A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@harlemriver Thanks for the advice. In this case, it is a new counsellor who neither of us have seen before. Actually, my own therapist said that I should make talking to a counsellor a condition of us separating to help deal with the children and how to structure things. But, I am concerned that this is all to benefit him and not me. I guess I either can ask him to be more specific (again) or I can go to one session and see if it is beneficial. If it is not I don't have to go back. I have to admit I'm skeptical due to the type of counsellor it is (here in the US it is rare to get therapy from an actual medical doctor-a pyschiatrist-most just handle giving out medicine). Usually for therapy here you see a different type of licensed professional. I think a lot of it is just me not wanting to take this step but I have to keep telling myself I don't have control over my husband leaving, but I can have control over some of the specifics and facing that and the person who he wants us to go see may be part of that. The other part is I am becoming more convinced there is a third party involved to some extent (not by any clue per se just a feeling) and that certainly complicates things even further.

Sorry for that rambling reply, I am definitely in a very messy position right now and I so appreciate your perspective so I hope that comes across.

@ShylaA040404 - I think you have the right approach to the joint counselling. Go and if it isn't right for you politely leave. I'm trying to remember that there is a lot I can control and part of that is making my own decisions about things. I hope it goes whatever way is best for you.

I'm having a terrible start to the week... I woke up and just sobbed again until I had to pull myself together to go to the office. I wish I could get even the tiniest of grips on my emotions.

Sending hugs to all.

@Itisallgoingtobeok Thanks, I think that will be my plan. I'm so sorry you are having a terrible start to the week. I hope that being at the office can distract you a little. I wish I could get a grip on my emotions too, I have a work meeting soon that I hope will distract me. Good luck and I hope you have a good rest of the day. Sending support your way!

I’m so sorry to hear that so many of you are in a similar situation to myself. It is just horrendous and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I am 2 months in now, my partner of 15 years told me he no longer loved me and wanted us to part ways. Such a dreadful shock. I’ve been plodding on, even distracting myself with a few dates with other guys but have completely broken this last week. My life as I thought it would be is over and nothing is going to make it better. I am currently on holiday this week with my teenage son and am in tears all day. My son doesn’t know what to do to help. I feel so bad for ruining his holiday, I just wanted us to have a nice time.

@SleepymummyZzz I'm so sorry you find yourself in this awful boat with the rest of us. I think it's holidays and times that would have been shared with your ex-H that are the most difficult to bear. I also think that after the initial shock there can be a period of feeling like you're getting to grips with this new life, but it can come crashing in on you at any moment. I'm just 5 weeks in and boy, has it been a rollercoaster already. Some days I can tell myself it's all fine and for the best, but others I sink to the lowest points I've ever known.

I've had a difficult weekend in that H (who is still living at home when he's not away with work) has been around, sort of playing happy families. We've had 2 meals together and spent time as a family. But it was so so bitter sweet. On the one hand it was wonderful to feel like a normal family again, but on the other hand I know he'll be off again tomorrow and he still wants out. It's just making me feel so confused. I keep hoping he'll change his mind and come to his senses but I know deep down he won't. I keep wondering if it would be better for him not to come home at all. But I'd hate that too, and he wouldn't get to see the DC. Sorry for the brain dump, I'm just so confused and upset by the whole situation. Hope all you other ladies are doing ok today. X

@cakeoverexercise Good to hear from you, I was wondering how you have been holding up. I'm so sorry you had a difficult weekend. I am suffering from the same (false) hope that you are. And, while I do not feel ready to let go of the hope, I do think it is precluding me from fully accepting my situation and trying to move on. I keep thinking my H will come to his senses too and return to the man I once knew and recognize the absolute harm he is doing to our family and to me. But, in my head I know it is never going to happen. He has convinced himself otherwise and it is tragic. He's been "cleaning out" his closet and I see his empty shelves and it just makes me cry. After a few weeks of doing okay I am having the worst time as well so I am sending you my support, we are in this together and we will get through it somehow...

@ShylaA040404 Thank you for your reply. It really is so difficult isn't it? The wanting them back versus knowing that how they've behaved means you can never have them back as they were. And knowing that they don't want you. It's just all so painful. H has gone away again now till the weekend without saying goodbye. That really hurts. I'm so sorry you've had to see your H's empty shelves. That's the physical reality that really brings it home. I'll be going through that too at some point and I know I'll be in tears as well. And there'll be lots of little moments like that which will be unbearable. We have to steel ourselves and be ready for that. Anyway I hope you're doing a little better today. X

@ShylaA040404 I'm just catching up after a few days - I wanted to log on on a PC rather than my phone as the messages become a little muddled.

I did feel a little better for a while, anxiety has since returned but I see it as hopefully a little nudge in the right direction. Hopefully similar times will head your way too

@MrsChicken89 I wanted to reply to your post the other day but only had my phone to access and wanted to take time to respond to you. Your situations sounds very similar to mine - a history of depression on my husband's part, a fertility struggle that spanned 8 years (I have an adult daughter from a previous relationship who my husband raised as his own, not sure whether that's now making the separation more difficult as he remains in my life). We were about to do a final round of fertility treatment last summer, he persuaded me to delay for a few weeks, and then dropped the bombshell that he wasn't prepared to go through, he'd had enough. Then comes non-stop arguing from August through to the end of March, him swapping and changing about whether he wants to be with me or not, before telling me doesn't love me and leaving and since then, has turned tyrannical towards me when he does have to speak to me (over daughter/house etc) and my mental health has been severely impacted. The messing around has messed up my head - I am loving your resolve, are there any tips you can share with me as to how get back that resolve? I know that I am worth more than this.

@AloneAgain2023 I'm spamming the thread as I've not been on for a few days and wanted to get on a PC and catch up properly, this thread is so invaluable as we all share our common experiences. My car is definitely once again chugging up that hill but there are very VERY small flickers in me every now and then. Any woman that I speak to IRL that's been through this tells me that it takes time but that I will get there - as will we all.

@SleepymummyZzz - your post really stood out to me - I'm 4 months into this hell, following a 13 year relationship/4 year marriage (it kills me to say that - just 4 years! How can someone stop loving you in just 4 years?!). My H told me he no longer loves me, despite assuring me for 7 months of solid arguing that he did still love me, and abruptly left and has turned hellish towards me since - I haven't done anything to warrant how he's treating me.

Anyway I took my 20 year old daughter on holiday a few weeks after separation, it was enjoyable but as the holiday progressed, I couldn't stop getting upset at the thought of coming home, constantly looking at other couples and families and becoming distraught. My daughter's gone on holiday with a friend today, she said that she needed a break from the situation and also that I ruined the last 2 days of our holiday (we only went for 5!). However she does understand that her dad has left me in a really bad place and like you, I just wanted us to have a nice time too. You will get through this, there will be other holidays and your son will understand - just be there for one another, you will get through this.

@ShylaA040404 exactly this - I just can't accept it. I am quite sure that my H has had a breakdown, I do not recognise this stranger who is intent on being nasty towards me. I too keep hoping that he will change back into my loving partner and find it hard to accept that that isn't going to happen - even if he came back right now, I couldn't take him as the way that he is, I do not know how someone can change so drastically.

I think it is all very up and down and we have to accept this as part of our healing process.

Update re. me - sorry for spamming with replies but I wanted to take time to catch up properly with posts, which can become lost on mobile phones.

I am still not too good, it's been 4 months now and I still can't accept that it's over despite my husband telling me at every given opportunity (he has completely blocked me but I've had to contact him via my dad this week due to issues in the house, that I've been left with the full responsibility for) that he's not coming back, that he doesn't love me, that he wants a divorce etc. He tells me this at any given opportunity, even when I'm trying to talk to him about practicalities - in response to me telling him that we had a leak the other day (in relation to which I was accused of inventing the leak, and then causing it) I was told that I was 'obsessive' about him and needed to accept that he was never coming back - this time, I kept my cool and replied 'yes okay. Anyway, about this leak....'

My dad has then contacted him about another leak through the roof, and whilst my dad's speaking to him, he says to my dad 'I'm not coming back.' My dad was taken aback as he was talking about a practical issue and told him that he wasn't wanted back anyway, and can we just talk about the home repairs.

I honestly believe that my husband is unwell. From talking to people about his approach as above, a few people have commented that is it me who he's telling that he's not coming back, or is he reinforcing this to himself, as if it's not what he really wants? I've commented to him a few times that if he didn't really care about me, then he wouldn't be so absolutely vile and nasty towards me - he doesn't reply when I say that.

I feel that my husband is running from his own mental health issues and it is our marriage and family that are the collateral damage.

He has always been so loving and caring, right up until the point he left. He is living with his parents, he is complaining to my daughter that he has nothing in his life, he barked at me at the weekend that he was having to attend a work event just for something to fill his weekend up, but in the next breath is shouting that his life is so much better now.

And, whilst I may be judged, I've been to see 2 different tarot readers, and I can't stop listening to the recordings (yes I know this isn't healthy, I'm working with MH professionals who have diagnosed me as having acute trauma due to my husband's action), both of whom, without any prompting from me, have told me the exact same thing - that this this isn't a case of my husband not loving me, but that he is suffering from significant mental health issues and is trying to run away. And this is just making it more difficult for me to accept - I feel that it is just a very very sad situation - this man was so loved by our family and now he is a complete horrible stranger.

Sorry for the lengthy post, just needed to get it out there after not posting for a while - any thoughts/advice greatly received. Why can't I accept that it's over and that I do not deserve to be treated like this, regardless of whether or not my husband is ill?

@PotsnPan I am glad you are checking back in but sorry for what you are going through. Although the specific details of our situation have some differences, so much of what you are saying is happening to me too, especially the depressed husband who wants nothing to do with his family. My H is still in the house with us (probably only because one of the differences is that we have three young kids) and I witnessed this interaction between him and his mother this morning that was very telling. She doesn't know anything is going on apart from the fact that he is depressed and she was trying to speak to him in his home office and sat down next to him and he was facing the other way (basically to the wall instead of looking at her) while on his phone while she was trying to talk to him. A lot of my H's issues stem from his upbringing/parental relationships and as I watched this very awkward situation with his mother unfold I was struck by how little of what is going on has anything to do with me or really my relationship with him.

And I think that is somewhat what is going on with you too. It is a double-edged sword because in all, there was nothing horrible about our relationships but since what is happening is truly a crisis within them and not us, there is also very little we can do about it which is maddening. Also, let's be honest, this does not make it any easier for us to handle. You and I cannot fix what is causing this and that is so hard. On the other hand, since there were no enormous issues in our prior relationship, we still hold out hope that our H's will revert back. That hope is gutting for me but I can't seem to let it go yet. Somedays I have faith that eventually I will be able to move on and everything will be okay and somedays I feel wrapped up in the emotions this crisis ruining our relationship and family for reasons that are not related to it.

All that rambling to say, I wish we were both in different situations, but since we aren't, I'm here with you and hopefully we will figure this out little by little.

I passed another landmark yesterday with what will presumably be one of the last conversations I have with my husband (suppose I should say ex-h now). He confirmed again that he doesn't want to stay together and I confirmed that I couldn't reconcile now anyway, so we are going to get the divorce started and it should be over by early next year. We won't live together again and I don't want to remain in contact so other than sorting out the divorce it seems very possible that we will never talk directly to each other again. After 18 years!

It's just so very very very strange. He still can't or won't articulate why he wants our marriage to end - he just talks about being confusion, and not knowing what he feels. When I ask specifically what he is feeling that he is confused about he won't say. He continues to insist that it's not about the 'someone else' but it is blindingly obvious that is exactly what it is about. There is no other explanation that makes sense.

Honestly, it is making me lose the little remaining respect I had for him that he can't take responsibility for his choices and this outcome and just own up to it. But I realise that I can't make that happen so instead I am focusing on drawing a line in the sand between past/future. I'm in a holiday cottage at the moment and it has turned out to be a very healing and restorative place to be. I still have another couple of weeks here and I want to mourn for a bit now, but also use this time to shift my mindset into a new life that I can create.

My marriage is over. It's not fixable. He doesn't want to fix it, and I am starting to properly come to terms with understanding that neither do I. And so in a weird way, though he certainly hasn't been acting with my interests at heart, he has probably done me a favour by giving real closure to our relationship that I would probably never have attained otherwise (when I thought that I was ending our marriage and he still loved me).

But it's still painful and hurtful and difficult. And predictable! It's crazy to me that he is just following the pattern of so many others that I've read about on MN over the years. It's so bizarre to me that he is following (to the letter) 'the script' and its patterns of behaviour & treatment & justification/denial. And that those of us who are on the receiving side - many of us on this thread -are also going through similar stages of turmoil and trauma as we try to process their actions. Such a strange thing to experience.

@harlemriver - It sounds as though you have made a practical and emotional step forward although it sounds utterly horrible at the same time.

The lack of responsibility on your husband's part sounds so familiar. My H is not willing to even acknowledge what he has done is wrong even in the smallest way. As you say, it is a familiar story across the MN boards.

I am so glad you have had a restful time at the holiday cottage. I wonder if that might be a good thing for me to do too. To get away from everything and sit quietly by the sea by be a good way to try and gather myself back together.

Sending hugs to all.

@harlemriver It's so good to hear you moving on so positively. It just shows the rest of us on here that it can be done. Acceptance is the key, I think, and I know a few of us on here are really struggling with that. I am still veering between feeling that us separating is for the best and desperately missing H and feeling like it's the end of the world. There seems to be no in-between. But through my counselling sessions I've come to realise that H needs to move out to give me the time and space I need to grieve. I don't think I can properly move on otherwise. At the moment he's here for a couple of days acting as if nothing's changed, then he disappears for days on end with no word at all. And even when he's here it's like having a doppelgänger in the house as he's just not the man I used to know. So that needs to change, however hard it will be not to see him again. As you say, it's an incredibly strange, and unpleasant, experience to go through after so many years together. Anyway, I hope the rest of your holiday gives you the respite you need to really plan out what your future might look like. Do let us know how you're getting on. X

Thank you @Itisallgoingtobeok and @cakeoverexercise I've been struggling a bit today - just feeling the pain and finality of it all - and it helps so much to know that others understand and are going through something similar.

Today has been hard but it's also been a lovely day. I sat on the beach watching the waves, had a long walk and am just back from an evening of whale-spotting at a nearby lighthouse where I saw lots of dolphins and two humpback whales. So life goes on, and I really do feel like this time is a transition between the past and future. I'm like a snake shedding its skin, preparing to come out renewed!

When I booked this cottage I thought my H/ex-H would be here with me. I'm already pretty outed on this thread and I don't really care if anyone else recognises me, but this cottage is very far from where I live - it's basically at the opposite end of the country, a 13 hour drive. Even getting here felt like a big achievement. But it's worked out so well - I've already met people locally who've invited me for drinks, I've gone out to events on my own, I've had lots of random chats with people in cafes. And that's not my normal travel experience at all. It feels a bit like the universe is telling me that I'm going to be just fine on my own. (that sounds a bit woo but hopefully you know what I mean)

So I definitely endorse getting away - I know would be in a very different state of mind if I still had to live with my H/ex-H or interact on a daily or weekly basis. I don't think I could handle it all. For me, the clean break of this time is making it possible for me to accept what is happening. But my thoughts and emotions are also still veering around all over the place. At one moment I feel positive and empowered and capable, as I've said above. But I am still also feeling huge waves of sadness and pain and disbelief that this is happening. It's complex.

Oh @harlemriver the holiday sounds like a really healing break and I'm so glad it's going well. You absolutely will be okay on your own again.
@cakeoverexercise I know what you mean - I know my marriage is over - although we are "trying" I don't think either of our hearts are in it. But we have a once-in-a-lifetime extended family holiday booked for the end of august and I think we are both holding out for that, for the sake of the dc if nothing else. I know that when we come back we need to split but it's just so hard the thought of it - like who will I text each day just random nonsense? When he's been a constant for the last 13years, it breaks me to be loosing that. Change is always scary though, but the thought of wasting the next 10years of my life with this unhappiness is even scarier.
I just want to go back 12months, back to how we used to be. Before the drinking and social media got out of hand.

It’s the small things that hurt. Discovered today that he no longer has his relationship status as married to me on Facebook. I know it’s a ridiculous thing (& I don’t even use Facebook that much!) but it still hurts.

I spoke to him the other day (well text) and said I don’t understand what’s changed in him to make him feel like the doesn’t love me in the same way anymore. He said he doesn’t know and he’s confused & trying to work it all out. so if he doesn’t know then how am I supposed to know.

All I feel right now is anger, I haven’t cried in days and currently going through a ‘fuck you your a knobhead, I don’t need you’ phase.

@harlemriver The struggle is real and changes a little bit every day, so complex is exactly the right word for the range of emotions we're all going through. But your posts are sounding so full of hope for what's ahead that I think you'll never regret your decision.
@CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease Yes, I'm totally with you in feeling the pain of losing that long-lived connection. Just as a small example, who do I tell when something good (or bad) happens at work? There's no-one who will really care now. And I keep remembering moments form the past, each one another painful jab in the chest. I think the only way through is distraction until enough time passes so it's not so painful any more.
@MrsChicken89 In my limited experience all the 'I don't knows' and 'I'm confuseds' are actually just a mask because they don't want to face telling you that they just don't want to be with you any more. That's what happened with my H anyway, he kept repeating that until the marriage guidance counsellor really pressed him on it and he eventually admitted that it was over for him. You're right to feel angry because it sounds like he's just prolonging the agony for you. It's weakness on his part. I felt totally confused until the penny finally dropped as to where his head was at. I too haven't really cried, not really sure why, maybe delayed shock?
Sending strength and love to you all. X

Commenting this so i can follow. My 17 year relationship ended on friday as i found messages from another woman. Havent heard a thing from him since 💔

@babygirl88 - I just saw your message and wanted to say hello and welcome, although that always seems inappropriate given the topic of this thread. How are you doing? I am so sorry you are in this position.

@Itisallgoingtobeok thank you. i was in complete shock for 3 days, i didnt shower or eat anything. was really unexpected and was my birthday weekend as we were celebrating. i think that he hasnt tried to applogise or contact me is whats hurting as id been with him 2 decades. a hard time for us all going through this.