A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@harlemriver I'm sorry you're feeling down - it's perfectly justified to feel that way, so be kind to yourself and take it easy. You will eventually look back on this time in your life and realise it was when everything changed for the better, but going through it is like walking through a deep, dark tunnel with no end in sight. Think of it like the escape scene in the Shawshank Redemption, where you have to crawl through the sewage pipe before reaching freedom. Remember, things will get better and brighter. Don't be afraid to ask for help or reach out. Sometimes, just talking about your feelings with someone else can alleviate some of the weight on your shoulders. We're all here with you.

@needtocomeoutofdenial , your "things you won't miss about him" list is a great idea. I have one on my phone, which has been steadily growing since bombdrop day, I find it really useful for overcoming nostalgia or when I feel like she's "won". It's currently at ((checks notes)) 155 items long. He's a real prize!

155 items long! @Didsomeonesaydogs well done on getting so much on the list! I definitely think it sounds like a useful and helpful thing to do. I’m going to start mine now…

thanks so much @Ginerous @needtocomeoutofdenial @Didsomeonesaydogs Your comments have all helped, truly. I'm so grateful for the empathy and generosity of people on this thread. Tonight I really needed it. Thank you ❤ (also, I really appreciated the Shawshank Redemption sewage pipe metaphor, yes I do feel like I'm wading through a pile of shit but it's good to know that daylight is coming!)

Blimey, my STBXH is now sharing posts on FB, about ‘Red Flags to look out for in relationships’!

Throwing stones on social media is never a good look.

It’s so hurtful.

I’ve just unfriended him, so I won’t see any more of the crap he’s spewing.

There's our son to consider in everything we do, that's caught in the middle of all this.
Why would he be doing this?

@Jixarixie go one further and block him.

It’s all optics. He’s obviously worried about what people are thinking. Everything they do is to make themselves feel better about themselves and their crappy life choices.

What a complete knob! On the plus side though, it makes it easier to stay resolved to divorce his pathetic ass!

Ugh!

@Didsomeonesaydogs - yes, I thought about doing that, but I didn't want it to come to that, as I have been trying to keep things amicable.

I've also been hearing through mutual friends that he has been saying some really awful (untrue) things about me, and it's so hard, as I'm trying to stay positive about him around my son etc

Hope you don't mind me popping by, I'm feeling fragile and frightened for some reason. October is my anniversary month, it's also half term and exH has just surprised me announcing he's planning to take the kids away on holiday that week 😩 I need to be strong and bury my head in work and the never ending diy projects I have at the new house.. but I feel sick inside. Just needed to offload all that.! It's kinda sent me over the edge and slapped me in the face.

He’s started a whole smear campaign against you. Who’s the one not being amicable?

By blocking him you won’t be tempted to look or go “pain shopping”. It’s for your own mental wellbeing, nothing to do with not being amicable.

There’s no need to stoop to his level or be rude. Just remain business-like. Communicate only about your child, financials or divorce. And aim to stick to written communication so that he can’t gaslight you.

But he’s made it clear what he’s up to. He’s shown you exactly who he really is.

Thanks @Didsomeonesaydogs I'm feeling so down about it all.
Going through a breakup is horrible enough as it is - but this is all just making it so much worse.

I get the occasional day where I feel slightly better, and then he does something else to cause me a load of stress.

I'm looking at the possibility of moving away few hours drive away, after the divorce is complete. At least that way I will feel able to go out without having to worry about bumping into people that we both know, that he's been saying awful things about me to.
Also, the house prices are cheaper!

But in all seriousness, I think I need a fresh start somewhere, after all this, so I've started having a look at what is out there, to give me some idea.

What a shit he is being @Jixarixie No wonder it is bringing you down. @Didsomeonesaydogs has good advice. Blocking his social media is not about him, it's about your wellbeing. His feelings shouldn't come above yours, particularly when he has shown that he is willing to throw you under the bus to make himself look good.

I can understand that you would feel self-conscious about people believing his version of events, but I genuinely believe that people often see and understand more than we give them credit for. And the truth will come out in time - but by that time it won't matter to you anyway as you will be well on the way in your own new life.

Sorry to hear you are struggling @harlemriver, breakups are an emotional rollercoaster and it's so hard to switch the brain off sometimes. I keep thinking about what STBXH is up to, where he's staying, whether is he with anyone else etc. It is so unhealthy and sets me spiralling but it is just so hard sometimes. I think the video that @CookieDoughKid linked is wonderful. I already had a "10 things I hate about you" (and will not miss when we break up) list but it is so great to read during those weaker moments. Especially when there is someone else involved, and you can read it as I hope she enjoys it when he... xyz (insert shit behaviour here). And by the end, I'm always like yeah, anyone who wants to go near that, you are welcome to them.
Oh, that is awful @Jixarixie, it's horrible when they get all petty like that. Honestly, social media is not the place you want to be airing your dirty laundry. Block and delete and hold your head high. I think composure and rising above it all is honestly, the best form of revenge.

STBXH picked up the dc this morning and is keeping them for the next 3 nights for the first time. On one hand, I am going to miss them dreadfully and feel completely lost come the evening. On the other, I am looking forward to having a break and not having to do all the school runs, all the bedtime routines, all the exhaustion. Ds(7) has been sleeping in my bed since the ex left so it will be weird to be all on my own tonight. I'm just so annoyed at myself, I feel strong, I feel calm, I feel happy, life is going good yet the minute he's on my doorstop the tears come. Why the fuck do I keep crying every time I see him? And then, although we are being amicable and I hope to stay friendly, he asks about mediation about money as he's noticed I'm still buying groceries using the joint account whereas he's using his own money and half of that is his technically. I mean ffs, is money all he really cares about? Me feeding the dc using 'his' money? I've not mentioned maintaince yet, I don't want to play dirty demanding half of all his savings, the value of his cars etc (which I am, perfectly entitled to). I cant believe he had the audacity to moan about that. Urgh, thats my mini rant over.

when I feel sad or start to think that this breakup is not what I want, I ask myself, what would I normally be doing at this point of time before he left?

100% of the time I would have been feeling/doing exactly the same or feeling/doing something worse.

there are no instances whatsoever where I think ‘oh if only STBX was here as the moment would be better/I would be happier right now’.

none

but it’s amazing how a little moment like putting the kettle on will suddenly kick off a wave of grief or anxiety.

It’s the mind playing tricks.

its then I think, ‘ok so if he was still here right now, how would that make me feel?’

and I think back to what it was REALLY like being with him and all of a sudden I feel glad that it’s over.

@Optomystic that sounds like a good mental trick to help you stay positive. It’s the opposite for me though, I was very happy in my relationship and now I feel very lonely for him and fed up of just working/ looking after house and kids with no company in the evening or weekends. I had to travel for work recently and in the past he would have come with me on a trip like that. Doing it on my own felt like such a slog instead of a fun little adventure. I cried for almost the whole 4 hour drive back. My world feels very grey.

@Optomystic I think back to what it was REALLY like being with him and all of a sudden I feel glad that it’s over.

Yes - this! Although my mind often plays tricks on me and I remember things as rosier than they were. Sometimes it’s not until I actually go through the motions of doing that activity again that I have the true feelings of what it was really like bubble up.

For instance, DS 21 is staying for a few days and yesterday I cooked a roast dinner for him, DD19 and her boyfriend.

There was always something wrong with my Sunday roast. I used to work so hard to make it perfect, I even used to cook him some separate potatoes because he complained mine were too crunchy and fluffy and he preferred them cooked with the meat which changed the texture of them (made them a bit soggy and rubbery if I’m honest but he would insist on them cooked that way) - or the gravy was always too thin because it moved around slightly on the plate. There were never enough peas and always too many carrots or some other quantity issue for him to get upset over.

I’d ask him to carve the meat and he would complain about doing it. Everything else would have to be out of the oven before the meat according to his rules. The meat wasn’t ever allowed to rest before carving because he thought that would mean it would get cold. He’d be “too tired” to carve the meat or he’d be late back from playing his sport with his affair partner. He used to get ratty with me for asking him what time he’d be back and couldn’t commit to a time or he’d say “just eat without me”. This was the one time during the week we’d eat together at the table. He was always “too tired” or “too stressed” to eat at the table any other time.

After we’d eaten he would order the kids to help tidy up and fuck off to the lounge with his wine. I used to drink a glass or two of wine while cooking the roast and it was always tempting to drink more. I think it was to subconsciously numb my feelings ready for his complaints. I’m completely teetotal now.

I’d honestly forgotten all of those shitty points until I went through the physical motions of making a roast and I was transported back to how it really felt.

At the time though, I gaslit myself into thinking we were happy.

To get over a man I may try getting under one. I'll post back on this...but thought it might be worth having some fun in the midst of the misery!!

I think that can sometimes be a great cure @CookieDoughKid. I’d do the same if there were any contenders.

@CookieDoughKid If you can separate sex and feelings enough to have a friend with benefits or situationship then more power to you. Unfortunately, I learnt from my 20s that’s not my jam - as much as I would have liked it to be!

Right now, I can't imagine anything worse than getting involved with anyone - at least until my divorce (which hasn’t even really started yet) is a long distant memory. Why would I drag anyone else into my mess and create more work for myself?

I really couldn't care less if anyone is interested in me or desires me or whatever. Now really isn't the time for that and any potential additional drama that it brings.

My priority during this break up and divorce time is me and the kids. Getting us through it as cleanly as possible, without involving anyone else.

I certainly don’t want to end up in a toxic rebound that breaks my self confidence even further.

@Ginerous - grey is a really good description, that's how I feel too. I know it's was the right thing to do. He is abusive and had a terrible impact on me. But... the future looks completely blank.

Hugs to all.

checking in with a new username (english). it's been a really really rough day. Just when I thought we were getting to a good place, able to communicate and be friendly he does a complete 180 and goes cold as fuck and empties our joint accounts and was just so cruel on the phone. I was sent home from work in tears. Just why? I just don't understand why you want to go from being friends to 24hrs later leaving me with no money to pay the rent or buy food. evil, evil manipulative piece of shit.
I just do not understand what there was to gain. Control I guess.

So I filed for divorce and reported him to the police for domestic abuse. No way back. And changed my facebook profile to single. I fed up of playing nice and considerate, I don't care who knows he's a fucking piece of shit.

Love that mental trick @Optomystic I am definitely going to try it. Also tempted to try @CookieDoughKid's suggestion. I have zero interest in a relationship EVER again. I shall grow old surrounded by my kids and some cats. However, I still love a flirt and wouldn't say no to a date every now and then. Have a bit of fun whilst I'm still young.

@Ginerous Why wouldn't there be contenders for you? You know never know unless you put yourself out there!

@Didsomeonesaydogs I see what you mean. I have always had a higher sex drive than my ex and when he started to suffer from erectile dysfunction our sex life took a nose dive. I was very patient. In the end, he took solace with a much younger woman but I find that also strange from his woman's point of view given that sex needed to be planned with his pills and he needed a few hours notice at that....anyhoo....she must have a lot of patience. At least I can say I had the best of him.

I no longer believe in ever lasting love or undying commitment so I don't think I will fall for anyone ever again or at least anytime soon.

@CookieDoughKid if I had the energy to go looking I’m sure I’d find someone but I couldn’t handle the apps at the moment. What I meant was there isn’t some attractive prospect hovering just off stage that I could call up for a quickie 🤣 after my marriage ended I did some online dating and hated it. I had a lot more luck in real life - bars etc.

I thought this would be helpful to you all. I play on repeat. https://www.instagram.com/reel/CxHLTk5uSik/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

I haven’t posted for a while & tbh I was pretty good at being strong. The last week or so I’ve been a bit up & down.

this morning STBXH text saying he would drop the dog off and could we have a chat. Started off about the divorce, how we will split the house - he acknowledged I paid more deposit so I get more the equity, one less fight to have.

ended with him telling me he’s dating someone! 4 months after ending a 10 year relationship and he’s dating! Obviously I didn’t mean that much to him. His excuse is that he can’t be alone. What a load of shit.
He’s talked about him dropping the dog off at night instead of me picking her up so I don’t run in to her. So bloody angry right now.

@MrsChicken89 - I hear you - my STBXH started joining dating sites within days of our breakup, which is odd, because he was simultaneously asking me if there was any chance of a reconciliation!

I'm no way near being ready for anything like that at all...

I'm currently going through a very hard time emotionally, with all this divorce etc, I had a terrible nights sleep last night and my stomach is in knots this morning.

@MrsChicken89 oh my goodness I am so sorry to hear this! I’d be furious and devastated too. What a kick in the teeth. It’s clearly a rebound thing, and if he’s said he can’t be alone it shows he’s clearly had to attach himself to someone else immediately so that he doesn’t have to sit and process the impact of the end of your relationship and his behaviour. I think maybe sometimes they hop from one relationship to another - trying to never look back - so that they don’t have to take accountability for their actions, or stop long enough to realise when they have behaved unacceptably. Still incredibly painful though.

Sending love to you this morning @Jixarixie, try and be kind to yourself today.