A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

Yes, I need to read these positive messages, at the moment I feel like I’ll never stop thinking about him.

@CherryPieface and @Ginerous
At a few weeks/months out you’re really going through the worst of it, with the ground shifting from under you constantly. So be kind to yourself and give yourself whatever you need. And betrayal hurts like hell, making you question everything you’ve ever believed and doubting your own value. It’s not easy to get through it, there were days where I felt it would have been quite convenient to just not wake up - but I promise it gets much, much better.
I woke up this morning thinking I really love my life.

It might be a bit selfish, but I can do what I want when I want - I don’t have to consider anyone else. I can shop for and cook food that’s entirely to my taste without having to worry about whether anyone else is getting bored of what I want to eat for dinner. I can batch cook without someone else messing up the portions by picking all the meat out of what’s left in the pan before I portion it up.

I don’t have to consider anyone else when deciding what I watch on tv, I can even watch interesting YouTube videos in the evening on the big telly if I want to.

I can go to the gym as often as I like, when I want, for as long as I fancy, AND if I change my mind about the time I’m going, nobody is going to lose their sh!t at me for slightly changing my plans.

If I want to have my coffee before I take the dog out rather than after, I can do it without anyone hassling me! Amazingly, the dog doesn’t spontaneously combust if he has to wait 30mins (once he’s he’s had access to the garden, of course).

After nearly 10 months of living alone, it has started to feel very liberating. I had 22 years where my first thought was always centred around what he wanted and doing whatever I could to make his world perfect (although obviously he’d say otherwise 🙄), and it has been quite disorienting to not have to consider that. I initially felt very lost not having someone to look after (our kids are uni age) - but today it just feels like relief. It’s taken me a while to appreciate it, probably because my family of origin was always very drama-fuelled, but my life is so peaceful, relaxed, and easy now.

Also, this probably sounds really shallow, but STBXH is not looking his best these days. Idk if it’s because I now know he’s not the man I used to think he was and his views on lots of issues have become very ugly but he just doesn’t look good to me anymore. He didn’t recognise or appreciate just how much I did to make his life run smoothly so maybe the stress of adulting without a live-in housekeeper/cook/PA/nanny/dogwalker is taking its toll.

The grass IS greener - for us, not them!

@Didsomeonesaydogs - Thank you for your uplifting post. I know exactly how many days it is since I left (I had to leave for my own safety). Knowing that it will get better helps immensely. I am getting through the days without crying now. I only really cry at night as I go to sleep, so that is progress. It is only now that I am out of the situation that I realise how bad things were, but I don't seem to feel that lightness or freedom that I read so many people who leave horrible situations say they feel.

I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I somehow still feel trapped. I am having counselling so I hope it will work out in the end. Can you pinpoint how you got to that liberated feeling, or was it just time?

@Didsomeonesaydogs - thank you for the excellent post, that's so much appreciated.

I've been really up and down lately, regarding my break-up, however, I'm doing a bit better today, and I have been getting the odd glimpse of the clouds parting a bit, here and there!

I hope everyone else on this thread is doing ok at the moment.

@Itisallgoingtobeok I’m so sorry you’re going through it, I don’t think many people understand unless they’ve lived it. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Lundy Bancroft’s books are super useful for understanding the dynamics of abusive relationships and his daily wisdom book is very good indeed.

After bottling up my emotions for the past few years I suddenly found I had no choice but to experience all the feelings. It was more than inconvenient at times, I’d get tearful at random times and places (crying on the treadmill at the gym anyone?) and I even had to switch careers because I couldn’t face people without falling apart into ugly crying. I still have my moments but they are less regular and I can recover quicker lately, rather than ruminating for days.

Some things I found helped me:

• Journaling and meditation - working through your feelings is important,

• A monthly reiki massage - I only have my hair cut twice a year and don’t do nails or other beauty treatments so I feel I can justify this little luxury, it sounds a bit sad but having physical touch from another human is important, and the reiki has been really instrumental in my healing. I was sceptical to start with but one of my promises to myself once we separated was to explore spirituality and be open minded to new experiences.

• Quitting alcohol - drinking really started playing havoc with my mental health, I didn’t realise quite what a downer it was causing me to feel until I stopped,

• Walking in nature - woodland and beaches are amazing if you can access these,

• My dog, he’s been my reason for getting up in the morning and gives me no choice about going out for a walk daily, he’s my world right now,

• Listening to empowering podcasts and audio books, and reading self improvement books, reading up on concepts such as trauma bonds, the dynamic of toxic relationships and suchlike. Rangan Chattergee’s podcast is one of my favourites.

• Taking the time to find something to feel gratitude about each day, even if it’s just a decent cup of coffee,

• Feeding the birds in my garden - watching nature while I eat my breakfast is so uplifting,

• Good nutritious food - I batch cook high protein, high fibre meals twice a week so that I always have healthy dinners ready to sling in the microwave,

• Having a flexible job or side gig that I can work on whenever I like so that weekends/evenings/downtime doesn’t feel lonely,

• Chucking dumbbells around at the gym like a man!

• Focusing on getting decent sleep.

• Being very protective of my time - it’s the one resource we can’t replace, and I wasted too much of it with STBXH. Now, I’m way more comfortable turning down things I don’t want to do, I guess this would also come under getting better at setting boundaries and reducing my tendency towards people pleasing,

• I’ve also just started internal family systems therapy.

Sorry that’s a long shopping list, but basically, I found the best medicine is to take all the effort I used to put into my marriage and put it into myself instead.

Wishing you healing, growth and clarity as you move forward.

@Jixarixie it really is a rollercoaster ride. But those periods of calm and peace gradually get longer and more often until it starts to become your life.

Ask anyone who has been through it and is out the other side what their biggest regret is and they’ll all say something along the lines of “giving him more chances” or “staying as long as I did.”

Separating is hell when you’re going through it - humans are naturally averse to change and we’re evolutionarily programmed to seek the safety of a tribe - but staying would be infinitely harder in so many ways.

It really is a second chance at life. I’m nearly 50 so I reckon I might have 30-40 more good years if I look after myself. Living on my own terms is starting to feel wonderful and not everyone gets that opportunity.

@Didsomeonesaydogs - that's such a wonderful post, thank you!

I can absolutely identify with the biggest regrets part - I have given H way too many chances, and yet, now that we have split, he is playing the victim to anyone who will listen!

I'm on the brink of losing pretty much everything, and he is trying to take me for a ride financially, in the divorce, but I know deep down, that all of this is still better than having to put up with his BS for another second!

@Didsomeonesaydogs it's lovely (in a strange way for all of us, including you) that we have you some steps ahead of us, telling us it gets easier, and to employ strategies with which to cope.
Thank you.

Only last night my DD finally opened up to how it has affected her and she has asked for therapy. She has not foul mouthed him in any of this, but she realises she is collateral damage and is angry with him for what he has done.
She is doubting all relationships now, even friendships as she has abandonment issues. She's deleted dating apps as she won't trust anyone. I fucking hate him for this.

I've also realised it is much easier talking on person to him as his emails come across as pious and they stress me out. Mu usually low BP is through the roof and I'm not having my heart health compromised by him.

I'm going to search out some of the resources you've used @Didsomeonesaydogs xxx

Today I put on my big girl pants and faced stbxh (I started writing dh then realised my mistake, how long does that take to get used to?) for the first time since he left on Tuesday and it was really hard. I've been feeling very strong and positive the last 2 days, but seeing him there, looking completely broken was so tough it was horrible. He didn't even try and apologise though, not a hint of a "I'm sorry", so although I'm crying again, I'm still being strong and have no intention of going back.

I'm glad the good days are starting the appear @Jixarixie and thank you to @Didsomeonesaydogs for such positive and uplifting posts that give us all hope that sunny days are coming, just gotta make it through this storm first

@Didsomeonesaydogs - I started reading the Lundy Bancroft daily wisdoms, that you mentioned - it is very much speaking to me already, and I am only on the 2nd day of the book!
Thank you for the suggestion.

Well done @CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease ! Don't be fooled by his crocodile tears. It's all a manipulative performance.

He's just feeling the uncomfortable consequences of his actions, which is very different from genuine remorse.

STBXH has uttered some vague "sorry" nonsense a few times. Like "I'm sorry for what I did" (while continuing to do it) and "I'm sorry for how things turned out." Ah, yes, those nebulous, non-specific, passive things that were completely unconnected to his choices. Zero accountability for his actions (4-year affair - and I suspect there were others previous to this one).

They all use the same playbook, so remember that an apology without changed behaviour is simply manipulation. Promises to change are not enough, their promises mean nothing now; they already broke them. If they wanted to treat us better, they would have done. They've had their chance, and it suited them to mistreat us. That was when they showed us who they really are.

You've got this.

@Jixarixie Lundy Bancroft's books gave me so much clarity; I'm glad you're finding Daily Wisdom helpful.

Another brilliant post, thank you!
@Didsomeonesaydogs - I think you should write a book - you are helping to get my head straight!

Your situation sounds very similar to mine too, from what you have said here. Sorry that you're going through it too.
You sound very strong and level headed about the situation. Which is great.
I've been quite emotional about the split - but since I have seen his divorce paperwork, and how he is trying to take me for a ride - I now feel less upset about the loss of the relationship itself.
He clearly never cared about me or valued me whatsoever, and I think he expects me to survive on fresh air!

He also wasted no time, setting up dating profiles (I'm nowhere near ready for anything like that!) he did it within days of the breakup! So it's clear he is not remotely bothered about it (despite all of his crocodile tears!).

@Jixarixie thanks for the compliment, I write for a living, so… ((shrugs)). I had a LOT of support from the FB Chump Nation group to help me see things for what they really are. Sometimes, it’s felt like that meme from Birdbox (with the guy holding the woman’s eyes open), but it’s actually what we need most of all. We project our own feelings and thoughts onto our partner; we presume they feel about us the same as we do about them, but it’s really not like that when you take their actions into account. Assume that everything they do is to make themselves feel better. Because THAT’s the truth.

I’ve certainly had my weak moments but I have regretted every time that I have reacted to him with any emotion - positive or negative, so now I aim to “respond” rather than “react”. It’s all just fuel for them when they’re given centrality. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference - and that’s where I’m aiming to get to. Getting on with my life and being stronger, more capable and happier on my own is the best revenge, because they hate feeling so inconsequential to our lives.

Wishing everyone strength, healing, growth and clarity this week.

@Jixarixie also, regarding the dating profiles…

They can’t be alone. They are looking for someone new and shiny to validate them, stroke their ego, make them happy and “meet their needs”. We knew too much about them, saw their flaws over the years, they couldn’t pretend to be perfect with us. Far easier to start over with someone who hasn’t seen all those pesky imperfections they want to pretend don’t exist. How can they have power over anyone who has seen their soft, white underbelly?

They don’t understand the reason they are unfulfilled is because of themselves. Because they haven’t done the work. Unless they get to the root cause of this they will always have that feeling of emptiness. But they won’t do the work; as far as they’re concerned it’s everyone else who is at fault. They’re shallow takers and interested only in what others can do for them.

Whoever they end up with will never be enough. If any woman is mug enough to get involved with a man who has barely started with his divorce, then she’s probably not going to have much in the way of self worth. When her shiny newness wears off, she’ll compromise her own needs for the sake of their supposed “love”. She’ll try her best to please him as his approval becomes harder to win. She’ll never feel enough but she won’t understand why.

Sucks to be them.

Thank you for your strong words @Didsomeonesaydogs
He just looked broken and was saying he was having a hard time finding someone to live as he doesn't earn enough to rent privately, but the council won't give him a 2 bed without a court order or child benefit letter and his parents aren't happy with him staying there, I did feel really bad for him because I never ever wanted it to end like this, but at the same time, he brought this on himself. These are 100%, the consequences of his own actions. He's not used to having to fix his problems on his own, this is something I would always end up sorting out but no more, he's a grown man, time to act like it.
He also did the whole I still love you, I will always love you nonsense. Well sorry but you don't lie to people you love, you don't gas light people you love, and you certainly do not make secret recordings of people you love. Actions speak way louder than words.

Hope everyone has a good week getting stronger every day

For anyone that is going through divorce or has knowledge about the process - are the assets belonging to the children ever taken into account?

I've had a very impatient H, repeatedly texting, asking for my DS's savings account info, and his CTF - I'm quite suspicious, as my H has been very sneaky and underhand so far, in this process.

He even got DS himself, to come and ask me, to get them out for him!

I asked him why the sudden interest in DS's accounts - he did not give an answer.

I have asked my sol, for advice, but have not had a reply yet, but I don't trust his motives...

How’s everyone doing today?

@Jixarixie I wouldn’t trust him either.

Check out this group - it’s run by a family law solicitor from Milton Keynes. Just be aware if you post anonymously it will take days to get approved, so start a new Fb profile to join the group if you’re worried about anyone seeing it (obviously, it’s a private group but you never know)

https://facebook.com/groups/divorceandseparationsupportgroup/

I Second it that you are very insightful @Didsomeonesaydogs . You are so much so that it’s like you have met my STBX in person! Thank you.

Hi All - I have posted a few times on this thread previously under a different username. My partner left me two months' ago. I am 42 and we have a 2.5 year old. I have been "coping" remarkably well I had thought, still working, juggling childcare and him seeing our daughter. But I have realised that I have been deep in denial: deep down I thought he still loved me, would see sense, would come back. That there was a chance of reconciliation. That it wasn't over. It couldn't be over. We would reunite, he would apologise. I played this all out in my head like a film - him coming through the door at home, saying sorry, hugging me. It was, I have realised, my way of coping.

But that isn't going to happen.

I have to start to realise that. And start to process it.

I rang him today to ask if there was a chance we would work through things and get back together. He said no. He didn't love me anymore, there was no chance of reconciliation. That there was no way back from this. That it was over.

I feel like I have been cut in two. I am meant to be working from home but I can't stop crying. I never wanted this, for me or my daughter. All the usual things I would do at the end of a relationship (minimise/cut contact, not see them, go out with friends to distract myself) I can't do. As I have to see him almost daily and each night I am at home with my daughter. He works shifts so we can't agree a fixed time he will have her e.g. every other weekend. And we juggle nursery runs etc.

I am so sorry for this long post, but it helps to get it out in some ways. I know I have to be strong for my little one, but it is so hard. And everyone around me is so busy with their life and family stuff that I feel like I have to process this all alone. I feel like I wasn't enough. That I didn't try hard enough. That I let this happen. That it is my fault. That I am awful. Dark thoughts flicker - but I have to be here for my daughter.

This is hideous.

Thanks @Didsomeonesaydogs

Has anyone else listened to the chumplady podcast?
It's called 'Tell me how you're mighty' - I am listening and nodding along, as it's all so familiar!

Chumplady has been my sanity-saver over the past year. The podcast is excellent and a welcome addition. I'm looking forward to her Omar Minwalla interview.

My H has now decided to start emptying out our joint account (which is used for paying household bills)
Just wanted to vent!

I haven't posted in a while but hope everyone is doing okay.

@needtocomeoutofdenial it's just so hard. I had days like you when I just couldn't believe this was happening. I also thought he would come back, we would work it out. I have, however, worked out for myself that this is no longer what I want. The man is a cheater why would I want this for myself?

The one thing I would say is that this 100% does get better. I honestly didn't think it would. Don't get me wrong there are days where I just sit and think what the hell is happening. Those days have got less though and I no longer cry.

Hang in there you will come out the other side and hopefully a stronger, happier and healthier person.

@Jixarixie it is just rubbish. I have no idea what goes through their heads.

My husband has decided to stop paying any sort of maintenance money. Currently waiting for CSA to sort it out.

@Dottie4 thank you so much ❤️

Logically I know that things will (or have to) improve and whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Or you have no choice but to keep going. Today it’s just hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s all the same stuff everyone else has been through - the future you thought you had, missing the companionship, the love, tag teaming help with our toddler. I’m just exhausted from faking being ok at work and with my daughter.

Thank you for giving me hope it will get better.

Sorry to hear about the lack of maintenance payments and having to get CSA involved. I honestly don’t know what goes through some of their minds not to want to provide for their own children. And the additional stress and admin to get it sorted is another thing on your plate.

@Jixarixie that is awful! I hope you’ve been able to move what funds are left into a different account he can’t get his hands on.