A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

Ah that’s so sad @Mama2910. sounds like you’re being properly messed about. Although it’s the kids rather than you STBX that you are struggling with mainly by the sounds of it.

no advice on that but hopefully someone can come along with reassurance soon.

it sounds as if your professional lives have really interfered with your family life. Is there any way you might be able to change jobs and come off shift work for a few years? I am sure your employer by law needs to do everything they can to accommodate your situation. Then you could be with them every evening. Maybe you have to admit that as a single parent that wants to be the main career it’s just not conducive for family life.

I am one week into separation so I am keen to join group. I’m not too bad as am happy to split. I’d say it was a bad marriage but really it was a bad H. He is emotionally deficient and so it was doomed from the start. Amazed we lasted 20 years. We have two DCs 19 and 15.

I took action years ago and set things up with the belief that we would part ways when kids were old enough, by de-tangling our finances, getting organised and de-cluttering the house.

He has jumped the gun a bit and called time a couple of years earlier than I had hoped, having reignited his love life. However as the days go by I am getting more and more used to the idea. At first I was angry and then I thought, why am I angry? I think I was just feeling that way because I though I should. All women get angry when their Hs say they want to leave them, dont they? Now I know my anger - or lack of it - is a choice.

im still a bit in shock. But after 20 years of putting every bit of energy into home life and keeping busy so as to avoid the truth of our marriage, I’m happy to be done. There is a bit of relief. The good news is that thanks to all the hard work and over compensating in order to block out my situation for so long. all the hard work means at 50 I’m fit as a fiddle having done loads of exercise over the last 3 years, got a great job after self training for ten years and a lovely house, which I should be able to stay in for a while.

I call this ‘doing a Sarah Connor’: making good use of your time whilst incarcerated so you are equipped to take on the outside world again if things change. Aka, ‘The Count of Monte Christo’ effect. I’d recommend everyone do this to an extent as you don’t know what’s going to happen. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

I’m not in a bad situation although it’s tough on my teenage son and H is still in the house so I’d like to join this thread.

Gosh today is hard. I keep bursting into floods of tears, properly sobbing my heart out. I know it will pass, but still. I am also running out of tissues.

How is everyone else doing? Hugs to all.

Hi @Itisallgoingtobeok - sorry to hear you're having a tough day - I was exactly the same yesterday.
Hope you're feeling a bit better soon.

I think I was ruminating a lot yesterday about the whole situation, and it really got to me (I had a really bad night's sleep the night before which didn't help matters at all).

I decided to watch something funny on TV, and then get a early night (luckily I slept a lot better too), and I do feel a lot less awful today, as a result.

Also, I thought I'd list some of the positives of the situation:

1. The house stays a lot tidier now that H has gone (I always thought it was DS making all the mess, but I was very wrong!) even DS has noticed the difference!

1. I can live at my own pace (H always did everything at 100mph, and it was exhausting trying to keep up with him!)

1. I can get up when I like (H used to always want me to stay in bed with him, in the mornings, which is nice to a point, but sometimes I just want to get up and get moving).

1. I'm free to get on with my studying (before, weekends were family time, and during the week I was always knackered in the evenings, so I found it hard to fit it in), as I have more free time now.

1. I haven't really been able to relax around him for a long time, and it's nice not to have that feeling constantly.

1. I have realised that I was never really able to regain the trust after I discovered his affair 10 yrs ago, despite really wanting to be able to, and I always felt on edge when he went out, so it's nice to be able to let go of that now.

1. My relationship with DS is generally improving, as I have more time with him now, where it is just the two of us.

1. I'm starting to declutter the house a bit, in case we have to sell up.

1. I don't have to listen to his lies all the time - other people around him can put up with all that shit from now on!

Brilliant post @Jixarixie . that’s so uplifting and I can resonate will of them apart from the morning thing as me and my H have had separate rooms for years. Due to his insomnia, sciatica and snoring.

I agree that sleep is so important. I didn’t sleep well last night and feel low today.

But I booked myself in with a therapist. Also I booked into an evening club which should be really good fun. And I also have a solicitor lined up.

this has all given a bit of a structure to the chaos.

have a hair cut and dye already booked on Saturday.

am seeing my bestie in a couple of weeks too (she lives quite far away)

i am trying to get back into my daily exercise routine too. Slowly. as find my energy is depleted.

i did also look other woman up on Facebook. She seems nice. I dint think she us the reason. The reason why my marriage did not work over the 20 years is because my H has a seriously low level of emotional intelligence mixed in with a big ego. He just isn’t able to bond on a meaningful level and OW will find that out at some point too.

Hello I am new. My 48yo dh of 16 years left me last week for a much younger woman. We have two teens. We had issues but i would have never called it quits and i did love him. He announced he buying a house with OW just 3 days later after telling me he was leaving (house sale offer accepted!!).

I'm taking the great tip from my male friends. Which is to be much more aggressively positive. I can see the light and today is the first day I haven't cried.

I fucked my partner yesterday and bloody enjoyed it. It was my way of saying goodbye to him (internally) and a fuck you to his new missus. If I was really malicious I would have filmed it and sent it to her but we got kids so I would prefer to keep things cordial else I will come across deranged. It will be our little dirty secret and sick as it is - I am so OVER him.

Here's a message for the OW, you Dutch bitch (yes she's Dutch). You are welcome to take this erectile dysfunctional viagra pill taking, 40 wine bottles a month alcoholic, adhd, paracetamol addict, and gas lighting and narcissistic man with baggage- an ex wife and two teenage children. I bet you don't even know you are walking into FIRE. I hope you like hot coals because it burned me past 16 years and now I will be free. Why you want to settle with this prick at your age of 31 and buy a house together even though you havent even lived together...i dont give a fuck. You both selfish pricks enjoy each other. Cos i KNOW how much you mean to him as he fucked me behind your back. Just yesterday.

And to my ex - I I KNOW the goods I got at home, and they are GOOOD. I KNOW I will never be good enough for the wrong person (that's you, you wank badger). And I KNOW there is plenty of decent men out there. 7 million.

I'm really fucking happy to hand over this boy to her.....mwhilst I wait for a REAL MAN.

wow that is harsh. How did he manage to keep that from you? And what a complete tool to go behind your back and behind her back. He must be nuts.

give yourself time @CookieDoughKid. you
may be feeling a great sense of relief after the revenge shag but you will probably find that you are up and down like others in this thread. tmrw you may come down somewhat.

you must have got such a shock and be totally livid. With good reason. Can you book some counselling to come to terms with it all?

And 40 wine bottles! Jeez!

@MistyBay Well I HAD my suspicions for a year and I asked him about 5 times if he was having an affair. And he still denied he had an affair. So I sent him the Wikipedia definition of an affair and I am demanding a full apology before we begin talking about finances as I hold all the cards. We are not married and all assets in my name and my name only. He can get away with cheating on me but he's gonna have to face the Dock and when we have THE TALK with the children I am gonna make him apologise to them for having an affair too.

@MistyBay I've already booked professional counselling for myself. And I have a shit hot top 500 UK lawyer at my fingertips if he wants me to press the nuclear button. Its not even 10 days since he told me but I've already cancelled and removed all financial liabilities in our household. I removed him from my life insurance, critical illness, dental cover , private medical, moved the car lease into his name only, mobile phone bill, TV subscriptions, amazon , I'm having my will redrafted, removed him from my pension, every single financial benefit he is stripped.

He will get equity from one of my buy to lets and HE is moving out of the family home, not me. So yeah bye bye, good riddance and he will be someone else's problem.

40 bottles of vino?. That's nothing. I didn't even mention the beer, vodka, whisky be can snake down on a typical work night out. Yes he's hit the gym and supposedly gone dry last few days but you don't shake being an alcoholic overnight.

I was blindsided by the fair but actually I was blindsided by this relationship for a long time and this is the wakeup call we need people!!!

You are badass! Also sound quite loaded 😉. Makes my finances sound very tame. No insurance, no will, no car lease, no buy to let!

glad to hear you have counselling lined up. X

@Jixarixie - thank you for your post. I think I'm going to make a list like that. It is very empowering. Despite H being very abusive in the last few years, I still feel heartbroken and I can't come to terms with the fact that the man I love turned on me this way. I know I will never understand.

Sending hugs to all.

Thanks to all of you who've shared so openly, this has been incredibly useful to read and also so sad from so many of you sounding like amazing strong women (and a few men) who've been temporarily floored by what's happened. I really hope everyone is doing ok.

My story is more like some that have shared being the ones to call time, with complex relationships. I still don't feel comfortable saying abusive, but that's what our marriage counsellor said to me one to one, and strongly advised me to leave, apparently for the first time in her career. She said he's manipulating me, maybe sub consciously, with his mental health challenges and traumatic childhood.

Even though it was me, and I know deep down it will be better to not feel on eggshells constantly, with his mental health dominating everything, I still feel devastated and like a failure. I also feel really mean, as I "shouldn't" leave someone for their poor mental health? We have an 8 year old DS. Who I'm really worried about telling, but trying really hard to hold onto the idea that when I'm more relaxed and happy it will be good for him. Like others have said, I can't be living this same life in 10 years and constantly anxious about how close to anger he always is. It's awful though, and I'm scared about his suicidal talk. Sorry if this is a trigger for anyone else, and I've seen posts here of people really feeling that, I just don't know how to react and I can't keep being controlled by that fear? Im not at all interested in a new relationship but I do think I might be happy, so I have to keep reminding myself I'm doing the right thing!

Have any of you read Helen Thorn's book Get divorced, be happy? I listened to her read it on audiobook and its so brilliant. Honest and hilarious and give me hope.

Well I am 55 wife 52 been married 18 yrs have a 15 yr old son..would say last few yrs of marriage have been rocky.not much affection.jusy basically being roommates but we still di shopping travel together..I love my wife..wife would say marriage was over 10 yrs ago..so wife and son went to visit her mom in a different country in August where she saw her mom and dad argue alot and said they should of divorced 10 yrs ago..so this triggered something..as early August she wanted to seperate..I took it hard..but what caught me off guard is she is seeing a married man and they get together probably every 3 weeks as he is from another country who is a consultant for her work...I overheard her talking with him as my room is next to her home office and she did not know that I heard her talking..she mentioned she was not looking for love but love found her...again I love her and wish we can be back together as now I'm in counselling weekly..I eat healthier..joined the gym. Starting going to church..spending more time with my son..other day wife says I do see how you have changed recently.than she says that this will not last..that hurt....so right now we are working on a seperation agreement..so we plant live in the house a couple of years ad she wants our son in same school with same friendsin the area...another reason to stay in house is for financial..as in our housing markey..of sell house it will be hard to go to condo ...so in a couple of yrs sell house and go different ways...when first separated in early aug.was tough was staying in my room.reading self help books and come downstairs for food etc..we basically just say good morning and maybe talk about our son...but a month later now..we are talki g..dlso watching TV together..so its better...but what hurts is she is always texting with new guy I presume...again she dors not know i know about new person.....would you confront her....also in my situatipn..would you just say.forget sell house and move on..as I feel with nrw person in the picture i have no chance of getting het back...thoughts on my situation

@harlemriver it's the unanswered questions that are hard, right? Are they emotionally retarded and can't put it into words, or don't want us to know the truth, or can't face their truth.

When I ended a relationship many years ago, I was clear. I'd given him due warning, asked for him to work on it with me. He didn't. So when I instigated the split, I could refer to this whole process and the reasons.

But a regular theme here, other than another woman, is that they can't, or won't, say why. That is so frustrating. Surely there are examples they can give? Now past my sadness and into anger, how dare he just end it and not tell me why! I did everything, as well as loving him and looking after him, but that's still not enough!!

They are frustrating, weak, pathetic. Also for me how they are able to cut off all communication. They feel like strangers and I found that very hard to deal with.

Big hugs to everyone here.

@Jixarixie omg your reasons are MY reasons! These positives are really helping me. Go us!

Anybody think their husband might have left because they are conflicted and might be gay? I don't know if I am putting 2x2 and getting 10, but yesterday I was thinking back over the last 3 months and a penny just dropped.

I don't think it helps that my friend (male) has always said he thinks he is gay and just scared of trying it and what people would think. I found out my husband had been going there on dinner breaks when together (didn't know) and that he hasn't bothered with me at all since breaking but seeing him a lot, to the point they have a picture together on Social media.

More than meets the eye here like things he use to say and do when we were together and first split. He kept saying sorry this is my fault I'm selfish, thought of another women makes me feel sick etc.

It doesnt help it's been 3.5 months now and I'm keeping myself busy and not reaching out, but he has given no closure, brought me a fancy doughnut home the other day at contact (we live apart) , his mum sent my other child a card asking how I am, the gay friend asked my friends how I am (in space of week) and was considering popping around, tells the kids he still loves me when they ask (I don't ask them too), sister sent me a social media message with a guy singing take me home west virgin (she is older and never uses social media and in 9 years never sent me a thing on it, infact I've never spoke to her on it) crys and says he misses his child at hand over and then says I miss you all to me.

It's like bread crumbing, but last time I asked to talk about us he cuddled me said he loves me and said he couldn't he had taken on to many committments.

.... otherwise doesn't talk to me at all between none contact.

My son tells me he crys a lot?! And I know he has been drinking a lot. Feel completely responsible ATM even though I didn't end it.

I asked H last night for reasons and the ones he gave were rubbish. I don’t want to go out enough. The reason for that is circumstantial. I’m too tired taking care of house, kids and working FT. I work out in the mornings and don’t then particularly want to go to a party on Saturday night. So yes, pathetic. The other couple that we mix with all have high earning director level men do the women don’t need to work. Perhaps I’d go out more if I had all week to do washing ironing shopping and cleaning like they do.

Does he book a babysitter and make all the arrangements to go out?
my husband used to complain that I never made the effort to go out but the reason I stopped making an effort was because I had to arrange babysitters and book restaurants etc etc, all he did was get dressed and come out.
then when we used to get home from a night out our kids would wake up and I would have to deal with them whilst he sat on the sofa snoring.
it has been my decision to separate so not the same as your situation but his lack of effort to get us out, Whilst nagging about us not going out was definitely a contributing factor to our break up. I actually like going out but I don’t like going out with a selfish arse who doesn’t see that I am worn out and don’t want to make all the arrangements every time.

Hello all, I haven’t been on for a while, but something happened last night that has left me reeling - again!

So we are still living together over 6 months after agreeing to separate (mainly his instigating). I am purchasing a flat and have been waiting for the laboriously long legal process to end so I can get moving. It has understandably been difficult and stressful at times, I have had an unbearable amount of stress over the conveyancing (there have been 1 or 2 issues). The seller began hassling me on social media, and the husband was regularly asking basically, ‘how much longer’. So the longer it’s gone on the more pressure and stress I have felt. I think it’ll be another 2/3 weeks yet unfortunately, but it’s in the final stages.

In the main we have rubbed along okay, the odd row but generally not too bad, given that I’m trying to deal with the heartache of a broken marriage (to a serial liar & cheater as it turns out), as well as a property purchase, losing my home (which is now his house), and all those different aspects.

So to last night. I was saying to him that I was disappointed that he hadn’t given me the heads up that he had told all the neighbours about our separation. It obviously isn’t a secret but I would have appreciated knowing who had been told! He was his usual cold self, occasionally looking up from his iPad to answer. There was no shouting or screaming. All of a sudden he slammed it down on the sofa, and declared that it’s about time we had a deadline and suggested I and all my ‘stuff’ make other arrangements by the end of September. Now we have had this kind of conversation before and he knows full well that I don’t really have a viable option, so to throw this on me in the middle of already unbearable stress & upset is to me cold, cruel and unnecessary.

Why are these ‘men’ so capable of being so utterly cold, detached, downright hideous? I was needless to say in floods of tears racking my brain as to what on earth I was going to do. A few moments later I went to the kitchen where he already was and he looked at me with what can only be described as contempt and said coldly ‘and don’t start banging around in MY house’. Wow, just wow!! I actually think he has a few sociopathic tendencies - no conscience, no guilt, no empathy, no compassion.

So my misery continues 😔

Hugs to anyone still living, with difficulties, with their monsters 💐

@AloneAgain2023 I am so so sorry that your ex is being so unutterably cruel. His behaviour towards you is completely unforgivable. There's also something really devastating about the person that used to love you treating you with such disdain. I know how upsetting I found it when my H obviously couldn't even bear to be in the same space as me. I just hope your flat finalises soon so that you can move on from this nightmare. Much love and hugs. Hang on in there. X

@cakeoverexercise thank you for reading and replying. It is devastating isn’t it? I am seeing more and more that he has so many bad points, that I’ve been treated pretty badly on and off over the years, that I cannot process just how cold he is capable of being.

I’ve just remembered another detail - despite watching my severe stress, anxiety, hurt, and tears over the past few months, he said last night that the current situation was ‘damaging his mental health’ !!! HIS mental health! I’ve owned up to him recently that I’ve very nearly felt suicidal at times, but of course his mental health is the main issue here!🤔 This is the person who has had no upheaval in this scenario - he can afford to stay here easily. All the upheaval has been mine.

An hour or so later, after looking at the cost of a local hotel for a few nights ‘breathing space’ (which I resented feeling the need to do 😠) he clearly realised he might have gone too far, and apologised. But I told him it wasn’t good enough, that he was a vile, vile, nasty piece of work that I couldn’t for the life of me understand, and that he had now singlehandedly made an already difficult situation even worse.

So I’m still here this evening. The blunt truth is it’s logistically and geographically easier for me to be here for my work, and obviously I’d really rather not move lock, stock and barrel TWICE.

I just hope we can make it work for a few more weeks, and that he doesn’t have another little ‘tantrum’ in a few days time.

@cakeoverexercise oddly enough, we’ve just had a (calm) conversation about things, and he’s admitted that he IS still seeing this person that he claimed he wasn’t. He went on holiday recently saying he was going with a colleague (which I wasn’t convinced by). She apparently doesn’t know that I’m still living here! So his lies continue, from one relationship into another!

I asked what she must think about not yet being invited to HIS house, they so far have only stayed at HER house. He says that ‘so far I’ve been able to placate her’. Perhaps not an ideal beginning! Or am I just clutching at straws?!

I’m disappointed in myself that I feel hurt again. I know I shouldn’t but that sense of rejection has raised its head again and I feel utterly deflated. And that’s DESPITE acknowledging all his faults. Why is this all so complex and hurtful? I wish I could be more black and white in my view of it - ie he’s capable of lying, cheating, and cold behaviour therefore I’m glad we’re divorcing. If only it were that simple.

I hope things are calm and stable for you at the moment 🙏

@AloneAgain2023
I’m sorry you are going through this. I think it is very normal to have those complex feelings, you are going through a complex type of grief. It is not a Hollywood movie where you just get angry and storm off, real relationships are much more complicated. I have been angry with myself for wanting to forgive my cheating partner instead of being furious with him, but I’m starting to realise that I have to accept each feeling for what it is.
I hope things get better for you soon.

Hi all
I had been so much better in the last couple of weeks (he left suddenly 4 weeks ago today). The deep pain had gone, and I'd been doing well.
Then this morning he sent this sanctimonious message about something. I've seen him do this, when he falls out with someone he becomes the biggest arsehole with them.
So I called him to discuss. He was proper shouty with me, acting as if he is amazing and my emotions are unnecessary. Honestly he could have got an Oscar. But it really upset me and I ended up in tears. He told me I was making life awkward for his mum and sister (who had said they'd be there for me). So when I messaged them to ask what I'd done they both turned on me. True colours eh. They've just closed ranks.
I had to take the day off work. I feel as bad as I did the day he left. It's like he's now turning the knife he originally hurt me with.
I can't get past the speed at which he has turned from loving husband to this cold nobhead. I don't want him back, I just want him to stop hurting me.
Yet his intimation that it is the other way round is unbelievable. Proper gaslighting me.
I just needed to get this off my chest. Men are such wankers.

Thank you @Ginerous Are you still with your partner? I have often had trouble feeling angry with relationships, I just usually feel devastated and rejected, even when they really do deserve my anger. It’s not that I don’t have those angry feelings and I have certainly let them out plenty of times, it’s just that rejection and hurt seem to be stronger than my anger. I really wish it wasn’t the case.

I find that I’m acknowledging all his faults and bad behaviour, but then I’m taking it all personally and thinking - perhaps it’s just with me he’s been like that, perhaps with someone better / prettier/ someone he loves more etc, he won’t be like that? I’ve often thought I have an unhealthy relationship with rejection.