A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@RandomDepressedPun it’s the worst feeling isn’t it. I have really tried not to let my brain torture me with various scenarios, it’s bad enough dealing with a separation without that. All we can do is take each day as it comes and hope life improves as time goes by. I was also devastated that my ex chose to end the relationship rather than work on it, but I am starting to think he is just incapable of long term commitment.

I hope you have some support. I’ve been leaning on my friends and family a lot.

@RandomDepressedPun I've only just caught up with this thread and wanted to say how sorry I am that you've found yourself in this hellish nightmare. But you're amongst people who really understand what you're going through here. It's been nearly 5 months since my ex dropped the bombshell that he wanted out of our marriage (we've been married 14 years, together for 25). I remember being in a state of shock and disbelief in those first awful days and weeks. What helped me through was talking to good friends and not being afraid to lean on them for support. So if you have someone you can rely on, do use them. Also, a good counsellor really helped too. It's a slow rollercoaster process, I'm afraid, but you will get through it. I still have very dark days but am learning to live without my ex, and you will too. Try not to let thoughts of potential other women fill your mind - you really don't know what's going on in his head - distract yourself in any way you can. I found I had to keep busy all the time in those first weeks. The house had never been cleaner! Anything to take my mind off what was happening. But you'll find your own path through this. And don't be afraid to post on here if you're really struggling. Someone will always drop in to offer a sympathetic ear. Hugs. X

@RandomDepressedPun I'm so so sorry your engoing through this. It's the most supportive yet most horrendous forum in one swing.

I completely understand your thought process and could not stop obsessing at this thought. Its been 6 months and my son came home on the weekend to say daddy has a GF; at this point it felt weirdly like relief with a dab of hurt because I've not known why he wouldn't work on it and just left.

Anyway, I rung him and he panicked saying absolutely not because I was saying I'm just done with it all and filing for divorce.

I think a lot of men (don't want to generalize as I'm sure women do it) around 35-50 go through this stage of not knowing what they want and just faulting their life because it didn't turn out the way they hoped and then think it's the best option to run away. I've read some come back, but a lot of women are done because we hurt from the start.

It does get better, I use to come to this forum because I was struggling so much, now I come mainly for supporting others. You start accepting the thoughts, the empty house and enjoying your ownself and it's only natural to have good and bad days and you have to completely embrace it all.

Sending hugs xx

Hello all and I hope that you are doing ok @RandomDepressedPun I'm sorry for everyone in the pits of devastation, it really is an awful feeling. I think I am through the worst of that now but I still have an abiding sense of disbelief or unreality. I still often feel like this is all a huge misunderstanding and my 'real' life is just waiting to resume. I'm not sure if that is partly because my ex has absented himself from my life so completely, or if others feel the same way?

The feeling that he is going to come back any minute isn't helped by the fact that I am still living in our shared house, while he is staying with his dad. I won't be able to buy him out - and wouldn't want to, to be honest, I've never liked the location and have wanted to move for years (one of our many bones of contention). He wants to move back in, but hasn't said when that will be. So for the past couple of months I have this strange feeling of limbo, where superficially everything is exactly as it was when we were together (minus his presence!) but where I also know that it is going to have to come to a sharp end soon.

I decided it was time to see what I might be able to rent and saw a lovely house yesterday that I am really excited about. It's a cute cottage, in a great location and it offers everything I want for my new life. It's had loads of interest but the landlord is keen to get the right fit rather than first-come first-served so I have written a very enthusiastic statement and am now just hoping that fate goes my way.

It's daunting on lots of levels - making a big decision to commit to this area for another year or two (where until now I have been thinking about moving elsewhere in the country); then moving on my own; sorting out this house; starting in a new area as a single person rather than the married/partnered life I have had since I was 25. But I think it might be what I need to move on. Keep your fingers crossed for me...

Hello all

I've been on here for a while
I separated from my husband for some space due to his affair with his work colleague who was still having about.
I had tried for a year to get through it but it got to much so asked for space

He sorted a flat we told the kids (17,11) were just having some space no divorce at the moment.

Well he moved in last Saturday and on the Monday I got a TEXT to say his affair partner has moved in
(Devastated)

My 17 year old (not bio his) told him to F off And never talk to her again, she sees me being a shell
Of myself I've trained so hard to hide it all but I've not done a very good job

He told my son (11) the next day it's my fault because I asked for divorce 🤔 currently my son won't go to his flat as he doesn't want to see her
My son remembers the conversation where he had ask are you getting divorced and dad said no it's just space

I've got a solicitor appointment booked as I was playing nice as he left me and the kids in the house and moved out but now he has two incomes he can pay for his son rather than just the £50 a month for school dinners

I'm heart broken but no he is not the kind and caring man I married all thou years ago but I'm still hurting massively

Together 16 years married 12

@harlemriver I could have written your post myself. I too am through those early intense feelings of anger, shock and disappointment, but I still have frequent moments where I can't quite believe this is really happening. I can't believe he's not going to come to his senses and want to resume our old life (not that I'd want that). It all seems like a very surreal nightmare.

I too am living in our shared house. He moved out three months or so ago, but all his stuff is still here, almost like he did a moonlight flit. He's in his own flat now in a different city but seems to have no interest in coming to get any of his stuff. And worst of all, seems to have no interest in seeing his DC (both late teens). At some point the house will have to be sold, but I'm just on the brink of starting mediation/divorce proceedings and have no idea what I'll be left with, so I understand that feeling of being in limbo.

I'm really struggling with Christmas approaching. We always used to spend the holiday together, just the four of us. I have no other family to speak of, so it will probably be just me and the 2 DC this year, which will be very sad. Or worse, he'll want to take the kids to his extended family and I'll be on my own.

It's exciting news about your cottage. I do hope you get it, as it will really be a fresh start for you. Big hugs and fingers crossed!

thanks @cakeoverexercise I don't know anyone who has had this kind of split (no real discussion, no counselling or efforts to save it, just a sharp exit and almost no continuing contact) and it is reassuring in a way to know that others are dealing with the same feelings. I'm sorry that you also have kids going through it. I've found it strange enough that my ex doesn't seem to care about the dogs! It must be very hard to deal with their bewilderment as well your own.

I hope you figure out Christmas in a positive way. I'm going to spend it with my parents but it is still going to be challenging. This might be a stupid idea, but would anyone on this thread want to do a secret Santa/ card or small gift exchange? I'm not quite sure how it would work - maybe anyone initially interested could PM me and if there are a few of us then I can follow up offline? Maybe we could divide into pairs for a small gift exchange (definitely nothing expensive, maybe max £10 value?) At some point we would need to share names and addresses, at least within our pair, so it would have to be limited to those that have posted on the thread for a bit of ID verification.

Maybe a stupid idea but I know lots of us are dreading Xmas and maybe a bit of moral support from an internet stranger might help at a difficult time?

@harlemriver I think that's a lovely idea! It would be nice to step out of the virtual world for just that day. I'm very unlikely to get any presents this year as my ex was the only one that got me anything (usually stuff I didn't want!) so a token gift would make it feel like Christmas.

Hope you've had good news re the cottage. X

@harlemriver I think that’s a wonderful idea re secret Santa or gift exchange. I would be very keen to participate and spread a little joy to us all this Christmas time (which is going to be very different for a lot of us). Thank you for thinking of it 🎄🎅🏻

Thank you all for replying. I’m struggling to articulate a thought at the moment. None of it makes sense. It’s s so terrifying watching your whole life implode in slow motion and being unable to stop it, and having my best friend in the world suddenly acting like a stranger to me. I want to scream and scream and scream.

I won’t join in the present giving if you don’t mind. Don’t want to be Scrooge but have a lot to juggle this year so trying not to take on anything extra. Still utterly miserable but getting through the days. Haven’t heard a word from ex dp and equally haven’t contacted him. It’s so strange how someone can just go from being in your life everyday to just completely gone more or less overnight. I didn’t have that with my ex husband as we have kids so I still see him all the time which is fine as our split was mutual and amiable and many years in the past now. I am starting to feel quite angry with my ex dp that he could blow up my life the way he did and then just walk away and never check back in on me again. He was always a bit selfish though. I used to think it was good boundaries but that was too generous of me. Ffs, this is so hard.

Can I ask everyone, do you think I’m expecting too much here or is my XH particularly emotionally immature?

Today has been a tough milestone as the Divorce came through this morning so it feels like yet another ‘pick the scab off again’ moment. So I am officially a divorced person 😔. I’m still having to live with him for now and I was hoping that we could calmly acknowledge it when I got back today.

When I did bring it up his response and body language was pretty much ‘slightly defensive’, which made me feel even worse! All I would have liked is a bit of sensitivity and respecting the moment for me, but he carried on preparing his meal and barely looked me in the eye.

I know it’s not healthy & I’m wrong for wanting him to make me feel a bit better, I realise that there’s nothing really that he can say, but I would have appreciated a genuine conversation where he didn’t make me feel I had no right to ask!

So, am I expecting too much? Did anyone else find their other halves behaving like that, like you’re someone they barely know? Or is it simply that most men are not emotionally mature? I wish I could feel some kind of closure but I can’t get there. Perhaps we never really get closure?

@RandomDepressedPun I hope you are not too despairing today, keep posting and venting, sometimes I think even just the writing things down on here helps slightly.

xx

Just to say that I wished I have found this thread before, have been desperate looking for some support during my separation and there seemed to be nothing out there. I have gone through the wars, my name was dragged through mud for the simple purpose of progressing my ex financial case, thanks god judges know it better. However it is sad that unless you want to fight for two years and spend all your money in solicitors, most of us just give up for the sake of our mental health and for our children. I feel bruised by I signed the consent this week and I am now ready for a new chapter, finances are a concerns but at least I am free of this... Big hug to everyone who went through hell

great @cakeoverexercise and @needtocomeoutofdenial I will follow up with you off the thread then.

@AloneAgain2023 that sounds really really tough. I think your situation is particularly hard. You are not expecting too much to want acknowledgement and connection from your ex - of course he should be able to engage with you in a mature way that acknowledges your marriage even now it has ended. Unfortunately I don't think that you will get that from him, and hoping for it is only going to lead to more sadness and disappointment. Much like the radical acceptance that I keep banging on about, I think we have to let go of the hope that we will get the closure and acknowledgment that we want, in the way that we would like it. I never see my ex in person but his complete lack of emotional attachment to me is evident in every aspect of his voice and body language. It is clear that he feels nothing for me now, and I find that lack of connection very very painful even on occasional phone calls. I can only imagine how hard it is when you are still sharing the same house. I hope you don't have long to wait for your own flat.

I had an interview for my cottage today. I'm not very hopeful. The owner is looking for a long-term tenant and I think I came across as too unmoored (no family of my own, no family locally, working at an employer that is known in the area to be in difficult financial circumstances....) And when he asked why I'd moved to the area in the first place I started to explain that it was for my marriage and then started crying! Not the weeping and wailing kind but the leaky tears that just won't stop. Which made me feel utterly ridiculous (and mortified the owner). I'm actually still feeling a bit teary now, for the first time in ages. I suppose it's the emotion that's been stirred up by thoughts of moving and everything that brings to the surface.

I had a panic attack last night trying to sort out the practicalities and financial future. Desperate to keep the house for our ds’s future. He’s quite autistic and unlikely to be able to work. STBXH insists he will continue to pay the mortgage. I think he’s being far too impractical. He’s going to stay living at home, I can’t see him being able to pay for two households. I told him I can’t trust him to do the best by our son anymore. It’s all such a fucking mess.

He said he was unhappy for years. My heart is shattered, I had no idea, I thought we were so close. I feel so stupid. Said I wish I’d never met him. I wish I was dead.

@RandomDepressedPun You're right, you can't trust him. You have to do what you need to do to keep that roof over your head. I suggest seeing a financial planner who will help you work out what you will need financially going forward and into the future. Then you can go to a solicitor, or to mediation armed with that knowledge. I too have a dc who is likely to be living with me long-term, so I understand that anxiety. What you need at the moment is clarity, not half-baked promises from an untrustworthy ex. Good luck, small steps, don't let it overwhelm you. Big hugs. X

@harlemriver thank you for your response. I did actually have another go at bringing it up later last night and to be fair, at that point, he did stop and have a conversation about things which did, rightly or wrongly, make me feel a little better.

I do agree with you though, that in the main we don’t get closure. Maybe some people do, but I imagine mostly not. Sometimes I’m not even sure what closure may look like? My XH acknowledges that he could have done things differently, but ultimately he didn’t! And therefore my pain can’t really be taken away.

I feel desperately for you about how your ex is still so cold, and I can completely relate to how painful that feels. I think that’s why I have on occasion wanted to calmly and quietly explain to mine just how unnecessarily hurtful it is to be that way - regardless of everything, to feel a touch of kindness, compassion, and empathy from them means a lot.

I’m also so sorry your cottage interview didn’t go too well 😔 I can relate to the random crying episodes at inopportune moments, completely involuntary. There are umpteen occasions to continue tripping us up for quite a while yet I expect. I’m anticipating my next ones will be the actual moving out day - relief on the one hand but a sense of finality on the other. Handing over my keys to him and saying goodbye etc, on that day is going to trigger a LOT I think. I am very aware that it will overshadow any excitement about moving into my own place. To be honest this whole process has gone on so long that I no longer feel any excitement at all, I would still prefer to have my ‘old life’ back if I had the choice.

I hope you are able to find your ‘next step forward’ sooner rather than later. Fingers crossed that if you don’t get this cottage, another property is just round the corner 🤞

@RandomDepressedPun lots of hugs to you after your really bad day, I wish there were something more helpful I could say. You are in a tricky situation, but there will be help and solutions for you somewhere out there - legal help, Citizens Advice etc. I think if you are able to take one step and get some help or advice, it will help you continue the momentum, just one appointment would give you a teeny bit of confidence that there are answers out there.

I too was told by XH that he had been unhappy for years and had checked out long ago. It’s brutal to hear, no question. Alongside the practical advice, do see your Doctor about some kind of help, even temporarily over the next few months to see you over the bill.

Hugs and 💐 to you tonight.

@RandomDepressedPun … over the next few months to see you over the hill (not bill!🙄)…

Thank you @AloneAgain2023 and @cakeoverexercise. I had a bit of a better day today. He went out all day while I worked from home, and now he’s staying at his mum’s for the weekend. It is easier when he’s not here. I’m pleased with how I am more capable than I thought. I did get very upset though as he picked our son up after school so they could spend a few hours together - absolutely fine of course, but ds mentioned that they had done an activity that was something we traditionally did together every Christmas at the start of the season so… yeah. I’m not cross he did it, I’m glad my ds got to do it and maybe dh thought I wouldn’t be up for it. One thing I am sure of is he won’t use ds as a point scoring exercise - that I DO trust him on. He is a wonderful dad. But jeeeesus it hurt.

We did have a very productive conversation last night about finances. I do think that for now he really wants to do best by me, but I’m not stupid enough to believe this won’t ever change!! But I do trust he will act in ds’ best interests. It was a good talk. Despite everything I don’t want to see him in a shitty mouldy flat eating noodles until he dies so we’re strongly considering him living with us permanently until it just doesn’t work again - which could be a day or a decade. But worth trying. I have said if he wants to start dating again he has to move out. I can’t bear it otherwise.

i’m speaking to Citizens Advice next week and I had my first counselling session today. It was good - I didn’t cry. In fact I hardly cried today. I think I have finally accepted it is over. I am still absolutely distraught by this and love him beyond words, but I feel like that frightened desperation to make him change his mind has gone and I feel a bit more at peace. Taking it day by day. I get terribly upset missing his kisses ibut I realised today the thought of kissing him suddenly now feels really wrong - he feels too much like a stranger now. I want to go back to how things were before, not pick things up with this man who now feels alien to me.

I hate this.

@RandomDepressedPun I completely hear you on the alien feelings; I am at this point where your heart bleeds that it's gone and this person is just a someone. I think it pains me that we use to be so close but now it's nothing, but it hurts it's no longer a something.
It's not as much the hurt at times but it's knowing that person is no longer the comfort blanket that I had in my life and how I feel it isn't effecting him.

He does say he only has peace when he sleeps that his life feels better for a few hours and that it kills him the out young boys are upset and he upset me. He says he still crys all the while and he just needs to 'find himself' at first I thought I could see through it and gave him opportunity. It's been six months and now I've just started thinking he is selfish, he turns up with his car clean and sparkly, hair cut and looking nice. I wouldnt deprive him ever of that but it seems at times he couldn't cope with the pressure of life and wanted to take a break and that's at my expense because I am the one picking up all the pieces.

He has kept me on a string with no closure all this time, promises me there is no one but won't commit to reconciling saying what will people think etc. I am at the point now where I'm done and he has asked to do counselling, I've said what's the point now unless you know what your aim is to get out of it. I'm worried now I've started feeling better its a ploy to have me open up so he can gain power again and I can't keep doing it.

Everyones story absolutely kills me, because feelings and emotions can be so amazing but at the same time so cruel. I just want to remind everyone we are going to get through this one small step at a time and when we are there we will find happiness again. In ourselves and with someone else, this is a journey we were meant to go on and for whatever reason we all need to focus on it being an amazing outcome. Let's manifest that vision, however far in the distance, we will get there! X

Hello all. It's been a while since I posted. It is coming up for a year since the abuse started to become really bad and the event that made me run. Whilst my heart has started to heal and I feel much more able to face the future, I am not sure how I am going to feel on the actual anniversary. I have planned to take the day off as I think I might be a wreck. I have long since accepted that I won't get closure. He will never admit what he did to me. What makes me so sad is that this is not the man I married. I am not sure I will ever get over that. I am trying to get out and about, but I feel desperately lonely, even in the company of my wonderful friends.

@RandomDepressedPun and @Mirrorbright I understand the pain, I know it doesn't help in the moment, but it does get easier. Looking back to those early days when the pain was so raw and the sense of betrayal so overwhelming I chose just to feel it all. Despite it being the worst feelings I have ever felt and sometimes I didn't know how to get through the next few hours let alone the rest of my life, I am glad I chose to feel those feelings. I am no longer in that place and I can see progress, and I know that I can get through anything now.

Sending hugs to all.

@Itisallgoingtobeok I can relate to you saying you don’t think you’ll ever get over it. I can also relate to your loneliness, despite being with people.

I’m now many months in and it hurts just as much (not helped in my circumstances by having to still live there for now), but even allowing for that I really feel like I’ve been so damaged by the rejection & abandonment.

Even when I see friends, as soon as we go our separate ways, that heavy hearted pain immediately comes back.

I’ve had to stay at parents home this weekend (Dad / Stepmum), and although they’re kind in their concern for me, it’s obviously not ideal as a middle aged woman having to stay with parents! I think as they are quite set in their ways, and have their own health challenges, they’ve found it tricky having someone coming into their space and things turned slightly fractious tonight, and so I’ve actually come to bed tonight feeling even MORE alone! 😢

My XH really was my main world, and I feel very very lost and adrift now. And despite people saying the obvious things - you’ll move on in time etc etc, I’m really not convinced that I will. Equally I can’t imagine wanting to meet anyone else - my trust & confidence has been completely shredded. Therefore I only see loneliness ahead.

I feel very black tonight 🖤

@AloneAgain2023 i can relate to that feeling of sadness and loneliness even when you’re with friends and family. For me I think it’s because previously if I met up with friends etc on my own I’d look forward to seeing my partner one I left my friends and my thoughts would turn to him on the way home. I hope you will be able to move out soon, it must be extra hard to be living under the same roof as your ex. I haven’t seen mine since the break up and am dreading bumping into him, which is bound to happen at some stage as we live close to each other. There’s no easy answer to any of this stuff, I guess we just have to keep plodding on and trying to find pockets of happiness where we can.

Thank you @Ginerous. I’m the same, I always preferred it when it was just ‘we two’. Like you, if I was with friends or family, I would look forward to going back to my home and my hubby. Now it’s no longer my home, and he’s no longer my hubby. And worse than that, he’s someone else’s boyfriend 😔

I’m still firmly in the ‘I don’t want this new life that I’ve been forced into’. It’s like the proverbial nightmare that I won’t be waking up from.

After struggling being at the parents house for the past 2 nights, I opted to stay in a hotel tonight! Not an expensive one (£48 for the night), but I have to say I feel more relaxed! I’m chilling on the bed in my robe, TV on, magazines around me! I’ve been technically homeless for several months now, and it’s so unsettling and miserable.

There will probably be a few more weekends that I need to ‘go somewhere else’ before I’m able to move out. I don’t have many ‘free’ options, so I’ve been looking at AirBnBs as well as inexpensive hotels, although I could do without spending that money really. But I think at the moment I’m better being on my own, I’m rather miserable & cranky company!

I hope everyone is managing okay this weekend 💐

Happy Monday everyone, I hope that this week is a good one. @AloneAgain2023 glad that you are finding some rest a hotel, that sounds like a very necessary break. Another option might be a retreat centre, if you have any interest in meditation? Some are very expensive but others aren't, and it could be a healing way to start to recover a bit from the past months @Ginerous and @Mirrorbright glad that you are keeping going and finding ways through.

My news is that I've been offered the cottage that I saw last week. It's an exciting new beginning but as with almost everything else in the past few months it's prompted unexpected feelings. I'm excited, and relieved to know what my next step will be, but also feeling very sad and a bit uncertain. It's not exactly regret - I know that there is no possibility of reconciliation - but that feeling of 'how on earth did this happen? How did I get here? Mixed with a bit of fear for the future on my own. I suppose a level of anxiety is a natural reaction to making big life changes. But I'm trying to focus on the future and the lovely opportunities that the new house and lifestyle has to offer. And it is exactly what I wanted so I do feel very lucky and happy that I found it.