A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

I've done this when younger days and my less relevant relationships (I'd never do in separation from my spouse) however I do think it comes down to a maturity thing and this is why I did it;

I believe that some people can't handle emotions and fill that empty void and pain with a new satisfaction - I still missed my ex terribly, but it gave me a resource to fill my horrendous feelings instead of sitting with them. I do believe it's those that aren't comfortable sitting with their emotions that do this and they never really end up long term. It's a rebound, which is just as unfair on the other person (although you'd thought she'd question the 10 year/4 month move on).

I've learnt to sit with my emotions now and be alone because that is okay, sometimes we self teach to run away from these types of pains/trauma.

He will regret doing it, but right now see it as he's not thinking about how this is affecting you (selfish I know) but how this makes it stop affecting him as much, which ultimately only shows he cares and will do anything to stop riding the feeling of hurt - I know that doesn't stop your pain, but believe me he will still feel it and probably with more clout when guilt of doing that to you sets into.

@Ginerous @Itisallgoingtobeok I can totally relate to you you talking about life feeling grey. My world feels very small and grey going forward. Despite having problems over quite a few years, I still desperately miss the relationship we once had. And at the moment I’m stuck in a groove of being really sad and regretful of my part in the marriage failing.

I have always been honest with myself and him that I hold my hand up to what I did wrong. Unlike him I never lied or cheated, but I didn’t nurture the physical side of the relationship. He always had a far higher sex drive than me, but we had a great sex life for several years. But admittedly I let things slide in that area until to be honest it fizzled into pretty much nothing.

And although that wasn’t the only issue, it was certainly the main issue for him, I know that & I’ll have to live with it. I’m certainly not taking all the blame but I do take my share.

I am struggling these past few days about his new relationship, well not so new actually and there was definitely an overlap before we separated. That element of lying and cheating is all on him of course, but I am finding it upsetting that he is with someone else, all happy and new, and realising that she may be a better fit than I was. We were together for 18 years and part of me is still connected to our time together, even though we separated in March (still having to live together unfortunately, hopefully for not too many more weeks🤞).

I still feel like part of me is missing, and life going forward seems very empty.

@MrsChicken89 sorry you’ve just discovered there’s someone else, it really is painful to have to think about. There are so many emotions involved and it hurts so much thinking of that person who was ‘ours’, now being happy and content with someone different. I find it impossible not to go down that road of ‘she must be prettier / taller / sexier / nicer’ etc etc.
I discovered evidence of a purchase of a piece of jewellery several months ago that implied the relationship was quite serious, and it was an absolute gut punch.

Thanks everyone, I asked him if she knew about me and he said she does. So it’s on her if she gets hurt in all this.

his mum has also kicked off at him, told him he’s out of order. And he doesn’t dictate when I do/don’t go round. She also said this new fling isn’t welcome anywhere near her house. He isn’t thinking about anyone else in this just what he wants. He’s always been the same.

He’s just been round to collect the rest of his clothes, Barely spoke to him, can’t even look at him right now.

It’s so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thinking of you @AloneAgain2023 and @MrsChicken89. My ex was having an affair. She didn’t know about me though. When it all came out he ended it with her and then with me too saying he needed to be on his own to sort out his head. I do believe he regrets what he did to me but I also know he hates being on his own so it wouldn’t surprise me if he picked things up with her again, assuming she’s still interested. If not her then no doubt he’ll find someone else before long. On the other hand I can’t imagine dating again, the horror of the apps etc. I think I need to learn how to be happy on my own, but I have always struggled with that. What I am finding hard is that I thought we had such a good relationship - great sex life, enjoyed the same things, got on with each others families - I genuinely can’t work out what was wrong. My friends are all shocked that he has done what he did.

For some reason this morning has been really hard. I have just been sobbing my heart out. I can't understand why. STBXH was abusive. I am safe now. When I am unemotional I know I am sad for the relationship I should have had, for the man he was, not the man he became, but it is so hard. I think what is also hitting me badly is that I don't think I will ever be able to have an intimate relationship again after what he did to me, emotionally and physically. I know I don't need a man to have a good life, but I feel so sad that the option isn't going to be there for me now.

Today is a day to just let it all out. Soon I will make some plans for how to rebuild.

Sending hugs to all.

Hey all, I'm a month in now and I'm feeling a lot more composed. Hopefully by Christmas my ex will have moved out. I'm starting to look at things differently. I had a good run with my ex, he did the best he could. He did love me even though at the end, he became unfaithful. So I'm seeing it as one chapter closed and another one about to open. If you can try to visualise this in chapters, it's very healing. The next chapter will have more pain, different kind if pain especially as we age but undoubtedly what comes with pain is also joy . I met a woman at the pub last night who was taking a night off from being in the hospice beside her daughters bed. Ovarian cancer. It jolted things into perspective for me. I have everything going and more and I'm not going to waste any more energy pining for someone who now doesn't want me or deserve me anymore .

Trust it will get better. I'm not fully over this but I can see the light.

Oh and I have found two men who is interested in me in the murky world of a singles hookup website. Very good looking men (and single too). Primarily they are after the occasional hookup . I've not met them and absolutely do not intend to get into anything physical fast but i can't deny the validation really helps ;) and it helps that they are FAR better looking, sexier and physical than my ex on many levels. I've come off the app and kept their numbers LOL!!

@Itisallgoingtobeok oh I’m sorry you’re having a bad day, I wanted to reply because I’ve been having a bad week!

I’m still waiting to move out of the (former) marital home, and because he has someone else (which has been going on for at least most of this year, including a crossover when we were still married!), my emotions are still very stuck. I have had moments during the last 7 months since separating where I have felt not too bad, and even moments when I’ve felt a smidgeon of positivity, but the sadness & pain is only just below the surface and it doesn’t take much at all to trigger it.

I’ve felt incredibly sad & tearful for a few days now. I’ve been out for lunch with family today, and although it was quite nice getting dressed up, I really didn’t want to be there. I feel incredibly alone at the moment, but at the same time I can’t face company. I know I’m isolating myself which you shouldn’t do, but I have no motivation to mix at all. I know it will pass at some point, particularly when I’m able to FINALLY move out.

I can definitely relate to you saying you can’t imagine getting involved again, that’s exactly how I feel. My ex wasn’t abusive as such, but he had checked out long ago, and I suspect he’s been looking, if not finding, for quite a while. And so both my trust and my confidence have been completely shredded. I’m in my mid fifties now and feel that it’s possible, for several reasons, that that is it for me, and that makes me really sad 😔. I definitely don’t think you need a man in life, but I know how much I enjoyed being married, living together, and having that life partner (well, supposedly!).

I hope you feel better soon, and of course, we have an outlet on here to let it all out. 💐

Oh I am so pleased to have found this thread - I am just lost. Completely broken and lost. I've posted elsewhere - my husband is leaving - got a flat six weeks ago and has been getting it set up, all his stuff is gone and I think he will go tonight or tomorrow.

He is a gambling addict - one year clean and never got over that I didn't share my inheritance (I put away for our kids). He is very matter of fact about going - children have been to see his flat etc, he has sorted out TV fire sticks for us (he took Sky and Internet over to his new flat as in his name).

I am an absolute mess - unable to function mess. I am trying hard that he doesn't see me cry anymore, but I am beyond devastated. My family and a few close friends now know and all agree that he is acting completely and utterly out of character. He has no wish to work on things and said that I will know where he is if I want to make amends.

I want to believe in my heart that I will be better and stronger, but I honestly don't know how I can be. I absolutely adored him, we had a good life (although, I do admit to rose tinted glasses, he was an addict for five years which were hell at times) but when it was good, it was really good. I am just bloody broken that he has thrown it all away. How do you ever get back up again?

I've spoken to a lawyer re kids, inheritance etc - but he won't even speak to me about anything. Like nothing important - he will speak about TV provider etc, but when I ask what is going to happen with kids, he won't even engage - in his head, everyone is going to be happier now.

I know that he has to actually go - which I think will be in the next day or so, but I'm also dreading that final act. Never in a million years seen this coming, feel like a mug who has just been discarded.

The absolute hardest part is when you just want them back - despite everything. That's what I hate the most, that someone could hurt you so much and be so uncaring, but you just want it all to go back to normal.

When does it stop hurting so much? Please tell me that you stop wanting them back..

Almost 2 years and I've not stopped wanting him back. I have good friends and I'm forcing myself to go on a date this week.
Divorce has been done since January this year, and he dropped the bomb Nov 2021.
I still half expect/hope he will come to his senses. But he won't ever.
It's broken me.

@lurker1000 your story is very sad. It sounds as though you did the right thing with your inheritance and your husband seems to be acting very unreasonably under the circumstances, but that doesn’t make the separation any easier to deal with.

I completely empathise with the feeling of just wanting them back, even when logically you know they have behaved badly. Your heart doesn’t match your head. I feel the same way about my ex, who cheated on me. It’s awful because I also feel stupid for wanting him back when he did what he did behind my back. I am almost two months in and still feel totally bereft, although the tears aren’t coming quite as much as at the beginning. Everyone tells me it will get easier so I am trying to believe that and not let myself fantasise about us getting back together.

I hope things gradually get better for you. Be kind to yourself and do what you can to keep busy.

@Ginerous @minieggsandmaltesers Sending both a huge hug - I hope you both have strength and get there in the endxxx I've just read through all these pages and so many similarities - it is just bizarre. I think the ability their ability just switch off all feelings makes you question if any of it was ever real?? I'm going to therapy to try to help as part of me is angry at the thought that my whole life would be ruined by him - even though it feels it now....

New to this thread.
Last night my husband and I almost mutual came to an agreement (he wanted me to say it first I am sure) that it’s over. The major reason being something his parents did at our wedding 10 years ago to me making me cry on that day. He has never stood up for me and sadly I have used him as kick nag to vent my frustrations on.
his parents mainly his mother I feel is a narcissist and he has been conditioned to believe that how I have been is wrong.
I am not innocent but have put up with a lot of crap from his parents which now seems all rather pointless that I stayed with him.
One thing his mum did was shout at me 4 days after my 2nd child was born 17 years ago. She even walked into my bedroom as I was expressing. He did nothing! Should have tan then.
he told me he has never been confrontational with his parents as he had an amazing up bringing! Also told me last night that a) he is not a mummies boy and b) his mum knows him better than I do.

He has said we need to talk again about the separation said he does not want a solicitor involved.
I have repeatedly apologised to him for my behaviour.
I have listened to him over the years call me c word. A mental cow and that everything is in my head and I have no mental health issues.
it makes me wonder why I even bothered fighting and putting up with it all when he can do this.
3 weeks ago it felt like we were back in track but appears he has not been happy for years. So do I take it that everything he has said to me his a lie about the affection etc.
He said we both need to be Happy and if this is individually then so be it. and all I have ever asked is for him to just defend me and tell his parents to back away. I’m a little lost and scared now as I react stupidly all the time and say what I think
i cannot eat and just never want to wake up whenever I can sleep

What do I do as my next step. We have 3 children the youngest is 9. How do I cope financially.
Whats it like being a single mum

I'm so tired and so drained. I'm so happy we have split, I am feeling so positive about the future and moving forward with my new single life. However, STBXH seems to want to make everything 100times harder than necessary right now. And I'm so exhausted by it. I just want to work together and get along for the sake of the dc, but he's just being so petty and controlling it's just sucking the life out of me. Like today, trying to set up a mediation appointment (which he has instigates btw), he's refused to do it on any of his contact days. He's even offered to sort childcare on my days so I can attend, but he won't do that on his days. He's booked the dc dentist appointments then said he can't take them because he's working so I have to take time off to take them, he says he wants some of the furniture and household goods to take to his new place but also won't say what so I cannot start to look for possible replacements, insisting he can only come and collect some of his things during the week when no one's home as opposed to picking up a few pieces when he collects the dc as that's "cutting into his time with them". It's just everything, it's just constant. I just want to move forward and work to make the best of it for our dc but he's just putting in hurdle after hurdle to make it mentally hard. And I just don't know why, or what the purpose of this it. No one wins when you act like this, no one.

Hello everyone- too many recent posts to @ everyone, but solidarity to everyone, at all the different stages we are at. @Shewhobecamethesun that sounds really exhausting and difficult. Good luck keeping your patience.

I'm now six months in from the decision to separate, and four months since starting this thread. I think the emotional rollercoaster is levelling out a bit now. I know the marriage is over, it is very obvious that my ex has no continuing feelings for me and there is absolutely no prospect of ever being together again.

There are still days where it feels raw and new and terrifying, but for the most part I am trying to focus on a new life, to think about who I am and what I want my life to be like. Which is surprisingly difficult! I've lost so much of myself in recent years, at times I feel like I'm waking up after years of sleepwalking through my life. I can't believe I'm in my mid-40s. I met my ex-h when I was 25 and at the moment those years feel like such a terrible waste. Maybe I'll see it differently again in time and be able to salvage something from them but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to see or feel that the relationship was "worth" the years and loss of self I gave it.

But it is what it is - and while this marriage has turned out to be a terrible disappointment, there's no guarantee that whatever alternative life I might have been living during those years would have been better. Maybe I would have found someone even worse!

Anyway, thoughts with everyone who is still struggling and those coming to terms with the initial shock of separation. Although I'm just a few months down the line, I already feel so much better than in those first stages - and with much more certainty that separation was the right choice (and really the only choice for my own happiness).

Update: have met a lovely guy of OLD site, extremely flirty. A lot of sexting. I put in my ground rules early on though Met him last night at a pub and he kissed me after. It was fire. We went our seperate ways but intend to meet again. Can I just say, it has completely lifted me from my misery and don't feel sad about the past or future now!! Worth trying!!

@Dollymixtureharibo your situation sounds very difficult. Would your husband go to couples counselling with you? Maybe not if he has made up his mind that it’s over.

being a single parent is terrifying at first but mine were very young when I got divorced. You get used to it quite quickly and find new routines etc. I find holidays hard still but day to day it’s fine. Finances can be tricky so make sure you get whatever you are entitled to. A great bonus is not having to interact much with in-laws you don’t like! Good luck with it all.

@harlemriver I totally get what you mean about it being hard to know what you want your new life to look like. I don’t really have any hobbies or serious interests which seems quite sad. I have been trying to think of things I want to try as my therapist and friends are encouraging me to but nothing seems appealing. Good to hear that things are calmer emotionally for you, hopefully it continues to improve. I am still struggling so much with the sadness of missing my ex dp.

@CookieDoughKid Great update! I hope you have lots of fun!

well done you @CookieDoughKid ! I'm glad you found someone fun. I find the idea of a fling quite appealing but my self-esteem and sexual identity is so far in the toilet after my marriage that there is as much chance of me joining the circus as there is an OLD site. I have no desire at all to get into another relationship, but I would very much like the universe to deliver me a sexy, fun, undemanding, intelligent, honest FWB. For my post-divorce life I'd like to channel Carol Vorderman and her collection of 'special friends'!!

Hello everyone. I have been following this thread for a few weeks now, but not felt I should post. You are all so brave and my heart resonates with all of your pain. I started my own thread a while ago so I'm going to be lazy and copy and paste parts of my OP. I hope this is okay and not against thread etiquette.

I have been living apart from H for 7 years. I could not continue to live with him as he is chaotic, messy, irresponsible and we clash like wolves. Lots of issues. However, for the past 7 years I have maintained some sort of relationship with him for the sake of our DS (13). H lives in his brother's house in a town that is one hour away from me. He has never been able to provide a home/room for DS.

For the last 7 years, he has visited DS here at my home. On weekends, sometimes during the week - he has stayed on our sofa, eaten family dinners with us, walked out shared dogs. My home is close to his work.

I have never wanted to be back in a 'proper' marriage with him but we have muddled along as a family unit. Neither of us filed for divorce because we still felt we were a family.

At the start of the summer he suddenly went weird on me - not answering his phone, ignoring messages. He then cut all contact with me and didn't see DS for 11 weeks. He just kept saying - oh he's a teenager now, he wants to be with his friends at the weekends. The only way I can contact him now is via his brother. I have to text every week to ask for my maintenance money.

I have subsequently found out last week that he has got a new girlfriend from round about the point he went funny on us. I don't care about the girlfriend. Or maybe I do? But I'm fuming that he has ditched DS. I feel like he used us for 7 years until he managed to find someone else.

My feelings are wild. I don't know if it's anger, jealousy, grief, or everything mixed together. Why couldn't he be decent? Why didn't he divorce me if he wanted to start a new relationship? How can he just not bother with his son? It doesn't help that since he's not been around DS has had some quite serious behavioural issues. I asked him last week to take him for a few days as I needed a break. He has now dumped him at his brother, who is caring for him. DS is now refusing to come home. He says he prefers his dad and his uncle to me.

It's all such a mess and my head is spiralling and I don't know how to deal with it all.

I didn't want him so why do I feel like this? To add another load of shit into the mix I've been finding spite hookups online. That a whole other level of fucked up which isn't important at the moment.

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm ballsing up at work. Every day I check this thread as you are all so inspiring but I feel like I'm drowning. I'm scare I've fucked it with my son forever.

I'm sorry that was such a massive merail and so much love to you all.

I don't know. You know that they are bad for you but how do you stop that pain in your gut?

@strangenewworlds my heart goes out to you. I understand your embarrassment as I felt it too but that passed when people came out to support me and everyone thought, rightly, that he was a twat.
You may not think so now but you will get through this. I didn't believe the women on here but it is true.
It is one day at a time, even an hour at a time. Accept help, prioritise yourself and your children. Ring finance providers and explain the situation, they all have departments for "vulnerable" customers to help you through.
The loss of the relationship and him being there is tough, but you do get past it.
Thinking of you xx

@lurker1000 and all you lovely people. Came to see how you are and update you since you were so kind to me.
@lurker1000 I have stopped wanting my ex back. Its been 8 weeks and 1 day, but he treated me so horrendously despite him being the one to end it I knew I couldn't yearn for or waste my time on someone with so much disrespect for me.
I reached my lowest ebb 3 weeks ago. I felt like I wanted to die.
But I faced the future and put him in my past. I've blocked him on all channels. No contact is the best.
Other women on here said that but I wanted to be able to contact him. I wouldn't advise that, they don't care what you say and then use it against you.
Divorce has started, by 19 April I will be free of him and I can't wait.
People have said how much better I look, happier, full of life. I am. I'm enjoying not being tied to the cooker, to routine. To be able to listen to The Archers without him mocking me, I put it on in bed now!
For the first time in my life I have no-one to please but myself. Been to stay with a friend in France and one in the North. Been sewing. Started back doing stand up. Going on a burlesque course.
I know who is the loser and I don't care!!

I really hope you can move forward and see that these men have disrespected us and abused our trust and they don't deserve us.

For the women who told me I'd stop crying, that I'd feel better, to block him, thank you xxx

Hi.

Have been following this thread as going through a similar experience with my husband. Married for 20years with 2 children. Told me last week he wants to separate and hasn’t been happy for a while.

Ive spent the last week giving him space and on the times we have been around each other it has been amicable. We are still sharing the same bed as he is refusing to move out. Last night I made the mistake of reaching out to him and he instantly rejected me and confirmed he loves me as the mum to his kids but he still wants out.

This roller coaster of emotions is awful. Throughout our relationship he has been the one who has been emotionally abusive but I still love him. I want him to go for counselling and it would make him a better person but he won’t.

I need to start to grieve and detach myself from him but it hurts so much. Should I ask him to move out even though he is saying he can’t afford it and will stop the mortgage payments if he does? He also threatened getting the house valued this week but then changed his mind.

Any tips/advice welcome.

@hellylou83 I’m so sorry.

I only lived under the same roof as STBXH for 5 months after my bomb drop day but my healing did not start until I was in my own space.

Separate yourself from him as much as possible.

Don’t cook for him.

Sleep on the sofa or in a spare room if you have one.

Don’t continue to do all the things that make his life easy.

You are not his PA any longer, and he needs to do his share of house and kid admin.

Value your time, and don’t let him have it for free as he has done until now. You don’t wife for him any more, he just fired you from that role. So let him see what that feels like.

Have counselling for you, not joint counselling.

Get the ball rolling as soon as possible.

And don’t be surprised if there’s someone waiting in the wings.

Great update @Tinyminx , that sounds like amazing progress in a short time and fantastic to hear that you are feeling so much better (and that others can see it too!)

@catin8oots welcome to the thread, I hope you find support here. I can see how finding out that your ex is in a new relationship would trigger all sorts of difficult feelings, particularly with the way he is carrying it out and its effects on your son.

Things that worked for me: acknowledge your feelings, don't push them away, accept them for whatever they are (sorrow, grief, anger, shame, guilt, betrayal, all the lovely feelings that this situation generates) and recognise that however intense it feels in the moment, it will pass. Journal, write stuff out. Get a therapist if possible - it really helps.

And if your ex is like most of the men in this thread, don't expect him to behave with the emotional maturity and integrity that you want. As @Didsomeonesaydogs said a while ago, expect that whatever he does will be to make himself feel good. Keep the focus on yourself and your son, and I hope you can rebuild that relationship (I don't have kids so don't want to offer advice, but expect that he will soon realise that his dad is a disappointment and come back to you).

Keep going, one day at a time - it will get better.