A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@Itisallgoingtobeok yes I had that feeling too, I had a night to myself recently and spent the whole evening crying and felt like a big loser. So you are right, we are allowed to grieve for the relationship. If you like poetry this is a good one for our situation:
This Is the Time to Be Slow
by John O’Donohue
This is the time to be slow
Lie low to the wall
Until the bitter weather passes

Try, as best you can, not to let
The wire brush of doubt
Scrape from your heart
All sense of yourself
And your hesitant light.

If you remain generous,
Time will come good;
And you will find your feet
Again on fresh pastures of promise,
Where the air will be kind
And blushed with beginning.

@Ginerous thank you for that poem, which has really resonated with me. I need to remember to be kind to myself I think. I too am still struggling, 4 months in since he left. Today has been particularly bad with a crying fit of a few hours whilst I tried
to make my two year old dinner. But we live to fight another day.

@Itisallgoingtobeok I’m nearly 4 weeks in and had a couple of better days last week but I’m struggling massively in the evenings. I’m overwhelmed by things. I have no idea if I’ll get a mortgage or not and the ex is trying to push the sale of the house through as quickly as possible. I feel so uncertain about the future and am so sick of everyone telling me things will be ok. Because right now they’re not ok at all and I’m not coping. I’m going to be in trouble at work tomorrow because I haven’t got something done by the deadline because I just can’t focus. Taking time off isn’t an option. I hate this. I am currently fixating on the affair he had, I know it’s not healthy but I’m angry and hurt and just so so sad. Christmas can do one also, it was sorted for a quiet one with just the kids and my parents , which I have got my head around, but one of my siblings is now coming with their teenager and so it will be anything but quiet. I can’t say no to them as my mum has agreed it but she pretends there are no issues when now the day will revolve around one teenager (adhd/asd) so I’m dreading that. I just want to get off this rollercoaster, I hate it.

@Ginerous i don’t know how to deal with your ex being close by so sending a massive hug. Mine has moved to a larger city but came to the house today and it just panicked me knowing he was at the house (I was out). Hope you’re ok.

@Ginerous - the poem is lovely, thank you for sharing it. Things like the poem help stop me from sliding into oblivion. Christmas Eve is the anniversary of H's first assault on me after years of emotional abuse. Having beautiful things like poetry to offset the horror really help.

@HappyasLarrynot - I'm genuinely sorry if my post upset you.

@Itisallgoingtobeok omg sorry no absolutely not! Was just ranting at some ungodly hour after a shit weekend. Sorry if I made you think you had x

I'm in denial dh left the family home over 3 weeks ago, received the notice of proceedings yesterday. What happens if I don't respond? Things haven't been good for a while, his drinking made things worse and it blew up a few weeks ago. I don't want to divorce he is adamant this is the right thing to do, been together 33 years, I'm really struggling, can't eat, can't sleep, functioning only for our teen children.

That should read 23 years

Phew! I'm glad my post didn't upset you. I'm sorry you had such a bad weekend. Have things been any better? Feel free to rant away. x

I am so sorry you find yourself in this position @greenteabag, it is awful. Did your DH tell you he was going to initiation the proceedings? Just launching that on you without warning is really disrespectful and unkind.

You are really early in this awful journey, and those first few weeks are the worst I ever experienced. Like you, I could barely function. I know saying that it will get better sounds hollow, but it does.

As for the practical part of your question, you should check with a solicitor, but as far as I understand it you can't stop the proceedings by not responding. He can force it through the court either way.

Hugs to all.

@greenteabag I know it's a shot in the dark, but I read a post once where the couple had gone to separation/divorce counselling just so It didn't end on bad terms - they both had agreed with no expectations and the husband previously wouldn't go to counselling to save them.

That then turned into them being able to turn their relationship around and being together. It really is a long hope and could be worth a suggestion, but unfortunately I believe if not and he wants to go down that route you really can't stop it.

I am currently waiting for it to be slapped in my face when actually sometimes I wonder if it's best to just file and then it could not hurt as much?

@Itisallgoingtobeok I’m definitely finding things easier and actually 90% of the time I don’t miss him. I look back and I know it’s the right thing to split as he has lied about so many things. What I’m struggling with is him minimising the effect that his affair has had. He blames our crap relationship for the split and says the affair was because the relationship was over (to him). He is still seeing her and tbh they deserve each other. But it hurts that he chose to have an affair and lie rather than grow a pair and be honest. He would have let things go on for weeks/months with me whilst he was sleeping with her. I’m not an oil painting but he’s not exactly gone for an upgrade! But he isn’t able to be faithful and he will do to her what he’s done to me and, as it turns out, his previous wife as well. But there we go x

Wide awake again …. I had started to do ok at the beginning of the week but when he confirmed he was still seeing her (said he wasn’t) it just hurt all over again. I’m more convinced than ever that I don’t want to be with him so it’s not like I’m longing for him to come back or anything but he has left (apparently to make things easier for me and the kids but he’s now living much closer to her) and can do whatever he likes whilst I sort all the crap he’s left in the house, deal with the pets, work full time and then he’s moaning things aren’t progressing fast enough. I can’t wait to get rid of him now but it’s going so fast I can’t keep up. He doesn’t give a shit about me or the kids he brought up for the past 8 years and I am pretty certain her husband doesn’t know what’s going on but it’s not ok for me to take time to get my head around things or even to just take a step back. No wonder he was so nice initially.

@HappyasLarrynot i can definitely relate to the feeling of being in the house and being left to cope whilst the ex has left. In my case, he did not have an affair (or at least if he has it hasn’t come out yet), he just said relationship was over to him and he didn’t love me anymore. Then left end of July. Leaving me with our two year old, the house, the washing/cooking/cleaning etc, initially the dog too - golden retriever, and me working full time. It made me angry too that he could swan off and have a nice evening in, or relax or chill out, and I am hanging on by a thread trying to juggle everything and work through heartbreak. It is grossly grossly unfair that we are the ones left to deal with everything. And all the practicalities. If things are whizzing along too quickly for your heart and emotions to keep up, then it’s ok to slow things down. My ex was so quick to say he wanted our daughter overnight in his new place. And I wasn’t ready for her to be away from me, to be gone overnight and me be in an empty house. So I said no, I wasn’t ready. And he had to wait 2 - 3 months until I was. As many have said, often the ex is further along in the process than we are, as they have checked out whilst IN the relationship, but never said. I’m sorry all this has happened to you.

@HappyasLarrynot I can relate to your sleeplessness, I’ve been struggling with my sleep now for months. And I think I’ve also occasionally had what I think may be anxiety attacks, once the lamp goes out I’ve been hyperventilating and sobbing and struggling to breathe. The shock of what’s been happening to us should never be underestimated.

The pain of the other woman doesn’t go away easily - I’m many months in and it’s still painful and surreal to think of him with someone else. In fact just tonight for the first time, I spotted he has a picture of her as his screensaver on his phone, it instantly altered my mood, just like that 😞.

And what hurt most is, I don’t remember him having me as his screensaver even over 18 years 😢. I might be wrong of course, maybe I just don’t remember, but he certainly didn’t for many years. Possibly a trivial thing, but it hurt.

And I’m still confused about my own feelings too, I can see that it was right to separate, I can see the things that weren’t right between us, I can acknowledge the things I didn’t like about him, and I can certainly still feel deeply the ways he has hurt me, BUT it all still really hurts and I still feel SO rejected. And it’s been so many months now that we’re actually Divorced (I’m still living there but should be moving out in January). I still get haunted by being replaced, which is so demoralising and makes you feel so worthless. Even now I cannot find a way to re-frame those thoughts, if anyone has any tips on that PLEASE let me know.

I’ve always struggled with self esteem and that’s a reason I don’t think I could go into another relationship. I’m in my mid fifties and still feeling that way, so I’m not sure there’s any hope for me!!

Best Wishes to everyone still struggling this weekend 💐💐💐

I also have insomnia now, for the first time in my life. And tonight am passing the time on MN... @AloneAgain2023 sorry you are feeling trapped in rumination and regrets. Have you seen a counsellor at all throughout this? I feel it could help you. If that's not possible, then I think it is a case of making a conscious decision to change your thought patterns. There's a saying that 'where attention goes, energy flows and that's what grows'. If you focus on fear and rejection and sorrow, those are the feelings that will dominate. Trying to shift those patterns is not easy and it's very personal and needs a whole range of tools! I do a lot of writing things out. I have notebooks in every room and when I start to spiral I write out everything that I'm worried about and then I try to reframe it or think about how I'll address it. How to manage money carefully. How to make friends and build a social life. How to be grateful for what I've got Instead of focusing on what I've lost (and how to recognise that the loss of my marriage might be a liberation rather than a loss!)

Instead of fearing the future, think about what kind of life you would enjoy and the steps that you need to take to get there. The future is unknown so why not imagine something positive instead of negative? You don't know what will happen or who you might meet when you least expect it. I did loads of exercises to figure out what is important to me and what I want from life now (I used a 'design your life' workbook, there are lots of similar ones available). It was after doing those that I decided the changes I want to make now (moving house) and those that can wait (moving job).

I know it's not easy to do this, and your situation is very difficult. Your ex sounds very cruel, to be honest - setting his new girlfriend as a screensaver while you are still living there is a very unkind thing to do. But we can't choose what happens to us, but we can choose how to respond. Please don't give him more of your life than he has already taken. There is a much happier future possible for you away from him than you could ever have had with him. I really want that for you and believe you can do it - living in the conditions you've been in this year requires incredible strength. But there's a new year and a new start ahead for you and I hope that you will find you can go from AloneAgain2023 to SoMuchHappier2024.💖

Also, specifically on the feelings of rejection, of course it hurts. Of course it does. I am not trying to minimise that pain. But you also say that you know your marriage wasn't happy and understand why it needed to end, so it's important not to idealise what you have 'lost' . As others have suggested, try drawing up lists of things you dislike about your ex, things you won't miss, things you will be able to do on your own that you didn't do together, cruel and hurtful things he has done that show he isn't a worthy partner for you etc. what a happy relationship would look like for you, and then whether you were getting any of that in your marriage.

Hi all, I'm so sorry for all of those struggling with insomnia, feelings of rejection etc. I truly empathise, and 6 months along, I'm starting to realise those feelings can resurface at any point. And the insomnia is a constant for me, I'm afraid. I'm finding my stress levels are rising as 'the big day' approaches, and the deep sadness is becoming more and more profound. Each little ritual is filled with heavy meaning and loss. Putting up the decorations, getting out the Christmas chocolates, watching Christmas films. But I know the DC want to feel the stability of that ritual. I did invite exH to spend Christmas Day with us in the spirit of trying to keep some kind of semblance of 'family' for the DC. But he's just told me he's not ready for that yet. HE'S not ready!!!! So after putting all my feelings of anger, resentment and sadness aside for the sake of the DC, he's thrown it back in my face. I'm relieved, but absolutely furious at his utter selfishness at the same time. So now it really will be just the three of us and I'll have to try and make the day special when what I really feel like doing is burying my head under the duvet for the day. ExH will be ok - he's spending the day with his sister's family, the same sister he used to tell me he couldn't spend 5 minutes with without feeling annoyed. He'd rather do that than spend it with us. Talk about feeling rejected! Sorry for the rant, I just had to get my frustration out somewhere. I'm just so exhausted with trying to be the better person and it constantly backfiring. Roll on mediation next year. I do hope you're all doing ok, and navigating the festive season better than I am! Hugs to all. X

@harlemriver Thank you so much for taking the time to send such a thoughtful reply. Some great ideas, I definitely do the writing / note making thing. For many months I’ve had two headings in ‘Notes’ on my iPad - one titled ‘My Feelings’ and one titled ‘Remember’. In the latter I write things that have happened or been said etc, good & bad, not just in these recent months but also over the years, as well as the things I didn’t like about him. And also any behaviour of mine that wasn’t great, I do think that’s important to remember as well to take forward.

You’re right of course in saying the future is unknown, in perkier moments that can feel hopeful, in miserable moments it can feel worrying.

To be fair and give credit where it’s due, I will say that in recent weeks he has been very kind. He keeps reiterating that it’s absolutely fine for me to be here as long as I need while waiting to move out, in fact the other day he even followed that by saying he enjoys having the company! I do half wonder whether he’s realising that very soon he will literally be living alone, he works from home so he’ll be on his own day & evening. And also to be fair, he certainly doesn’t rub the girlfriend in my face, when he goes away on a weekend he doesn’t go into any detail and naturally I don’t ask anything. Regarding the phone, I only noticed that last night for the first time because he was using the torch, he certainly doesn’t flaunt it around.

So for now, we have a more relaxed way of co-existing in the same house, which for me personally is preferable to cold & distant behaviour.

I very much hope for a new start and a brighter future for you too, hopefully our new homes will signify a fresh beginning for both of us. The pain won’t instantly vanish but the new beginning can begin!

And hopefully I can use your suggestion of a new ‘Mumsnet Name’ soon!!
🤞💝

@cakeoverexercise Hello to you, sorry you’re also in the insomnia club! And the rejection club, and the deeply sad club etc etc. Christmas was always going to be awful for all of us, no question.

You are absolutely right about all the rituals really tugging at the heart. As I’m still here, XH had asked if I would like to help decorate the tree during last week. I said I would as it’s always something I loved doing (to be honest it was always me that did it, my way 😆). Anyway Wednesday evening he started, and I was in the kitchen uncontrollably crying - in that moment it was yet another reminder of everything that has been lost this year. He was kind, to be fair, and in the end I did help. But that sense of it not being the same was so strong.

And like so many other couples, we used to watch the same few Christmas movies every single year, and from here on in, we won’t be 😢.

Just like you, I’m several months down the line, but it’s still painful looking at how much has changed. It’s hard to imagine that this time last year things were normal and we were still a married couple (although the truth of course is things were far from right).

I’m so sorry he rejected your offer to join you all, regardless of the circumstances, it will feel like just another ‘rejection’ to you. And yes, the self-centredness is breathtaking - “I’m not ready” !! 🙄😠

I really hope you and the DCs manage to have a lovely day anyway, and you can perhaps feel in some small way that you’re starting your own little rituals and customs, just the three of you. But it will be a very odd, tough Christmas for us all.

Finally, there’s never any need to apologise for ranting, that’s why we are all here! Thank goodness for this forum, virtual sympathy and empathy is far better than none!

🎄

@Mirrorbright @Itisallgoingtobeok thank you for your kind words

Sorry to everyone that is struggling, it's so scary how fast things are changing and reading everyone's feelings just makes me sad.

It's been 4 weeks since he left, at 2 weeks I received the email from his solicitor, week 3 the notice of proceedings by email and week 4 yesterday, the paper copy, I know I can't stop it, he has all the power. I see he wants the financial order and children.

Should I get a solicitor to respond? Did he really have to do all of this with a solicitor? All so extreme...

@AloneAgain2023 Thank you. And here I am again, unable to sleep! I'm so sorry you've been in tears over Christmas as well. It's to be expected, I suppose, and I just keep thinking and hoping that next year won't feel anywhere near as bad. 🤞🏻This is definitely the biggest hurdle yet for me, as it's such a time of reminiscing over the past. Like you, I can't believe how much has changed since this time last year. It's been very odd not thinking of what to buy exH, and being very aware of friends buying for their husbands. That's a very lonely feeling. Still, I know deep down that I am happier than I was, even though there's a lot of sadness over what I've lost. I know the day itself will throw up lots of emotions, but I suppose we all just have to learn to find joy in Christmas in a different way now. I hope you're managing ok and not finding it too sad. Big hugs x

@cakeoverexercise @AloneAgain2023 sending a hug - I’m not liking the Xmas thing either. Or weirdly food shopping as I see something that I’d have put in the trolley for him.

I found out last week they’re still together and found out this week that she is now separated. I’m trying not to give them headspace, as they’ve had plenty, but can’t help wondering if that is because her hand was forced or if she thinks my ex is worth leaving for (he’s not 😂). I don’t want him, she can have him, but I can’t get my head around the fact that I’m here having to sort everything, yet they get to play lovebirds with no stress or issues. I’m hoping it’s not that straightforward for them and I can’t change it but my head just won’t turn off.

@HappyasLarrynot It's the little things that really get you isn't it? The not having to buy a particular type of mustard this year because only exH liked it. Strangely for me, it's the fact that he won't see the decorations we put up. And the thought of Christmas morning when we would have had a mimosa with breakfast. It won't feel right having one on my own.

I'm so sorry you've had to find out about your ex and his new partner. The injustice of it is breathtaking. But give it a few years and she'll probably be in the same boat as you now. Still, you're right not to give it headspace. Concentrate on you and the little things that will make you happy this Christmas. I'm saying yes to as many Christmas parties, carol services etc as I can, just to keep myself busy. But I know I'll probably crash and burn come January. We all just have to do whatever gets us through this year. Next year will be easier.

Sending hugs. X