone than ever after that. Ironically XH was very kind & sympathetic when I got back and told him the tale, and has carried on being kind all week. That’s definitely preferable to any kind of cool / distant behaviour, but inevitably it does pull at the heart making me miss the closeness that we once had. He’s off staying with his girlfriend this weekend - on the one hand it’s nice having some space to myself, but on the other it’s still incredibly painful thinking of him with someone else.

I’ve been reflecting a lot recently, and realised I am very much a ‘one person’ person. By that I mean when I’m in a relationship / marriage, that person is the one I want to spend my time with, over and above any friends or family. The trouble with that of course is that if that person leaves / hurts you, it’s utterly catastrophic, and I now feel really alone, even though there are others in my life. I know it goes against how you should be, but that’s how I am. I truly feel like I’ve lost a limb, part of me is missing and won’t be coming back. I’m sure lots of you can relate.

I’m sorry @supiciousminds & @HappyasLarrynot for having to join in, it’s so painful and heartbreaking to navigate through. Sending 💐

How are you @RandomDepressedPun ? How are things going?

Thank you @AloneAgain2023 He left today so the pain is incredible. Even though it’s the right thing for both of us, it hurts a lot. I have to tell my parents this coming week which isn’t going to be easy. I can’t believe this has happened, it’s like living someone else’s life 😭

How do you stop thinking about your other half? My ‘husband’ has changed one of his bios on social media, which is obv fine but I can’t stop thinking about it. I wish there was a switch that would turn off part of my brain.

@HappyasLarrynot I still find it very difficult that I’ve been plunged into a different life that I really don’t want. My life has been taken away and replaced with one not of my choosing, and even now it still feels like a terrible dream that I can’t wake up from.

And on top of all this, XH is settled and happy in his shiny new relationship, while I feel a real anxiety about what’s ahead of me 😢

You are literally at the very beginning when everything is truly raw, and it’s pretty much impossible to stop thinking about them. All I can say is, you will at some point start to think about what is ahead of you on a practical level (your living arrangements for example) and once you start to make arrangements and put things in place, you will get back a tiny bit of control.

There’s no getting around the fact that this is a MAJOR life event and it’s incredibly tough on the one who didn’t want to separate.

A bit like you, I could see that it was the ‘right’ thing to divorce, but I absolutely, categorically didn’t want to be in this position. I would give anything to go back to our early years when things were great, but it’s rarely possible for that to happen in reality. My XH left once before 8 years ago, moved out for 6 months. He came back but the harsh reality was that it was never the same after that - I don’t think I ever recovered from it and I don’t think his heart was in it.

But even after all that, I STILL wish we hadn’t got to where we are now. 😔

Remember you are allowed to grieve, something has died and it is a bereavement. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel, talk to people as much as you need, write things down, and of course vent on here. 💐

@HappyasLarrynot becoming aware of it is the first step.

Some people recommend pinging an elastic band on your wrist when you find yourself thinking of him, in order to make a negative association with your thoughts wandering in his direction.

If I find myself thinking of STBXH, I then make a conscious effort to think of something about me and my future instead. I’ve spent 22 years putting him first, so it’s a hard habit to break. But I’m putting my energy into me and the kids now. I won’t allow him to continue stealing my energy, he’s taken enough of my precious life already.

And block him on all social media channels. Don’t go pain shopping.

Thank you @AloneAgain2023 and @Didsomeonesaydogs some really helpful advice which is very much appreciated x

Hi @AloneAgain2023 sorry I didn’t reply earlier, it’s just too hard sometimes to think of the enormity and unfairness of it all. I’m still very very depressed and honestly can’t imagine ever being happy again. I find myself being eaten up with the unfairness of it all and thoughts of horrible events in the future. I’m so scared I’ll never be lived again. I don’t even want anyone else, I only want him, the idea of starting a new relationship ever is too big and scary, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone either. I can’t believe he’s still going through with this but I also know he won’t back down now.

We’re getting on ok at home, very civil and even kind to each other. But I can see him putting up a barrier and giving me brief answers to innocuous questions, like he’s making a point. For example he often runs an errand for me if I’ve been working and it’s not out of his way, I asked him if he was going out today (his day off) - really casually and in the way we would normally, and he said ‘yes’ in a very abrupt way. Not rude but asserting himself like ‘I don’t have to explain myself to you’ sort of way. So I asked where he was going then quickly added ‘because if you happen to be going into town can you do xxx for me?’ As soon as I explained he sent back to being kind and understanding in his reply. It was… just odd. In all our years together we have never ever policed each other’s free time, I didn’t think I’d asked in such a way it could be perceived as trying to control him or keep tabs on him, it really was very casual. I don’t think he’s up to anything but honestly I am starting to wonder if there is someone else - nothing to make me think that except seeing him in a different way since he started all this. Colder. Not sharing his life with me any more because I’m his wife in name only now. I think he was just trying to keep some sort of boundary but it seemed unnecessary.

I’ve increased my work hours to full time now. I will give this cohabitation a damn good shot but honestly I am starting to want him to move out.

Sorry I've not posted on this thread for a long time, I read everybodies updates though, congrats on the new home @harlemriver and sorry to hear you are still struggling @AloneAgain2023. Have you got a new date for your flat yet? It must be so hard living in limbo like this.
Also welcome to all the new members, I know it's tough, and it's a complete rollercoaster but it will gradually get easier.
I found stbxh moving out and having almost 8 weeks of zero communication (and only very short, polite messages regarding the dc) was very healing. It gave me space to heal and come to terms with the breakdown of the relationship, and start building my new single life. Fwiw, puppy yoga was the most amazing thing ever! 100% recommend to everyone. Just looking back at the photos boosts my serotonin up.
Stbxh had mediation and since then have been communicating again, on more friendly terms whilst both still keeping our guard up, until last week when I received a vile message from one of his "friends" and all sense of keeping my dignity and whatnot went out the window and I just lost it with him and went down the whole "how could you do this to us route". It wasn't pretty, but he opened up and we had a long heart to heart and this leads to a bit of a complicated situation as when I dropped the boys off at the weekend he gave me a hug and we ended up kissing, and I fear this has given him the idea that we can get back together - he's even sent me flowers yesterday. I don't know how I feel about this all, I definitely 100% want to divorce, I do not want to be married any more, and there is no way I will ever go back to how things were because I was miserable in the end. just felt invisible. but i do also love him, always will, he is a massive part of my life and i dont know if i will ever find anyone who gets me like he does. but such a head fuck. on the positive side though, he's paid a years rent in advance on his house, so at least he cannot even think about moving back in for a while.

@RandomDepressedPun I wish there was a spell that we could put on ourselves to make the intense feelings go away! Although I’m further down the road from you in terms of time, I can totally relate to the sadness and depression you’re feeling. I have the exact same emotions as you’ve described - the unfairness, the anxiety about the future, the feeling of wanting no one else AT ALL while at the same time not wanting a future alone, thinking I’ll never be loved again.

Like you I’m still living with XH (he actually is XH now as our Divorce has finalised) and having so many ups and downs. It’s really not ideal or healthy to be seeing them everyday as a housemate, but circumstances often dictate that being necessary. We generally rub along just fine - once everything came out in the open about his girlfriend (that’s still surreal & hurtful to say), I guess he relaxed, became less cold & distant, and we fell into a way of co-existing, but of course it’s still the case that he has long since moved on and I really haven’t.

I am very conscious of not wanting to upset you, but it is very possible your H is seeing someone. The signs you’ve mentioned are classic signs that so many ladies on here have seen - the distancing, the coldness, the abruptness. There is no getting away from the fact of just how painful that is. He would very likely deny or minimise things if you were to ask. It took months for me to discover the truth, he would only ever admit what he had to, I discovered a little bit at a time. And while there was still bits of secrecy, there was that defensive coldness that was incredibly painful.

To know or not to know, everyone is different, but being in the dark and ‘wondering’ is horrendous & soul destroying. Infidelity is not certain of course, but it’s amazing what they are capable of and how they find the time - mine works from home and yet he still managed to meet someone (Tinder apparently 😢).

I’m glad you’ve been able to increase your work hours, that’s a little bit of control you’ve taken into your own hands. Everyone keeps telling me that I can only begin to move on when I move out of here and am not seeing him everyday - at times I even doubt that, but I’m sure they’re right. And you too will reach a point when you may be actually ready for him to leave. You won’t feel happier, but you will be able to get on the journey to slowly healing. I hope you have someone to vent to and confide in, I think that’s essential. Lots of 💐 to you.

Hello @CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease sorry for the slightly complicated turn of events you’ve had, I can only imagine how that will have played with your head!

It’s heartening to hear how minimal contact helped you, I do feel for me that cutting contact after I move out is the best thing to do (no children so it is something that’s possible). But of course at the same time there is a real finality about that, and a complete goodbye to a life and a person who was so significant and important to me - just like you said, a massive part of our lives.

I should be in my flat by January if not before, but I feel minimal excitement about it, I still would give anything to go back to my ‘old life’ 😔. I still feel very stuck in sadness & regret, and am still crying regularly, even though we are actually divorced now (that’s how long I’ve been here!!).

Since everything has been out in the open regarding his relationship (and lying & cheating!), things have become calmer and more relaxed. But of course I do realise that he feels better about everything being out in the open, while I’m still in pain. Basically all’s good in his world!!😠. But I have to say, I’d rather have him being kind & friendly than cold & distant, that just intensified my agony. We’re rubbing along okay, he even said yesterday that it’s no problem me being here for as long as I need to be and he likes the company! But I do have to watch him disappear off each weekend to his girlfriends, and I can’t pretend that doesn’t still hurt. So ultimately I know it will be best when I can move out finally.

Keep us posted on your situation.

Oh, I didn’t want to read that!

I’ve absolutely spiralled today. Really really badly.

I was already spiralling btw, not because of what you wrote

@RandomDepressedPun sending a hug and virtual gin/vodka/coffee.

@RandomDepressedPun I’m so so sorry if I upset you, it truly wasn’t my intention.

It absolutely isn’t the case that infidelity is always behind these scenarios, it could simply be that things for him have changed and he’s struggling with his own feelings. Only you know your husband and your situation, and despite the most common theme running through this thread, there are of course exceptions.

I don’t know if you have had many conversations to try and get to the bottom of his new behaviour, but you are entitled to have the information whatever that may be, you are his wife and he should put himself out and discuss things with you honestly and openly, however uncomfortable that may be. You have a right to be told what is going on with him.

I hope you can find some peace with it all. Having the truth is essential so you can both decide where to go from here.

Although I didn’t reach the point of actually doing it, I seriously considered calling The Samaritans at times as I felt (and to be honest still do feel) very alone, despite having people in my life. The ABSOLUTE one person I wanted to turn to was the person who had destroyed me. The point I’m trying to make is, even if it feels very alien to actually make that call, very often talking to a stranger (a highly trained stranger) is easier than talking to those we know. Consider it as an option, and an outlet to pour everything out.

I really do send you the best of wishes, everyone on here is having to deal with the same or similar situations, and we all are going through the same agonies. Please keep either talking or writing or both.

💐

@AloneAgain2023 a lot of wisdom in that post

Hello everyone, how are we all doing? As Christmas gets closer I am finding things more difficult. Every Christmas tune seems to set me off into the depths of misery. I hope that Christmas isn't always going to feel this way.

If I can separate out my feelings about Christmas, I can see that things are generally getting better. I have stopped crying several times a day, and now cry a few times per week, and it isn't for as long each time. The sadness is still there, but is less acute. I read somewhere that it takes about a month per year of being together before life becomes more normal again. That would be nearly three years for me. I am almost a year in, and I wonder if this timeline is about right. If it is, I have a long way still to go.

For those at the beginning of the journey, I am so sorry you are in this situation. I know how badly it hurts, almost as though it isn't survivable. It is. You will get through. You are much stronger than than you think. My turning point was when I realised that I was never going to get an apology or an explanation of why he thought it was ok to treat me so badly. As far as he is concerned it was all my fault. It wasn't my fault. It was never, ever my fault. When I realised that, and came to terms with it, it stopped hurting so much.

Hugs to all.

Hi @Itisallgoingtobeok
I’m not a great believer in those formulas that tell you how long it takes to feel better etc as I think it differs so much depending on the relationship, the circumstances of the break up, what else is happening in your life etc but I am glad to hear that slowly you are feeling a little bit better. Christmas is definitely hard to manage, I’m dreading it this year but must try and stay upbeat for the kids. I am still crying every day and if anything it seems to have got worse! I wish I could stop. One of the things that bothering me is that I know I am going to bump into my ex unexpectedly sooner or later as we live really close to each other. I really don’t want to see him as I know it will upset me and I don’t want the awkward conversation I know will happen. I wish he’d move away!

@Ginerous - you are definitely right about it being a different timeline for everyone. I guess how the timeline estimate helped me was that I was beating myself up when I was still crying my eyes out multiple times per day after several months. Somehow I felt I should have been pulling myself together. When I read the “month for every year you were together” recovery it brought it home to me just what a massive loss it is. Expecting myself to “get over it” in a few months was ambitious at best.

Bumping into your ex is something I can sympathise with too. I had that today, I had to go close to where he now lives and I was terrified of seeing him. I am not sure how to deal with that to be honest.