A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@Tinyminx thank you so much and I’m so pleased that life is getting better for you. You sound in a much better place xxxxx. My husband left yesterday - I’m just broken. In the end I told him he had to go - for six weeks, he has been going back and forward to his flat with stuff but still sleeping here.

I know it’s for the best and I know this is what he wants. But I’m just heartbroken. He texted last night to ask how kids were. I’m still in shock that he’s done this. My family know now and I know will support me - my sister came over last night and talking definitely helps but I’m just beyond heartbroken. I think it’s the way he can just throw everything away that hurts most. The house feels empty just now - my kids are sleeping and I dread when they will have to go to his - I just wish I could feel stronger xxxx

@Tinyminx I messaged you back in the early days, and I am so happy to read your latest update. So glad that you have reached this point, and a lot sooner than me! I wish you so much good luck and a lovely future x

@lurker1000 i really feel for you, I have been in your shoes. I think you have done the right thing by asking him to move out properly, the back and forth is confusing for you and the kids. The emptiness in the house afterwards can be awful though. All I can offer is the usual advice - take each day as it comes, try not to think too far ahead. Accept that will feel destroyed and broken for the next while but remember it does gradually get better. Lean on friends and family as much as you can. Following my break up from my partner two months ago I am still at the crying every day phase and cannot stand to think about the future without him but I am functioning- sleeping and eating which is an improvement. it is so hard and there is no magic wand, just time. Remember it is grief, a bereavement and deserves the same respect. My therapist told me that many people tell her it would be easier if their husband had died rather than left them as they would be offered the appropriate support. I hope you manage ok over the next few days.

@Didsomeonesaydogs thanks for the advice. I didn’t want to get into the whole not doing washing thing and even this week I have been offering to make tea. But you are right I can’t be that person any more.

I have always done everything washing, cleaning, DIY, the lifts for the kids here and there so it’s about time he started to be independent!

I told my husband to leave and go and stay with his parents. Sadly I have been begging him all week to try again one last time. The needy me wouldn’t stop and I was met with I’m done. I have no feelings for you, then I have feelings for you because you are the mother of my kids. He told me he needed space to think as it was a big decision to make but for me being told “I’m done” and no feelings shows there is no coming back. So I told him to go stay with his parents knowing this will be it! His parents will probably be telling him they are worried about how I am with the kids (in no way shape or form would I ever neglect my children. They are now and have always been my focus and my purpose)
Even though I have no appetite now and haven’t for 2 weeks. I have just cooked a bolognaise ready to reheat later for their tea so at least when he comes to pick my daughter up to take her to training he will know that they do not have to worry.

I am terribly scared about how my middle daughter will take this as she is very much for my husband and her grandparents.
I frightened about my future how does everyone cope on one income that is quite low. I just need hand holding and has much advice and positivity that it will be ok

Ok I'm meeting new FWB man for my 2nd date tomorrow. Can I just say...it has completely lifted me from this hole of misery. I have not thought of my ex AT ALL. Ex is here staying for a few nights as it is half term and I'm no longer the least bit bothered. I can see why ex has moved forward so fast!!

Good for you. I've had 4 nights over the last month with my new FWB and it's really helped me stop moping over that pathetic fool.

It has been a while since I posted. Hello to all the new joiners, I am so sorry you are here, but it is a wonderfully supportive thread.

Emotionally I seemed to be reasonably stable the last few weeks, and then yesterday I fell to pieces completely. I think it suddenly hit me full in the face what has happened. I feel utterly frozen to the spot, and unable to see the future again. I spent most of yesterday crying, I couldn't stop. Perhaps it is better to let it all out, but it has left me feeling exhausted and empty. I am so sad that this man, the man I gave several decades of my life to, has robbed me of ever having another relationship. I could never trust anyone again after what he did to me.

He was controlling and attacking me was the ultimate act of control, not just in the moment, but the lasting damage will hang over me for the rest of my life. The worst of it was he said the attack was my fault. I brought it on myself. I know that isn't true, but those words ring in my ears and the look on his face of utter hatred as he told me are seared into my brain.

I am having therapy, and I hope in time that will help things to heal and fade. Has anyone found a way of trying to grasp some hope? I know I am better off without him, but just now I feel as though my life has been destroyed.

Hugs to all.

Hey @Itisallgoingtobeok I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling, how are you feeling today? Separation and divorce are very much a rollercoaster ride of emotions. That bad days will get less frequent and less intense in time.

It's all quiet from the stbxh although I worry he's putting our dc in a position they shouldn't ever be put in - sending his demands requests though them (dad says you have to.....) and then telling them to keep secrets from me which is so out of order imo. Just being a pita

Hi all - @Itisallgoingtobeok sorry to hear that you've had another drop. I think it is normal to expect up and down days. Have you tried the Freedom Project, which I often see recommended on Mumsnet? It specifically addresses leaving abusive relationships and understanding the ties that keep you in them. That may help? I hope the therapy will help you as well.

More generally, in terms of staying hopeful, I find it helps not to think too far ahead. Who knows what our life will look like in a year's time or five or ten? It's impossible to predict. But a shorter window is less daunting and more manageable. I am using a time span of six months - so I have made a list of things that I want to do between now and March, in a number of areas (health and fitness, style and beauty, friends and family, career, money etc etc). It's mostly small things - going to the gym regularly, starting a yoga class, drinking less wine, making an effort to socialise with new people, doing some Duolingo in a language that I've wanted to learn for years and not got round to, planting bulbs for the spring. I'm also leaning heavily on 'self-care' - reading lots of novels, using nice bath products, trying not to beat myself up about productivity in other areas.

Basically, I have been trying to consciously bring things into my life that I enjoy and feel a little boost about, with the hope that they might be the seeds that grow into something more hopeful in the future. I find that helps me feel hopeful, both in drawing up the list and in ticking off things as I do them.

I also find it helps to remember that while divorce feels like a step backwards from happiness, if the relationship was not good it is actually a HUGE step forwards to be out of it. I am much, much much closer to having the life that I want for myself now that I am no longer tied in a relationship with someone that wasn't really on my side and was never going to be willing to put my interests/preferences/desires first.

Also - if anyone is looking for an audio book, BBC Sounds are streaming the adaptation of Monica Heisey's Really Good Actually https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0dv9tv4

It's great and very funny. I read the book earlier in the year and quite enjoyed it but it is hitting very differently now that I've been living through it myself!

I completely agree with @harlemriver, don't look too far ahead but focus on yourself and what you want over the next couple of months.
I went to the theatre last night to see a play. This is something I love but have never had the chance to in the 13 years of being with stbxh because it's not his thing and it always felt like an excessive amount to spend on just myself. I had the most wonderful evening. I also have a puppy yoga class booked in during November. I think trying to plan in one "single girl" activity once a month is keeping my mind focused on the pros of the split and help keep me positive thinking of the future full of possibilities.

@Shewhobecamethesun I've just looked up puppy yoga! Puppies roaming around in a yoga class sounds like an excellent therapy. And very funny. Now off to see if there is anyone offering it in my city....

It looks wonderful doesn't it? Absolute serotonin boost and cheaper than actual therapy. The one I'm going to even let's you pick which breed of puppy you get to play with

Hi I am waiting for the final hearing, regarding divorce, it has been ugly so far, we just cant agree. Has anybody got any tips on Final hearing and do you still think that it favours ladies.
I have 2 teenage girls one 18 and the other 16, They both live with me.

Hi all, I haven't updated for a while but have been following the thread religiously. Sorry to see so many new joiners, but also welcome to the fold. I'm in a much better place emotionally, less of a rollercoaster and really not missing ex at all now he's moved out. He was being more communicative for a while, having cut me dead for a few months, but it seems to be waning again. Today I took the plunge and spoke to a solicitor about next steps for a (hopefully) amicable divorce. I'm hoping we can go through mediation (depending on if ex remains cordial) as the expense of it all is scaring me somewhat. She was very helpful but I left the conversation feeling absolutely overwhelmed with what's to come, and whether I'm going to lose my current level of lifestyle which is comfortable, though not excessive. It's all very scary. Is anyone further along in the process that has some words of reassurance??? My feelings towards my ex are waning every day. I still have the odd moment of intense grief, but no longer miss him, am actually much happier without him, and am enjoying being on my own to a great extent, but I just want the horrible financial wrangle to be over and to be able to live comfortably with DC. Sending big hugs to all of you who are struggling. We're all going to get through this!

@Shewhobecamethesun and@harlemriver , thank you for your kind words. I am feeling a little bit better today. I have been reflecting on how I am feeling and I think this might be the next phase. I am so angry at what he has done, rather than feeling sad for my lost relationship. Maybe that is a good thing? I had to work up so much courage to leave the abuse and I think I used up all of my energy. I have so many questions I want answered, and an apology which I know will never come.

Thinking only a few months ahead is a good plan. Christmas will be difficult this year, I will be on my own. I will need to think about what I am going to do. I don't think sitting with an enormous box of Christmas sweets and crying for a week solid is going to be a good idea.

I haven't been looking after my health very well these last few months, so maybe that is a good place to start. Cook some healthy food and go for a swim again. I have spent so long pandering to his moods, I am not quite sure what to do with myself.

Sending hugs to all.

Found this about puppy yoga @Shewhobecamethesun

https://fb.watch/nW9k-FHJjg/

Hi not sure if I’m in the right place but just need to vent somewhere as this is just so hard! I’ve been with my husband 15 years, we have 2 children, 3 & 8 and we’ve decided to separate. It’s so hard because although we both know it’s the right thing…..we argue a lot, don’t agree on things, differences in parenting styles, haven’t been physical really in a long time, different outlooks on life etc but we both still love each other. Tonight we started taking about what we’re going to do logistically and it’s just hit home that this is it and I’m heartbroken! Not only for the loss of what we could have had but for the children and how this is going to affect them, and how I’m going to cope not being with them all the time! They’re my world! I really hope it gets easier but right now I’m just absolutely broken! Not sure what I’m hoping for, just a friendly ear I suppose and to know that I can do this!

Just to add it really hasn’t all been bad! We’ve had some of the most amazing times together and the thought of doing things now on my own make me so sad.

@Pinky8383 my divorce was similar. No bad behaviour from either of us, the relationship just stopped working and after counselling we both agreed to separate. It was sad and daunting but actually got easier quite quickly as there was no horrible animosity. We still did the odd thing all together as the children were very young and maintained an amicable relationship which made things easier. We both went on to meet other people after a few years and my break up from that relationship has been horrendously difficult. You can definitely do this. Try to keep it amicable and think of a few things to do while the kids are with their dad as that part is hard to begin with. After a while though you may start to appreciate your free time. Good luck. Get support where you can.

Hello all, how is everyone feeling today? I’m still going through ups and downs. For anyone who has seen my posts, you will know that I’ve been stuck still living with STBXH since we separated in March. I will be moving out having bought a flat, but there have been several delays followed by a change of purchase address, and so I’m STILL here!😔

Unfortunately it’s logistically & geographically easier to be here due to my work, and of course there is some light at the end of the tunnel but understandably I’m not going to be able to start to move on until I go. We came to an agreement to enable me to stay for a bit longer - my furniture etc is now in storage (it was until recently all over the house & garage!), so at least I know I have this as a base for the remaining weeks.

The downside is he’s seeing someone else, now all out in the open but still quite painful for me. It’s generally amicable between us & we’re managing to rub along okay, but my emotions are still pretty raw about the lying, cheating, and betrayal that had been going on. It doesn’t take much to tip me over into tears and I still feel that physical pain at times when I think of him with someone else - doing things, going places, making plans for Xmas & New Year etc! I just need to hang on for a bit longer 🙏😞

Is anyone else still having to navigate being in the same house? Just like so many others have said, it’s confusing & frustrating that I still feel this pain & hurt when he behaved badly! In theory, the thought process should be ‘good riddance to someone who didn’t always treat me well, who lied & cheated, who didn’t appear to always respect me’, but instead there is still at times an intense sadness that I just can’t shake off. There definitely has been anger, but in the main I just feel so desperately sad and my life going forward feels much smaller and emptier.

I really, really hope that it will be true that once I’m not seeing him everyday, I will find things easier and can begin to heal properly 🤞🤞. There have been ladies on here who have found that to be the case, and I’m depending on it!

Good wishes to everyone 💐

Thankyou @Ginerous yes I think in a way it makes it harder that there isn't a major reason, and that we have just grown apart. I think we'll keep it amicable and we're both absolutely doting parents so I hope that they don't suffer, it's just so raw at the moment I'm panicking if we're doing the right thing but then I do feel like a few months down the line we'd probably end up back here again. I think it's a head over heart decision but so bloody hard. I'm sorry to hear your last break up was a difficult one.

@Pinky8383 I’ve just seen your post after typing my own! I’m so sorry for you 💐

My circumstances are slightly different (no children & my husband was unfaithful) but the pain is always the same. It feels brutal. Even thinking about the logistics and practicalities is heartbreaking.

Just like you, I can look back on many good times and good years, and that thought of a different life going forward is daunting, incredibly sad, and unwanted. It’s like someone removing a limb, and then saying ‘right, off you go on your own’.

You’ve definitely come to the right place, the support on this thread has been a godsend at times. Lots of different situations and circumstances, but a common theme of pain, hurt, and heartbreak. Others on here will be able to compare notes regarding your children and how to cope with that side of things, and everyone can compare about our tears, fears, anger and looking to the future.

Feel free to vent, and hopefully we can all help each other in some way.

Hugs!

@AloneAgain2023 thank you so much for replying! That's exactly how it feels, like I'm literally on my own & starting all over again at 40. My heart just hurts and it's so hard to know if it's the right thing or not.
I'm so sorry to hear about your circumstances too and hope things get easier for you as well. 💞

@Pinky8383 ‘my heart just hurts’ is exactly it! I’m not sure if you read my update post a little while ago, but I still feel that physical pain, even after many months. But as I’ve said above, not helped in my situation by still living in the same house!

I would like to say though, although you may not think so right now, at 40 you are still young and have plenty of time to hurt, to heal, and to meet someone new (if you want to of course!). I’m in my mid fifties and I genuinely feel that my confidence and my trust has been completely shredded & destroyed by this experience, and I truly don’t know if I want to go there again. But that in itself makes me sad, I enjoyed being married and living with what I thought would be my life partner.

And also, again you won’t feel this right now, but to not have an added pain of cheating & betrayal, will give you some small comfort over the next few months. Personally, I could have accepted and dealt with a ‘just grown apart’ situation far better than the awful, complicated emotions that betrayal brings. We had grown apart in many ways, and I hold my hand up to my part in that, but if a complete 180 had been an option, I would have taken it.

But the truth is, separation & divorce really is brutal however it ends. And more so when children are involved. Hopefully from what you’ve said, despite the intense hurt you will inevitably feel, you can both get through this as gently and amicably as possible. 🤞