A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@AloneAgain2023 I'm sending you a huge hug - five months in that situation sounds awful especially how he's making it feel like it's not your home. I hope you know that you are worth so much more than that, and I hope you'll update us with the little joys of making your new flat your own without a trace of him! It really is like watching a car crash in slow motion. A dog sitting break sounds like perfect timing, I hope you enjoy lots of lovely dog cuddles.

I'm losing my house too, I can't afford to stay here and to be honest just want to start fresh. It's on the market but going so slowly, I couldn't stand the thought of him living here until god knows when so I gave him a deadline. All his family think I'm evil, I'm pretty certain. Me and the children are going to be moving in with my amazing mom for some time while I regroup and try to save a bit of money up to start again. Feels like it's going to take an eternity from here and I hate the thought of being a burden on my parents when they should be enjoying their lives.

Im on mat leave until September and dreading the thought of talking to colleagues when I go back about how my life has fallen apart while I've been off. My reflex is to make a joke out of it all, I need to practice saying "we've separated" and leaving it at that. Any tips? What do you say to people when they ask? Do you even address it?

I wasn’t sure what to do about colleagues, many of them had met him over the years so I wanted them to know so they wouldn’t put their foot in it. So I waited a few weeks until I had a few days off then emailed a few of them to say we’d split up but I wasn’t up to talking about it. Then when I returned from leave everyone was kind and supportive but no-one has mentioned it unless I want to talk about it. I’m sure you’ll feel so much stronger by the time you return that you may not find it such an issue. Love xx

@Goodgoodthings thank you for your kind words, I hope that your situation gets happier & healthier when you’re away from your husband. It’s incredibly difficult when your options are so limited, and hopefully you’ll discover a little bit of peace when you move in with your parents, you must feel as though ‘how the hell did I arrive at this point in my life’, I know that’s what I find myself dwelling on.

As far as talking to people goes, I’m probably slightly contradictory in that sense because although I’m a pretty private person in general, I tend to be an open book when I’m in great turmoil and distress.

All my clients have been incredibly kind about me banging on about my separation and living arrangements, and there have been plenty of tears that I haven’t been able to control at times. Everyone is different but I like to let people around me know what’s going on, and then they’re understanding when you’re upset or withdrawn. Some days though I truly don’t want to be around anyone, and that’s difficult when you have to continue working!

@AloneAgain2023 yeah this is it - I feel like life has really done a number on me. This time last year I was about to have a baby, thought we were happier than ever. I was so upset earlier talking to my mom and just kept thinking I don't want this to be my life. But here we are, one day at a time. We've got this.

Not particularly thriving tonight though! 8pm and back in bed, I feel like I'm living like a toddler 😬 anyone got any good tv/book recommendations?

@AloneAgain2023 I get what you e mean about being withdrawn. I tend to do that when I am upset it processing something when normally I am the outgoing one. I've not been very open at work about everything, reading your experience I think I need to be.

@Goodgoodthings I know that feeling of 12 months ago I was (sort of) happy. I've started to re-watching greys anatomy in the evening and doing one thing for me such a face mask or pedicure etc.

@Jixarixi the books I’ve bought are The Kite Runner, she who became the sun, the handmaids tale, tell me how this ends, yellow face, and Daisy Jones and the six. H doesn’t read, I’ve only known him to read one book in our entire 13yr relationship so it’s nice to be able to read guilt free (he’s a tv watcher and would complain we never watch anything together, so I wouldn’t read as much as I wanted to please him)

Also this comment in your post really resonated with me:

• am similar in age to you (I'll be 50 next year), and I have wasted the best years of my life on this guy.h I regret not leaving him 10 years ago, when I discovered his affair, but at the time, my son was 7, and I wanted to make sure that I had given it my best shot. So I gave him another chance*

I am your 10year younger self - I’m 40 next year, our youngest ds is 7. Although there is no affair, we are in a very unhappy place. Ds will be devastated, he is such a daddy’s boy and it utterly breaks my heart making him have to split between us. But (and please no offence here), I don’t want to be you and try and give it everything to find myself in the exact same position in 10years time having wasted my 40s with this prick.

I am a mix of dreading and excited for Christmas. I love Christmas and spending it exactly how I want to, and not having to pull back on seeing my family to please H anymore makes me incredibly happy. However, the thought of splitting the dc fills me with dread. Especially as youngest ds has his birthday on Boxing Day so we can’t do the Christmas Day/boxing day split because then I’ll miss out on his birthday. Im sure we will find a routine but it’s a really tough thought.

@goodgoodthings I am also the one to end things although it was my H that began the process (personality change, saying he’s not happy and doesn’t see a future together as we’re so different etc etc - standard lines it seems.) yet it always seems to be the wife that finally calls time on a relationship, and leaves us feeling guilty and like we don’t deserve to grieve, but we do, and being the one to end things is an awful lot harder then staying in the status quo. I 100% understand how you feel. In time, it will get better. I’m still living with H, we’re in the trying phase of counselling etc, but we are currently on holiday and it took less than 48hrs of being here to no that nope, there’s hope. So he’s going to have to move out when we get back. In one sense, as we are here as a big extended family, they can all see how he is behaving so I don’t think a split is going to shock anyone. On the other, it is so embarrassing, and 3 more days seems a lifetime to go.

Sorry, there's no hope is what I meant to say. Definitely no hope, he's been insufferable

Hello everyone. I've been away from the thread for a couple of days. How is everyone doing? I'm managing ok. The crying has subsided, although the sadness is very heavy.

I'm trying to look to the future now.

Hugs to all.

@CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease wow that all sounds really intense, especially being away with family too. How are you feeling today? Please don't be embarrassed, be proud of yourself for making the right decision for future you to have a happier life. You deserve to be with someone who absolutely cherishes you. There has got to be so much more out there for us surely?

@Itisallgoingtobeok hi, I'm new to the thread but have caught up a little. I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling with the weight of the sadness of it all. It comes in waves for me and I struggle to cry much because of having little ones about and also my anti depressants seem to dampen things which is both great and awful because I think it's important to let the feelings out. Sorry if I've missed it, but do you have family around you to support you?

Today I bought new bed sheets in sainsburys and got into bed at 8pm like a maniac but it feels incredible, would highly recommend. 5 house viewings this weekend so i'm going to stay with family for a few days so the house stays tidy for them. And also it is making me feel so sh*t to keep thinking of other people in my home, knowing we'll be leaving.

Good evening all. A while since I posted but I’m still no further along in this - in fact, I am missing him more than ever despite him being an absolute shit to me through his solicitors. On a large family day out today, he would usually be here, as an integral part of the family as everyone else. I really don’t know how I’m ever going to get through this - he’s been telling my daughter today how much he misses her and he’s nothing to do now he’s living at his mums - obviously he’s not missing me but I just find this ridiculous- shouldn’t marriages be worked at?

Hi all,
I don't know if this will help anyone on here - I've been feeling really low lately with the breakup and everything, and yesterday I got the Paul McKenna book about mending a broken heart.
It comes with an audio recording too.

I read the first few chapters yesterday, and (I know this might sound a bit woo), but I have definitely felt a shift in how I have been feeling about it all today (I haven't even got around to listening to the audio recording yet!).

Just thought I'd share

Hi @PotsnPan sorry you’re still struggling. My husband has moved out today - well partially, but the gaps where his things were is awful. Like you I still don’t understand how he could change so much and why he couldn’t work on it instead of leaving.

I’ve cried so much today. I miss him so much and the man he once was.

@PotsnPan I am glad to hear from you even though I am sorry you are still in the thick of it. Things are the same with me too, I have had no forward progress but seem to be numb to my situation or something like that. I am totally with you that marriages should be worked at, I feel the same way and feel unlucky as well that I have a husband that has no interest in doing so, although mine won't leave or make any decisions other than to tell me is done but do nothing about it so here we are. Just know you aren't alone in this misery.

Morning all. I've been catching up on the thread. Even though things seem really bleak everyone is so strong. We just need to keep hanging on (easier said than done, I know) and we will come out of the other side.

My situation has completely stagnated. We haven't moved forward at all. For now I'm going to focus on myself and try and get myself to a more stable place emotionally.

Autumn is in the air and I have always found this a lively season for new starts. Let's hope this is one.

Hugs to all.

I’ve had the middle bit of the divorce process today (first thing I saw this morning!😔), an email for me to confirm that I still want it to go ahead. H saw his first and immediately confirmed, which I then got a message about. Somehow, even though I knew it would be coming on a certain date, it felt hurtful and painful all over again.

After having an okay couple of days, I’ve gone back down today and have been crying on and off all day / evening. And realising (again) that it doesn’t appear to bother him at all makes it so much worse. It’s STILL hard to process how little he cares. He’s going on holiday at the end of the week (says he’s going with a work colleague but who knows) and although I’ll appreciate the space apart, I know it’s going to be a rollercoaster of emotions.

I still haven’t been able to move out and it really is affecting my mental health now, I don’t have any other options so I have to stay here until the sale of my flat finalises. The weekend was actually okay, but of course it doesn’t take much to tip the balance of emotions, and today feels black again.

Sending good wishes to everyone still struggling 💐

@AloneAgain2023

I'm so sorry to hear this, it sounds horrendous! I can only imagine it throws you backwards - I can only think that it's like riding a roller, as soon as you start feeling stronger from the idea it's like a sudden gut jab, as youre reliving the reality of it again.

I hope you find strength in the fact that you deserve so much better then that! That one day it will feel better, but it's equally okay to feel these emotions now.

I am currently sitting on it, because I don't want to start a process I'm not mentally ready for, but then sometimes is it better to just rip the band aid off in one go? I don't know anymore?!

... I don't think however the process unveils itself it's extremely distressing. I have read that women grieve harder and recover better in the long run? Infact I've read a lot, probably to much in order to gain answers, closure or something.

One day I hope it brings me/us peace 🙏

@Mirrorbright thank you for your reply. I can really relate to you talking about not wanting to start the process yet, it is a huge step.

In my case, although we hadn’t been happy for years, I wouldn’t have made the decision myself because deep down I still wanted to grow old with this person. The trouble was, he wasn’t the person I first got together with, and he wasn’t the person I thought he was, despite being together for 18 years.

That disentangling of a life together is incredibly painful, and the pure & simple rejection is worse still. It’s 6 months now since the ‘decision’ was made and despite knowing it’s the right thing to do, it’s still very raw and hard to come to terms with. I thought my marriage was one thing, but actually it was something else. There has been lying and cheating from my husband, possibly more than I’m aware of and that’s incredibly difficult to process.

It’s easy to say ‘you will know when the time is right’, but it will always be hard. And you might be worried that you will end it one day and regret it the next. That’s very possible because the ups and downs are almost guaranteed.

I think a good thing to do which is often mentioned on Mumsnet, is to ask yourself if you would be happy to be in your exact situation next year, and the year after that, and forever more?

I’m like you, I have read, read, and read some more - Mumsnet, YouTube videos, separation & divorce articles, anything trying to find comfort.

Here’s hoping for peace for all of us 🤞

Husband has gone on holiday today, he says with a work colleague but of course I don’t know for sure! I thought I’d come back from work and half enjoy having the house to myself but actually I just feel really empty, sad, and realising that this is it now going forward.

When I move out, although it will be my place, I just know that I’m going to still feel empty. These conflicting emotions are so difficult - knowing he has been someone who has lied and cheated and not treated me well, versus that other person with whom I had some great times and a good relationship (for a while).

I’ve always been good in my own company, but I’m getting more and more worried that maybe after all these years living with someone, I will no longer like living on my own. It’s something that I’ve kind of relied on going forward, ‘at least I know I’ll be fine living alone again’. But maybe I won’t be? I did enjoy living together in the main, coming home to someone, spending the evening together.

At first when I do finally get moved, I’ll be busy getting things how I want them, but what then? Coming back to nothing and no one.

I apologise if all that sounds whiny, I’m really struggling at the moment. I desperately needed the purchase of my flat to go smoothly and quickly, and it’s been neither (just over 5 months and still counting!😭). The longer I’m here watching husband living a separate life having emotionally and mentally moved on, the harder it’s getting. I’m not remotely religious but it’s as though someone up there has decided I need punishing for something and wants to make every day this year as stressful, painful, and difficult as possible! In all seriousness though, there have been days I feel I can’t carry on like this much longer - I’m not living, only existing.

Tonight I feel like I am in trouble MH wise. Has anyone had experience of calling the Samaritans? I’ve been looking at their web page, you can even email or web chat if you prefer. I don’t really have too many options in real life to call, and I’m not sure that I can afford regular counselling, although I could stretch to the odd session or two.

I just can’t get past all the different aspects of my failed marriage. The disappointment, the betrayal, the rejection. The way he’s made the fault mine for years now, and yet the only one who has lied and cheated is him. I read a quote in recent days - cheating & lying is always on the cheater, not the cheated. And of course it is. He made choices out of a lack of respect (and presumably interest) in me.

He himself was on ADs for the past couple of years or so. He told me at the time it was because of work, he got signed off sick the day after MY Mum died! But I’ve noticed since we agreed to separate & divorce he has come off them, so I guess it was me / the marriage. And yet he’s the only one who has behaved badly in the marriage! I have plenty of flaws, who doesn’t, but there’s nothing I have done that has been so terrible.

Rightly or wrongly, I feel so so frustrated about all that - I am struggling beyond belief at the moment, not wanting to get out of bed or go about my day, while he has considered himself the victim in recent times. Despite looking / cheating over several months including before we made the decision to separate!

I have got myself so worked up and tearful tonight, sitting on the floor hyperventilating. I’m never quite sure what the definition of a nervous breakdown is, but it must be something like this feels? Paralysingly bleak, an absolute disbelief that I am where I am. If I woke up from a nightmare like this it would feel distressing, and I’ve been living it now for more than 6 months. The menopause too! I think I need to see my GP but as everyone knows it’s nearly impossible to get an appointment these days.

Hello @AloneAgain2023 your situation is very, very similar to mine. I think you should contact the Samaritans now, why don’t you try webchat initially? Or we can chat now xx

@AloneAgain2023 I think that you should probably reach out, have you tried looking into CBT also? I obsessed at one point, just to find more pain for myself it was a horrendous vicious circle - CBT really did help me, but I do think in this moment reach out to anyone that you can talk to deeply.

You need to Know that it's okay to feel like this, cry all you need and don't feel like you've done wrong in anyway. Unfortunately it won't feel better until you're have road these highs and lows (I am constantly up and down) but one day bit by bit I promise it'll get easier.

Just Invision yourself in the future seeing this as a really horrible chapter of your life, that made you stronger, but in order to get there this is just the rough seas; it looks in possible, but everyday tell yourself you deserve more and push with that attitude everyday.

Please do reach out to Samaritans if you feel in crisis - but just allow these episodes and call them 'moments' over time the 'moments' will become less and less.

I cried the other day, because I no longer cry and that made me sad. I promise it starts getting better. X

@CherryPieface @Mirrorbright thank you both for your posts, I really appreciate you taking the time 🙏. I bought some CBT capsules (one a day) and have taken them for about 3 weeks now, but I’m not sure they’ve done much. I have taken husbands Propanolol from time to time (I cut them in half to make 20mg). It’s such an exceptionally stressful time though that it’s hard to know if anything is actually working or not!

I had cause to take ADs about 21 years ago (thanks to a relationship!) and they were a godsend, but unfortunately I did put on quite a bit of weight with them and that puts me off trying that route again. Shallow perhaps, but that in itself was depressing!

I have gone from having a small degree of excitement about the flat 2/3 months ago, to now not wanting what’s ahead of me at all. I can’t bear that I’ve spent 18 years with someone only to have it all come to this, and to question all of it wondering how many of those years were a lie.

I’m in my mid fifties and so have a fair bit of life experience with a few breakups under my belt, and am probably considered a bit of a no nonsense type person, BUT this experience has completely battered me, and shredded any confidence & self esteem (it’s always been a bit wobbly). I really feel as though my life has gone backwards, I truly wanted to grow old with someone, H and I used to have all these ideas that we would do when we retired.

I desperately hope this black black cloud lifts a little in the coming days.

Hugs to you both 💐

I meant CBD capsules, not CBT! 🙄

@AloneAgain2023 I think reaching out and talking to the Samaritans sounds like a good idea.

The days will get easier I know they will.

I have had a few good days now and I never thought I would. Today I have dipped again a little. I feel pretty much the same has you. I am questioning my whole life with him and wondering if he was always cheating at different points in the marriage. The whole marriage feels like a lie.

I have found that when I start dipping I sit and really think about every hurtful thing he has said and done to me. I tell myself that this is all on him, he's a prick and there's got to be something better for me to come. It does help and I am finding that bit by bit I am feeling better.

I really hope you can find some peace soon and just know that you do deserve so much more.

@AloneAgain2023 - I hope you are ok. Did you message the Samaritans?

I wanted to share some of my experiences in case they help. My situation was a little different as I ran from and abusive relationship. Having said that, I felt enormous guilt and felt like I had failed. Despite the abuse I missed my husband immensely and still do. I've come to realise what I miss is the husband I used to have (he changed massively over lockdown). That man does not exist now. There have been times like you where I have almost made myself sick with crying. A few months ago I cried so hard and for so long I couldn't see properly the next day as my eyes were all glued up with dried out tears. Don't underestimate the massive betrayal that has happened and you have the right to let all that hurt out. Sometimes it comes out in a small way and sometime it comes out in a raging torrent. I came to the conclusion that it was ok however it came out. I had some lengthy dark periods and wondered how things would ever be better. Then one day I went for a walk and for about ten minutes I forgot about him and was just surrounded by the beautiful countryside. It did all come back into my head, but those ten minutes gave me hope. Now those ten minutes have stretched to hours. It's such a cliche, but time does help, keep hanging on, your ten minutes of light will come too.

Hugs to all.