A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

Hi everyone I'm new here. Just looking at this thread and wondered if you'd heard of BH Support? They are a not-for-profit based in Southbourne who support anyone going through separation/divorce in the Bournemouth, Christchurch and Poole (BCP) areas. They are about 3rd cheaper than high street solicitors and have a wealth of knowledge. They offer a free initial consultation which can be booked online at www.bhsupport.co.uk or by phone on 01202 985111

Well done to everyone who is moving forward @Dottie4 and @Itisallgoingtobeok and @CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease Really sorry about your situation right now, @needtocomeoutofdenial It is very hard. Just take it one day at a time.

Thanks to @Didsomeonesaydogs for the positive posts and view from the future. I read another comment on MN that said that men who leave because they think the grass is greener find out that it is, until they are the ones tending it...I think lots of us here will find we flourish on our own, while the new relationships that our partners think they are heading towards will soon start to show the same problems that they have experienced with us - because their behaviour is the source of most of the problems!

I've been doing lots of the things that @Didsomeonesaydogs recommends and definitely feel like I'm making progress -journalling, yoga, therapy, self-care, gratitude and meditation, books and podcasts. Divorce recovery has basically become my full-time job! It's certainly getting more of my attention than my actual job.

As others have said, I'm finding surprising amounts of happiness in my new daily routine and a peaceful and calm house. I'm also realising that my husband had checked out so completely that there actually isn't much to miss on a daily basis. Which is very strange and sad to come to terms with as I didn't realise I'd been settling for quite so little for so long. But it does mean that I don't have any desire to go back into the relationship, and that massively simplifies the process of separation - I'm not looking back any more, only forwards.

One big thing that I still need to deal with is the financial side. Our divorce application is well underway so we need to finalise this but I've been avoiding raising it. In the past few months I've had so many illusions shattered about who my ex-h is and how much he cares about me. I am dreading finding out that he follows the same pattern as others here, in wanting me to have as little as possible. But one way or the other it needs to be resolved so that I know where I stand for the next phase of my life.

But I have definitely moved on a long way from when this thread started, and I am feeling a lot more hopeful for the future, whatever happens. Hoping for good days ahead for everyone else.

Also, dogs are high on my recovery list too @Didsomeonesaydogs (great username by the way) I have two dogs - it used to be that "we" have two dogs but I have kept them both. Ex-h hasn't seemed to care about that. He has occasionally asked about them but certainly hasn't asked for custody. They're high-energy breeds so it's a lot of work but it means I have all the fun and affection and health benefits of walking 2 hours a day, and we are forming a very happy pack of 3. I would be feeling a lot more lost and alone without them and they are high on my daily gratitude list.

Good to hear from you @harlemriver and I am so pleased to hear of the steps forward you have taken, however painful this all is. Some of what you said rang true with me too, about looking back and realising that actually they had checked out a while ago and so life isn’t so different day to day without them. If I force myself to really examine the relationship recently, I can see that I was living with little physical affection, often my other half would sleep on the sofa, we barely had a conversation, often watching tv in separate rooms in the evening as we wanted to watch different things. It was a functional room mate situation I guess at best. We both kept on top of the house, bins out, food shop in, but there’s got to be more to a relationship than that hasn’t there?

Even though logically I know that to be true, my emotions immediately start screaming internally “but I love him! I miss him! We were happy at times! He was kind!” It will take me some time to work through all of this I guess. (Not helped by the fact that even though he told me he didn’t love me anymore, we were def over and no chance of reconciliation - then hung up, I have had to see him this morning as he came to collect my daughter to take her to nursery. What a head f**k)

Like you, I don’t think I’d realised how much I had been settling. I think I was just grateful for anything at all.

I’m sorry you have the next hurdle of the divorce and financial split/discussions to face. Deep breaths. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst I guess. Sometimes having something on your mind or to-do list that you are worried or fretting over is worse than taking the plunge and just doing it. So maybe it is time for you to start these discussions so that you can continue to plan and move forwards.

Thank you for starting this thread. And for all the support from everyone on it. ❤️

@needtocomeoutofdenial I completely understand that dissonance between the rational recognition that the relationship was not good and the inner voice that keeps trying to say that it wasn't that bad and he was a good man and he loved me. That's been the part I've struggled with most. My therapist said that it was about reconciling a belief that I was holding on very tightly to (my husband is a lovely person and I have a decent marriage) with the new information and understanding that I was gaining (my husband is extremely selfish and my needs were being entirely neglected). And that it would take time for those two parts to come into alignment. It has taken time but it is definitely getting better for me. I struggle with it more when I am in contact with my ex-h - he has basically ghosted me since this started so our contact is rare, but it will be much harder for you with daily contact.

I took the approach to trying not to dwell on that question too much (who is he? how good/bad was our marriage really? could it have been saved?) and to focus on accepting that 'it is what it is'. I would say I've now basically integrated the understanding that the marriage is definitely over, but it's taken several months to get here. And it's only now that I've really accepted it, that I can start to recognise maybe I had been deluding myself about the nature of the relationship, and I don't feel that internal voice trying to argue back that he was nice and kind and loved me. I think I'm starting to recognise that maybe he wasn't and didn't - at least, not in recent years.😔

That's a very useful way to put it @harlemriver, your brain struggling to reconcile a strongly held belief that your ex-husband was "a good man who loved you" and the recent reality that showed something different. I think I am at the start of that reconciliation journey. My deeply held core belief is that my ex is a nice kind person. But I have to rationalise that with the behaviours he has shown to me recently - which are not kind. In fact, I don't think you would treat a friend like that, or even a work colleague, or a stranger. So I obviously came very far down the list.

I think I have also been very forgiving of his behaviour due to past (and current) issues. His previous marriage fell apart due to her cheating, so he became very closed off and found it difficult to open up. And more recently I have felt he has been down and possibly suffering with depression (for up to last 5 years). But I have to accept that even if that was the case, he had the opportunity to change and grow and develop for us and the relationship - seek help, therapy, couples counselling etc. And he didn't choose to.

I am in the process of sourcing a therapist so I can start to have some input into how I am feeling and someone to help me work through all of this. Your point is a good one re my frequent sightings, I think I need to start being much stronger at remembering what was not good in the relationship and have that at the forefront of my mind. Otherwise when I see him my internal voice and emotions say "oh good, he's back, he's here, there is a chance for us to get back together".

The acceptance piece you have highlighted above sounds very tough. I guess that's why our brains cling/clung on to the belief that "they are good and love(d) me" as it is less painful than lifting the rose tinted glasses and seeing the reality.

I still find it incredibly upsetting that I think he has gone through the detaching process under my nose, without me realising (just carrying on thinking things were ok, just hard with a young child), and therefore he is much further forward in his recovery journey than me, who is sat crying writing this. The whole thing is so desperately sad.

I really do understand exactly those feelings @needtocomeoutofdenial I also find it incredibly upsetting to think that my ex-h had gone so far along the road from detaching from me and I didn't realise it. I read something that said in these situations it seems so obvious to the man that it is over (in their head) that they basically forget that they need to communicate it to their wife. One quote that stuck in my head was "He left me six months ago, he just forgot to tell me!". That's what my situation has felt like (though also in my case, he was also leading me to think that I was the one to end things and that he still wanted to stay married, which feels particularly cruel and manipulative now that I know how much he actually wanted out).

Accepting it really is difficult but I think it's essential in order to move on. I found a lot of useful information by searching for "radical acceptance". A lot of Buddhist philosophy is helpful for this time too - all things are impermanent, are thoughts are not reality and do not need to control us. That kind of thing.

But all of this takes time. It's not an instant thing to turn off these feelings and work through the complexity. I cried all the way through a conversation with a friend the other night, even though I thought I was past the worst of the crying stage. It's painful and difficult, so be kind to yourself.

Also - sorry for posting so much this morning - but does your partner/ex care very much about other people's opinions of him? I am curious as this is something that is very important for my ex-h - he really cares about being liked and being seen as a good person. And I think that's part of what kept me so deeply hooked on that idea myself. It was something like, if everyone else thinks he is this lovely person, then he must be. And if I'm unhappy, then it must be my fault, because I have a lovely husband. Something like that. Which is all very weird as I feel like I have been very deeply in denial and had no idea. Your username definitely strikes a chord with me!

Oh it's not your fault! It is ALL on him! Don't take the blame for his decisions. It is awful when we imagine reconciliation. We know they've been cruel and cowardly, but it's our normal, our present and future they take too.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I've been signed off for another 4 weeks to deal with my distress. It just takes time. There are no words. Fuck him, he doesn't deserve you xx

@needtocomeoutofdenial my therapist said it takes a while for your heart to catch up with your head. Rationally you know they have treated you badly but emotionally you can’t stand to accept that and still want everything to be ok. That is certainly how I felt, and still do.

Hi,

I'm new here and just been sent into tears again reading the thread. I'm totally new to this situation so have nothing to offer to all you folks yet apart from solidarity!

I'm 48 hours into my best friend and DH of 20 years telling me that he has fallen in love with someone else. He's known her for a year. I don't know what's been happening between them, and I don't really need to know. All I know is that he wants to be with her over me.

I am still panicky and can't eat anything without throwing it up again. I can't see how to protect my 15 and 11 year despite knowing in my heart that kids are better off with two happy parents. Except I'm not happy.

I am terrified of the future. I am terrified of not having my best friend around to be my companion and bat ideas around with. I am terrified of having to manage financially. I am terrified of how much hard work it is to be solely responsible for 2 kids.

And I'm embarrassed. I feel like a failure.

I'm really hoping that just writing this will help me come to terms with everything.

I'm so sorry to hear what's happened @strangenewworlds but welcome to our little corner. You are not a failure though, don't ever think that. You have done nothing wrong and his actions are not a reflection on you. I cannot see how anyone could ever walk out on their children just for a shag. Men really do think with their dicks don't they? No matter who gets hurt along the way. So selfish.

I'm feeling confused and sad. I realised I don't love stbxh anymore, I haven't missed him at all since he left last Tuesday. However I have struggled the last two days, like so many of us it's the whole what have I done, is this really happening, is this my life now, mourning the plans we had for the future. I really wanted a big bear hug but then it hit me that there's no one to hug me anymore, and I don't know if I'm ever going to be hugged again and that has hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried all the way to work this morning, held it altogether then cried all the way home. Just feeling suddenly very overwhelmed with it all. I need a holiday to just give myself a breather. Might try and book a last minute weekend away over half term

Sending you a hug @CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease! That's the bit that I'm also struggling with even now. I never thought of myself who needed lots of physical contact, but now I realise that I've always had a lot of it. It's not the same, but if you have children, can one of them give you a big hug?

It sounds like things are moving on now that you've realised that you don't love him anymore, but that doesn't take away the grief of the future. Well done for allowing yourself to realise that. I hope that the distraction of a half-term break will help.

Thank you @harlemriver @Tinyminx @Ginerous for understanding where I am and helping to explain the split between the understanding of my head and heart. Let’s hope the emotions catch up soon so I can at least see things for what they are (and have been)

@harlemriver no, my ex doesn’t focus on what people think of him. In fact he has a very low opinion of himself, thinks he is awful terrible etc. so I think I have spent so long trying to convince him he is good and loveable I have drummed it into myself too, so stopped seeing when it wasn’t so.

@Tinyminx im sorry you’ve been signed off for longer. I fear I am also near that. I’m on antidepressants anyway. But broke down in my 1-2-1 at work today sobbing so not sure how I am coping. My manager said I was going through “a major life event”. I hadn’t thought of it like that but it made me feel even worse in a way.

@strangenewworlds welcome and I am so sorry that you are here. You are in the eye of the storm right now, your mind must be a jumble of thoughts and it sounds as if you are feeling all emotions at once. So overwhelming and heart breaking and shocking. I wish I had the answers but I am afraid I don’t. I am two months in and my emotions have settled slightly but the beginning when my partner left is all a blur. I too have been most upset about the impact on my daughter, who is 2. I never wanted this for her. My parents divorced and I wanted her to have two parents together. I am trying (but my god it is hard) to be friendly and civil to my ex when we do handovers and I tell my daughter that mummy and daddy love her each night at bedtime. I am trying to shield her from my tears and distress, as much as I can. You are not a failure. This is not your fault.

@CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease I’m so sorry things have hit you this week. I think this process is like a bereavement, feelings come in waves, sometimes when we least expect it. It sounds like you needed a release. Mourning the future is a big big thing. It’s what upsets me the most I think. And yes, I am also very tactile and I feel very alone with no hugs. I hold my little one tight at night but it would be nice to have a bear hug from an adult who loved me. A break definitely sounds like a good idea. I have a long weekend with a friend coming up and I can’t wait to be away.

Tomorrow is a new day ✨

Hello again. I have read all your posts and following. I’m sorry I haven’t had the time to reply to you all but I’m sending you all my best wishes on a peaceful resolution and good vibes to a better life! I’m 4 weeks in since my partner decided to leave and told me on same day he’s buying a house with another woman. Last night I relapsed and begged him to reconsider and cried in his arms. 17 years gone in a flash without a fight. I guess I needed to hear it from him it really his over and that he’s starting afresh with his much younger woman. I told him when she’s 50 and he’s nearly 70 would she stick around. His response was 50% of marriages fail anyway and so what. My solicitor’s appointment went well, we are drafting a financial arrangement for a clean cut break and I’ve given him a move out date by 31st December. It’s my house, in my name I can do that. It’s fair. More than fair. Hopefully he gets his keys then and I will have a fresh start. Our last Christmas together. Dreading it but it’s what the children want. One last time. It’s a process and I’m hopeful things will get better. Much that I flip flop between hatred and sadness, you do have to have hope and you do need to be kind to yourself. Book something to look forward to. That’s what I’m going to do. A few days away end of the year to commiserate and celebrate.

Hello everyone, just checking in to see how everyone is.

I am still putting one foot in front of another. I had a period where I felt more settled, but that seems to have disappeared again and my emotions are all over the place. I go from heartbreaking sadness to fury. I know that in the long term I am better off out of the relationship, but even after many months it hurts so much.

Hugs to all.

This talk on YouTube is definitely worth a watch. it has helped me understand heartbreak loads.

This might be useful to some posters here

https://open.substack.com/pub/zawn/p/what-is-your-advice-for-surviving?r=of6sj&utm_medium=ios&utm_campaign=post

I had been holding onto a thin thread of hope that my ex would come back looking for forgiveness, but I spoke to him and know that won’t happen. It actually helps a bit as at least I am not in limbo and can try to move forward. That part is not easy though. I miss him so much and life feels very dull and flat without him, there’s nothing to look forward to. I also miss sex and snuggles and all the other physical stuff. sometimes it all feels like a bad dream to be honest. I really feel like the rug was pulled out from under me, one day I thought everything was fine and the next the relationship was over.

My friendships have suffered since Covid and I dread the time that my kids aren’t here as I hate being alone. I am trying to reconnect with friends and have told a few what has happened, but I know I need to get better at being satisfied in my own company.

How's everyone doing today?

@Ginerous , I'm so sorry. It's perfectly valid to hope they will see what they've lost and want to fight for you. And it's normal to miss your old life together. You've just had your future as you imagined it stolen away from you, and you are likely to be mourning that. I know I did. I miss believing I was the most important person to someone I didn't give birth to - although looking back, he was always the most important person in his world, and we were all just not much more than "extras" in the movie of his life.

You mention friendships changing since covid, but splitting from your partner makes you examine all of your relationships. In the past year, I lost my 3 besties.

One was saying hurtful things, trying to get me to make an enemy of STBXH over petty things when I just want to see the bigger picture and get through this as amicably and fuss-free as possible - we have still got children together (albeit they're both technically adults) and need to think of how this affects them.

Another friend had STBXH in her house and didn't tell me. He was going for coffee with her partner, which is obviously perfectly valid, but she didn't tell me about their interaction and was all the while making out to me that she was very uncomfortable around him when that clearly wasn't the case as she was chatting to him about her new furniture and showing him her new decor. When I said I wanted to take a step back from our friendship for a while, she started contacting STBXH, causing drama, so I cut her out of my life. She had previously neglected to mention a pertinent conversation she'd had with STBXH around 8 months before bomb drop day, which, had I known about it, might have saved me wasting more of my time or given me some insight.

And my third bestie died unexpectedly.

Added to losing friends, I moved 100 miles away (closer to the kids' uni's) to somewhere I didn't know a soul, and so I had to start over. My life is completely unrecognisable from how it was a year ago. I have a different job, a different house in a completely different area, and new friends. I'm still in touch with a few people from my old life, but not many. You might find yourself surprised by how your friendships change through this. Sometimes, the people you expected would be there for you really let you down badly, and others step up in ways you couldn't have anticipated. It all contributes to the opportunity for growth, healing, and change, though.

@Itisallgoingtobeok , it's a right roller coaster, isn't it? I used to cycle between feeling so angry I could unalive him with my bare hands to incredibly sad and despondent to feeling really kickass. And this wasn't even day by day - it used to change minute by minute. Giving up alcohol, going to the gym, eating healthy food, and getting on HRT really helped me manage my moods better, although I did sometimes find myself sobbing on the treadmill (wearing a baseball cap helps hide it) or screaming in the car until I was hoarse.

Wishing everyone a good end to the week.

Thanks everyone for the tips and links - lots of useful insights. @Ginerous I mentioned this in an earlier post, but I found this book really helpful in understanding the rug-pulled-out situation https://www.runawayhusbands.com/

@Didsomeonesaydogs thanks for more great advice and wisdom. I'm sorry that you've lost close friends through this. I've also found that the split has given an unexpected perspective on various people in my life. Quite a few people have surprised me by saying that my ex-h has done me a favour, or that they didn't think he had been good for me - including people who I thought really liked him. Who said that they did, but they liked me more and felt I made myself small to be with him. And now I don't need to do that any more.

In a year's time I hope to be like you - with a totally different life (in a good way!) But that's creating its own stress. All the mental energy in processing the separation and the weirdness of the way that my ex-h has just dropped out of my life has meant my actual work has really suffered. I need to change that, as I am looking for a new job, but work in a sector where there's not a lot of mobility. I need to retrain my brain to focus on work again and stop looking at threads like this and divorce blogs! Small steps....

@Didsomeonesaydogs I completely agree on the friend front. I think some people really do end up showing their true colours during times like this;

Both my cousin, who I've always been really close with and my best friend did some really shitty things when I needed them the most.

My cousin watched me break my heart to her and then didn't check in for three weeks afterwards, but asked her husband to check in on my husband who was happily sending funny messages back and forth and talking about the furniture that he'd brought for his new home - I again found out about this 3 months later.

My friend who was close to us both, but known me longer decided to text me that he'd heard about the news he was sorry and that was it. Turns out he'd been going to the pub regularly with my husband and visiting his new home etc.

Months later they've both realised that they were horrid, that I was left holding forte for my two young boys and hate to say it at times witness me broken.

None of his family who I was close to even asked how I was! I lost everything.

Both my cousin and friend tried to get back into my life and I shut it down - let's just say I wish nobody any bad luck, but if the universe thinks you deserve it then it will throw it at you and they've all had there fair share since of bad luck.

It's hard to lose people out your life, I think sometimes though maybe it's for the better and we just don't know it yet? But I know no one ever deserves to be treated badly by another human whether that's friend or family and I'll never be able to understand why people think these things are acceptable.

Hi folks, back again... I could do with a bit of a pep talk if anyone is around... I think posting here again has triggered me a bit as I have spent today festering in a toxic mix of resentment and sadness and fear. Generally I try to avoid thinking about what my exh is doing or thinking but today it's really got its claws in. He finally admitted a couple of weeks ago that his feelings for the woman he'd been messaging were the reason for our separation. He admitted that he'd had feelings for her from the outset (they started working together in November last year), that they had an instant spark and flirtation, that he wanted a relationship with her, and because of that he couldn't stay married to me. Ridiculously, he even made it sound as though he thought he was being noble and principled about that last bit!! So, on the one hand, at least I finally have the clarity and validation I'd been looking for from the beginning. On the other, he is obviously only coming 'clean' (several months late) because this relationship is going somewhere and he wants to bring it into the open.

And today for some reason that's making me furious. Usually I'm pretty good at talking myself round. I tell myself that I will be better on my own, that I was unhappy with him and that would never have changed, and that whatever happens in his new relationship doesn't alter those facts.

But tonight I'm just feeling angry and resentful. I'm on my own, stuck in a city that I moved to to accommodate his job choices, having left a job that I loved for one that I definitely don't, without friends or family, and now without the marriage that was supposed to justify that sacrifice. And all my months of positive thinking- I can build a new life that I love! I can get a job somewhere else! I can do this! Of course I can start again! - are dissolving in a big vat of self-pity.

I know this will pass, and I do believe my life will be better eventually, but right now I am just really fucking angry that he has skipped off out of my life without a backward glance and left me holding the pieces.

@harlemriver i think the way you are feeling is totally normal and justified, in your shoes, having made so many changes for your marriage anyone would feel the same. You probably need more space to process it all and then gradually decide what you want your next few years to look like in terms of your job, where you live etc - but you don’t have to do it all now.

grieving the end of a relationship is definitely not linear, sometimes I don’t think about my expartner’s affair at all, I just feel sad and miss him, but at other times I can’t stop wondering about the details which is a highway to nowhere so I have to force myself to think about something else. I totally understand what you mean about feeling resentment and anger at how you made choices to support him while he has merrily trashed the relationship for the next shiny new thing.

we just have to believe everything will be ok in the end and we will emerge stronger and better able to build a new life with ourselves at the centre of it.

@harlemriver I am so sorry. I can only imagine that this additional revelation was a stab in the heart. Hearing that he had an instant spark with another woman: and now may want to start progressing things is so hurtful and just such an unimaginable betrayal. I would feel just like you. Bloody livid that he’s seemingly skipped off into pastures new and left you to pick up the pieces of your broken heart and heal and start again.

I’m afraid there isn’t anything I can say to help ease the pain. Other than (I know it’s much harder to do than say) I think we all need to focus on ourselves and not drive ourselves crazy on what our exs are, or might, be doing. If they are happy, sad, angry etc it really has no bearing on how we feel anymore.

As hard as it is (and I am really really struggling with it) we have to accept we are single now and put ourselves first.

I found the TED talk on heartbreak @CookieDoughKid posted recently really insightful. A key take away was to write a list on your phone of things that were not great/negative about your partner. Then when your brain takes you down a rabbit hole of the lost future, happy memories from the late etc you can try and counter act it with your reality, the things that weren’t so good. I haven’t done this yet, but I feel like it might be useful. As hard as I find the concept (very strong belief still “he is good” and therefore feel mean bashing him in a list, even though he’s the one who has fucked off!)

I also hope that getting the emotion out and experiencing the low lows are useful in progressing our journey to heal. I bloody hope so anyway. If you’re in anger still maybe write down your list of negatives about him, get it all out.

sending you so much love x