A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@Tinyminx sorry you’ve had a bad episode. It is agonising with all the ups and downs. I had a few days about 2 weeks ago where I couldn’t cope and took a couple of days off, and I’ve been separated for over 6 months now. The trouble is we’re still having to live together for now and that’s brought such a mix of emotions. You can definitely have moments or even a day or two feeling marginally better, but then the pain comes back as strong as before, sometimes triggered by something in particular, but sometimes just for no reason.

For me personally, as and when I do get to move out, I really think I’m going to have a clean break and have no contact. It’s a horrible, very final thing, but I feel it’s absolutely necessary. He is seeing someone else, and yes there was a crossover, so I can’t stay in any kind of contact knowing this, it’s too hurtful.

Is it possible for you to have no contact at all with your ex and his family? If there are no children you really should think about it, I think it would be much healthier for you. I do believe exes can remain friends, but only when you’re both on the same page, ie if the feelings of BOTH of you have changed or gone. Most break ups or divorces happen with one party wanting it more than the other, and I think it’s very tricky to stay in touch without it being painful for one of you.

And finally, yes, men are wankers! Sadly I don’t feel that I would want to go there again, my trust and faith have been completely destroyed by this marriage and divorce. And that does make me sad 😔

Hugs to you @Tinyminx

@AloneAgain2023 I can relate to that. My partner admitted he was having an affair a few weeks ago. My initial reaction was to ask him to try and make things right with me with counselling etc. I couldn’t stand the idea that the relationship was over. I had always thought in a situation like that I’d be so angry that I’d never even consider forgiving a cheat, but it’s different when it actually happens.
He said he didn’t know what he wanted other than to be on his own and sort his head out. He said the ow was just a fling and he didn’t love her, he loved me but he needed to be single and work out why he had cheated. So we are not together anymore and I really hoped I could get angry rather than sad, but it hasn’t happened yet. The rejection is very hard to take, especially as I thought everything was going well in our relationship.

@Ginerous I’m sorry for your hurt. Infidelity is brutal and incredibly hard to process. I’ve found it doesn’t get easier with age either, I’m in my mid fifties now and this feels as hard as it did in my twenties and thirties. Add in to the mix a long length of time (together 18 years & married for 12) and it’s utterly painful.

It’s always very easy for other people to say ‘oh you’re better off without someone like that’ or ‘good riddance, he’ll do it to someone else too’. They may well be right, but it isn’t necessarily how you feel in the moment.

Unfortunately the old cliche is right - time is the only healer. I hope that in 3 months, then 6 months, then a year, I will feel happier and more stable. But for as long as I’m in the same house living alongside him, it will continue to be very up and down. In those 6 months quite a few things have come to light, he was I think unfortunately a serial cheater and lied very easily.

It’s funny actually, only last night I read an article online about serial cheaters which was SO interesting. It talked about how it’s rarely about the cheated, always about the cheater. In other words, it’s on them, not you. I could tick many of the bullet points given as signs to watch out for. For several hours I felt slightly better somehow. But tonight, I just feel sad again thinking about the person that was my husband, being happy with someone else.

I hope you are able to find peace with it eventually 💐

@AloneAgain2023 This whole business is so full of complex emotions. I don't think moving on is a straight line. It's full of twists, turns and dips. In short, it's a full-on rollercoaster. Just when you think you're on the path to feeling better about it all, something crops up to knock you back down again.

I do think you've had a particularly tough journey though, having to stay living with your ex for so long, and knowing he's seeing someone else. There's no way you can really begin to move on until you're in your own place and can go no contact. I think you'll be surprised at what a difference that makes. I'm still in the marital home, but H has more or less moved out, though most of his stuff is still here, which I'm finding difficult enough. But not seeing or hearing from him for days or even weeks at time, though brutally hard at the start, is beginning to make things easier. He's becoming my past, rather than my present, and that feels both liberating and intensely sad. It's all just so complex and confusing.

Just keep your eyes fixed on the goal of getting into your own place and take it from there. You know your ex is a liar and a cheat, and you don't need that in your life. You'll be stronger and happier without him in the long run, as will we all. Hugs x

Thank you @cakeoverexercise I know you’re right. I tend to be one of those people who think others have had it worse than I do, but even I can see that things have been brutal these last few months!

The stress of the delays with the conveyancing and all the time I’ve been forced to stay here, has become almost literally unbearable. I think if I had been able to move about 2 months ago some of this agony might have been avoided, because my mental & emotional state has very definitely deteriorated in that time.

I look back over these 6+ months and the rollercoaster has been extreme. I’ve had such conflicting and contrary emotions, flipping back and forth. I’m sure you’re right that after a period of time without contact things will begin to settle, even though the bitter taste of everything that has happened will hang around for a bit longer.

Despite everything that has happened and how badly he’s behaved, it’s really annoying how I still feel this connection from all the years we spent together, things we’ve done, places we’ve been. And knowing he’s now with someone else is (frustratingly) still painful. Hopefully, as you say, these feelings will begin to fade when he’s no longer in front of me every day & night. 🤞🤞

I’m glad that you’re on the upward curve, we all generally come out the other side at some point! Thank you for your words and hugs back at you!! xx

So update. Spoiler alert: there is another woman.
Everyone suspected. He waited 4 weeks to go in public with her without telling me, but I found out.

I feel worse now than when he first left. I've analysed every single message he sent me in the last 18 months. He didn't change towards me til start of August. Up to 23 still telling me he loved me. 24 - gone.

He created a narrative that it was about low self esteem and never feeling good enough, but everyone sees through it.

He told me he wanted to do his future alone. When I asked him about this yesterday he said no, he wants to make his own decisions. Backtracking.

This woman he has known before i think. If it wasn't going on when he left i think it started soon after. I mean, what woman takes up a relationship with a guy who has just left his wife? I'd be worried about baggage and him changing his mind.

I am beyond gutted. Yesterday, when I found out, I felt like I just wanted to die. The pain is worse than ever.

The disrespect he has shown me, and anger (he's blocked me every way possible because he doesn't like me asking questions) but I still can't believe he's no longer mine. I'm broken.

I've told him I'm a long way behind him and trying to process it all. But he just wants it all his way or no way.

I don't know if I grieve him or my home life. I look at photos and he's not all that. Plus he was lazy, didn't do much round the house...I did the lot.

I think once the excitement of this other person fades he'll realise what he's given up.

I want to have moved on by then but at the moment I am back to square one and I can't face this agony. The only thing stopping me from ending it all is my wonderful children. I could not do that to them. But truly if I didn't have them I would finish my life.

I am feeling so overwhelmed, so unable to cope. I'm back to not eating.

I wish him dead. In some moments I hate him. Then I cry for my loss.

I don't know what to do.

@Tinyminx I can really hear your pain in your post, and I am so sorry that you have had this new discovery. It's really hard, but it truly will get better with time. Right now, the turmoil and chaos and pain feels like it will never pass, but it will. As others have said on this thread, gradually bit by bit you will find more light coming in and you will find that you can build your own life, the way that you want it. There's a lot for you to process and a lot of feelings to feel before you get to that point. It will take as long as it takes, but it will happen. For now, hold onto the thought that 'this too shall pass'. I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you've got people around to support you in these first stages.

@Tinyminx I am so so sorry he's done this to you. I too can really hear the pain in your writing. At the moment you feel broken, but just let those feelings sit with you until they pass. My therapist tells me if you don't let yourself truly feel the depth of your emotions, it will only come back to bite you later on. So even if it doesn't seem like it now, this is the beginning of your healing journey. You have your wonderful children. Focus on them for now and try to not give your ex any more attention than he deserves. He's given you a bitter bitter pill to swallow, but remember all the reasons why you don't want to be with him. And for now, just breathe, survive, and give your kids a big hug. You will get through this. Sending you a big virtual hug. X

@Tinyminx I’m so sorry about your situation and your pain. Like so many others on here, I can relate to that feeling of going backwards emotionally. It really is brutal thinking of the person you loved and who once loved you, now being happy with someone else. I have felt exactly like you in thinking I can’t and don’t want to cope with all the emotions and hurt, and like you have had those darkest of thoughts.

I’m still finding it difficult several months on, although probably not helped by the fact that we’re still living together. He had been consistently lying about everything throughout all these months, but has recently admitted he IS still seeing the other woman. He went on holiday with her (after telling me he was going with a work colleague), and he’s going to see her this coming weekend.

Although we may be past the lying now (?), the honesty is not much better! At least when he was lying I could feel validated in telling myself that he was simply a lying cheating shit. Even though he is obviously not going into any detail, he informed me he would be away at the weekend, leaving me in no doubt where he will be. I’m trying to be dignified about it so I didn’t react, but it still hurts like hell.

I still feel incredibly conflicted, there have been many problems over the years and he really hasn’t behaved well towards me, so why the hell does the thought of him being happy with someone else hurt so much? The trouble is, I suppose we can all remember good times, and remember when they really DID love us and want to be with us. And that’s what’s so difficult and painful to process and come to terms with. I feel like it’s going to be a long, long time before I can come to terms with it, even after I move out 😔

I really do wish you lots of luck and strength for the coming months. Hopefully we can all continue to support each other on here 💐

My eyes are sore from crying. I cried throughout a whole dog walk. Didn't care who saw. Hugs xxx

@harlemriver @AloneAgain2023 thank you. I know I will get through it, but I wish I didn't have to wake every day and feel the agony.

The one thing that gives me perverted joy is that I ruined his first outing with her by finding out and messaging him about it. He'll have gone home all happy and giddy and I spoiled that for him and I'm so glad.

@Tinyminx I'm so sorry youre going through that, I think it's usually the genuine people that would never think about doing anything like that hurt the most.

Rest assured whilst it's all great that things will smell of roses, but regret will hit him at some point. It hasn't really been thought about at all and he is diving in based on the butterfly effect, leaving an established relationship for that!

I would actually kill him with kindness, so by the time he does regret it really really cuts deep and you'll be in such a different place.

I've heard it's good to feel all the emotions, really being able to unpack them and muster through and that helps the process of moving on - your body needs as much time as it needs, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I wouldn't wish the feeling on anyone! However there is light, because when you do rebuild and move on eventually it's based on a solid foundation; not one that is already discoloured and slightly uneven because as a women she will always have in the back of her head 'he could do that to me' .... so god help when he starts going out with the boys etc.

He left tonight.
I'm a mess, just crying so much.
It is over, after months of trying to make it work, it's over and there is no going back. Turns out he is been secretly recording our conversations including all our counselling sessions. I feel that has completely crossed a line.

Fuck.

Sorry to hear about your situation @Tinyminx men are utter pricks sometimes. (((Hugs))))

He's done what???? The twat. Wtf is wrong with them???? Big hugs ((()))

Hello. Thanks to you all for your kindness and words.
What I'm struggling with today is that he's just a fat, bald, middle aged bloke, they're 10-a-penny. How has he got someone else? What is going on in her head? Why take my fat bald bloke??
He's got the gift of the gab, and judging by how many times he calls her a day and the length of the calls he's schmoozing her like that. A fucking story.
Well I'm not playing by his narrative and I am being nice (as much as it pains me) and I think he's a bit shocked.
I hate him. Karma will come. But in the meantime he is swanning round acting like a teenager.

Hi @Tinyminx I feel the same. I understand his motivation, but what the hell is the OW thinking?! Mine has more baggage than you can shake a stick at! And why would you go after a married, much older man? I know he’ll have spun her a line like you say, but why would she have such low standards. Blimey. Onwards and upwards, eh? xxx

Because older married men who have demonstrated long relationships and have fathered children is a powerful aphrodisiac. Coupled with seniority in the workplace and perceived wealth makes these old fat men irresistible. Take all this way, most women wouldn’t touch them with a barge pole.

Ladies I have news.
So he was coming round before for some stuff. I dressed up as if I was going out. I wasn't.
He's a broken man. He looks terrible. He said he's trying to keep his sanity.
Known this woman YEARS but not in that way. She must have leapt at the chance and ignores all the red flags. That won't last.
He looked me up and down. I was totally in control. I faked it and maked it.
When I told him I'm getting a lot of interest from younger men on dating apps he looked crestfallen.
I told him so many ppl are offering me support and telling me I'm wonderful and loved, and that they think he's a shit. He said he agreed with them. I said so do I.

I said he'd better prepare her for the fact he gets breathless during sex and has to stop to use his inhaler. I just accepted that as the norm. Will she?

I feel strong and powerful. I feel in control. What a change from the woman who wanted to take her life earlier this week.

Thank you all so much for being there. I know this is just one day but it's the best I've felt in over 5 weeks.

@Tinyminx leave them to it. They both deserve each other.

I’m getting this sort of treatment too. X has moved out today. There are gaps all over the house where he’s taken furniture. 24 years together 20 married. I turned to him on the doorstep as I went to work this morning and said, ‘well have a nice life’. Then we hugged each other and I left. When I got home from work he was gone.,

he tells me he wants to socialise and I’m not sociable enough for him. That we have nothing in common. However he went out and copped off with someone at a weekend away a few weeks ago and this is muddying the water somewhat.

Our marriage was not perfect and if he genuinely wanted to end it and ‘find himself’ then I’d have more sympathy with his decision. He’s not admitting it but I have a feeling he has this OW in his system and that’s is making it all very urgent and giving him a sense that the grass is greener and a lot more exciting.

it is influencing his thoughts and feelings. If I’m right and it is that then I think he’ll come down to earth with a huge bump. If OW was more symptomatic of a bad marriage and his lack of interest in me then I guess he’s gone for good. But he’s been telling me he has feelings for me and that he loves me right up to the last few days. I dont know what the truth is. Maybe he doesn’t either.

Well done @Tinyminx you sounds so powerful and in control. I always used to joke the worst my life was the better I looked as I always made more of an effort with my appearance when life was on a downward trajectory. I viewed it like putting on my war paint and battle dress.
So it's been 3 day since stbxh left, and the first 36hours were really fucking hard. Not only me being in so much pain and hurting but also seeing the dc hurting so much. Ds(7) was absolutely devastated on Wednesday. But the dust is slowly beginning to settle as we face our new normal, and find our new routines. And I can honestly say it feels like a weight has been lifted of my shoulders. I feel so much lighter and at peace since he left. The house also feels so much more relaxed and peaceful. I know going forward it won't be a smooth path and there are times where the pain and hurt will hit hard - when the dc stay overnight for the first time, Christmas, holidays etc. and yea, when he eventually finds someone else and tbh, I wouldn't be surprised if there is someone else by Christmas. Personally I couldn't imagine anything worse than dating right now.
The only thing I miss is having someone to send random small messages throughout the day to - you know those pictures of your lunch or funny little stories that happen in a day. But if that's all I have to give ip, well I can live.

Oh @Optomystic ! I've analysed every message he sent me for months and months. Right up to the day he left I was getting proactive messages of love. We had sex. We were laughing. They are a FUCKING MYSTERY.

Well done @Tinyminx , it's great to hear that you showed him your worth and he saw that in you (not like he shouldn't have known that years married to you) funny species'

I read an article one, infact I was so shocked I screen shot it; it was a company who helped for women to reconcile with their husbands and it said that 80% of people they work with their husband comes back to reconcile, but only 15% actually do.... I continued reading scratching my head.... it went on to say, women pay all this money to my company to realise by the time her husband realises his mistakes and U turns, the women has done the work, learnt to live life and is actually a happier, stronger person and doesn't want him back.

I think women naturally want a nest, a lot want children and a homely feeling (it's natural to us) but by the time they've caused all the trauma we grieve and heal...where men just think they can swing back in at a later date.

Mine said that we could get remarried in ten years, who knows?! What when you've had your cake and eaten it, our children will be 15 and 23 fully functioning and I've struggled with a full time job, having them most nights and then you'll want it back?! No thanks! He is now open to doing counselling (he wants to go first) and apologizing a lot and crying. I think it comes to a point for them that a glare comes over our face and they know we are done with their bullshit and they are corned to make a decision.... but what ever that is, they always come back even in years time!

Women however have a better chance of a happier life, happier future... because we think about those things, go through the pain and move on gracefully - it's known a lot of men only experience emotion in the moment.

@Tinyminx I love this for you!

I’ve been living alone for nearly 10 months and I can tell you all it gets so much better.

Therapy and journaling help. Making a list on my phone of all the ways he mistreated me over the years has really helped me when I have the odd wobble - it’s currently ((checks notes))… 147 items long. The “Chumplady - leave a cheater, gain a life” book, website and Facebook group have kept me sane this last year.

My only regret at this point is that I put up with his nonsense for as long as I did. Honestly, his affair partner is welcome to him. I should send her a thank you card because I might never have got my freedom otherwise.

Keep going everyone, you’ve got this!

What an uplifting post @Didsomeonesaydogs thank you showing us that there is light at the end of the tunnel.