A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@Ginerous you're right! No matter how a relationship ends it hurts, and each in their own ways I suppose! I 100% know what you mean about not wanting to go there again with anyone else! This is what I thought would be my life and we have shared so many memories together I just couldn't think of starting a life with anyone else! I'm also struggling with feeling like I've let the kids down too as financially I'm going to really struggle and it's just not fair on them. Just every emotion under the sun at the moment but it is very fresh so I'm hoping as the days go on it gets easier. Lovely to feel there are people to talk to in here though as much as my friends are amazing, they don't and can't fully understand how I'm feeling 😞

@AloneAgain2023 I agree, it's a very different ball game in your 50s as opposed to your 40s. After 25 years of being with one person, I truly can't imagine myself being even remotely interested in someone else. Add to that all the physical challenges of the menopause and it just feels hopeless. I too enjoyed being married to a great extent (though not necessarily to my ex!) I hate being 'the single one' now, as most of my friends are married. And I hate having to make every decision myself. But the positive flip side of that is not having to answer to anyone and just suiting myself. @Pinky8383 you're still in the early stages of 'grief' for the relationship. But the fact that you've both come to the same decision is positive as hopefully you'll both want the best for your children. And at 40 you have plenty of time to forge a new life for yourself and your children. There was no-one else involved in mine and my ex's breakup just over 4 months ago now. He became more and more absent, working away a lot until it became apparent there was nothing left of our relationship. But him leaving was still traumatic and emotionally devastating, and I'm only now starting to pick myself up off the floor and really take stock of what the future looks like. It does take time to get your head round it. Seeing a counsellor really helped me, and she showed me that what I'm going through is very much like grieving someone who's died. Anyway, I just wanted to say that you will be ok and hopefully happier in the long run. X

Thinking of all of you who are hurting today. My ex is has something important on today and I am desperate to send him a message wishing him luck but I also know it’s a bad idea, so posting here instead. Some days are definitely worse than others. I wish I could get him out of my head, I hate that he takes up so much space there still.

@cakeoverexercise thank you for your message! That's exactly what it feels like, grief for what could have been. Tonight is my first night staying back with my parents while he spends the weekend with the kids and I've just cried constantly! It's awful! Just feel like I'm massively regretting it (even though my head knows it's right!) It's so hard! I'm pleased you're starting to get there, and that speaking to a counsellor has helped. I may look into that too. I just feel emotionally drained xx

Hey all,

I have been keeping up to date on everyone's journey and some of the stories are diblitating, I'm so sorry what your going through.

Tbh I feel like I'm being strung along by my Xhusband, he left 5 months ago and we've just started talking on better terms. I don't know have put huge efforts to get to here in the hope of reconciliation as he has been smearing me as a Narcassist to anyone that will listen, I've spent the last 3 years where he has done anything to make me fit into that narrative ie not helping or watching me struggle then when I'm over whelmed and snappy I fit the category and then throwing the trending words when you look it up ie I feel like I'm walking on egg shells at me when we talk to try and come to resolution, after he has completely ignored me whilst I cry upstairs and shout abusive stuff. I've spent a lot of money on counselling and CBT to get myself in a better head space because I was so worried I was this person.

He's said I could keep the house, but has taken out two lots of credit attached to the house even though he isn't here of £6K.

I don't know why I feel the need for him to see me as a good person, maybe because it's horrible knowing someone you love thinks of you that way, I find it unbareable? He is now saying he will do counselling with me , after I paid for his alone and he says it was pointless. That he will take small steps with me, but that's only because today said I'm done, I've tried for 5 months to try and get closure or resolution; he picks up texts when he feels like it and hardly replys, says we should meet up, come to his new house, try and work at things, brings me a doghnut off the kids and when I ask them they say dad told us to pick it for you (I know it sounds petty, but it gave me hope)... throwing me a few crumbs here and there and I'm left here waiting. I've been saying all along I didn't want to be his friend and all of a sudden this, let's do counselling but it's baby steps only.

I just am starting to think it's another way to breadcrumb me into believing there is something.

Where do I even start with this update.

Obviously I knew he had a new GF but he’s gone Facebook official with her today. And it’s just hit me so hard even though I knew it was coming.

What hurts even more is that at the start of all this he sat down and said he doesn’t want to be a dad, never does don’t know if he ever will. There’s a video one Facebook of him playing happy families with his new gf and her kids.

Did he leave because I couldn’t give him what he wanted? Is this all my fault?

I can’t help but feel bitter and think well atleast his mum gets the grandkids she’s always wanted.

So sorry to hear that @MrsChicken89 that's a real blow. It's not your fault. He didn't do it because of you, or anything you did or didn't do. He did it because he wanted to. Because it made him feel good, and that was/is more important to him than your feelings. Which makes him a shitty selfish person, and that is really hard for you now but it is not your fault. It's hard to check back through these threads so I can't remember the details of your split, but as hard as it is now, and particularly tonight, you will get through this and you will be ok. Stronger and wiser and hopefully much happier.

Hello everyone. @MrsChicken89, @harlemriver is spot on. It is not your fault. It is his, and his alone. I know it is hard not to feel that you "should have known" or "done something different", but you couldn't have done anything, because he was going to do what he was going to do.

I have spent a lot of the last couple of years feeling as though everything was my fault, he manipulated my mind until I carried all of the guilt. It is only now with some time and space that I can see that none of this was my doing. It will take time, and I won't pretend that it was easy, but you will get to a point where that feeling goes away, and hopefully lighter days will come.

@harlemriver @Itisallgoingtobeok thank you, I was just getting better with it all, feeling like I could start to move on. This has just sent me spiralling.

we spent 5 years ttc & halve way through adoption when he announced he doesnt want kids, never does, doesn’t want them now or anytime in the near future. Now he’s playing dad.

Its taking everything in me not to explode at him. To be the bigger person in all this.

aaah that is a very hard situation for you and understandably is going to hurt like hell. Anger, grief, all very natural reactions right now. But don't turn it into blaming yourself. The more I read about cheaters the more it seems that it is a certain personality type. Of course relationships end, but the way that it comes to an end tells us a lot about the real character of the person. As the saying goes - when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Someone who can walk out of a marriage and immediately start playing happy families with another woman is not someone who was going to stay by your side through thick and thin. As sad and hard and hurtful as it is, maybe it will one day feel like a relief that it happened now and not in ten or twenty years from now. (Though when people say that to me I always want to say, why couldn't it have happened ten or fifteen years before now and saved me all those wasted years! Just trying to find another way of saying - you will be ok. )

@MrsChicken89 Hugs xx and how strange, my ex went public on FB this weekend too! I signed the legal stuff on Friday so maybe he was waiting for that. So after 25 years he’s waited 3 months from me finding out he was cheating on me with her. Am going to try and not look at his status for the rest of the week but it’s really hard.

Block them all on FB and don’t go pain shopping. Nothing good ever comes of it.

@Didsomeonesaydogs I completely agree, it's like we sabotage ourselves. Been there done that got the hurt T-Shirt several times.

@MrsChicken89 @CherryPieface I’m so sorry for your pain at their happy, shiny new lives, I can relate!

I’m still having to live with stbxh for now while I wait to move into a flat, although it’s not ideal, unfortunately it works for me geographically for work. He has been seeing OW for most of this year (including I suspect while we were still married😡). She has never been here though and has no idea we’re still ‘living together’!

He would like to have her over on the odd weekend and has asked if I would go to stay with parents for those days - as it’s now his house, rather than ours, I have no choice but to go along with this ‘plan’. It’s a really difficult, surreal situation, and I have to say it’s keeping my emotional pain static.

My parents live far enough away to make living there permanently too much of a daily journey to my clients, that’s why I’m still here, purely for practical / logistical reasons, (the odd weekend or few days is manageable).

But of course the consequences of this arrangement, even though there is light at the end of the tunnel, is that it’s sort of ‘right under my nose’. Most days it’s okay, but for instance he went out this afternoon (presumably to see her) and has come back this evening and I can hear him humming & singing to himself in the kitchen!! 😡 And naturally to hear him so chirpy & happy is infuriating, and hurts at the same time. They don’t deserve to feel happy do they?!

Where is Karma when you need it! It all feels so bloody unfair, and cruel! I’m still coming to terms with everything, all the lying / cheating / tears / pain etc, and he’s living his shiny new life 😤

Big hugs to everyone still hurting tonight 💐 How about we all make dolls & stick pins in them - lots and lots and lots of pins! 😆

Jeez @AloneAgain2023 I cant begin to process how you’re coping with this situation, you are so strong! It’s bad enough being in the same city with my ex. I hope you can move into a new flat very soon xxx

Thank you @CherryPieface, but I really am very much NOT strong. I can honestly say that this year has been the most traumatic of my life, and that isn’t being melodramatic 😔. There have been several delays in the conveyancing process forcing me to remain here and I have been at rock bottom so many times that I truthfully have wanted to end it all on a few occasions.

We have generally rubbed along okay in the main, but as you can imagine, it means I’m very much ‘stuck’ emotionally and won’t truly be able to move on until I can leave. I have days (& definitely nights) where I’m utterly consumed with sadness & hurt over the lying & cheating & betrayal, and then other times I feel so angry (like I have been today). Either way, it’s incredibly destructive.

As everyone keeps saying, once I’m no longer here & seeing him every day, I can hopefully begin to move on and heal and find some peace - I seriously hope that’s the case 🙏.

Hi girls,
I am totally new here.
Currently going through divorce, he signed the documents. There is emotional abuse at home for the past 1,5 years. He doesn’t admits to it.
on todays occasion he called me a “piece of shit” on front of our 2 year old son and asked him to repeat it.
I don’t know if I should use solicitors (I don’t have much money)… we still live together and he won’t move out. We own the house.
I started to get universal credit as the “twat” won’t contribute to food as he pays for mortgage and I pay for the childcare.
he won’t agree on my new shift pattern, he makes everything so bloody difficult.
i had to sleep on the floor for 3 weeks as he decided to come back to the big bed next to my little one’s bedroom. My son used to sleep with me now he can’t as I have a tiny bed that I purchased on fb market …
I don’t know what would be the base case scenario for me. Selling the house or trying to buy him out? I swear to god I hate this human, he is so toxic and manipulative…
Please girls tell me what is the best option for me

@Cloudy93 oh I’m so so sorry, your situation sounds incredibly difficult. You have come to the right place and hopefully someone will come along and post some advice for you. I can’t relate to your exact circumstances (no children & no abuse really) but I can relate to having to remain under the same roof in an unhealthy situation.

Do you have any way of going to stay elsewhere with the children? I know it’s far more problematic when you have little ones to consider, but parents for example?

You can usually get a free initial consultation with a solicitor who will be able to give advice on your particular case, ie what your financial circumstances are and your rights with regard to the home.

I would also see Citizens Advice to get more information and help. There will be help out there for you, so gather as much info as you can from as many places as you can. If at all possible also try and gather (discreetly) some financial info and records regarding yourself and your husband - earnings / bills / childcare etc.

As I say, someone with more similar experience will hopefully reply on here soon, but do use this forum to vent and moan - it does help!

Hugs and best wishes to you 💐

Nervously joining the thread. DH of 25 years (11 married) announced 2 days ago he wanted a divorce. Life is too hard and though he loves me he doesn’t think we work as a couple any more. Absolutely not considering any form of trying to save it, says it’s over. I’m disabled and our child is too so we’re thinking of him continuing to stay living at home - financially we couldn’t manage anyway. I am devastated to the point of wanting to die (I won’t). I love him with all my heart

Anyone? I feel so desperate and alone

@RandomDepressedPun I'm sorry - I've not been following this thread as closely for the past few days. I am sorry that you are feeling so alone and devastated. It sounds like this was completely out of the blue for you, which must have been a huge shock.

Do you have support around you? It really helps to have someone, whether that is a friend or family member or a therapist. In the first days I even kept blurting out that I was getting divorced to random people, which I'm a bit embarassed about now (I'm normally very reserved) but I found support in the most unlikely places.

Do reach out for help, here or anywhere else. It is very hard, particularly if you don't want to divorce, but you are stronger than you feel right now and you will get through this. There is lots of good advice here on MN and elsewhere on the internet. For now, just keep going - you are not alone. There are many many people who understand how painful this is, and who have come through the other side. I'm thinking of you tonight.

So sorry you are feeling like this. I have been lurking on here but am also separated and but living in the same house. Probably until end of June. Sending you a big hug and hand hold. You are not alone. Can you talk to anyone in real life? To get some support.

@RandomDepressedPun I’m so so sorry you are in this horrendous situation. Like @harlemriver I haven’t been on for a while, so I’ve just seen your posts. But you are NOT alone.

It really is the most awful time as everyone on here can testify, and with your own challenges as well as your child too, I can only begin to imagine how heartbroken and scared you must feel.

Most of us on this thread, like you, don’t want this to be happening to us - even several months in, I still have these moments of panicky horror thinking ‘this can’t be happening!’. It does feel like a nightmare that you don’t get to wake up from. And I will say, like you, there are times I have wanted to end it all, not wanting this new life that I’m being thrown into. I have even been tempted to call the Samaritans at times just to talk it over with someone.

As Harlem says, do speak to people and reach out for help, even if it’s to just vent and cry - you are absolutely allowed and it’s important to do so. Also like Harlem, I found myself telling all sorts of people - my clients have been wonderfully kind and always ask how I’m doing, but I too found myself telling random people! I’m one of those people who doesn’t have a huge circle of friends, I’m probably quite introverted and so it really can feel like I am dealing with this alone at times.

Like a lot of people, I don’t know anyone in real life going through this right now, and so this forum & this thread in particular, has been a godsend to me. You really are NOT alone, please please check in anytime to tell us what’s happening and how you’re feeling. I often found that just knowing that so many others are going through the same and similar, really did help.

Feel free to PM me if you prefer, but certainly do write down your thoughts on here and hopefully others will come along soon to give help.

💐 and hugs to you x

Thank you so much for coming back to me, I am in such a state. I can’t believe this is happening and am really struggling to accept it. I am utterly bereft and in heavy denial as to how this can be happening and how he’s prepared to end our marriage rather than save it.

At the moment I am being completely tortured by the thought of him being with another woman (I am the only person he’s ever been with) and tortured by the thought of never being with him again. I’m trying really hard not to picture this but the thought won’t stop coming and it’s killing me.

please be gentle

There is no other woman btw. Or man. He says he’s far from interested in dating again and I do believe him. For now!