A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@Itisallgoingtobeok just let yourself cry. Let yourself feel all the emotions. It is a bad day, but that's okay, tomorrow will be a better one, and the next one even better, but then one day you will have another shitty one but that too will pass. Allow yourself to mourn your relationship, it really will all be okay in the end. We've all just got to get through this really shitty phase first. I find journalling really therapeutic. Even if it's just writing a list of all the little things your "h" used to do that annoyed you. It really does help.

@PotsnPan you sounds like you are getting so much stronger I feel so proud of you, well done. You've got this lovely, just one day at a time (or even just one minute at a time - 24hrs is a long time when going through heartbreak)

So many new faces here as well, I'm so sorry you've had to join our club. Welcome though, it really is a wonderful to place to rant, moan and cry when those irl just don't want to hear it no more. Hugs to all

@CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease - thank you. Yesterday was truly awful. I'm hoping today might be a little better. Im going to try and find a small bright spot somewhere today and cling to that.
Hugs to all.

I'm sitting here mulling over everything that has happened. I think H is having some sort of major midlife crisis. He seems to want to re-live his teenage years but without me. I was never convinced of the male midlife crisis. Now I'm not so sure. He wants a fast car, to stay out late and get drunk all the time. I am now wondering whether there is another woman somewhere, possibly not physically, but emotionally.

I've also just given myself a kick up the backside and a stern talking to. I am not a pathetic person who can't cope. I can do this and I will do this. I'm under no illusion that it will be hard, but I will come out of this better, stronger and happier. I might stick that to the fridge!

Hugs to all.

I always remember the quote:
"Just remember you have survived 100% of your worst days"
You will survive this too, even when it feels absolutely crushing and that you can't even breathe, you will get through and come out stronger for it.

I said to my dd I reckon H is having some form of midlife crisis as he has had such a personality change since starting his new hobby 7months ago. All he wants to do is act like a drunk teenager, it's so cringe, and I've lost so much respect for him over it. One of the hardest things was that I married dh because I thought he would be a good role model for my dc, and he was but he really isn't anymore. And now I worry that my sons will think the way he is behaving to us, his family, is acceptable. How could he do this to us? How can he be so selfish and shortsighted?

I recognise that personality change. It's a complete 180 degree turn. Unfortunately it became abusive as well as cringy.

Do the men that have these crises return back to their original selves or is it a permanent change I wonder?

@CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease @Itisallgoingtobeok I feel the same way re: midlife crisis. What’s funny is my dad went through a midlife crisis and we joked about it during, we called it the “MLC” and he mainly wanted to go out with my parents younger friends and drive a fast car. I was a teenager but I don’t remember him wanted to abandon his family…maybe he did and my parents protected me from that. However, eventually, he went back to his normal self. And my dads crisis was precipitated by a lot of tragedy in his life in a short period of time.

My H will admit he may be having a midlife crisis. But he doesn’t care what the consequences are. It is very juvenile behavior in my opinion. It’s the “I don’t care who this hurts I’m going to do what I want” attitude that gets me. I’d feel better if the destruction was admitted or acknowledged. I think someone said to me recently about how men/people can be going through a crisis but they still have to be ultimately responsible for their actions. So, maybe they will change back and I hope for their sakes they do but they have to be held responsible.

all that to say I hope you ladies are having a better day today, weekends can be so hard for me so I hope everyone is doing as well as they can. Sending hugs!

Hello ladies, I haven't posted for a while but have been reading your updates. I'm sorry to hear about the hard times you've been having.

The last time I was here I said I thought we were still in the trying-to-make-it-work phase, but I think that's over. He's totally withdrawn, basically not speaking to me or making eye contact. I can't see how we get past this because I am slowly (finally!) coming to the realisation that I deserve better than this, despite having taken the blame for everything for months/years. Even if he changed his mind now, he still chose to behave like this, even if he does justify it later with a load of therapy speak about distancing himself to protect himself. Maybe part of that is true, but maybe he's also a prick.

I have some time alone at home and am overwhelmingly sad about our children and the impact it will have on them, but am also thinking about where key documents might be...

@Itisallgoingtobeok I'm just catching up, please don't apologise for feeling sorry for yourself, as for me, this is the hardest thing that I've ever been through and I know that you are as devastated as I am. I could have written your post - my husband has been so verbally abusive and became a little physical before he left but I am desperately missing the man that he was and not who he became - I miss our life, I hate being 'single' all of a sudden. It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm just sat here sobbing and feeling overwhelmed. Hope you're feeling better today, from talking to other women who've been where we are, we will definitely get through this

Evening All - can I have a handhold please? It's my birthday tomorrow but I've never felt so lonely.

I am so fed up of feeling so very sad all the time, of turning over in my mind how our marriage went wrong, I am constantly blaming it on what I believe to be his mental health crisis. I saw a life coach yesterday and I told her the background to my separation, she told me that she thinks that my husband is ill. I also saw a psychiatrist on Monday, and he said the same thing about my husband. Obviously they haven't met him but it gave me some reassurance to know that there may be a reason for this.

I can't be bothered doing any housework, I don't see the point, and I have never lived in squalor before. I should be excited for my daughter to return from holiday later but I know that the anxiety will return as she remains in contact with her stepdad and I struggle to restrain myself from asking about him.

And I'm obsessively listening to the recordings that I've had from 2 different tarot readers, both of whom told me the same (that husband and I would reconcile in the future) and with whom I pulled exactly the same cards - these women don't know one another and I didn't give anything away. Both of them have also said that my husband is suffering from MH issues.

I shouldn't want him back, he has not treated me well and now he refuses to speak to me altogether and has blocked me - I do not deserve that, I have been a good loyal and faithful wife.

When will this heartache and sorrow start to life? It's over 4 months now. My dad has just shouted at me for getting upset, telling me that I 'need to get over it' however the life coach told me yesterday that 4 months was nothing and that I have basically experienced a death.

Sorry for the long post, I just needed to sound off with women in the same position. I am so very sorry that we are all having to go through this.

@NewPhase23 I am totally on the same wavelength as you. I have to remind myself at all times that my H has complete control over how he speaks to me and how he treats me. And, he acts like he doesn't. He snaps at me about completely unreasonable things and does not offer me anything in return for all of the time, effort and support I give him. I ask myself why I want to continue to live like this, I really should not.

@PotsnPan - I'm so sorry you are having a bad time... here is a huge handhold and a massive hug.
I don't have any advice I'm afraid as I feel the same way you do. I've decided the easiest way to get through it is to feel whatever I feel. For your birthday tomorrow I know many people would say treat yourself, get your nails done or similar... I wonder if at this point treating yourself really means be kind to yourself and if you want to hide under a duvet all day then do that.
Sending hugs.

@PotsnPan I'm wishing you a happy birthday! I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I don't think it is up to other people to tell us the appropriate time to grieve a relationship. I am glad you are seeing a therapist and life coach, and I hope that they can offer you some help. I too have spent time with my therapist talking about my H and what is wrong with him and how he feels. Something I have written on my list to talk to her about next week is to try to make a conscious effort to make my session about me and not him.

On the one hand, I am not ready to move past my marriage. If my H came to me today and said he wanted to get back together and work on things, I would accept as long as he was willing to work on his end. There is no doubt about that. At the same time, I try to tell myself the best way forward is to focus on what I can do, not on my H. This is so very difficult for me and I am trying to give myself grace and just do what I can, and I hope you can do the same.

I feel as though all of us are so hard on ourselves and we do feel some timeline to be "over" a marriage, which is very much like a death. I hope you can just extend yourself some kindness and grace and focus on taking care of yourself and not worry about anyone else's timeline for how long it should take you to get past this.

All that to say, I hear you and I completely understand. And, I am trying to be okay with feeling two ways at the same time. I, like you, can feel that we don't deserve to be treated this way but also desperately want our marriages back the way they were. The truth is, for a lot of us here, these announcements from our husbands have completely rocked our world view. We have spent years and sometimes decades thinking our world was one way, i.e. we would be together forever and get through anything together, and that bedrock has been shifted. I don't think it is unreasonable to take time to get adjusted to that shift. I certainly have not adjusted to it yet.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow and as good of a birthday as possible considering the toughness of what you are going through.

Thanks @Itisallgoingtobeok - I've spent a lot of time under the duvet today, and then I got sad because I'm in our bed. He could be out doing all kinds and I wouldn't know. I am hoping that he is having a difficult time too, he's living with his mum who is very hard work and has caused a lot of his problems, which have then had an impact on him and our marriage. And that is the only way that I can reason this.

It will be so sad tomorrow not getting cards to wife, daughter in law, sister in law etc - I haven't done anything to his family whatsoever but they've just cast me off like I'm subhuman - that's how they make me feel.

I went out with friends last night and posted a nice picture on Facebook - his friend's wife has commented saying how lovely I look and that she is wishing me a lovely birthday - it's set my head wondering whether his friends are also at a loss as to the way that he's acting.

And all the while, I've got the tarot woman's words in my head, giving me timescales for when it will all work itself out - am I pathetic for clinging to this? Her reviews on Facebook are amazing, and I knew people return to her as she is so accurate. Any port in a storm isn't it.

How you feeling today? I hope you are feeling a little better x

I agree with lots of what others have said so far - that our world view has been shaken to the core, and dealing with that is going to take time, and the length of time will not be the same for everyone. But I wanted to mention something that has been really helping me, which is hypnotherapy. I've not mentioned it on this thread before because I didn't want to suggest that the solution is to be hypnotised into a different train of thought!

In my case, the hypnotherapy doesn't talk about my relationship specifically. It focuses on my self-esteem and confidence, both of which have been pretty low, and on reassuring me that I am capable of dealing with whatever happens in my future. Apparently, hypnotherapy is most effective when there is a conflict between our intellectual understanding of a situation and our inner/subconscious feelings. That was definitely where I was stuck for some months (and can still get stuck) - rationally understanding that this marriage probably wasn't good for me, but emotionally still completely unable to imagine ending it or being outside it.

I actually didn't initially seek out hypnotherapy for divorce/relationship issues. I was having panic/anxiety attacks a few months ago in a very specific situation and thought hypnotherapy would help. The therapist I went to does both talking therapy & hypnotherapy. When she started asking questions, it became clear that the state of my marriage was a huge part of my mental stress and turmoil. We started talking around that, and she has been the counsellor I've been seeing through this.

Most of the sessions have been talking therapy rather than hypnotherapy, but every time we've done a hypnotherapy session it has felt like it really helped shift something that was blocking me. As I said, it's definitely not been about being hypnotised not to think about my h/ex-h, or anything like that. It's just been about addressing my confidence and self-esteem -but that has reduced a lot of my fear about the future and my willingness to go back into a relationship where I've felt neglected. I feel like it has given me a lot of strength and clarity that might have taken much longer if I'd just waited for it to come organically.

Anyway, I'm definitely not encouraging anyone to try hypnotherapy if they don't think it sounds appropriate for them - but I feel a bit like I've inadvertently found a coping-with-divorce superpower and that maybe I should share how it has helped me!

I hope I've not killed the thread with my hypnotherapy suggestion! Also, @PotsnPan I forgot to wish you a happy birthday yesterday. The big dates are hard. I hope today is a better day for you.

Hi all, I hope you don't mind me joining this thread. I have read through it from the beginning over the last 12 hours or so (haven't slept much).

I am 42 and have a 2 year old. Last night my partner of 7 years told me he wanted to separate - pending full breakup. It's been a rocky six months, but it was still a massive shock to me. I have cried all night, barely slept and cried this morning until my daughter woke and I had to try and put on a happy face.

Like is the case for some of you, he has done this before. We met in early 2016 and were together for about 18 months when he broke up with me in 2017, as I wanted children and he didn't (he has two older children from his marriage). We were split up for four months and I desperately tried to move on - and had looked into fertility treatment with donor sperm. We then reconciled in Jan 2018 and he said he was sorry, he missed me and he did want another child.

We had a long and stressful journey to get pregnant - tried naturally, but then ended up needing IVF (unexplained fertility on my part) and had a miscarriage before I got pregnant with my daughter. We both found the miscarriage - and the fertility journey - very hard.

Since I gave birth in April 2021, he thinks that the relationship hasn't been right. Honestly I feel like I was so sleep deprived and oblivious through the first part of that period that I can't actually remember what our relationship was like - we were just surviving, but isn't that what all parents do in the early days? But he has said for a while now he is not happy.

In Feb/March he said he wanted a break, but it was hard to organise as we have no family to help with childcare and he works shifts as a firefighter and I have to travel into London for work sometimes (leaving v early and back late) so we are conjoined re looking after my daughter and divvying up the nursery drop offs and pick ups. He did leave for a bit, and March was horrific as he weighed up whether to stay or not. On Mothers Day he came home and said he wanted to stay and give things another go.

Things have come to a head over the last 10 days as we have three embryos in the freezer at the fertility clinic and I suddenly had an overwhelming want to give my daughter a sibling. So I asked him about he - he is a hard no. He doesn't want any more children. We have had some terrible rows about it.

It is hard for me to type this because I am stuck in denial I think, but he said last night that he thinks it is the relationship that is making him unhappy. He says he can't give me what I need, he doesn't want to get married (I would like to), he doesn't want any more children (I would try for another - only for my daughter, didn't enough pregnancy or early days). He said he wants to go, and is going to see if he can stay with a friend. Like so many have said, he seemed almost blaze about it at time - "yes it's sad, but it'll all be ok" whilst I sobbed and sunk to the kitchen floor.

He has been sleeping on the sofa for the last 10 days, barely speaking to me, if he does he is short, curt, like he dislikes me. Like others have said, I think he is struggling with his MH, and has been for a while, he is on AD, but he doesn't want to see a therapist. I organised couples counselling, we went 2-3 times and then he said he didn't want to go anymore. I think I have to try and accept that it is me that he doesn't want, that doesn't make him happy. But how the hell am I meant to do that? I am utterly bereft.

So sorry for the length - am desperately trying to make sense of things.

@returnofthevmac Welcome! So sorry you've had to join us. It's sounds like you've had a terribly hard struggle over the last couple of years. We all have different stories on this thread, but the thing we all seem to have in common is the utter disbelief we feel at how cold and callous our partners become once they've made the decision to leave. It seems a tried and tested route, particularly for men, I'm afraid. We seem to be left in bits on the floor while they just carry on regardless. It's terribly hard to come to terms with and accept, and I suppose only time and distance will help. Im about 6 weeks into my separation from my H of 20-odd years and still have days when I don't feel I can go on and the future feels very very bleak. But Im clinging to the hope that this awful period will pass and at some point I'll start to feel better. Again, im just so sorry you've had to join, but I do know you'll get lots of support and sympathetic ears on here when you're at your lowest, so hang on in there, cos you're not alone. X

Happy Birthday @PotsnPan 🥳🎂🎁

Hopefully it is the moment of a fresh new start for you.

(Not caught up on the thread since yesterday so sorry if I've missed an update, but just wanted to come and wish you a wonderful birthday)

For those who have had counselling does it really help. I mean I talk about my feelings and it's nice to let it out but it doesn't change anything. I don't know what I was expecting really

Hi, can a please join your thread.
I haven’t posted on mumsnet for a while but I am struggling and don’t really know where to turn.
I separated from my husband 4 months ago we have 4 children and we were together for 30 years.
He is now with someone else it took him 7 weeks, in all honesty I think he was already with her. We no longer speak, my older children are refusing to see him. I cry every single day, don’t sleep and hardly eat. I don’t know how to deal with this amount of hurt. I would appreciate any advice anyone can give me.

@wantittoneober are you talking about personal counseling? I just started two weeks ago and I do find that I am getting a lot out of it. I specifically signed up with someone who is also a marriage and family therapist so she has a lot of history helping individuals and couples going through hard times and divorces. For me, I often joke a wall would make a good therapist because it is a safe space to get my feelings out. I think counseling is something where you have to find the right fit for you, otherwise it seems useless but that is just my personal experience.

@ShylaA040404 yes personal counselling. I mean it feels good to talk about how I am feeling and let it out but I don't feel like it's changed how I feel at all

@Dottie4 I am a bit different as it was my boyfriend who left me and is now expecting a baby with her. I don't have years of marriage behind me but I know that sick hurt feeling you talk about. It's been going on for me for 7 months now. I think being left for someone else is the worst possibility breakup. Big hugs to you

@wantittoneober It hasn't changed how I feel yet but right now I am not expecting it to. I plan on making a point this week to work on myself not just discussing my husband, which is very hard for me. I will have to let you know if that part works for working through my feelings and changing them, but I don't know. I think for me probably only time and adjusting to my new reality will change (maybe?) how I feel. I don't have high hopes for that to happen any time soon to me though...

@ShylaA040404 thank you, yes let me know . I mean the counsellor has started to say now I have to work on me and what makes me happy which I don't know the answer to but I feel like it's just the same as talking to an expensive friend lol I