A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

Hello @MrsChicken89 and @babygirl88 I'm sorry that you are also experiencing this shock. My ex-h has also been doing the 'I don't know' and 'I'm confused' and 'I don't know what I feel' and yes, it does seem to mean that they know they want to leave but don't want to take responsibility for the decision. Agree with @cakeoverexercise that it is weak and selfish, but those are character traits that seem to be uppermost in these situations!

I've taken another hit today as my h/ex-h has started the joint divorce application already. This is someone who in normal circumstances needs to be endlessly reminded to complete administrative things or do anything that I have asked him to do. There could be no clearer message that he wants this marriage to end as quickly as possible. I asked him to instigate the application when we talked on Tuesday night, largely to test his resolve. I also asked him to transfer some money to me so that I have a buffer for costs like a deposit for a new rental property etc. Guess which he hasn't done!

It's just so painful - I got the autonotification about the divorce application from the govt website but there has been nothing at all from him to acknowledge the years we have spent together. And he evidently doesn't care if I will be financially ok, now and presumably in the future. He has totally checked out and moved on and I just can't understand how that is possible. As so many of you on this thread have said already, where is the person I married and thought I was married to? How can they have turned off all their feelings for us so completely?

@harlemriver sorry to hear he’s jumped straight in to the divorce papers.

Funny you should say about having their feelings fully turned off. My MIL was round before and we were talking about how he acts with no emotion, when he was telling me he was leaving he was talking to me like someone he worked with, like he was in a business meeting, not his wife of 10 years!
I actually laughed at one point with the words he was using.

She’s had words with him and said things like ‘you know your marriage is over?’ And apparently all he does is either shrug or tell her to stop having a go.

I’ve done the sums and I can take over the mortgage in my name only and take on all the bills. I’m just hoping we can hang on a bit till the interest rates come down a bit.

@harlemriver - that sounds very hard, when they want something they really seem to be able to manage admin perfectly well don't they? I hope you are doing OK all things considered.

I have had another horrible couple of days. I am really feeling the emotional and physical pain at the moment. It hasn't helped that someone has sent me a video of H thoroughly enjoying himself out on the town. I left because of abuse, so I am not sure why this hurts so much, but it does. I guess he is already looking for his next target. It's hard to throw away a couple of decades of relationship though...

@harlemriver That is so tough, I'm so sorry. I suppose these are the bumps in the road we're going to hit along the way. Just ride out those gut-wrenching emotions and think of the silver lining which is that the quicker your ex does the admin the quicker this will all be over. Easier said than done!
I'm having a terribly down day today as well. All positivity about the future has left the building. All I can feel at the moment is the pain of what I've lost. Not really sure how to drag myself out of this hole.
@babygirl88 Im so sorry you've had to join us. I agree about the lack of contact being extremely painful. It just seems incredible that they can go from all to nothing seemingly overnight. I've been with my H for 25 years and since the decision to split about 5 weeks ago, he doesn't contact me at all when he's away (which is most of the week now). It's incredibly painful, after years of speaking every single day. It completely taints the whole of the last 2 decades. It's all very raw for you still so just do whatever you need to to get through.

@MrsChicken89 Your husband sounding emotionless/not seeming to grasp the gravity of what is happening - that's exactly the feeling I've had from minein recent weeks. At one point he said something like, 'ah, we've had a lot of good times' and his tone of voice was as though he was talking to somebody he once knew, a long time ago in the dim and distant past. Not his partner of 18 years! I keep saying this but it is so odd that something that feels unique and distinctive and individual is apparently just standard-issue checked-out husband.

@harlemriver @cakeoverexercise @MrsChicken89 This is exactly what is happening in my situation too. It is weird because like all of you said, it is not just a disconnection with me or our marriage or even our family but also every day life, it is about work matters, his own parents, all of that stuff. I wonder why that is? I am so sorry all of us are going through this as it is so hard. I think my H could divorce me tomorrow and never see me or the kids again and it would not effect him. He event old me earlier his life is falling apart so he wants to let everything go and start over. That is the weirdest part.

My H and I just finished with an appointment with the counsellor my husband suggested. It wasn't the complete disaster I was expecting and I did not hear anything surprising so I do feel relief in that, even if there was nothing positive said by my husband. I do think she will be helpful as it will be good to have someone to help us plan things and deal with the kids and she is meeting us at the same time so she isn't necessarily only serving his interests, although I definitely still don't want this. I think it is probably better to take the control I can though. I literally cry almost the entire time with this joint therapy session and with my pesonal therapist, I've never cried so much in front of strangers in my life!

Hope everyone is staying strong. My eyes hurt from crying so I hope I will get a break for the rest of the day...

@cakeoverexercise Just wanted to add I am sorry you are having such a hard day. I find it hard to come out of this misery just like you. Having had met with my own counsellor yesterday and together with H today is also emotionally exhausting. Don't you wish we could just fast forward six months in time and be (hopefully) farther along in this process? I keep getting bogged down in the details when I really need to only focus on me and how to make myself happy. I feel like I KNOW what to do, it is just so hard to keep the focus off of the things I cannot control and on the things I can, you know?

@ShylaA040404 good evening, thank you for your post - it is so sad that we are finding ourselves in such similar positions but I know for myself (probably selfishly) I think it helps us all on this thread to know that we're not alone in this misery. My husband also has long-standing childhood issues but now that he's back living with his mum, it seems that once again, the family secrets that he was building up to confront with her have been swept under the carpet (probably for good this time) and I am the immortal enemy - I asked him for a civil conversation the other night (via my dad's phone, as he's blocked me) and his immediate response was that no, we couldn't, that he didn't want to speak with me and then his mum, to whom I have always had a decent enough relationship and surely should be ashamed for the chaos her son has caused, starts shouting in the background 'what does SHE want, put the phone down on her' - I'm told that all is very well with his mum now, but her reaction would suggest otherwise and I don't deserve to be treated like this after 13 years.

Always hear to lend a listening ear - we WILL get through this, I don't know how and I don't know when but we definitely will. Please look after yourself and your little ones x

@harlemriver your words are put so eloquently, you have have my utmost admiration for how you dealing with this.

I've read your other post about your husband filing the divorce - you may recall that I'm a family law practitioner so I can tell you that it will probably take around 12 days to be issued.

And that brings me onto my own position - I too have filed my own divorce and it was issued yesterday morning - Husband still to acknowledge it. I'm crying as I write those words - this is not what I want at all but I've had to do it for 3 reasons (as discussed with my mental health team today):-

1. To take back some control after he surprised me with a mediation letter the other week when I was in the middle of a mental health crisis;
2. To slow the divorce down - I am still having trouble accepting that my marriage is over and so I want to afford him time to see if anything changes (yes I know I'm deluded);
3. Even if nothing changes, I can progress the divorce at a pace that suits me and my mental health - I have prioritised my husband and his mental difficulties for many years now, if not the majority of our relationship and it's time that I started to focus on myself, as hard as I'm finding that to do.

I've also adopted a new approach - just ignoring him, the way that he is so easily pretending that I don't exist. At the weekend when I had to speak to him about an issue with the house, he once again kept telling me that it was over and I managed (for the first time in a long while) to stay calm and just kept bringing the subject back to our burst pipe. On Monday, he picked our daughter up to take her to the airport, and I went outside with her to see her off, and whereas previously I'd try to talk to him, I just got in my car and drove off (I'm staying at my mum's house this week) - completely ignored him. He asked my daughter where I was going (I was in my pyjamas, where else would I be going) - he doesn't usually ask after me.

And then yesterday afternoon, after he would have opened his emails to a notice that my divorce had been issued (I don't think he thought I was going to do it), he's sent me an email last night about fixing the leaks in the house - whereas I have sent him lengthy emails asking for answers and begging for reconciliation (yes I've begged!), I've read it, and deleted it - can't be arsed.

I've been assessed as having an acute trauma response/possible extending into PTSD due to me coping with his mental health behaviour all of these years, the messing me around for 7 months before he left and the abrupt and callous way in which he left me (still telling me that he loved me, then went out of the house and rang me to say that he didn't love me and was leaving). I feel content to have a diagnosis as I now know that I am not 'ill' as such and that I can and will be fixed. I'm working with various professionals and holistic therapists.

However this didn't stop me sobbing tonight as I ridiculously still love this man, and I am mourning the loss of the loving home and caring and supportive relationship that we had for the majority of the time. I am making excuses for his behaviour but I am desperate to know how this man has changed into what he has become.

Apologies for long post - just wanted to get the above off of my chest.

We've got this ladies - we may not feel like that right now, but we have definitely got it x

@MrsChicken89 I share your frustration - I've been constantly trying to work out now for 4 months as to how my husband can just suddenly stop loving me after insisting that he still did right up until he left - it's easier said than done but please take care of yourself as I have made myself quite ill with rumination and trying to work out what's going on in someone else's mind when I don't actually think that he knows what's going on in there himself.

@babygirl88 so sorry that you are having to join this thread but a warm welcome and hopefully you will get some insight and support and know that you are not alone. I've not done the 'not showering' thing but can't be arsed with the housework, and it looks like a pigsty, and I simply could not give one fuck - my husband is at his mum's house, he doesn't have to deal with any real adulting so I'm not bothered if the house goes to ruin at the moment. Look after yourself and just do whatever you can do for yourself. My relationship was 13 years, and I don't have a clue how someone can change into such a vile stranger after sharing almost every single day with one another. Sending you big hugs - we will get there

@ShylaA040404 I've just read your last 2 posts - I had a better day yesterday and thought I was on the mend but again today, woke up with anxiety attacks after opening husband's email last night and then dreaming about him all night - I've been to yoga this evening and started crying at the end. You're completely right about crying in front of strangers - do you also have friends and family to lean on? Mine have been a Godsend.

Crying is healing, apparently - the tears that I've cried and continue to do would be enough to heal the entire world!

@ShylaA040404 Thank you, it really has been a tough day emotionally for me. I agree, it would be wonderful to be able to bypass this awful phase and skip ahead to a year from now (maybe it will need to be more??) when we no longer have such intense devastating feelings. Today, I just really really missed H, or rather the H I remember from a few years back. I physically ached for him and just felt so so lonely. But I'm hoping time will ease that longing and pain. Im so exhausted with feeling sad all the time. I can't remember what it's like to be carefree and only have to worry about what to get the kids for dinner. Those days seem like a lifetime ago. But we will get through this. It'll be a struggle but the light at the end of the tunnel is there somewhere.

@PotsnPan I'm so sorry for the struggle you're going through. But it sounds like you're taking small steps to getting your head round things, and that's all you need to do right now. I don't think you can underestimate the trauma you (and we all) have been through. It is very much akin to someone dying, except not as straightforward. Just keep doing whatever you need to do to get through each day. X

Thanks for welcoming me. Mine is a week tomorrow that i found out about another woman and any contact from him. I still dont even hate or dislike him. Im finding the anxiety difficult, even if im 100% busy the thoughts of it come in and im heavy breathing and shaking. Zero appetite. Managed to clean today, our glasses from friday were still in the sink, reminders everywhere. This is so so difficult and im sorry to you all.

@cakeoverexercise I had the exact same thoughts today, like how I want to rewind and still be a person with problems, but problems that I felt were mine to conquer because I was a team with my H and we could take on anything together. I have faith we will get through it too, but this part we are in right now is so very hard. And you are right, it is definitely akin to a death, the grief we experience is so painful.

@PotsnPan I am glad to read your update and hear that you have taken control of your proceeding. I think having a plan and a way to implement it is something that can really help at times like these. I am so sorry your H won't even speak to you without any real explanation. To answer your questions, my H and I have't told very many people. We both have somewhat complicated familial situations and telling my family right now would add to my stress. I have told a few friends and their support has been invaluable so I am very appreciative of that. And I am so glad that your family and friends have been able to support you.

Here's to a better Friday/weekend for all of us!

I’m so sorry for everyone going through this but am taking small comfort in the fact that everyone is experiencing it in very similar ways.

My husband told me he didn’t love me about 18 months ago and had been doing the ‘I don’t know what I want’ thing which as others have said really he just wanted out but didn’t want to be the bad guy. I suspect he had his head turned but he has denied it until recently when he said that he and the woman I had suspected he was emotionally involved with had ‘feelings’ for each other but nothing had happened. Turns out this woman may now be moving to our village and I’m being ridiculous for thinking this is crass at the least.

He hasn’t moved out yet but is looking. I’m so sad most of the time. I miss the husband he was - he was loving, thoughtful and a good dad. Now he’s like a stranger - like many of you have said it’s like dealing with a business colleague.

Anyway sorry for the essay. We will get through this and come out stronger on the end.

7 days today my OH announced he was unhappy and wanted to sleep in the spare room he said this was a long term feeling and when I asked what we can do to work through this given we have been together 14 yrs have a child together and we’re planning to marry this yr early next I was told that it couldn’t be fixed we r too broken
at that point I knew there was someone else and I was right
a lot has happened in this week
he’s still living here our daughter has emotional needs and is transitioning into high school which is causing some anxiety he wants her to feel life is as normal as it can be and get her through that period once she’s settled we then tell her - I do think this is wrong as it will emotional upheaval could be worse but he has gone on to say that once she’s over that and is happy again then we will look at the living situation
his girlfriend at ex of his from 31 yrs ago lives in Scotland we r just south of Birmingham
and he says this isn’t as plain sailing she hates him more than she loves/ wants him blames him for abandoning her hates me with a passion and although he hopes this relationship will work he’s not sure
I know there’s no way back for us and actually I don’t want him
I know and have been told he’s wanting his cake and eating it
I know he’s holding all the power cards
and I know I’m struggling but I’m strong and can overcome I have never felt I needed a man to define me and I am happy with the thought of my new future
I’m not sure why or if I need answers to anything and I
do appreciate if you have managed to read to this point
I am wondering though if when all of this does come out and she’s told if I’m the one who continued to be calm and creating a warm home welcoming her father and carrying on as normal will she hate me for being a push over or respect me for trying to make her life normal easy and loved
I also know that this question can not really be answered without knowing us
thank you for reading and sorry if this is silly ramble 💗

Sending hugs feeling ur raw pain it’s a week for me too fastest stone loss ever
many people so far have made comments including good riddance and that’s not what I need to hear and I know everyone is different what I need is
it’s ok you will be ok it hurts now and that’s ok
sending hugs

Placemarking so I can find this thread later. My ducks are nearly all in a row, there's that last little one at the end who is running to catch up.

I'm sorry for this self pitying message... please someone tell me it will all be ok... I'm so lonely... and so hurt... and I miss H so much... I should hate him... he was abusive and intimidating... but he wasn't always like that... something changed in him... I've never felt as bad as I do today... I'm barely managing... just lying here sobbing...

I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult day @Itisallgoingtobeok It will be ok. Take it one day at a time. As we've all discussed, there are a lot of conflicting feelings at this time, and it's important to feel and acknowledge them. But this time will pass and your future will be much brighter and your life much happier when you are not married to an abusive man. Even if he wasn't always that way, the dynamic won't change back now. It's important for your own safety and future happiness to keep trusting in the future even while the present is painful. I'm sending you very best wishes from here to get through today.

@Itisallgoingtobeok Yes, I echo what @harlemriver said. It will definitely be ok, and you will be ok. I completely understand that feeling of descending into the depths of despair as I've had a couple of similar episodes this week which were truly dreadful. But you always come out of them, and as time goes on they become less severe. I'm definitely not there yet, but I can feel my heart moving away from H, and consequently caring less. This is so so hard, but you will get there. We ALL will get there. Sending you lots of positive vibes and love. X

@harlemriver and @cakeoverexercise - thank you for replying with your wise words. I'm just going to accept that today is a bad day.
Sending hugs to all.

Just under a week for me too, still reeling. This time last week we had a lovely day together. Now I know he’s been having an affair, doesn’t love me and I have a divorce lawyer. Incredible really. Hugs to you all.