A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@Lionelritchieforever yep, I'm in that boat too. Constant blowing hot and cold, it's absolute torture. To try and take some control I have decided to put a date on it (I haven't told him that) - if things are not stable by then, I'm done.

@Itisallgoingtobeok I am with you on the ups and downs. Sometimes I feel like everything is going to be okay and sometimes I just feel the despair. I do think (and have to believe) this is all part of the "grieving" process but it is so hard. Also, the podcast is somewhat embarrassing, usually I just listen to trash podcasts to distract me from real life and this is one of them 😀. But this excerpt was from the "Most Dramatic Podcast Ever" hosted by the ex-host of the bachelor Chris Harrison and his fiancee. It is sort of trash sometimes BUT both Chris and his fiancee Lauren have been through divorces and Chris with two kids in the public eye so they do some advice segments and I find his advice sound, actually comforting and so interesting. Unlikely source but I take these tidbits wherever I can get them!

@Lionelritchieforever This has been my experience somewhat too and I think you are right on. They think the going back and forth is "kind" and is sparing you from the more harsh truth but all it really does is make you suffer more. I am so sorry you are going through this and you are right it does nothing to help anything. Sending you hugs and support and you are definitely not alone!

@ShylaA040404 - your description of the podcast made me laugh! I will look it up, it sounds both fun and useful.

How is everyone doing today? Today has been better than yesterday so that's positive.

Hugs to all.

How is everyone getting on?

Today I have finally contacted a solicitor and have decided to get started on the divorce. I am still crying most nights but I know this can't go on and I have to pull myself together. I am hoping that by starting the divorce I can take back some sort of control.

I spoke to my h tonight and I know for certain now he is not the man I knew. He does not care about anybody but himself and the OW. None of my children speak to him and he's just not bothered. I don't understand him if it was me and they wouldn't speak to me I would be trying every single day to mend the relationship any way I could. He makes absolutely no effort.

His friends at work have now found out about his affair with the OW, she works with him. Some of them have stopped speaking to him, he's been friends with these people for years. When I asked him how he felt about it he just shrugged his shoulders.

The stupid thing is if I could have the old h back and he wanted to come home I know I would let him. I tell myself daily just how pathetic that is but I just feel so lost without him.

@AloneAgain2023 thank you for your kind words. I just wish I was already on the other side of this. I guess we all do though or we wouldn't all be here struggling. I also don't understand how men just switch off, it can't be healthy. I am hoping that my h switches back on one day and it all hits him. I will have hopefully moved on with my life and will just sit and watch from the sidelines. I am now this awful person that wishes that on him.

It must be incredibly hard to still be living together. I hope you start to find some peace and can start to heal once you move out.

@PotsnPan think I am almost at the 5-month mark, I have given up counting. I am worse now than I was at the start. The financial side of separation is awful. I am quickly learning that what they say and then do concerning money are completely different things.

@Itisallgoingtobeok glad that today was a good day for you. Hopefully, the good days will start to be more frequent.

Hello all @Dottie4 I am sorry that you are in the same turmoil as many of us have been. It's such a hard thing to experience.

I'm still going day by day myself though think I am starting to have more good days than bad days. I've not heard anything from my stbxh for two weeks now. That's been hard - the longest time we've not had contact in nearly 20 years - but it's also helping to make me fully understand that he's gone and he's not coming back. I found a really good book that I wanted to recommend for others on this thread - Runaway Husbands (!) by Vikki Stark. She has been through a terrible version of this herself and the book is based on interviews with 400 women whose marriages ended in this sudden and shocking way, husband not who they thought they were etc etc.

She has a 7 point plan that I'm finding helpful (she doesn't try to say all this must happen immediately - she really recognises the time needed to process the shock that we have experienced):

1. Recognize that the chaos won't last forever.
2. Accept that the marriage really is over.
3. Integrate the fact that your husband has changed irrevocably and is beyond caring for your welfare.
4. Understand why he needs to justify his actions any way possible including rewriting history, lying or verbally attacking you.
5. Give up trying to get the acknowledgment and apology that you deserve and trying harder.
6. Turn your focus from the past to the future.
7. Celebrate your new life as a single person.

But the whole book is worth reading. I also wanted to say @PotsnPan that I received the gov notification that my divorce application has been accepted yesterday- to give you a bit of a heads-up that yours will likely come soon too (though of course you know the timelines as you work in this field). It was another painful moment, and again I've had nothing at all from the stbxh to acknowledge it. Brace yourself... I hope you are seeing glimmers of light too.

(didn't intend that formatting glitch with point 1 but I quite like it. It reminds me of another quote that I like, which is from Pema Chodron - "Chaos should be regarded as extremely good news" - it requires quite a lot of optimism to apply this to our current situations but I am hanging on to the thought that from this chaos I will be able to build a much happier life.)

This is a really helpful post, thank you. I’m just in week 4 but also starting to feel a little better. No contact really helps to move on a little. We’d been together more than 25 years so I know it will take a long, long time. Will look out that book recommendation, thanks @harlemriver xx

Hello everyone, I hope everyone is managing OK.

I saw H a few days ago. His mental health issues are really clear to see. He has told me he is fed up of trying to fit in with the world and that he is going to be him. Normally I would support people “being themselves” but, this is different. His personality has changed and his “not fitting in” means, doing and saying whatever he wants, regardless of the consequences. He’s becoming reckless and I am really worried now he will hurt himself or others accidentally. We may have been separated for a long time now, but I still love him and worry about him despite everything. I am so sad that I can’t reach him and get him to recognise he needs help. Every time I try, he digs in deeper, but I guess that is the trouble with mental health. Over the last few years he has slowly been descending into this awful black hole and it is only now I have some distance I can see he was dragging me in with him, so I did the right thing to leave.

I think today might need to be a day under the duvet because the sadness at the loss of what was a wonderful marriage is too much to bear just now. Some days I think I just need to accept that it hurts really badly and to let it pass.

Thank you for reading my brain dump. Sending hugs to all.

I'd like to join this thread if that's ok?

I have been on MN before, under a different username.

I am in the very early stages of getting a divorce.

H moved into his mother's house about 5 weeks ago.

It's been horrible. I can identify with much of what everyone has said upthread.

My H has proven himself to be untrustworthy, in every aspect of life. (Fidelity/financially/being honest about anything!) He's a habitual liar.

We have been together for 23 years.

We have a 17yr old son - he's been coping pretty well, but my husband has been using him, to tell him about my movements, and then he's been sneaking into the house when I am not here... which is unsettling.

Some very important documents disappeared from the house, but H denies taking them - so I feel very uneasy about going out anywhere now, as I know DS will just tell him that I'm out, and he will come round and just take stuff.

To make matters worse, I work for my H's business at present, so that's really awkward.

When the split began, it was only meant to be a break, so we could both re-assess things.
I told 2 very trusted friends, and swore them to absolute secrecy.
He has literally told the whole world, and twisted things to make me sound like I am the guilty party. He's posting stuff on social media almost daily.

If they heard my side of things, I think they would see things quite differently.

He takes massive risks, and almost lost the house from us a couple of years ago, as an example.

I have always tried to protect our family, but he sees this as me "saying no to everything", and tells me that I am just being negative.

He has got himself caught up with numerous conmen, which has put our family at considerable risk (and cost us tens of thousands)

I have always had to be the adult in the relationship. The sensible one.

I know that I am doing the right thing (I am the one that filed for divorce), but it is still painful.
It especially hurts when I hear from mutual friends, things that he has been saying about me.

He has told me that he blames all of his depression on our relationship (despite the fact that he had suffered from depression before I even met him!)

A few days later, he asked if there was any chance of a reconciliation!

A few days after that, he told me that "me letting him go was is the best gift I could've ever given him, as he was so unhappy being with me"

Then he went out and bought me a box of chocolates to apologise.

Next, he sent me a text that said "you're fucking amazing"

He's been telling me that the business is dead, and there's no new work coming in.

Yet, he is spending money as though there is no tomorrow. Meals out at restaurants, every night, booking holidays etc

(I on the other hand have been very careful with money since the split because I have a divorce to pay for!)

He is flip-flapping around so much, whereas, I just want a life with an absence of chaos, doubt, confusion, worry etc (all have been caused by his actions).
I just want to find some peace.

He keeps suggesting that after the divorce is done, that he wants to start dating me again! He is deluded!
There's no way that's happening!

Hugs to everyone going through this.

My husband has told me he’s started the divorce process as a sole applicant and has had an offer accepted on a house. He’s still in the family home but will be moving out to his parents soon. Weirdly I feel quite calm about it at the moment but it has been a long time coming. It is nearly two years since he told me he didn’t love me anymore but he’s only recently made up his mind that he doesn’t want to fix things.

Thanks harlemriver for the Runaway Husband’s book suggestion. So much of it resonates and I’m finding myself nodding along as I read it. Can really second the recommendation.

@Itisallgoingtobeok i feel as though I could have written your last post except my H has threatened me this week that if I try to contact him, then he’ll get an injunction against me! He’s also saying that when my DD has tried to contact him to tell him she’s struggling, that this is at my instigation too, and that he’ll rely on this for his injunction. Feel as though I’m living in a neverending nightmare. Not once have I threatened him, I just want to have a conversation with my partner of 13 years. Everything seems so surreal

Hi, I’m new here and am just about to be separated from my husband.
I’ve not stopped crying reading this thread and seeing so many similar behaviours. I still feel devastated but don’t feel so much that I’m going mad now. I’m a confident person but constantly being told that everything is my fault (even though I’ve done nothing wrong ) is destroying my self confidence right now. I don’t even want to leave the house.
I just want it all over but I feel like this is just limbo.

Hi all,

I've been on holiday for a couple of weeks (booked before all this fiasco started). I've come back with a sense of closure for me. Time to think has given me perspective on just how rotten our relationship has become and now I actually feel glad that H has gone. I was able to really reflect on the person he is now, as opposed to the man I fell in love with all those years ago. And I realised I don't really like who he's become, let alone love him. In the meantime, he's moved out, which is actually a blessing, as all his back and forth and non-communication about where he was and what he was doing was exhausting and upsetting. So I feel ready to move forward, as hard as that will be. But what I'm finding really difficult is how upset my DC are at him going. And I'm very worried he just won't stay in touch with them. He's such a different person now that I don't trust he has their best interests at heart any more. It's absolutely heartbreaking to see them so sad.

I'm so sorry to see even more people joining this thread. You'll find this a place of love and support from people who really get just how hellish what we're all going through is. I hope we will all come out stronger and happier once this awful transition period is over. Sending hugs to all of you.

@cakeoverexercise that sounds a positive step forward for you in terms of your perspective on things. Tough for your children though, hopefully he has some smidgeon of decency somewhere when it comes to them.

@Separatedandsad1 @Jixarixie and anyone else finding themselves here, I’m so sorry you’re having to join us all. So many of us can sadly relate to you completely.

I feel like I’ve taken another step backwards emotionally. I’m not far off moving now, but any excitement or positivity has completely disappeared and all I see ahead of me is being alone and being worried about money. My life is about to be so much smaller than it was. Although I can still see the need to separate, still see he isn’t who I thought he was, and that it just hasn’t worked out for us, I feel so desperately low with no light anywhere I try and look.

What worries me is, the things I was trying to take away as positives before - enjoying my own company, enjoying living alone, feeling as though there could be a new life further down the line, have all gone. I now just look ahead to a life I didn’t want or choose, and feeling as though the best of my life is behind me. I’m now crying typing and looking at this, I can’t believe I’m stuck in this proverbial dream I won’t wake up from!

We had another conversation yesterday in which he admitted infidelity on occasion over the years, he also said perhaps we shouldn’t have got back together a few years ago (he moved out for 6 months 8 years ago). In essence he’s had a foot out the door for a few years, with a definite lowering of interest & feelings for me. Although I knew all this really, it felt brutal all over again actually hearing him say it. I started the conversation and asked the questions so it wasn’t a case of him being intentionally cruel, more a case of a bit of honesty which I’ve been pressing him for for a long time.

Obviously I’m also dealing with the stress of a move and all that comes with it, added to which, the seller keeps contacting me on social media to keep on at my Solicitor and get this wrapped up. There is nothing nice anywhere in my life right now, and I even found myself thinking the other day if the Doctor gave me a terminal diagnosis of something or another I wouldn’t care. Which I know is terrible as so many people have that to deal with every day of the week.

My confidence & self esteem is destroyed and I still wish this wasn’t happening, despite the recent years of unhappiness.

I hope this spiral is temporary because of all the stress and pressure I’m under right now 🤞🤞.

Just joining this thread as I am right at the beginning of separation and struggling with worries about money and future loneliness.
things haven’t been good for quite a few years.
I have stayed in my marriage partly for the the children, not wanting to uproot them from their home and partly because I had hoped things would get better.
but my husband is a habitual liar, has been financially unreasonable and calls me all kinds of names whenever we have an argument. He doesn’t pull his weight in the house and I’m sick of feeling like I am responsible for the majority of everything.
it has been really depressing for quite some time and I lost my spark for life along the way.
however, something changed this year and I have slowly come to realise that things are not getting better and I therefore have to make changes and prepare for a life without him. I have started to take better care of myself.
I am still not sure about how things are going to work financially and how I can afford a home for the children with only half of our equity but I am just trying to deal with one issue at a time.
I have moments of weakness nearly every day where I wonder if we can make the marriage work and where I still have emotional feelings of warmth towards my husband but he quickly changes that by being a selfish arse.
when the bad times are filling the majority of time it really is over, isn’t it?

Hello all and hello to those who have just joined. I'm sorry you are here but hope that you find support.

@PotsnPan it sounds like our husbands are in the same sort of place. I think deep down he knows he is being unreasonable but just can't help himself. I guess that is the mental health talking. The problem I am having is that he doesn't appear to be sorry about the way he is treating me and that's a deal breaker. If he would get help then it would be a different situation.

Yesterday felt awful again. I'm hoping the bad days are getting less frequent though.

Sending hugs to all.

@AloneAgain2023 sorry to hear how difficult things are. I know it can be frightening to look ahead. And your husband sounds like he is being really unkind, which makes it harder.

I wanted to message to say that the fact you are feeling worse again might not be a step back. The Runaway Husbands book talks about different stages in the emotional process of coming to terms with the end of the marriage. Essentially that book tries to address the idea that not all divorces are 'equal' - some are a negotiated end to a relationship where both parties are on the same page, talk it through, and eventually reach the sad but shared conclusion that they have reached the end of the road. Other divorces are more abrupt because one party - the husband usually! - checks out without warning or without communication and the other party has to process it alone. I think most of us who have posted regularly on this thread are in the second group.

In Runaway Husbands, the author says that there are several emotional stages in the healing journey. One of them, I think its the fourth stage, is what she calls the 'ice storm', where the future looks bleak and hopeless. That comes a couple of stages after the point that I think I am in, the 'thunderstorm' of constantly shifting emotions from positive/empowered to sad/devastated. When I read that list of stages my first thought was that I don't want to go through the ice storm stage at all! And maybe it's not something that everyone will experience, but I just wanted to say that based on that book it sounds like it is a very widely shared stage of emotional processing, but at some point optimism starts to come through again. The message seems to be that 'this too shall pass' and at some point you will feel hopeful again. Best of luck.

Good morning everyone, another newbie here.

I finally told my husband I wanted to separate at the end of March. We’d been unhappy on and off for years, and I’d finally had enough of his emotionally abusive ways.

He said it came as a complete shock to him, and he didn’t want to separate (turns out he actually meant separate the family, we have 2 kids). He would be happy to just plod on as we were, not happy with each other, not in a loving partnership.
I'm still hopeful of a better life, and don’t want to be stuck here in 10 years time. I refuse to do it anymore.

Anyhow, it’s now August and nothing has changed.
But I guess that’s my fault, as he said he’s not going to move out, and if I want this then it’s up to me to get the house sold etc.

I’m going to try and see a solicitor this week, as I just feel like enough is enough now, and I need to move forward from this shitty stalemate situation.

I’ve been looking at getting somewhere to rent with the kids in the meantime, but I’m not working at the moment and the thought of it all is really scary (having no furniture, even if I can afford the rent!).

Hello everyone - I was on another thread but would like to say hello here too. I've been reading everyone's stories - it's helpful and sometimes comforting to hear the different stages folks are at. I've been with my DH for 11 years and I think we may have reached the end of the road. We've had 2 recent sessions of couples counselling so far, but we've done counselling before in our relationship and part of me just feels so very tired of it all. I feel like saying, "Let's cut to the chase and look at a separate future, we've had the same issues for our entire relationship and it's probably pretty unlikely anything is going to change now." But I'm 53 and I've invested my last 'good decade' in this marriage - the idea of losing everything and starting again alone in a tiny flat somewhere is terrifying. I love my house and my garden - I've worked so hard to make them beautiful. I am on a modest salary. I've got 14 years til retirement age. I've got a teenager heading off to uni in a couple of years. I don't have any family support and my friends are scattered around the world. Some days I feel like I can't stand this awful relationship any longer and I just want to rip off the plaster and move on with my life, which is in some kind of weird limbo. And then other days we get on okay enough, and I feel I'd be mad to do that. I had a very dysfunctional childhood and all I've ever wanted is a secure, loving, friendly home with a nice person that likes me and makes me laugh. I think that desire has made me put up with a lot of shitty relationships over the years, seeking to please others, instead of asking for what I need. But maybe it's just too bloody late to find something good now. But the thought of being alone until I die makes me sad - that could be 30 years or more. But it all feels slightly inevitable at the moment - so maybe I just need to rip off that plaster, and accept that there will be incredibly lonely days, and days where I'm happy not to be dealing with someone else's shit anymore. Anyway, that's a bit of an essay! Maybe some of you can relate. Thanks for inviting me.

I wanted to add my 2p.
Left my home in May which I shared with my fiance, 39, no children and living in a room share now.
He was toxic, verbally and mentally abusive, cheated on me (online sexting), lied to me and I was a doormat and put up with it all until I couldn't anymore and just left one day, no plans to leave - I just saw a room share become available via my sister and I decided enough was enough after one argument where he said it was over between us (because he found out I'd gone to the police about his behaviour and asked for a record to be made in case I ever needed to call them) and then proceeded to bully and ignore me for the next 2 weeks - I asked to talk to him and he just sneered at me and went out.

Next thing he knows, i'm leaving. I miss my house, I miss some aspects of him, I am mostly scared I'll never have kids, scared nobody will ever want to marry me and scared i'll never have the family unit that a lot of people have.

I'm lucky i have a good job and a safe place to live and that's what I keep reminding myself, but I do feel like a massive loser for being in a house share at 39, and i'm very lonely.

@roses321 I just wanted to say that you are strong and brilliant to have done that, he sounds horrendous and you are worth a million times more than that. None of us can see what the future might hold, but no matter what, I guarantee yours is going to be better without him. I wish you all the best for your new life - there will be better times ahead. You're not a loser - this is just the first step.

@implodedlife What you were saying about loneliness really resonated with me. I think that's the thing that scares me most about the future. I too am in my early 50s, and it's not an easy age to start looking for someone else. And actually I think it will take me a good couple of years before I feel anywhere near ready emotionally to think of being with someone else, let alone trusting them. It all makes for a very bleak future prognosis. BUT, and I think this is hugely important to recognise, our futures would be just as lonely, and probably more miserable, if we stayed with our partners. At least by separating we have a cat in hell's chance of future happiness. Still it doesn't take away the terrifying thought of a lonely future. The decision was simple for me as my H left me, so I had no choice in the matter (a hugely distressing couple of months followed that decision). I too have teenage DCs that will soon be off to uni. I'd always dreamed that once they'd gone H and I would travel round the world together - that dream is now dashed. Like you, I have no family support to speak of, but I'm lucky in that I have some very good friends who have been an absolute godsend. My plan is to nurture those friendships and also get out there and try new things, hopefully meet new people and create a fulfilled social life, so I don't feel quite so lonely when I'm at home on my own. I wish you luck in your decision over whether to leave your partner or not. The only advice I can give is for you to imagine yourself in 10 years time still in the marriage.,How does that make you feel? Whatever you decide, there are lovely people on here who will support you. X

Hello all
My story
Found out last September husband was having an Affair with a work colleague
Couldn't leave job due to childcare commitments ( kids 16,10)
Been on and off since me and him

Last two weeks while on holiday he seemed angry and rude again like before I've kept my distance while talking to family (which I hadn't done previously)

then tonight I get a message from the affair partners husband telling me how it's all still been going etc my husband only went back to work today

I'm currently sleeping on the sofa as he refused to get out of the bed as when I found the message it was about 11 pm

I've tried so hard to get past it
He promised it was over and it was just a mistake but I know it's more

I know I deserve better and it will get better and I know I've been waiting for this really but it's still hurts so much

Good morning all. It has been a pretty rough couple of weeks. I'm at a point now where I need to pull myself together and look to the future. Is anyone feeling that the want to prove to their ex that they are going to blow the world away by being fabulous without them? I guess it is a type of revenge in a way. Perhaps it is the lack of sleep talking!

Hugs to all.

@cakeoverexercise - the loneliness is awful and I am worried about this too. I came to the conclusion that living alone inside what was an abusive marriage is far worse. I'm trying to keep myself occupied, and making small plans for the future. I am hoping the fears will ease over time.

Hugs to all.