A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

Hello @AloneAgain2023 - thanks for your reply, I'm glad there was some useful resonance in my post.

I just thought I'd share some inspiration here generally. I had lunch this week with a female friend, who was a single parent for a long time. She's a similar age to me, and about 18 months ago she started seeing a divorced man she'd met online. He and his wife had split up fairly amicably quite a long while before that, and they coparent 3 kids who are all adults or at university now. My friend lives in my town and the man lives in a city 50 miles away. And they are having a brilliant time, are very much in love and happy! They enjoy not living together and each having a flat in their own city where they both spend time together but also separately with their own children, or when the children are with the other parent. They have been on holidays together. They make each other laugh. It sounds kind of ideal to me! The idea of my own space without all the arguments and the bad atmosphere, being as tidy as I like (apart from my teenager, of course), having my bed all to myself some of the time. It seems like a happy and committed relationship without all the horrible weirdness of the marriage I find myself in.

So just thought I'd share. Yes, there are a lot of internet dating horror stories out there. Yes, being single again in your 50s and beyond has a high chance of being a bit shit. For every nice fella like this one, there will be some absolutely awful ones. BUT it is at least vaguely possible that there might be a decent one out there - I have seen the proof!!

There's another thread here that I'm finding really helpful too, in case folks haven't seen it:

Can you tell me the best / worst things about separating from your partner? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/4869511-can-you-tell-me-the-best-worst-things-about-separating-from-your-partner

@FlowerandSunI am so so sorry!! I know this feeling to well, waking up when the only peace you start getting is your sleep to the reality of your life and trying to push through those feelings - most horrendous feeling.

I think the common denominator is that love for ourselves was broke down months/years before they left, we were jumping through hoops to get them to stay knowing they were unhappy and now not only have they left, they have left us feeling worthless also.

I don't know what part of grieving this is over the relationship it is, but as soon as I found myself again I felt so much better; I think that's when it became anger for me.

@EVliving I hate that youre going through that, your Ex seems to be trauma bonded by her relationship if its physical abuse and choosing OM over children (still getting used to the abbreviations) - it's the only thing I can think of for the behaviour.

There will be regret, 100% at some point and the best thing about it you'll live a life of keeping your head high! ... Because the struggle is the right choice, that life isn't all rosey and I think everyone eventually looks back (whenever that is) and has regret and guilt.

Some people do wrong and bury their head and others take the high ground, even though it's a struggle it sounds like youre doing really well and you'll ultimately gain the respect of them for the rest of their lives.

As much as it hurts and is a disappointment to them, youre not and that's all that matters!

X

Can I join in here? We've been newly separated. I gave him a year to buck his ideas up, and was clear about this, I didn't actually last the year, three months short, but I couldn't forgive him for telling me he resented his child.

It's hard now, scary even. He's trying to go for 100% custody. Telling em I'm breaking up his family. I'm choosing to walk away because I can't "forgive and forget" (like when the school accused me of being controlling and abusive towards DS and he said "oh well it will work out". It did. After I fought like hell.)

He's saying everything he can to guilt trip me and it's tugging my heart strings. A lot of threats are coming out now from him. I'm regretting it slightly, but know if I stay in 20 years time I'll regret staying more.

This is the emotional process isn't? Working through all this.

@whycantIthinkofadecentusername - welcome, if that is the right thing to say. I am so sorry you find yourself here. It is a lovely thread, with a lot of support.

It sounds as though you are having a very difficult time, and I think many of us understand the guilt, but remember, that this isn't you. You are right not to stay. I stayed 20 years too long.

Hugs to all.

I'm sorry I only just saw your post. I hope you are OK. I understand completely how you are feeling. My H is also saying he has never been happy, and I try to remember that this simply isn't true. We may not be happy now, but we were and we had a good time.

My sadness has started to ease a little. I do feel incredibly lonely though. I think I will just need to get used to that, and I am sure I will.

Hugs to all.

I need to concentrate on my health. So, I am going to do small things:

• Daily walk
• Healthy food as a baseline
• Going back to a hobby I adored. I had to give it up because H would be so moody every time I did well at it.
• There will also be a lot of crying still, but that's OK.

I was just out for a walk and saw Christmas decorations in a shop window and it hit me like a tonne of bricks that I will be alone this Christmas. Christmas was always quiet but it looks bleak now. Has anyone ever gone away for Christmas?

@Itisallgoingtobeok thanks. I'm both sad and relieved to have found a bunch of people also feeling the same.

The guilt isn't being helped by him saying awful things such as "I'lol resent you for every day I'm not with my son". It did hit me like a tonne of bricks when I realised I would resent him for the rest of my life if I stayed. I don't want to be in this position in 10 years time.

Im incredibly lucky in that I have the support of my friend who is also going through similar after his DW cheated. He's about a year into this and has been able to give me some sage advice, including reminding me what he and other friends watched happen over the last few years.

Today I have taken DS out to get the last of the school things with my DM. It's been nice to spend an afternoon out without worrying about annoying the ex. We've also booked one last activity to do my friend and his DS as a final holiday treat.

Little things but it's a start and I see them as accomplishments. When I get back DS and I are going to watch a film together whilst I paint my nails. Again a little thing, but the ex hated me doing it.

@FlowerandSun - I could have written much of your post myself, (word for word), as my STBXH said exactly the same things, like:

"We have nothing in common anymore" - we do have things tho, I sat and wrote a list, and there were loads of things!

"Something's missing/wrong" - this gives them a really good way to get you trying really hard to 'be better', without knowing what the actual problem is exactly. Like you said, organising date nights etc - nothing ever seems to be good enough. I ended up tying myself up in knots, trying to meet his 'expectations', but always managed to somehow fall short... I didn't notice a huge amount of effort on his part though... and it's no good if only one partner is doing all of the trying...

Becoming distant - yes, mine was definitely doing this, and for the last few months before we split, I began to wonder if there was someone else (it has happened before, and his behaviour towards me was feeling very similar to how it had been when that happened).

We're trying to stay amicable, and we were having a cup of tea together recently, when he decided to tell me, that he has realised that ALL of his depression, has been caused by our relationship! (Nice).
This, is despite the fact that he was on anti-depressants before we even met each other (23 years ago).

Then, a few days later, he was asking if there was any chance of a reconciliation.

A few days after that, he said to me that "by setting him free/letting him go, that I had given him the best gift I could have ever given him, because he was so unhappy in our relationship" 😦.

But at the beginning of the year, he had given me an eternity ring??...

He actually dumped me over the phone, after 23 years together (married for 18).

A few weeks later I told him that I agreed, (in the kindest way that I could).

His behaviour since then, has been erratic to say the least...

Hi all, I'm struggling a bit today. Having come back from my holiday a couple of weeks back full of positivity about a future without H, he came back for a couple of days over the weekend to see the DC, and it's thrown me right back to the bottom of the mountain again. It just turned into a horrible reminder of what we're missing when he's not here. DC were happy to see him, but it just left me feeling devastated all over again when he left, this time taking a lot more of his stuff. I think a little bit of me was hoping he'd have found it hard living away from us and would see what he'd been missing, but if anything, he seemed even more dead set on his course. I'm trying really hard to remember all the reasons why it's good he's gone (and there are a hell of a lot of them) but the thing that trumps everything is the feeling of intense grief at being left alone. I see all my married friends and can't believe I was ever lucky enough to count myself among their number. I know I'll get over this low point (I've been here before, and lower) but just now I'm in a really bleak sad place. Sorry for the brain dump, and hope you're all coping ok today. Hugs to all. X

@whycantIthinkofadecentusername - your realisation of not wanting to be in this position in 10 years time - this is exactly one of the things that has led me to separation/divorce (aside from his very shitty behaviour for as long as I can remember), is my friend saying to me:

1. He's not going to change.
2. Do you still want to be putting up with this kind of behaviour in 20 years time?

And even though the separation has been absolutely awful, I just keep reminding myself of these things.

@Itisallgoingtobeok - about Christmas - I heard a christmas song yesterday on tv, and had the same awful feeling. Maybe we can all check in with each other on here (I know it's not the same, but at least we won't feel quite so alone).

@CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease - I liked your list of self-care activities, the Pinterest board is a great idea, I might give that a go too. What books did you get?

@roses321 - after you wrote about the book by Susan Elliott, I downloaded the sample, it's a good read so far, might go ahead and buy it. Thanks for the suggestion.

After my experiences with H, I really do not think that I want to meet anyone romantically, I certainly won't marry again. He has proven himself to be so untrustworthy, in so many areas of life, that I quite literally cannot believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore.

To say that I have 'trust issues', nowadays, is an understatement!

Interestingly, I used to absolutely trust him, in the beginning of our relationship (naive, I know, but I was young), and recently, he told me that "one of the qualities that he liked most about me, was that I was so trusting" - he saw me coming, didn't he?

@Itisallgoingtobeok and @Jixarixie The thought of Christmas keeps popping into my head too. It will be a very bleak one this year, but I like your idea of us all checking in with each other.

I agree with your take on trust as well. I too trusted H completely and utterly before all this, and now I feel if he wasn't even trustworthy, no-one will be. I don't see myself in another relationship (I'm in my 50s, so the odds are pretty low anyway!) but I suppose it's still early days. I hate the fact that H has taken away my ability to have faith in people.

@cakeoverexercise - I can totally relate - every time I see my H, it sets me back a huge amount. (Especially now that he's taken to saying cruel things to me).

I'm finding it best to try to not be around him too much, I feel much more peaceful that way! Not always easy, I know.

Hope you're feeling a bit better soon - I've been finding watching things that make me laugh on telly to be a great help, it just takes my mind off it all for a while.

@Jixarixie Thank you. Yes, every time I see him it sets me right back. I'm going to try not to be around when he comes to see the DC next.

I'm finding anything that distracts me on TV really helpful too. Friends seems to be my go-to comfort blanket at the moment. I've seen all the episodes tons of times before, but it just makes me feel safe and grounded. Thanks again, and hope you're doing ok. X

Another one here dreading Christmas. I thought that I might try for a week in the sun to escape and form new habits but then I remembered that I probably won’t be able to afford it because of the lawyers costs and paying double for everything now that he’s away. I would love to check in with everyone here xx

@cakeoverexercise - Friends is a great one - I've been watching lots of those too.
Also, I've been watching 'Not Going Out', on BBC iPlayer, there's loads of episodes, they're not too long, and they're really funny (in fact I watched s:8 ep:5 the other night, and the scene at the end was so funny, I laughed so much I had tears rolling down my cheeks! 😂)

And you're right - it helps you to feel safe and grounded - my life is currently being turned right upside down, and anything that gives any sense of feeling 'normal' is most welcome right now!

I am similar in age to you (I'll be 50 next year), and I have wasted the best years of my life on this guy.
I regret not leaving him 10 years ago, when I discovered his affair, but at the time, my son was 7, and I wanted to make sure that I had given it my best shot. So I gave him another chance.

During that time, he has taken several really massive risks, he just doesn't seem to care about the impact of his decisions on me & DS... Then he complains that he doesn't get enough affection (it's not easy to be affectionate towards someone who has nearly lost your house from under you though!) - but everything is all my fault, obviously...

But, I have kind of agreed with myself that I won't get involved with anyone for at least a couple of years (probably longer) - I need that time to heal from the break-up anyway. And although it gets lonely at times, I felt really alone within my marriage, and I quite enjoy my own company - I figure I'd rather be on my own, than put up with any more of his bullshit!
DS is still here (except when he's with his dad), and it's nice to have his company.

Hi, wondering if I can join in with you all please? Could really do with some people to chat to, as two months in it seems the "novelty" is wearing off and friends and family have stopped asking me about things.

I've got 2 little girls under 3, I've been with DH for over 10 years and he has always been bad with money. I stupidly trusted he'd sorted out his problems and have helped to pay off large amounts over the years, but he actually just got better at lying about it - I discovered loads more hidden debt and a porn addiction in June. It's my decision to end things but I'm really struggling to come to terms with it all. The embarrassment, denial, anger, sadness and the sense of being a massive failure to my kids.

@Goodgoodthings you are none of those things. Instead you are actually a shining example to your children, showing by example how their future partners should treat them and what they are truly worth.

Hold your ground!

@whycantIthinkofadecentusername thank you, that's so kind. My post was a bit doom and gloom, just really feeling it tonight! Meanwhile he's laughing at the tv and eating a baked potato 😑

Two weeks until he moves out, I'm so sick of taking myself off to bed every night at 8pm. I've loved reading through this thread so much of it is relatable, I'm sorry that everyone is going through this shit. Is anyone else still living together and losing their mind?

@Goodgoodthings that and I'll regret staying in 10 years time is fuelling me at the minute.

We can all do this, even if only through spite of we don't need them.

@Jixarixie I haven't tried Not Going Out, but it sounds right up my alley at the moment, so thanks for the tip!

It sounds like you've had a really tough time with your H. Your son is a similar age to my 2 DC, so we are in very similar boats. It was a bit more of a slow burn with my H. He just became more and more obsessed with work and alcohol, and more and more distant from the family. I was the one to say I wasn't happy, and we needed to work on things, but he was the one to suddenly end it and walk away, just after we'd had a couple of marriage guidance sessions. I subsequently found out he'd been visiting strip clubs (and probably a lot more besides that I don't know about, or want to know about) so I'm well rid. But I keep remembering what he was like at the beginning and I really miss THAT guy.

@Goodgoodthings Welcome to our group. You've made a really hard and brave decision, but definitely the right one for you and your girls. You won't regret it in years to come, I'm sure, but in the meantime you'll find lots of love and support here. Our situations are all slightly (or even wildly) different, but what we all have in common is the painful struggle we're going through. Sending you lots of love and hugs. X

@whycantIthinkofadecentusername absolutely, life is precious and far too short to be with someone who makes you unhappy. I'm glad you feel you're making some steps it sounds like you had a lovely day with your mum and ds. I can't wait to have nail painting evenings in the lounge! Having a toddler means I usually have rainbow nails and I would highly recommend it for a boost!

@cakeoverexercise thank you so much 💜 sorry you're having a hard day today, I hope you're able to take some time for yourself this evening to show yourself some kindness. One thing that's been helping me is making a moodboard on Pinterest with things that I want in my "new life" even if they seem far fetched. It's a nice focus/break from reality on the super shit days!

@Goodgoodthings, rainbow nails sounds a good plan, might even crack open the chrome powders for good measure!

My current tactic is to take pleasure in the little things I haven't been able to do and work on the rest one step at a time.

@Goodgoodthings hands up here for still living with Husband. We separated at the beginning of March and such a lot has happened since - discovery of OW (naturally!) although I’m not sure he’s still seeing her. Also our home, the house & garden that I really loved, is now his home and technically I’m a lodger. It has been so painful and has felt worse rather than easier as time has gone on - he’s changed things, redecorated, new furniture etc, all while I’m still there. I spend most of the time in the bedroom reading or watching something. I will be moving out in the next 2/3 weeks into a flat I’ve bought, but these 5 months have felt like 5 years and it’s been incredibly hard and miserable.

I’m doing a dog-sitting job this week so I’m currently elsewhere and feel calmer already, although the waves of sadness, anxiety & depression still wash over me at times. @cakeoverexercise I can just imagine how you would feel calmer on holiday and then feel plunged back down again when you have to be around the H. I know I will hate having to return to the house next weekend. I’m trying to hope that once I’m not seeing him daily, only then can the mending begin. But even as someone who is good in their own company, I’m worried I won’t enjoy living alone again.

Years ago after a failed relationship, I moved out and into a rented flat, and I had what I called my ‘Happy Board’ but they’re usually called mood boards. A few posters have mentioned these and I can highly recommend them. Whatever pictures, photos, images make you feel happy, chirpy, jolly etc, pin them on. I’ve already bought a cork board for my new place in readiness for a new happy board!

Another one here who thinks a Christmas ‘check in’ is a good idea 🎄 It’s no doubt going to be very difficult and lonely for us all this year. I’ve decided that 2023 has very definitely been my Annus Horribilis and unfortunately it’s not going to be magically better by Christmas. But hopefully 2024 may be a new beginning for us all, or at least the beginning of a new beginning!!