A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@Itisallgoingtobeok@AloneAgain2023

I couldn't have said that better myself.

Those ten minutes do keep racking up until you're not waking up with a pit in your stomach, or thinking about them and eventually you start seeing some light.... But at this time any light at all is thankful.

You will get there I promise you that, but keep pushing. I find pretending to write all my thoughts on a piece of paper in my head and aggressively scrunching it up and throwing it to the universe to deal with!! Strange I know, but found it better than Journalling as I couldn't look back and cry about it all (which I also tried) ... It also allowed me to feel like I was letting go internally (I really did Invision it! Every thought!)

You have every right to feel sad, like you wasted time and lost... I hear that, but what if this is actually the start of something really really special and you just don't know it yet?! Keep your mind strong.

CBT - cognitive Behaviour Therapy was so good for me, I don't believe that our brains can be rewired to deal with things differently, so obviously skeptical at first. I learnt I had OCD which made me obsessed over it, which didn't help the heart break.. I was able to manage that and change all my self worth around and function better.

I am in now way past it, but I see light. I see a future and I no longer cry.

Strange though because it appears that his family and friends have started dropping in now asking if I'm Okay and he sends me pointless messages (of course I read into them) but noway am I going back to that dark place, for anyone.

I am here at anytime. Sending love 😘

@Mirrorbright hi, I’m on and off here sporadically, sometimes I find it a help, other times I find it quite triggering. However what you’ve said about your experiences with OCD and CBT caught my attention - I’ve been involved with a lot of mental health support and they’re wondering whether I have OCD - I start CBT next week so this will hopefully help. I think about my situation constantly and even dream about it - does this sound familiar?

@PotsnPan - you're not alone in thinking about it constantly - I have been exactly the same, and it is mentally exhausting!

I have been trying to do things to distract myself (mainly to give my brain a rest from all the overthinking!)

I am studying in my spare time (which is difficult, as it's so hard to concentrate at the moment!), I am trying to put everything to one side, and just focus on that for an hour at a time. It's good, because I feel a sense of achievement when I have done my studying for the day.

Another thing I sometimes do, is mentally say to myself, that I will allocate a time, that I will allow myself to think about all this stuff, for example - I will think about this at 5pm this evening - and then just park it all until then.

I'm reading the Paul McKenna book about mending a broken heart, and I feel that it is helping me to look at things a bit differently.

Is there anything you could do that would help you to focus your attention on something external, ie practicalities of some sort? (Even if it's just for a little while, to begin with).

Take care

Thank you @Jixarixie - I try to distract myself with gardening, housework etc, but nothing works. Doesn’t help that I’m a divorce practitioner, I have no respite at all.

what’s the name of the Paul McKenna book please? I’ll try anything

my husband left me over 5 months ago and now acts like I don’t exist. He’s blocked me on all channels and if my daughter mentions me to him, he shuts her down to the extent that she told him he was being pathetic and he said I’d told her to tell him this and threatened me with an injunction.

everything seems so surreal - how can you share a lifetime with someone and then they act as if you’re dead?

@PotsnPan

Hi, lovely! I did read your posts when I first visited and could really feel the pain, I knew because I was riding those waves with you!

I didn't know I have OCD and when I started speaking to my CBT therapist we kept setting tasks and I couldn't stick to them. I would for a while and break it because my obsession to find a solution, result and answer over powered anything else.

We sat and we spoke about other daily things; do I like things a certain way, do I plan and if things don't go to order I stress, do I check locks etc and all of a sudden I was ticking boxes for most.... I use to have intrusive thoughts growing up, but I managed to crub them (somehow) and they've gone.

All the above seemed normal, I suppose because on top of it was heart ache hung over it. The lady said when you have OCD it's not as noticeable until you pin over the top an emotion.

She hit the nail on the head!! I stress over stuff, but I am use to that, I like a order but I'm use to that, I check doors and have a little routine but thats just me... Throw heart break in and I'm done.

You can get more Intense therapy for the OCD and it's linked to past behaviours (I believe) that they really dig into. I havent started yet, but the relief with hitting the nail on the head and being able to say 'this is just OCD kicking in, I'm going to be fine' has helped massively.

I've seemed to learn more about myself in the last three months then I ever have, that's got to be a positive I suppose.

I think when you know something about yourself it's easier to accept and deal with it.

I do think it's so much harder to get over a break up when you have OCD because it takes over your brain and shadows it with constant thoughts, when the best thing to do it put them to the back of your mind (which is physically impossible).

I feel like my brain sometimes does it to self distruct itself. The good news is when you are able to move on from that pattern of thinking you will come out so much stronger.

Hi all, just been catching up on the thread. It's nearly three months since H dropped the bombshell that he wanted out, and after a couple of months of him toing and froing from the house, he's mostly living away now. I haven't seen him for nearly 2 weeks, and last night I really started to miss him. I've realised weekends are my trigger points. They just stretch ahead, empty and pointless. Especially sunny weekends when we'd sit in the garden with our coffee and the paper, then a glass of wine in the evening. I miss our family dinners with the kids. In general I'm coping ok, and can see lots of benefits to him not being here, and I know our relationship had come to the end of the road, but this morning I'm just really missing him and our family life together. And I'm struggling with being alone. It's not fun seeing all my friends planning things with their partners. This is all just really hard at the moment. Sorry, just needed to get it out somewhere. I hope you're all doing ok. X

@cakeoverexercise hi to you. Sorry you’re having these rough patches, I wanted to post to say I’m also really struggling at the moment. I’m actually 6 months in from the decision to separate but I’m still living here in what is now his house, unfortunately the process of buying my flat has been agonisingly slow and I’m sure that’s what’s contributing to my slide into what can only be depression now.

Just like you I desperately wish the clock could be turned back to the relationship we once had. And just like you I find weekends tough knowing it’s just me now - no days out, drinks in the garden, meals in or out etc etc. And worse still, I’m having to watch him do his own things that no longer include me. Emptiness is the exact word for how I feel my life now is. I have always been someone who’s good in their own company but right now I can’t bear the thought that’s all there is going forward. So whereas 2/3 months ago I had a degree of excitement about moving into the flat, now there is just dread at the emptiness.

People say ‘well you can do all those things still on your own’, which is true but right now I truly don’t want to. I hope to God this is just a blip because if I can’t get back to enjoying my own company I won’t be able to bear it. Equally though, I can’t see myself wanting to get into a relationship again either.

The flip side of missing what we had is the agony and utter torment about the lying, cheating, lack of respect, and rejection that I feel from the last few years. I absolutely cannot make peace with any of that, if anything it hurts more and more as time has gone on and I’m fixating on his low opinion of me. I just can’t find any closure. Again, I’m hoping that once I get out of here those emotions will begin to heal, but for now I feel like I’m in a vat of treacle.

He’s currently away on holiday which is bringing conflicting feelings - I can breathe a bit having the house to myself, but I’m also really tormented at how he’s living his new, separate life.

I’m glad there are others here on Mumsnet to vent with, and share the struggles with. I’m definitely finding this severe dip hard.

I hope your day hasn’t turned out too badly, nice weather at least. I don’t know where you are geographically, but we can metaphorically keep each other company and whinge together!! 💐

@AloneAgain2023 Thank you, but sorry you're in such a difficult situation. I know how hard it is having H back in the house even for just an hour or two. I descend back down into the pits of despair. So I can only imagine how tough it is for you having to live in his house. This is all so bloody tough, and there's no quick fix for our emotions. It's a relentless rollercoaster of moments of positivity mixed with periods of anguish. If I let myself remember the stuff we used to do and how he used to act towards me in the good times, I feel unbearably sad, as if I'm grieving a death.

I too like a fair amount of my own company. In fact in lockdown, I remember moaning to my friends that I never got a minute to myself. But now i can't bear being on my own, as my mind starts heading down paths I don't want to go down. I crave company, but am worried I'm a burden to my friends, who all have their own lives. Today has turned out ok so far, as I've kept myself busy in the garden. I think that's the key, staying busy and keeping your mind occupied so you can't think too much.

I do hope you can move into your flat soon. I think that will make an enormous difference to you. It's impossible to even start getting over things while your H is still right there in your face. I'm just glad we can keep each other company on this hideous journey. Hugs x

My husband left 17 days ago out of the blue. Can't explain why, coming up to 50, needs to live true to himself....no real answers. Up to the point he left I had no idea. Everyone is stunned because they thought we had a strong relationship. Me too. But he had mentally moved on already. I asked him to go to relationship counselling but he said no.

I can't stand the pain. I cry for hours every day. I moved to his town 10 years ago, so now I don't want to be here. I have nothing else here. I lost him and his family.

There's me and my two wonderful kids, 21 and 18, who have been amazing. Buy they've lost their dad, and they shouldn't be shouldering my burdens.

My world feels off kilter. Everywhere I go is where we used to go. I can't even enjoy my own garden because I created it as a haven for us.

Tbh he did very little here. I did all the housework, cooking, DIY etc. He'd help if I asked but never with cooking. I did all the thinking.

I loved him, cared for him, was truly interested in him. Kept a beautiful home. We were still physical and had great sex (now I feel for him it was just sex and that's another dagger in my heart).

When I got a big pension payout I paid off all our debts. So now my future looks very different.

I still love him. He's taken all his stuff and living with his parents in one room. Changed his address on everything, proper embracing this 'new life'.

I feel a fool not knowing. I feel embarrassed. I feel alone. I don't want to live if I don't have him. I can't bear that he is just doing his own thing somewhere else.

I analysed months of messages. So much love from him, so much affection. No sign he was unhappy. He says we want different things, but can't tell me what they are. He has always struggled with self esteem issues, but never worked on them. Every so often they'd rear their head and we'd discuss and I'd beg him to get help. He didn't.

I am a strong, capable woman. I can survive alone. I just don't want to.

I can't stop loving him. I want him back. But I want this pain to stop. I can't breathe. I can't function.

I can't bear that he's taken a wonderful marriage and thrown it away, no warning, no chance for us to discuss how he felt and address it together.

@Tinyminx I’m so sorry to hear of the position you’re in, like so many on here. It sounds like an incredible shock to you, and particularly cruel that you used your pension money to pay off debts, that’s a double whammy for you in terms of going forward.

Your story will resonate with so many on this thread, myself included, although in my case it wasn’t so much of a shock. But it still is incredibly hard and painful to process and deal with.

It is still very early days for you, so allow yourself to grieve and wallow and cry, you are allowed and justified. I suspect others on here may agree that there’s a distinct possibility of another woman, given how sudden it feels. It isn’t a given and you know your particular lives better than anyone, but it is very much a possibility.

My husband works from home in the main and yet was still able to cheat on at least a couple of occasions, it’s astonishing to me how clandestine people are capable of being. But there are never good excuses for cheating, although men can very much re-write history if it suits them to do so and begin to come out with all kinds of justifications.

I read on here a little while ago that ‘cheating is always on the cheater, not the cheated’, please remember that if you start to question yourself. You are absolutely NOT a fool, nor should you feel embarrassed. It’s depressing how common this is, and for me personally I can’t imagine wanting to get involved with anyone again, but equally I enjoyed being married and in the main I enjoyed our life together.

I hope you can find a smidgen of comfort on here when you read other ladies stories, you are absolutely, categorically not alone in what you are going through, although you will feel alone. Please vent and ‘bang on’ as much as you need to on here, I know I have found it a Godsend.

Sending lots of good wishes to you 💐

@Tinyminx I'm so sorry you find yourself in the same awful position many of us on here find ourselves in. You're still in the first throes of shock, so I'm not surprised you're in tears most of the time. Until you've been through this, no-one can understand just how devastating it is, and how the bottom literally falls out of your world. You need to do whatever it takes to get through this next bit as it is tough.

My story is similar in that around 3 months ago my H, early 50s, announced he was out. We'd been having couples counselling, I thought with a view to getting back on track, but it turned out he'd checked out a fair while back and dropped the bombshell very suddenly in our last session. It's a cliche, but I think something happens to men in their 50s, when the kids are grown up, and they're facing the prospect of being with the same woman for the next x number of years. They want more, or different, than what they've got. It's depressing, but seems to be true.

I totally understand what you mean about everything being off kilter. I'm the same. I haven't been out for a meal with the kids since it happened (they're late teens) as each place holds now tarnished memories. It's like his decision has tainted all our past happy memories. I'm still living in the family home with the kids, and I'm finding that tough, as there are memories of him everywhere I look.

You seem like a strong character and that will stand you in good stead over the coming weeks and months. And it sounds like you did everything in your power to create a happy marriage. Honestly, these men don't know when they've got it good. But you shouldn't feel any embarrassment or guilt.

I understand when you say you will cope with being alone but don't want to. I'm exactly the same. I have a good network of friends, interests and a good job, so I should be fine on my own, but I just don't WANT to be on my own. I was looking forward to maybe travelling together and sharing our twilight years reaping the rewards of all our hard work. Now I'm stuck with having to find a smaller house and living much more frugally and on my own once the kids leave. It sucks!!

Anyway, you will find lots of support on here from people in similar situations. It's not a place any of us want to be in, but it does help knowing you're not alone. Much love and hugs. X

Hi everyone, this weekend has been difficult - it's 2 months since H left the family home, and today I have been finding myself in tears a lot.
I tried not to let my son know that I was crying/upset, and just took myself off to the bathroom to just let it all out.
I think the processing part of all this happens in stages...
Every now and then, it all just hits you.

Anyone else getting sudden crying episodes when you least expect it?

Hi everyone, sorry to read about all this heartbreak. I am just over a week in a break up so still deep in the absolute misery of it. We were together for 5 years, both previously married with DC. We didn’t live together because of the kids, but had houses really close by. I thought he was the love of my life but it turns he’s been cheating for the past few months. He has a history of this in other relationships but I foolishly believed it would be different with us.

when it all came out in the open I suggested counselling to see if we could salvage the relationship but he said that he wants to separate so he can work on himself and he doesn’t know what the future holds.

I am in bits, can’t sleep or eat etc. I want to be angry but instead I am bereft and just want him back. How do I switch to anger? I feel like I’m letting myself down by wanting him back.

Hi @Jixarixie I’m seven weeks in so at a very similar stage to you. Yes, the tears can happen at the drop of a hat. I am trying to work from home as much as I can so I don’t have to cry in public, but then I also feel more isolated and lonely than when I am in the office. Realistically I think this will continue for some time. Love to all hurting today.

Thanks @CherryPieface - it sounds like we're at a very similar point, post separation. I hope you're doing ok.

I've had the odd day, where I feel a little bit stronger, only to find myself at a real low, soon after.

I'm struggling to go out of the house, as my H is using DS to track my movements.
Whenever I'm go out, he messages H, and then he sneaks in the house while I'm gone - there's actually no need for that at all!
It's quite unsettling. I'm not an ogre, I told him he only needs to let me know when he's coming round, it's all fine. But no - he'd rather sneak around.

The other week, I overheard DS on the phone to him, saying "she got in at 7:30pm last night" - I really don't know why H is asking what time I got in the night before, it's got nothing to do with him anymore... It's like I'm under surveillance!

My friend said that maybe he's hoping that I have got someone else (I haven't).

Even still, it's not really fair of H to put DS in this position, and it's left me feeling like I can't trust my DS anymore too.
I don't want DS feeling like he has to 'pick sides'.

So I'm becoming more and more isolated, as I feel like I can't leave the house, as, he clearly wants me 'out the house' for some reason.

He has proven himself to be so utterly untrustworthy in so many aspects life, that I don't want him coming round here helping himself to stuff, while I'm not here!

Oh @Jixarixie that’s awful! And your poor son.

We don’t have kids so I’ve got a simpler situation, but he only gave me the keys back last week. I feel so much better knowing he won’t be popping round to get his stuff all the time.

Hi @Ginerous I’m so sorry to welcome your here, mine was cheating too. The anger will most definitely come but you just have to ge let through the different stages. Going no contact really helps to stop you missing him. But it’s easier said than done and I keep checking his social media even though I know I shouldn’t. Please take care xx

Thanks @CherryPieface Sorry to hear you are in the same miserable boat. Mine doesn’t really use social media which is a great help. He only lives a few minutes away from me though so all I can think about is how close by he is but how far away. I am furious with myself for wanting him back when he has behaved so badly and I am furious with him for not trying to fix things with me. I’m starting therapy next week so hopefully that will help.

I just want to jump on and send all positive energy in the universe to those on this thread who are hurting. I cannot imagine how it must be if you have to go through a separation/divorce with someone you still love and with kids in involved and have to deal with their infidelity at the same time.

It must be unbearable.

Me and STBX are splitting as of last week after 20 years. But I don't mind as I don't really like him. He's already kicked off his love live and I'm not even bothered. I'm really sad for my son who is 15, though, and he is my main consideration as we embark on the negotiations.

However, I do remember the heartache of splitting up with a person you passionately feel for and it is the pits. Having fallen in love a few times in my 'previous' life only to break up after a year or two, that gut renching feeling and the pining was just awful and seemed to last for ages too.

Thankfully for me, I don't really feel like that now but god I feel bad for the people that do.

I think it takes a major event to happen in order to move on. So, another love or a new job or a new place of work. Something other than just time that will really bump you along the road and help forget and heal.

But that's likely to happen when you're single and in your 20s but quite another when you are married with kids and intertwined finances and home that requires having to work together too, in order to achieve the end that you so desperately don't want.

It's bad enough when you are happy about the split.

Hello all, welcome to all the new joiners, and sorry that you are also going through this. I've been doing a lot better for a couple of weeks but am currently in a bit of a relapse. I had planned to move into a rental but it was too difficult to find one (I have dogs) and ex-h agreed that he would move out of our house and let me move back in. I moved back in at the weekend and am finding it very very very difficult to be back in the house surrounded by all the things we bought together and that represent so many years in my life while also trying to remember that he is utterly gone and never coming back. (And not helped by the fact that he didn't clear out his stuff or tidy up very effectively so I have that to deal with too).

I'm also struggling with a total lack of closure and communication. I think we have talked only 4 times in ten weeks, all instigated by me. That, and a few messages, is the only discussion of the end of our marriage that I've had, and he hasn't told me what he is really thinking in any of those conversations. That's been good in some ways - as others have said, no-contact definitely helps with accepting that it is over/moving on, and is much easier to deal with than the living-together that others here have had to do. But it's still hard to feel like this huge part of my life is fininshed and yet to have no discussion about it and no understanding of how/why we got here. It's also difficult not to have any idea at all what the ex-h is doing now. I'm assuming that he is moving on happily and has just cut me off while he moves on to a new life. But maybe he is unhappy and having a breakdown? I doubt it, but I have no idea either way. And I don't really have any way of finding out. He doesn't use social media and has moved to a different part of the country - for now, he is staying in his father's house, though that is miles away from London, where his job (hybrid) is based. I don't see how that could be a long-term solution for him but he hasn't talked to me about any of it so I have no idea what he is thinking or planning.

So basically I'm finding things tough right now. I think my family are starting to get a bit frustrated with me because they feel I should just be relieved that it's over. And I will probably get to that point in time, but I have so many unanswered questions and so many uncertainties for my future that it's hard not to get stuck in anxiety and fear and sadness. Weirdly, I've not been angry yet. I can see objectively that I have a lot to feel angry about, but until now I've mostly felt sad and still seem to have a lot of compassion and love for my ex-h. But maybe anger is coming next!

Anyway. Just wanted to vent a bit here as I try to work through this stage. Love to all and hope that the day ahead is a good one.

@harlemriver - when I first found this thread, I read the whole thing from start to finish, and I have wondered how you were getting on.

I can empathise with your thoughts regarding being in the house - I have stayed in the family home with our son and it feels very odd, looking around at everything now. The house feels really strange/empty without him here.

It's good to hear that things have generally felt a bit better for you lately, but sorry to hear that you're not feeling quite so good at the moment.
I hope that feeling passes for you soon.

It seems my H has been telling the whole world about our split, and painting himself to be the victim (if only they knew what he has been putting me through though!), which I have found particularly tough.

He has been posting frequently on social media (having never really been into it before), about his amazing life now, all big flashy smiles, and comments underneath from people saying stuff like "so good to see you're happy now", etc, which of course hurts.

I don't know why he is doing all of this. It's as if he is aiming at causing maximum hurt.

I have not posted anything on social media about any of it. I have kept it very private, and only told a few close friends about what's happened, so it's bewildering.

Thanks @Jixarixie. That's very difficult for you - I fully expect my ex-h will be doing the same thing (telling everyone a version of events in which he is the victim). I've been tempted to contact a few people and tell them not to believe him but for the time being am trying to take the high road and avoid feeding any gossip. I also keep telling myself that whatever things look like on the outside, it doesn't necessarily reflect reality. And ultimately, even if he IS happy in a new life, and has a wonderful new relationship and even a new family (that prospect hurts a lot as I am 44 and will never have kids now) that doesn't change the fact that in our marriage, I wasn't happy and wasn't going to be (because he didn't care about my happiness!)

I've read some studies that say women are unhappy in the short-term after separation but in the long term the majority say they are much happier after divorce. The reverse is true for men. That makes sense for me when I read this thread full of men who have been distracted from their marriages by dreams of a shiny new life. It's easy to see that this will be exciting in the beginning but is likely to end in disappointment. While the women/partners who are left have to deal with the initial shock and devastation but will then focus on finding themselves and rebuilding their lives in a more positive and authentic way. That's what I'm telling myself anyway!

@harlemriver - you're right, and I think the truth always comes out in the end.

It's interesting what the studies say - if social media is to be believed, then my H is loving the single lifestyle right now, but when I actually speak to him in person, he tells me that he is struggling, and can't sleep. (Well, he's caused me enough sleepless nights over the years, so I think maybe it's his turn now)

Are you currently going through the divorce process? (Apologies if you have already mentioned it upthread)
We we meant to exchange Form E weeks ago, but H keeps stalling....

I'm finding the whole thing a LOT harder than I ever imagined so far.
I don't know anyone else that is going through the process IRL.
Feels quite lonely, as no one else around me really knows what it's like.

I'm also feeling annoyed with myself for my conflicting emotions - he caused me so much stress / doubt / worry / pain / devastation, etc over the years, and lied habitually about literally everything (even really small inconsequential stuff), took massive risks without considering the impact on me & our son, and yet, I miss him. Stupid, I know.

And yet, everyone around us thinks that he is Mr Wonderful / nice guy, and that everything is my fault! It's very frustrating.

Hello everyone... I have just been catching up on the thread. Hello to the new comers, I am so sorry you are here.

@Tinyminx - My H is talking about being his "true self" too. This has been going on since his mid 40s, he is now mid 50s... and slowly he became abusive and I had to leave. I have tied myself in knots trying to understand, but I can't get to the bottom of it and have realised that trying is a waste of my time and energy. The man I loved has gone and isn't coming back, so I am better to treat myself gently, grieve and make plans for the future. It is easier said than done.

@Jixarixie and @CherryPieface - I am about 4 months in and the tears still hit me randomly. They are further apart now, but at least once per week I will fall to pieces completely. I just let it happen now, I think it is part of healing and if I need to sob myself to sleep, then that's what I do. I do wonder sometimes whether it is healthy, but all that emotion has to go somewhere.

@harlemriver - The studies about how men and women react to separation is interesting. The further along I get, the more I can see some light, and that my life will be OK.

@Jixarixie - I also feel very conflicted. H said and did some awful things to me, but I still love him (I know that is unhealthy), and worry about him. It is hard to let several decades go. I keep telling myself there is nothing I can do and he is not my responsibility, but it is very hard.

Sending hugs to all.

Hi everyone

late to the party (post) but came to mumsnet as I am struggling with separation.

My story so far;

My husband and I have been together 13 years, married nine. Two DC (8 and 6).
both work in healthcare and do long shifts so we decided to work opposites once kids were born to save paying childcare. He works FT, me PT so I do majority of being with kids.

We hardly saw each other, really. And when we did both of us were guilty of not making much effort to spend quality time together. We went thought a particularly bad patch last year when we hardly even communicated around the house. But we went to marriage counselling for 6 months and I truly felt a change for the better, chatting more, spending more time together etc. slowly getting there. Or so I thought.

In April this year he decided he wasn’t sure if he saw a future for us. “Didn’t know” what to do. Wasn’t happy. Had been “miserable for years,” apparently. No one else involved. He took two months to decide and finally tell me it was over. We split beginning of June. For a whole week. He changed his mind and begged me to forgive him, tears, pleading etc. “couldn’t believe” what he’d “almost done.” He said he was in it for “the long haul”and wanted me and he would leave it to me to decide what I wanted to do as he knew he had hurt me.

I took a few weeks to decide what I wanted. I decided I could get past the hurt and that I wanted to try. I had hope for the future and truly believed if we both put the last few months behind us and both made an effort we would work it out. So I told him this.

Then a few days later he - out of the blue - said it was over. Again. For good. Said as soon as I’d said I wanted to try he realised that isn’t what he wants. I told him he isn’t changing his mind again and this time his decision need to be final and he said it was. This was around three weeks ago.

He is still staying in the house but has a flat lined up for a few weeks time. He did offer to go to his mums but I don’t want my DC seeing their dad sleeping on his mums couch. They kids don’t know yet as it’s been their birthdays last few weeks and we need to wait until we are both not working to tell them together (next Tuesday is our first day off together). Absolutely dreading telling them.

I think I’ll be okay financially. He says he’ll help and he’s always been honest and fair when it comes to money so I do believe him.

I’ve felt so numb and bewildered for weeks. Like I’m just walking around in a daze. I tell people I’m “fine” and paste a smile on my face but I honestly don’t know how I feel. I’m scared it is all going to hit me and I’m going to crumble.

at this point I’m done even being too upset about him or worrying about finances. The thing that’s breaking me the most is the thought of not seeing my kids every day. They will be at their dads when I’m working - we will share childcare as we do just now and continue working opposite shifts. So they will be in the same town when I finish work and I’ll come home to an empty house. It kills me the thought of not kissing them goodnight every night or reading them their stories. I honestly feel panic stricken at the thought of not having them in the house with me. I dread the thought of being home alone without them.

sorry this is so long. I just needed to blurt that all out to people who understand. How do you cope? Does it get easier or is it hell?