A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@wantittoneober I totally get that! I like that mine will help me strategize b/c I’m also doing couples counseling or as my H likes to put it “end of marriage” counseling so it’s nice to have her to help me with that as well.

@Dottie4 I am so so sorry your husband has put you in this dreadful position. My situation is similar to yours in that we've been together 25 years, 2 kids and H has decided to leave. There could be someone else, that part is unknown as yet. But still the feeling of abandonment is very very raw. It's such a cliche - husband leaves wife after long marriage for younger model. But the cliche doesn't make it any less painful. I wish I could say something to help take away the hurt, but I'm still searching for that myself. I think the answer could be acceptance and time. We have to accept that our ex partners are not the people they were. We have to move on, just as they have. It's certainly not an easy process, but I hope we all get there in the end. Some days I have faith we will, but most days at the moment, I'm not sure. But you're not alone, we're all here to support you. X

Oh @Dottie4 I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It's such a cliche isn't it? Have you read "the script" that men seam to use when they want to break up? It was posted on a thread not long ago.

@PotsnPan I hope you managed to find something nice in yesterday - happy birthday. You have friends here.

@Dottie4 I too am sorry to welcome you to this thread. We are all here to support each other and hopefully you can join in on that part.

I find myself very surprised by the change in my feelings on a day-to-day basis. I do think some of it coincides with therapy sessions, on those days I am usually emotional and sad. Then some days I feel like I will ultimately be okay and am much better without my H around, draining my time and energy with his negativity, constantly taking and not giving a thing in return.

I suppose that is all to be expected but it still shocks me how differently I feel each day. I hope that everyone is having a decent week, and being able to find victories in the little things as they come.

Thank you all for your messages, it really is heartbreaking that we are all here.

@cakeoverexercise I think like you have said it's just so hard to believe that these men are the same people we once knew.

@CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease I will go see if I can find the post with the script on

@ShylaA040404 I am completely the same some days I think this is ok I can do this but to be honest most days I just cry.

I hope we can all find some peace at some point.

@ShylaA040404 time for my evening catch up! I think you and I are definitely on the same page - I would most definitely work on my marriage if my husband asked, I seem to forget all of his issues that actually made me want to end the marriage early last year - I'm also finding more things out about him (nothing too bad, just comments from family and friends about how they found his behaviour odd at times) and I don't know why this just won't sink in that I am most probably better off without this man, and yet I continue to grieve, and imagine that all of us on this thread do, as otherwise we gladly wouldn't be here.

It does provide me with reassurance that you are feeling similar to myself - that the adjustment is massive - so how can these men seem to so gladly readjust to the same life changes that we are having imposed on us?

@harlemriver I read your post re. hypnotherapy with interest - I had hypnotherapy a few years ago for a dog phobia, I didn't think that it had worked at first however, whatever it was that the hypnotherapist did, it sank into my subconscious as for the first time in my 40+ years, I am able to tolerate dogs. So hypnotherapy had crossed my mind, if only to try to stop this obsessive rumination.

Re. the questions to as to whether counselling works - I do not know - all I can say is that I have had counselling, mental health support, a psychologist, even a psychiatrist (ladies, if you feel that you are not getting the correct mental health support, please push for it) and I don't know whether it's made me feel better as I'm still in an awful state 4 months on, but who knows how I'd be if I hadn't had so much help? So my advice is, take all of the help that you can and keep talking

Good evening all, and thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday - unfortunately the day overwhelmed me and I spent most of it in tears BUT did manage to go out with my immediate family last night for a meal and had a really nice night, stole lots of kisses and cuddles from my young niece and nephew and then my daughter got in bed with me last night for the first time in ages and we just chatted crap for ages.

The lack of 'wife' card, the absence of text messages from 'family' members and 'close friends' has really hurt me - I know that reconciliation is extremely unlikely but even more so now as I have known these people for 13 years, and now been cast off as though I'm worthless.

However I did receive cards and flowers from my wonderful friends and family, and 3 cousins even took time to call by despite us never usually getting one another cards - I am so blessed in so many ways, yet hanker after a man who is unable to show love or comfortable with being loved.

It will be a week tomorrow since my husband was served with my divorce application - I'm dreading receiving the notification that he too agrees that our marriage has irretrievably broken down (I filed the divorce to stop him from doing so) but also can't help wondering why, after telling me at every given opportunity over the last few months that he wants a divorce, he hasn't immediately confirmed that he agrees to the divorce - I've checked his email address several times, I've not misspelt it. Again, it's me looking for false hope.

@Dottie4 I am so very sorry that you have had cause to join this thread - I hope that you find some comfort here, it has given myself a lot of support when needed and whilst it won't make my husband return to the good loving man that he once was, not so long ago, that support is most welcome.

Hello and hugs to everyone struggling still 💐

I haven’t posted for a while but always check in. My situation is still static - separated but still living in the ‘former marital now husbands’ house. And it’s getting harder not easier!

Despite me thinking that we were generally rubbing along okay, considering everything, the stbxh is obviously wishing I would hurry up and go. My flat purchase is still ongoing, and there’s obviously not a great deal I can do to make it any quicker! And the more he asks ‘any news yet’, the more stressed he makes me feel, as well as hurt that he can’t wait for me to leave.

I think I’m mainly beyond the upset about the separation now (🤞), in truth I feel glad to be going, but there is still this hurt at his detachment, as if I’m just ‘someone’ who has been staying for a while who he’ll be glad to see the back of! Rather than his wife who he has been with for 18 years! I honestly can’t quite grasp how he can feel that way. If the tables were turned, I would feel compassion for the situation and not want him to feel so isolated or rushed.

I dread coming back each afternoon, and spend the vast majority of my time in the bedroom, trying to stay out of his way and not feel like a nuisance!! Which of course I resent. The stress of buying a property on my own is huge enough without feeling pushed out by someone who should still feel a bit of something for me - which it would appear he doesn’t particularly.

That switch they have is extraordinary - it’s just changed to nothing pretty easily. Naturally he talks about how hard and difficult it is for him that we’re under the same roof! 😧 Self centred doesn’t even begin to cover it. I actually do feel a dislike of him now more & more, the trouble is that brings with it regret that you ever met them, and I really didn’t want to be left with that.

I honestly feel like I’m in some kind of nightmare that I can’t wake up from, and I feel utterly trapped even though there is light at the end of the tunnel.

The real sadness is that I could have dealt with things if I hadn’t been made to feel like such a nuisance just lately when it’s not in my control. 😞

Morning everyone. I hope everyone is doing ok given the circumstances. Yesterday was the first day I didn't sob, so am taking that as progress. Today feels hard again though, but it is going to be up and down.

I'm still really struggling to know what happened to my lovely husband who seems to have been replaced by someone completely different over the last few years. How is that possible? A question I will never get the answer to.

Sending hugs to all.

good morning @Itisallgoingtobeok - Whilst today may be hard again, look at the glimmer of positivity that you had yesterday- there will be more days like that as time moves on and in 12 months time, we will definitely be in different places.

you know that I am at the same loss as you re. how have our lovely caring husbands changed so much - I’ve had this discussion time and again with my professional and personal support and the answer is always the same - you can’t control the actions of another person. And I think it’s so hard to reconcile this with a once loving husband with whom you shared most of life’s decisions.

for my part, I have to believe that my husband is ill - I have known that he’s had problems for years, most of our time together - his behaviour was and remains erratic, he imagines wrongdoing on my part in his head, and is then vitriolic and nasty to me based on his imaginations - I have been accused of all kinds these last months since he left, and also before him leaving - pretending to be ill, pretending to have covid, pretending we’ve got a leak, then when it became clear that there was a leak, accused of sabotaging the pipes. Prior to him leaving, he started an argument with me based on him imagining that I was going to say that he deserved to get cancer (he doesn’t have cancer) together with other outlandish accusations. How on earth was I ever going to win when the basis of his arguments with me weren’t based on any kind of reality?

its for that reason that I can’t get angry with him, and I wish that I could as it may help me accept this

anyway, deep breaths, you can do this - look at how many days you’ve got through already

I just can't seem to look forward to the future with any sense of enjoyment. Split up with my husband a year ago, it wasn't anything dramatic but the culmination of about five years of us drifting apart and communications failing. Separate bedrooms and no sex eventually turned into separate houses. I thought this was what I wanted, as I felt really lonely in the marriage, but I still feel lonely, despite having loads of friends. Don't really feel interested in dating, particularly as all the guys on the dating apps seem to be total bellends looking for a shag. Slim pickings does not begin to describe what's out there! I'm an attractive 48 year old with a good job but men my age largely seem to be weirdos who are single for a reason! I dreamt last night that I got back with my ex, and we're still friendly and I think he does still harbour romantic feelings for me. But I don't want that either. I am dreading my kids leaving home and feeling really negative about it, even though it's a good five to ten years away yet as they are 14 and 12. I'm not a 'helicopter mum' so it worries me how emotionally dependent I am on them at the moment.

I lost my dad last year, and my stepdad (who I am close to) has just been diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. It's been tough splitting and dealing with that. I've been to the doc who said I was depressed but didn't want to give me anti depressants, and I don't want to medicate really anyway. I've had counselling but it hasn't helped (partly because I don't trust counsellors either, a close relative is one and is a total narcissist!) Has anyone got any advice to get me out of the doldrums? I feel really flat and like I just don't know what I want from my life right now.

@PotsnPan This is exactly it for me, the way they seamlessly leave a relationship they have been a part of for so long! Although, I can see that my husband has been completely checked out for the better part of a year or so, depending on how much help or support he needed from me. The one thing that he commented on from our "couples therapy"/"separation therapy" last week that seemed to effect him even a little was my mentioning that he had these feelings he wanted out of our marriage but put them aside and used me and my support for a year to help him start his business because he needed so much help and support. Then, when it was worked through mostly he started up again how he was done with our relationship. But, that comment from him was it. He started by saying he didn't think it was fair I said that, but then admitted it was. He certainly didn't apologize or seem to even feel bad. Again, so weird that they turn off their feelings.

I don't know about you but I am a little jealous about that! I wish I could have less feelings almost at all times. It must be some sort of coping mechanism. I am glad you had your friends/family show you love on your birthday. You deserve that and so much more!

@Itisallgoingtobeok I hear you on this. I keep thinking my old husband is going to come back, and I have not yet been able to accept that he won't. I think at some point hopefully we will all hit the acceptance stage even though it hasn't happened yet. I have hit the point where some days I am still crying at everything and some days I am okay as well. We will get through this together! Sending you support and hope for a decent day!

@ShylaA040404 and @PotsnPan I hope you are both ok today. Thank you for your wise words, they help a great deal. Today has been a struggle. I felt exhausted and managed to get through work but at times thought I might just go to sleep at my desk. The crying seems to have eased off which is a relief. I still can't see a positive future but at least I'm not running out of tissues all the time.

I think someone mentioned below about concentrating on ourselves and I think that's the only way through. I stopped trying to do one nice thing for myself each day and I'm going to start again as I think that helped. Tonight I have dug out an old CD and I'm going to listen to it under a blanket.

Sending hugs to all.

I received notification about an hour ago that my husband accepts my divorce. I am devastated. I only filed it to slow things down and with him not responding for a week, I thought he may have actually not wanted this. I am once again in floods of tears

I'm sorry @PotsnPan , I've been through this in the past week. It is really painful and a very stark statement that our partners are committed to the path they've started. It hurts, so take it easy on yourself and do whatever you think will make you feel a bit better, including staying in bed and crying.

In the first weeks of my divorce discussions I found it helped to tell myself that even divorce isn't final - there is nothing to preclude getting back together in the future if things turned out that way. Now, I don't feel like I would want that anyway. The other thing I have been trying to do is the radical acceptance idea I posted a while ago. I didn't choose what is happening right now but it is happening. It real and fighting reality is impossible. I've been trying to just accept that it is what it is and try not to fall into the bargaining and 'what ifs'. I kept telling myself 'it is what it is and it's over' and that seems to have sunk in for me and helped a bit in coming to terms with the situation. But seeing the gov website notification is very very painful and that is very recent for me too so I do understand a bit of how you are feeling tonight.

@harlemriver that resonates so much. How long did your husband take to respond? If it was a while, did you hold out hope that it wasn’t what he really wanted?

Im not helping myself by hanging on the words of the tarot readers I’ve seen, all of whom have given me the same reading and told me of reconciliation but not for a good while - so if I’m hanging onto their every word, why aren’t I taking on board what they’re saying, if that makes sense

I see those notifications nearly every day in my line of work, I didn’t realise how devastating they are to receive 😞

@PotsnPan @harlemriver I feel for you both regarding the divorce process, I think it’s something that I’m worried about. For me, although I feel I’m getting through it all and accepting the situation, I find that I anticipate things that might trigger upset again. My divorce will be in September, and at times I remember and dread it slightly, mainly the idea that it might send me backwards emotionally.

It was only last night that I posted on here while feeling low but slightly angry, and just wanting to get out of here, as things had turned rather fractious. This afternoon / evening things have been calmer, but I feel oddly sad & hurt again that he doesn’t invite me into the living room to watch something together as we’re both still under the same roof for now. Maybe that sounds a bit pathetic and I’m being unrealistic, but I feel that we could easily do that, with no strings or expectations. So I’m back in my bedroom ‘cell’ wondering why I’m not even worthy of sitting on the sofa with!

@horseyhorsey17 your post resonated with me because that is also a fear of mine - still missing (parts of) the marriage even as the months go on. I keep saying / telling myself that it will feel a little easier when I’m able to move out, which I don’t doubt is true. But also I’m very conscious of the fact that I will miss that partnership / together feeling. Unlike you I don’t have loads of friends - I would even say I’m a bit of a loner, but after spending 18 years with someone, doing things & going places, I know it’s going to be a huge adjustment back into enjoying my own company again.

I too keep thinking that, despite having my own place on the horizon, I can’t necessarily see a happy future ahead. Like you I was lonely in the marriage for such a long time, but I’m fearful that I’m going to continue being lonely forever more. While I certainly wouldn’t want my husband back, I wish this wasn’t the journey that I’ve been put on.

You’ve had to deal with loss and family illness alongside this, it’s a huge amount to deal with. Although ADs are not for everyone, I had cause to take them about 20 odd years ago, and they were a lifesaver! I only took them for about a year, they just got me ‘over the hump’.

I wish I had something revolutionary to say to help you get out of the doldrums and stop you feeling so flat. From everything I read, even in the first 1, 2 or 3 years after divorce, people can still be surprised by feelings of sadness and pain, even when they assume that part has passed. 💐

@PotsnPan I'm so sorry too. I understand how impossibly hard it is to deal with and I hope that you slog through all of this as best you can. As a fellow not ready to accept my own reality person, I totally understand where you are coming from. I don't quite understand the divorce process you all have vs. what we have here in the states, but I'm just so sorry you are having to go through this at all.

@harlemriver I too am trying my hand at this radical acceptance idea coupled with not focusing on what my H is saying, but what he is showing me with his actions instead. This is very hard but I hope what will ultimately get through this. I definitely have not passed the bargaining stage and I recognize that this line of thinking gets me no where, but I can't stop it all the way quite yet. We have another meeting with the "couples therapist" on Friday and I am dreading it again. I feel like she sort of picked on me last time in that she challenged only my perceptions and was very understanding of my H and I want to be able to control my emotions better to stand up to her but I just don't have as much practice as he does. He has been in therapy literally his entire adult life and is very good with therapists and I am not as well spoken in the first place.

@PotsnPan in my case, my stbxh started the application. I told him that I wanted him to instigate it but he is incredibly disorganised usually and lets things sit for weeks/months/years. Imagine my shock when he did it within 24 hours! I responded on the same day and he immediately processed the application and fee. I gave in and called him to say wtf was he doing and why was he being so cold. he was apologetic and said he thought it was what I wanted etc etc - but he had also searched for financial mediation and is very keen to set the appointment up for that too. Basically he is pushing for this to be done as quickly as possible. And yes that hurts incredibly.

I think my way of coping is forward motion and an absolute refusal to look into the abyss: I just refuse to consider that the future won't be ok for me. I refuse to think about being sad and lonely, and have been planning ways to build community through volunteering and other things. I focus on all the things that will make me happy, and all the things that annoy me about the stbxh.

But there is a big abyss out there right now, if I let myself peer into it. My job is insecure. I don't have a place to live yet and can't find a suitable rental. And although it's a bit humiliating to admit, I don't really have friends for support either - I've moved around a lot in my life and have lots of acquaintances but no real deep friends that I can turn to in the city that I now live in.

If I think too far ahead it is terrifying so I'm basically refusing to look at it. I've set a horizon of six months and am only thinking that far ahead for now. Like : find a place to live. Keep my job and try to position myself to find a new one. Focus on mental and physical health.

I am also finally finding my anger with my husband for leaving me in the lurch like this and not caring what happens to me. He has properly fucked up my life and he really doesn't care. One gem from our most recent conversation when I was asking him yet again to explain why he wanted to leave (while he was still trying to deny the central role of the OW) was that he said he thought it would be "easier to start again with someone else" than try to fix our relationship. It's like he doesn't remember I am a person at all.

And while that hurts like mad, it's the future that counts now. And he has already taken so much from me and my life that I absolutely refuse to let him dominate my future too. @horseyhorsey17 your post struck home for me too as the 'what if' it's not better on the other side. I don't know how to advise from this side of the fence but if your gp is suggesting ADs I would try them. I would also try the kinds of things that are usually suggested : if your life is feeling blah and hopeless, do you know what you would ideally want your life to look like? Can you think about a vision of your life that makes you feel happy and inspired and then can you think of baby steps to get from here to there? This probably won't help if I say it but it sounds like you have a lot of positives in your life with loads of friends and children. Maybe the ADs will help give the kickstart that can move towards recognising waht you still have in your life and helping you get to where you want to be when your kids leave home.

@harlemriver Snap to much of what you’re saying! Abyss is a great word for how the future looks - I’m self employed (little cleaning business) so also insecure in as much as it can be precarious, so I’m pretty nervous about that once I’m living alone.

Like you I don’t have a circle of friends (one or two), it’s bizarre how often I have a split second thought that I’ll confide in husband about how I’m feeling, before remembering that I can’t and it’s down to him I’m feeling this way!! Those momentary forgetful nanoseconds are very odd!

And I also have many moments of being so angry at him and the situation, particularly as he’s generally defiant and adamant that he’s not to blame for it all! 😠 The level of arrogance, self absorption, and entitlement is sometimes breathtaking! I still struggle with this idea that they can just view you as someone they know, rather than someone they were married to and had a strong bond with for a period of time. The speed of that change has shocked me - as you said, it’s as if they forget you are a person with feelings!

Going forward, although I’m anticipating a degree of loneliness, I truly can’t imagine wanting to date again. Which means that I’ll probably never get to experience the enjoyment of that togetherness and that partnership feeling again, and that makes me sad 😞.

Off now to another poor night’s sleep. I hope some of you have more success in that area!

@AloneAgain2023 So much of your post resonates with me as does @harlemriver I've been having those nanoseconds of thinking 'I must talk to H about that' about something, only to realise he's the reason I need to talk about it in the first place! It's a very disconcerting feeling isn't it? And just brings home the stark reality of not having anyone in your life that really truly cares.

I totally agree with the staggering degree of selfishness and self-absorption on the part of H. That's been the worst thing about it all actually, seeing the person I thought I knew turn into a callous unkind stranger. It's very much like grieving for them as if they've died, but worse because they're still there in front of you!

The word abyss really strikes a chord with me too. But In my more positive moments I can see that I will actually be happier without H, as I was only really living half a life with him. Yes, I had financial security and stability (not to be sneezed at) but there was no intimacy of any kind, either emotional or physical, and that was a very very lonely place to be in.

I too am off for another night's poor sleep. I find myself waking at 5am at the moment and being unable to get back to sleep. So frustrating and exhausting!

Everything you ladies write is completely how I feel. I just don't understand how this man I loved so much just doesn't care anymore he is completely different. How did I not see this side to him when we were together it makes no sense.

I also have no interest in ever meeting anybody else. Even with the children here all the time trying their best to support me I feel the future looks pretty lonely.

None of us have filed for divorce yet. I think he's just to lazy to do it and I am clinging to the hope he will come back. Which I am so completely confused about, I mean he's with somebody else. I just feel so stupid that I would even consider a life with him still.

@PotsnPan I am so sorry you are here and going through this. I understand about you thinking he could be reconsidering a reconciliation with him taking a week to respond to the divorce. I would be the same I don't get why we do it to ourselves.

@horseyhorsey17 I have also considered taking AD. I feel like I just need something to help me through this. I feel worse now than I did at the start. He on the other hand just seems to go from strength to strength.

@AloneAgain2023 you are doing brilliantly to be going through this and still living in the same house.

I hope you all find something to smile about today.