A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@roses321 - I have a similar story. I know how hard it is to get out of a situation like that. You have been so brave, and it has been and still will be tough but you did the hardest part. Now try to nurture yourself in small ways and remind yourself you are strong, brilliant, and the master of your own future.

Hugs to all.

Thanks I am so exhausted and tired and emotional right now and I feel upset about not having him in my life. I get abusive emails from him and I just hurt constantly about the life I could have had if things had been different.

@roses321 - the exhaustion will ease as will the extreme emotions, but it took several months for me. I tried not to fight it and if I needed to fall to pieces I just let myself do it. Can you block him so he can't message you? I am considering changing my phone number.

Hugs to all.

Yes, I feel exactly the same! But then it dawns on me that he won’t know/care and that brings me down again. Tough times but I am feeling stronger.

Have taken a couple of days holiday just to look after myself and that has really helped. I’ve told my work colleagues now so am bracing myself for the return to the office tomorrow. I will cry if everyone is nice to me!

Hi All - really struggling, I haven’t had a day for 5 months now when I haven’t felt like this and I’m exhausted. I just cannot understand how my partner and husband of 13 years can cut me off completely dead, as if nothing we ever did actually ever mattered or meant anything. I’m so miserable, feel as though my reality is completely distorted. Will this ever end?

You're not alone with struggling. For some reason I am too and I don't even really know why to be honest, I was fine and felt positive but this week I've taken a huge nose dive and started panicking and regretting the end of my relationship and wondering if I made the wrong decision to leave, I obviously know that it's fear talking.

It does end, but you have to try not to judge yourself, and just take each day as it comes basically. It's really hard but I just tell myself "I feel shit and that is ok" and it stops me trying to have an internal battle to NOT feel shitty as that makes me feel worse.

@roses321 - that internal battle of not trying to feel shitty is a good way of putting it. I'm allowing myself to feel shitty if that's what I need to do. I can't think of another way to cope to be honest.

Hugs to all.

Welcome to everyone that's joined, I hope you find lots of support here.

I am so fed up of feeling like this now. I wish I could just find some way to move on. I keep thinking of joining some local classes in the area and although it seems like a good idea I just have no motivation and talk myself out of it.

Have any of you tried anything new to try and get through this.

@PotsnPan I understand how you are feeling. After 27 years my husband has completely shut me out, not just me but my children also. I just don't understand, it's like we mean nothing to him. It's heart breaking.

@Dottie4 I think moving on isn't a straight line. I have days when I feel full of positivity about what could be round the corner, then the next day, or even the next minute, I've plummeted right back down to square one again. But I do feel as if every dip down becomes just that tiny bit less extreme. So I count that as progress. It's definitely a struggle every day.

I do think trying new things is the way forward. I've decided try out some new classes in the autumn. Even though the motivation to go out is almost nil, I'm really going to try and make the effort. The alternative of staying at home every night with nothing to do and no-one to share evenings with fills me with more dread.

@PotsnPan I'm so sorry you're still struggling so much. I can really feel in your posts just how difficult it is for you to move on from the awful hurt your H has done to you. I have no advice really, except to say that the journey is different for everyone, so maybe just let yourself feel whatever you need to feel until you don't feel it any more. I absolutely understand the feeling of complete exhaustion with it, so you have my total sympathy.

Hugs to everyone who's struggling. X

Hi all, I've read every single post on here and absolutely heart broken for each an every story - I'm so sorry!

I am going through a similar thing; H started playing victim in relationship painting own narrative to his family about situations (just so he could hate me) going out more and wouldn't talk then the verbal abuse came all over the space of 2/3 years followed by what looked like depression.

We have two kids together.

Took half our savings and blew it all on nice car and new house, phone, gadgets etc.

Voided that in my head and asked what he wants from this and he will say stuff like; it could make us stronger, told me I could keep property, saying I will never ask for a divorce, saying no one else involved (thought of another women makes me feel sick, buying my a cake when out with kids.

I cried for 2.5 months flat everyday, I felt sick every moment of the day, scared to be alone but people got bored of me being OCD obsessed to find answers that they can't give. I booked in to CBT therapy, counselling alongside two note pads of journalling.

I'm not saying I'm healed by any means, because I still hurt every morning when my body realises he isn't here at home where he should be.

However; I no longer blame me (I did), but I was sat here waiting to work for our family and I no longer wait, because that's out of my control. The thing I learnt was that time does heal, but sometimes I sat not wanting it to heal because that meant accepting it and I didn't want that, I use to sit in that moment day in day out.

I started booking classes, deleted social media, stopped observing if his family were still following me, started looking at myself in the mirror telling myself I loved myself and I started to feel better.

I don't want to move on, I don't. I still deep in my core want him home; but texting him, reacting to the situation (I couldn't control), beating myself up was driving me into a hole.

If I need to cry I cry, if I catch myself laughing I pat myself on the back. Ive stopped becoming scared to live outside this moment in my life and if they come back, that choice is on you ... If they don't it doesn't matter that they don't appreciate you (I know it'd hurt, it'd hurt me) it doesn't matter if anyone does, because we have to learn to do that for ourself and practice and practice until it becomes normal.

Every single women in this forum is a power lady/man, every single person deserves to be treated correctly also!

Every time I catch myself thinking about him, I envision me writing the thoughts on a piece of paper, then I screw it up in my mind and throw it to the universe to deal with (because it's out of my hands) and in the meantime I set very small stepping stones to a full recovery.

.... And when I need to curl up and cry I allow it, when I'm done I imagine me throwing that out to the universe too...

I am so sorry and feel everyone's pain! It's the worse thing, I know you don't think it'll happen (I wonder too) but one day we will all be happy and this group chat will be being looked at by someone else in our position, thinking they won't be happy again.

Until then protect yourself and stay strong ladies, because you have deep down got this! ❤️

Hi everyone. Been reading all your updates, and sorry some new ones have joined. Sorry we are all on this path.

I checked out for a while, and was doing well. Sporadic contact with ExDH, who is trying his utmost to make amends - not to get back together, but to do the right thing for me and our girls moving forward.

Then I found out this morning that the woman he was seeing for 10 years, who messaged me, whilst I was on holiday, passed away yesterday.

Most people are saying karma, etc. But I feel totally shocking. Spaced out. Like it isn't real. They weren't together any more, and had no contact since May. But to hear she has died, so young, is just devastating. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I just can't seem to process my feelings around it. It should mean nothing to me, but it also means a lot. I don't know her personally. But together with him, she ruined my marriage.

It's must be so hard to be in that position, I can only imagine that someone that you had bad feeling towards, then to be left with the guilt that you ever felt that way because of their death and now feeling sorrow for their life ending, but know that it closer.

What an absolute mix of emotions and a good person wouldn't just see it as Karma, they'd see a whole bag of emotions and guilt for feeling any type of relief from it too.

Your definitely allowed to feel mixed about this one, I hope you're okay.

Have you spoke to ExH about it fully or just to get the news?

Gosh, that’s just awful @Tootiredtosleep i totally understand why you’re feeling so shocked. Hugs to you, that must be very confusing.

Right so come on then ladies, what are we doing to improve our mindsets? Answers please.

Me:

• Pilates
• Journalling
• Reading "Whole Again" which is a great book for loss/trauma
• Reading "How to get past your breakup" by Susan Elliott - really awesome book very helpful and comforting.
• Crying when I feel like crying
• New clothes
• Facial
• Talking to all your lovely souls on here.

What does everyone want to focus on next for their lives? Genuine question. x

@roses321

My journey involves;

• 1 year financial plan and general plan (reduced from 5 because things are changing rapidly)
• CBT training
• Planned self care (once a week)
• Counselling
• Deleting social media
• Getting outdoors as much as I can
• Journalling
• future imagination - Manifestation (me in a good place).

Hope you lovely people are doing well and focusing so hard on yourself that everything else is becoming easier.

@cakeoverexercise

I relate to so much you say

Wishing you and everyone progress with your lives.

@roses321 Counselling, journaling, clearing out a lot of H's things (that feels good), maybe getting a dog, taking up swing dancing, sorting out finances, going for LOTS of coffees with very patient friends. It really does help to have practical, and sometimes even fun things to focus on.

@Jas683 Thank you, I hope you're ok and making progress.

As always, hugs to all of you that are struggling.

Apologies for being awol for a while. I've been trying to take a step back from social media whilst I gather my thoughts.

Can't remember where I last posted, but two weeks ago I hit rock bottom and told dh I agreed we have no future together, I want to separate and when we return from our holiday in September I think he needs to look for somewhere else to live. Even though it was dh that started this rollercoaster 2 months ago, he seemed absolutely floored that I would come to that conclusion. Did he expect that he could keep treating me like I didn't exists and think I'd stick by him?
Well he thinks he has confessed about how much he struggles with his mind and how he understands and interprets things (I think this is all bollox tbh and just a made up excuse for not listening) bared his soul blah blah. Dedicated to making our relationship work and for the first week at least, nothing I wanted was too much trouble. Back to the man he used to be before the social media influencer dream took over, couldn't fault him. But how long will that last? I've seen the odd slip, the odd comment having a dig at my dd and our relationship, the arrogance of ignoring decent advice with "well I'll do what I want, it's my problem not theirs" etc.
we've found another relationship counsellor and have had the first session which was frustrating as according to dh - I'm a fucking angel and everything is all his fault - like he's now too scared to say anything negative, but that's not how this works. But now I feel so torn and guilty for wanting to split because now he's doing everything right - how could I break our family apart? It's very much messing with my head. To the point that I'm actually thinking about seeing a clairvoyant (not sure I believe in it all but willing to go with an open mind)

But to answer above - what am I doing for myself:

• Investing in hobbies. I'm looking to take up salsa dance classes because I love dancing (H has two left feet and hates it)
• Decluttering the house - I'm more of a minimalist, H is very much a hoarder so I'm looking forward to a clean, uncluttered home
• making a Pinterest board of my dream life and making plans on how I will achieve it. We only have one life, and it goes to quick, so let's make our dreams a reality
• deleted social media
• I've bought loads of books. Might even read a couple

@harlemriver I’m a few days late but thank you for your words. It’s such an odd feeling - knowing it’s the right decision to separate, knowing that neither of us have been happy for a few years, knowing that he has cheated on at least 3 occasions (I now know) during our years together - and yet feeling desolate and disbelieving of where we’ve arrived at!

The past 6 months have been generally horrendous. I thought that the nightmare couldn’t get worse, but I was wrong! On Monday I had an email from my conveyance solicitor to say due to a particular unusual clause in the lease, they advise me not to proceed with the property purchase! As that had been my way out of the current living arrangement (still with Husband) it was my only light at the end of the tunnel, I honestly wanted to die. I felt utterly helpless and black with nowhere to turn. Fortunately after a week of ‘what the hell do I do’, the freeholder has unexpectedly agreed to remove the clause.

But I can’t feel excited about it all, tonight I should be feeling relief but actually I feel flat, low, and despairing about the end of the marriage. I just cannot find any peace with the betrayal & the rejection. Even now, after 6 months.

I have had a look at the Runaway Husbands website and will read through it again. My situation differs slightly because it wasn’t sudden, on reflection I can see how it couldn’t continue as it was and it had been dying for a few years.

I can’t help thinking though that if the husband was so quick to look elsewhere every time he felt ‘unhappy’, I never really stood a chance of him choosing to concentrate on us!

I hope you’re currently okay, and life isn’t too dramatic right now.

@implodedlife I was interested to read your ‘joining’ post, I read so many aspects of your situation that completely resonated with me. I’m a similar age (3 years older), like you I really loved our home & garden (it’s now ‘his’ home & garden), I too feel like the past 18 years have robbed me of possibly being with someone who cared for & respected me far more than the Husband did.

Like you, the idea of living out my days alone in a tiny flat is horrendous. As it happens, I have bought a flat (not particularly tiny), with an inheritance plus my share of the equity in the marital home. But also like you, I’m quite a low earner (& self employed) so although I will have no mortgage it will still be very tight and time will tell whether I need to stop my little business (that I enjoy) and try to get something else to earn more money (in my late 50’s!).

I come from a broken home and exactly what you said, that makes you desperately want the opposite - a long, secure marriage with someone you feel safe with and loved by. The idea of getting involved with someone again makes me want to run for the hills, and yet at the same time the idea of heading into old age & retirement alone is incredibly depressing.

Despite being someone who is generally good in my own company, I really did enjoy being married and having that life partner (supposedly!).

I hope you find everyone’s tales and advice on here helpful, I know I do. I wish you lots of luck going forward on whatever path you choose to take.

@Tootiredtosleep I actually gasped out loud when I read your post from yesterday! What a peculiar mix of feelings you must have!

I can totally understand how you would think ‘I don’t know her personally so why does this have such a big impact’. The truth is she was a hugely significant person in your life, for all the wrong reasons. You were somehow connected - she was jointly responsible for upending your life.

So rightly or wrongly, I think you would be allowed to think in terms of Karma.

I hope you can process all those thoughts and feelings and park them where you feel they should be.

Evening all - I really think I’m going mad.

Wife had affair, I caught her messaging OM. She left to be with him, split up two families. Ok so crack on an move on with life and shared care of children.

Wife then gets assaulted by OM with police and SS involved (multiple times), OM is not allowed near the children. However they share a house and children can’t stay when he is there.

Now the children are 100% with me. Two teenagers and me plodding along somehow.

How can anyone pick a new partner over their children.

It’s just crazy how bonkers people can turn out to be. Partners who have always been the rock for their kids can suddenly pick some random person over them.

Partners can come and go even the good ones but why stay with a partner over your children. Beyond words x

How is everyone getting on?

@EVliving it's just unbelievable how people change, especially when it's someone we loved and shared everything with.

I am pretty sure my H was seeing ow before we separated. My eldest DC are refusing to speak to him because of it. Instead of trying to repair any relationships with them he chooses to continue seeing the ow and does not have anything to do with DC instead. I just don't get it, this is a man who spent every single day with these DC.

That is so sad. How do these people live with that. It is mind blowing.

How do they sleep at night, how doesn't he miss his children, I would be begging to build bridges with them. Some people really are selfish bustards x

New here and a little scared to write. I have read this entire thread and relate to everything you guys say. I am devastated.

12 months ago my husband changed. He started lying about his whereabouts, started spending more time at work, asking me to wear more makeup, get a hobby, try harder, etc. That was all very hurtful in itself.. until he started saying things like 'we have nothing in common' 'somethings missing'and becoming extremely distant. Meanwhile I am parading around in my new hobby gear, full face of makeup, planning date nights etc in a desperate bid to win him back.

.....My H finally left me 2 months ago declaring "feelings for someone at work" whilst claiming it was not a physical relationship but it made him realise that "we were not right for eachother" and he claims it isn't about this OW. Even though I caught them on a walk together a matter of 2 weeks ago.

Since then.. I am waking up feeling so anxious and alone. Every time I open my eyes I think; He is really gone, I was not good enough, She must be amazing. I am not worthy of love.
I love my DS and do everything to not be upset infront of him but feel so guilty as I feel as my selfish hurting overrides my ability to be happy dancing mummy.

How can a man just change? How can a man who once "loved me" now just go around telling people that we just wern't right for eachother and skip out all the deception and hurt? It goes back to that narrative changing you all talk about..

Wow ladies anyone who read this far.. bravo! I wish you all so much love and strength and pray you do not feel an ounce more hurt.