A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

Welcome to everyone that’s joined, and I’m so sorry you have to be here.

My mindset atm is very much ‘he isn’t sat there crying over me, so I’m not crying over him!’ I’m just getting on with things that make me happy & keeping busy.

I also haven’t told many people, literally parents, sister & 4 friends. I don’t know how to say it out loud to other people. When they ask about H I just kind of skim over it. Maybe I think telling people makes it final.
I didn’t tell many the first time because I wanted it to work out so didn’t have to back track.

The wedding ring is off though!

@cakeoverexercise @Dottie4 virtual hugs to you both! As much as I wouldn’t wish all this on anyone, I have to say I’m so glad we have this avenue (Mumsnet) of ranting and raving and crying! Reading just how many people are in the same or similar situation really does help, although I think it also contributes to my reluctance to ever get out there again! If SO many men behave in virtually identical ways, despite long marriages or relationships, I really don’t think I’m interested! 😧

Remembering the decent side of my H, which is there still, is what’s painful. Unfortunately the less decent side of people only usually shows itself further down the line, when you’re fully invested.

@cakeoverexercise regarding the self absorption, it’s something that I’ve noticed for several years now in my H, but I’m finding these circumstances particularly frustrating. He appears to have an inability to see anything from other people’s point of view, only his own. Also like you, a certain financial security was involved in being together, but that clearly came at a cost - loneliness and an awareness that he would prefer to look elsewhere is a high price to pay emotionally 😞

@Dottie4 thank you for your kind words, I really don’t feel like I’m doing brilliantly. Still living together has been very up and down with a hundred different emotions at different times. It’s actually got harder as times gone on because it’s now fully his house & despite me still being here he’s made several changes, so it’s truly no longer my own beloved home! Many people on here have spoken about having to live together for a time after separating, and how tough it can be. We’ve had times when we’ve eaten together & watched things together, and I’ve thought ‘yes we can do this like grown ups’. But then also times when it’s been more fractious and I’ve felt like an unwelcome intruder in what was once my home! 😞

Sending Thursday wishes and 💐to everyone, and thoughts of onwards & upwards. Oh, and some decent sleep 😴🤞

@AloneAgain2023 Me too! I am so grateful for this strong group of women as everyone's stories and words of advice have gotten me through some really tough times. It is hard to remember there was a decent and loving side to my H that has long since gone. It is a really hard thing to come to terms with. I am still living with my H too indefinitely at the moment until we come up with some sort of plan and it is so hard to be in the same place as them, isn't it?

@cakeoverexercise I hope you managed to get a decent nights' sleep and are doing as well as can be expected!

I too hope everyone has/had a good Thursday and entry into the weekend.

Hi All

ive been really struggling since yesterday (more than usual!) since my husband accepted the divorce. I knew it would hit me hard, and it has. Me and DD have done nothing but argue all day, I know I’m projecting to her and I stopped her going out with her SD tonight as I feel that there’s no loyalty to me, and also I’m wanting to get the house valued at least and she won’t stop crying that she doesn’t want to move. I’ve also got her upset because she doesn’t want us to divorce. And all the time, i’m constantly trying to rationalise everything.

I know i’m being a really shit mum right now, my DD should be my focus but im constantly overwhelmed

@ShylaA040404 it really is so difficult living together still. The odd thing is, at the beginning of all this, it seemed easier. I’m not sure why. Perhaps there was a slight sense of unreality? I remember that we spent more time together in the living room. But over the past few months discoveries have been made (someone else / jewellery purchase), the house has become his and he’s changed things, and therefore I guess the resentment and the rows have grown. I really wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone.

@PotsnPan I’m so sorry things are tough for you in the past 24 hours. Remember that you are enduring a lot, and you can cut yourself some slack. Unfortunately it’s perfectly normal for those closest to you to take some of the brunt, but I can imagine how the arguing with your DD will exacerbate everything.

I know it’s very easy to say as an outsider and I can’t speak from a Mums perspective either, but there are some life events where youngsters have to adapt to some of life’s less pleasant times. In other words, this may be one of the first occasions in her life where she has to put on some ‘big girl pants’! I hope that doesn’t sound too harsh and I don’t know how old she is, but she must understand you are doing the very best you can in incredibly difficult circumstances and you’re having to ‘feel your way along’.

I hope that doesn’t sound too preachy either! 💐

Thank you @AloneAgain2023 and @ShylaA040404 . Sleep is still an issue for me. I can't seem to get more than 3 straight hours at the moment! I'm off on holiday for a couple of weeks but will try and check in when I can as this thread is my refuge at the moment. Hugs to you all. Xx

@PotsnPan I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time and fighting with your daughter. I agree with the other posters, I think that it is probably hard for her to deal with you and your DH divorcing and let's be honest, I think for all children, mine included, it is hard to put their parents feelings before their own. And she is probably used to you taking care of her so it is a big adjustment. I hope that both of you will be able to find your footing in time. In the meantime, try not to be hard on yourself about any of this, I truly know that you are doing the best you can given the extremely hard circumstances and that is all anyone can ask for.

Hello everyone. How are we all today? Having had a reasonable couple of weeks this last week or so has been brutal. I've read posts on MN from others who have escaped abuse and say they felt light and free. I don't feel like that at all. I feel nothing but broken hearted despite knowing this is the right thing to do. I'm sat at my desk trying not to cry. I'm having counselling but I'm not sure it's helping. Perhaps I need a different counsellor.

Hugs to all.

@cakeoverexercise - sorry to hear about your lack of sleep. I'm in the same boat. I've started to listen to a lot of radio on BBC sounds, so even if I'm knackered I am at least well informed!
Lack of sleep is dreadful though. If I find an answer I'll let you know, but I suspect that it's just time. Sending hugs.

@Itisallgoingtobeok sorry it's a hard day. I hope this is ok to suggest, but have you read about trauma bonding? This is one summary but there are lots of others https://www.saferplaces.co.uk/blog/traumabond I wonder if that might be part of what you are experiencing?

I have actually been wondering if I am experiencing something a bit like this too. It seems ridiculous to suggest that my stbxh was abusive, as he really wasn't - but I was quite neglected in the marriage, and I compromised more and more over time about how little I was getting out of it, with my self-esteem shrinking a bit more every time too. I have been wondering if that's part of the reason that I am still finding it so difficult to imagine being apart. (Though maybe that's just what it's like after such a long time together).

This is a very strange coincidence. I went to a bookshop at lunchtime and there was a book about this very topic which I bought to read. It sounds very much like my situation. After such a long time together I think it is only natural that the bond is going to be very deep and very strong even if the relationship was not abusive.

Perhaps we are expecting too much of ourselves too soon.

@harlemriver @Itisallgoingtobeok I've been reading about this concept too. It does explain why, even in an abusive relationship or a relationship that is not abusive per se, but is very damaging, you still have that bonding that is hard to let go of. Sometimes between all the books I have read about passive aggressiveness, co dependency and the like I feel like I could fill shelves!

Like you @harlemriver my relationship was definitely not "abusive" but these past few years it has been full of neglect which is its own type of trauma. Speaking of trauma, I have my second counseling session with my H this afternoon so wish me luck. I dread them but I think its the only way I can have a "say" or a degree of any control with how this separation goes and how we are setting up life with our kids so I plan to keep going unless the harm outweighs the benefits. Although, last week when I was expressing to the therapist that I feel my H has an idealized view of divorce she did tell me that perhaps divorce is not as bad as I think it is, so I probably need all the luck I can get!

Hi, can I join? I've been separated over a year and whist mentally and emotionally I'm doing a lot better I still struggle. I would love some advice re below.

I'm completing the online divorce as a sole applicant. My husband refuses to communicate at all. He is supposedly living at his parents (according to his mother, who lies). He is based there day times Mon to Friday as he works from an office there and always has.

However he spends time at and sleeps at the OW's place, probably at least a few times a week. If this is the case which address should I use for the divorce application? His parents or the OW's?

We separated over a year ago due to his affair, he has been seeing her for 2 years, could be longer. If he is living with her I think it can be taken into account for the finances. We have 2 school age children who he does not see.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Surely this should be getting better than worse? I’m so miserable. Constantly asking myself questions - why did he take a week to reply to my divorce? Why has he cut off all communications - surely if he had no feelings for me then he’d be open to discussing the house, separation, DD etc?

I’m continuously listening to my two tarot readings, both of which say the sane thing - that he has MH problems and I’m to leave him alone to sort himself out and that they can’t say it’s over for good - 2 separate readers, no connection and I only make contact via text and not social media

I’m just desperate for answers and sick of this anxiety

@PotsnPan To me, what you are doing right now is so hard. I think that actually going through the process of filing for divorce is something that can feel very final and so hard. I don't blame you for hanging on to what the tarot readers said. I think all you can do is take it one day, one hour or one minute at a time and try as hard as you can to be kind to yourself. I've often said this whole process is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with (and that probably makes me lucky in terms of the rest of my life) but it really is so truly hard. I'm hoping for you that you are taking care of yourself and that you know you are not alone.

@PotsnPan - I'm sending hugs your way... the not knowing is so hard. I'm trying not to ask the questions as I know I will never get answers. It's not easy though.

@exDHisatwat hello, I am new to this thread but can probably help with your address query as I recently applied for a divorce on as a sole applicant (H initiated split and I was devastated but felt I needed to make the application).

The form asks for both an email and physical address for the respondent (you would be the applicant, and your ex the respondent).

I think that it's not unusual for the applicant to be not absolutely sure of the respondents address. TBH I guess lots of people end up staying with friends or family but not having a specifically permanent address after a separation.

I feel sure that the way things proceed is that after you've completed the form online it will be checked. This takes about 6 weeks. Then it will be sent to your ex and he will be given a deadline to respond. If he doesn't respond there are processes in place to deal with this, including by arranging for papers to be physically served on him.

Wrt him living with a new partner there ate some questions on the Form E which I've been required to complete which ask if you're liking with a new partner, or planning to. There is also a section asking about any new partners' financial situation. I can imagine this is an emotive question for both sides. I have the impression (but I may be wrong) that the main reason for asking this that having a partner who is able to contribute to your living expenses either directly by splitting bills, or indirectly by providing you with somewhere to live can be taken into account especially if there's not enough money or assets to house both spouses.

Hope that helps a bit.

It's a shitty and confusing process and the last thing anyone needs TBH!

Can I join too

I'll be changing my username shortly (I change every 6months or so), but just quickly updating.
H seems to be very much having a midlife crisis - he came home yesterday with his ear pierced because his 14yr old dd dared him to. Like wtf? I am utterly speechless and loosing respect for him every day.
Not because I have an objection to grown men getting piercings - more because his child dared him. Like parent/child boundaries massively blurred. And just doing anything because your dared to is just pathetic imo.

Do you think one day he might suddenly wake up and think wtf have I done over the last year? And regret screwing up our lives?

I honestly don't know what to say to that. That's incredible that he thinks that is an adult way to behave. What did your DD think?

I've given up hoping that my H is going to come to his senses. He just becomes more entrenched in his view of the world.

She my sdd, so he's full on disney dad mode (we used to have her 3 nights a week when she was a toddler but since covid she's not stayed the night and last year her mum moved her 150 miles away so relationship is different). She thought it was hilarious.
When our dc found out they just rolled their eyes, like they just know he's pathetic. Says it all really

@IAmBreathing

Thanks for replying, I've completed the online application and have used the OW's address as he definitely stays there. I have also put his email address so he will be served by email anyway. I am also still devastated about his affair and our marriage break up. I think that's why I'm delaying proceeding to pay on the application. It just seems so final, but I'd rather take control and divorce him than just be stuck in limbo like this.

I'm hoping when he receives the divorce and realises I'm serious he will then start communicating and we can come to an agreement re the finances. Our children want nothing to do with him so it is just the finances we need to agree on. If we end up having to go to court I would hope the fact he has somewhere to live with someone else who is working is taken into account.

That’s incredible but I fully expect my H to do something similar, possibly a tattoo. Like you I think he will come to regret things but too late for that. It’s only been two weeks since I kicked him out for cheating and he was on social media last toasting to a ‘new and different life’. I know I shouldn’t look at his posts but I can’t help it. Hugs all round.

@ShylaA040404 @Itisallgoingtobeok thank you both - I am burning my own head out. I'd asked DD to cut direct contact with him for a while given that he has no respect for me, and it lasted a few days but she was miserable and missing him so she's gone out with him today - the irony is that, as a family lawyer, if my daughter was a minor and he was acting in this way, making out to her that I'm lying and making things up, I'd probably stop contact as it's unfair on her.

My DD is so miserable. When she's returned, she's told me that he is still miserable - I thought him escaping our marriage was the answer to his depression?! She also keeps telling me that she knows that he's 'not right' - a sentiment echoed by my close family and friends. I wish he'd get help.

I have a really good gang of girlfriends, and we've always hung around in couples, my H has become good friends with some of the guys. One of the girls had a BBQ yesterday, me and DD went, actually had a good night. H had gone to a work's function, told my DD that he has 'nothing better to do' (he's said this the last few weekends now) and that it was 'terrible.' DD told him that we'd been the BBQ, had a really good time and that the whole gang were there - I cannot get my head around why he has walked away from what was on the face of it the sort of lifestyle that most people would aspire to at middle age - good wife, loving family, good social life, good friends - again, questions that I'll never get answers to.

And still I hold out hope, although I'm not quite sure what I'm hoping for, as even if he came back, it would never be the same until he addresses his issues.

Is it normal for these thoughts to be on your mind every second of the day?!

Sorry, catching up - I can resonate with marriage not being abusive per se, although he did become verbally abusive at times, and I've just accepted this, passing it off as it being down to his depression but when did we ever stop and think of ourselves and our own sanity?

@ShylaA040404 I would definitely be getting rid of your counsellor - I think I've seen you write elsewhere that this is the hardest thing you've ever been through - snap - and I was left alone pregnant when I was in my early 20s with smoke coming out of the father's heels he ran that quickly - I thought I was hurt then, it was a drop in the ocean to how I'm feeling now. Perhaps though that's a testament to how invested and committed we were to the marriage - no one has the right to tell you that this is going to be easy, has your counsellor been through this herself?