A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

@AloneAgain2023 thank you so much I don't know how I will get through this I loved him so much

@ShylaA040404 @camedowntothewire If I look back at how long I had felt a sense that things weren’t right or good, I’m ashamed. I think I also had other reasons to stay put, such as finances and thinking I wasn’t in any position to jump. The consequences of that on my wellbeing though has been profound.

Ultimately I would have preferred to have a husband who loved me, cared about me, wanted to be with me etc, but I don’t think I’ve had that for a few years now. Instead it’s been a few years of my confidence and self esteem taking a gradual nosedive. I too have, at times, seen in him what can only be described as dislike / contempt, which as well as being incredibly hurtful, is also incredibly confusing, as there’s nothing I’ve ever done to warrant that. The truth is there’s only one of us who behaved badly at times over the years and it wasn’t me!

Like you both said, it wasn’t as if things were utterly awful on a day to day basis. And that helps create the sense of ‘messiness’ you both mentioned, I suppose if there had been a distinct line of, one day the marriage is good and the next day the marriage is bad, it’s easier to have clarity and a certain neatness. I guess that’s what causes all the yo-yo ing of emotions.

I definitely think it helps to write things down, good and bad memories, good and bad behaviours. I know I find it helpful to look back on over the days, weeks, and months.

There are such a lot of similarities in our experiences and feelings!

💐 to all today!

@wantittoneober Something that you will read and hear often is people saying that it gets easier as time goes on, time is a great healer etc. The truth is that it WILL ease over time, and although it certainly won’t be what you’re thinking at the moment, you will eventually come to see that he wasn’t worthy of your love & affection.

I think we can become a bit blind to someone’s poor behaviour when we really love them, but poor behaviour is what it is. Hurtful and cruel. You don’t realise it but you have the upper hand, because you behaved with love and decency and he didn’t. (and keep in mind that despite what your imagination is telling you, he may not be happy and doing cartwheels in his current situation!)

Don’t think for a moment that what you’re feeling is abnormal or that it should have a cut off point. Feel the feelings and allow yourself to feel the sadness and anger and pain, it’s to be expected and you’re allowed.

But one morning you will wake up and it will hurt slightly less.

You won’t think so right now, but you really WILL get through it.

Hello all. I have been away from the boards for a few days as I have been really struggling. For some reason it feels even more raw than ever. I keep thinking of the things that H has done which pushed me out of the door, and they are clear breach of what is reasonable in a relationship, I don't know why that isn't enough to keep me moving forward, but it isn't. I know he doesn't regret the things he's done, he has told me so. I wish I could stop crying every time I think about it, that would help.

I will go through the posts I have missed lated, but for now, stay strong and hugs to all.

@AloneAgain2023 I am really struggling with this new update about the baby but because we split 6 months ago my family aren't interested in hearing about it they think I should be over it by now. I can barely breath today if I could be over it I would love to be

Thankyou @ShylaA040404 this makes me feel so much better having someone say the same things! I feel so useless and completely doubt my own feelings when I get told that everything is fine and it’s just that I’m over complicated wanting things that are unrealistic! I think am I giving up on something, or overreacting but I think ultimately why would I have started the conversation if I was happy!? It’s so confusing- would it be easier if we were screaming at each other but there is just this overwhelming sadness that we can’t be what we need from each other xx

Ladies(and maybe gents)

You are all doing absolutely fantastic giving your circumstances.

I’m 10 months in and I did not for one minute think I’d be where I am now, 10 months ago.

Just keep going and I swear it will all get better with time..time time and more time.

Take each day as it comes and just remember that this isn’t linear, the grief comes and goes and it’s okay to have bad days. I still do myself. But I know that it will pass.

@Darknightsahead Thanks for the encouraging words, I needed them today. You are totally right that grief is not linear, and today is the worst day I have had in a few weeks, just full of sadness and anger. I know the best thing for me is to quit thinking about things like "how can he do this to me" and along those lines, but sometimes it is so hard to ignore the fact that life would be so much easier if my H would just snap out of it and be the person he had been before the last year. This magical thinking gets me nowhere and I know it. All I can do is what I can control, so I am going to keep on that path but it sure is hard sometimes.

@camedowntothewire 100%. I am with you and it is so difficult, among all of the difficult things about this. I have some days where I am at peace and some days where I don't think I could ever be happy again. I guess we just have to get through it one step at a time, as hard as that is!

@Itisallgoingtobeok Glad that you checked in. If only it were simple for all of us to see the things that were wrong and be able to logically think about that and get past mourning our relationships right? We are all grieving in different ways relationships that have varying degrees of healthiness v. unhealthiness but I don't think it makes it any easier to let it go on an emotional level, although I sure wish it did! Sending you my support too, I hope today is a decent day for you.

@Darknightsahead - exactly what I needed to hear.

I've been a family gathering tonight, felt really anxious at first but ended up having a really lovely night - even found myself laughing at a few points - that’s definitely been a while and very welcome.

and my daughters away so I’ve decided to move into my parents for a few nights - I feel as though my soul is at peace surrounded by those who unconditionally love me.

no doubt the anxiety will be back tomorrow but for today/tonight I have pushed through. I’m hoping you all have days like this too, surely these times must give us hope x

@PotsnPan I’m so glad you had a good night and are taking care of yourself. Every time I hear an anecdote like that from anyone it gives me so much hope that things will be better and that there can be moments of happiness even in the midst of this hard time so thank you for sharing!

Never thought I’d be sat here posting in this group. Together 9 1/2 years, married for 5.

Sorry it’s a long one but I just need to get it all out.

At the start of the year we started the adoption process after 5 years of ttc. Got half way through stage one & H decided to didn’t want to do it, in fact never wants kids etc, news to me since he’s always wanted them, had names picked out! Told he we can put it off for a few years but something still wasn’t right with him.

Eventually got it out of him that he doesn’t feel the same way anymore & hasn’t for about 6 months. At this point he was barely speaking to me at home, coming in from work and just sat scrolling endlessly through his phone for hours, only talking to answer questions. Ended up splitting but still living together.

After a week or so he moved to his mums and a few weeks later I went on our dream holiday without him (took my mum instead). When I got back he said all the right things - he’s been an idiot, he’s missed me, wants to be with me etc. So he moved back in.

First 2 weeks were great then it all started going down hill again, started withdrawing & ignoring me again. Asked him multiple times what was going on & he lied saying everything was fine.

Last Sunday I got home from my mums to find he’d packed his bags and moving back to his mums. Only explanation is that he loves me but it doesn’t feel the same anymore. Not sure why he feels like this & he’s been struggling to figure it all out. History of depression but swears it isn’t it this time.

First split in April, got back together in June, split again last week. Tbf I didn’t trust him 2nd time around, the damage was done & I always knew he would leave again.

Feels slightly easier this time around but I still have my moments, switching from feeling like my life’s a mess to anger and he won’t stop me from living a good life!

Does anyone want up with that real heavy anxiety like pain in your chest ?

I would like to ask for help trying to understand things.

I presume I am in the minority as a Husband going though the same thing as many wives here, I am struggling to understand why my Wife told me she wanted to seperate without me knowing she was so unhappy? I would have been more than willing to talk about why she was feeling so unhappy but it seems like it's a done deal before even speaking to me.

I know she must have tried but I had not heard her, but I did not understand not that I did not care.

I have spent 10 months working on myself (lost several st, and tons of reflection) and trying to reconnect and repair. Having spent countless hours looking at how thing were, what mistakes I made and why it was like that I have put in place so many improvents - but my Wife is still not willing to reconsider....

She messeged me a few times saying she is breaking the kids world, but still will not reconsider....

Can anyone help me understand what I need to do so show I am remorseful for hurting her and have genuine desire to put in the work?

I really do understand I have made mistakes but none of the big ones, but that does not mean it limits how much I must have hurt her - but I am genuinely trying.

Thanks for any feedback.

@Lastmanout it might not be anything you’ve done, try not to beat yourself up too much. I know it’s easier said than done.

has she told you the reasons why she was unhappy?

My husband left without telling me he was unhappy for 6 months. He’s said it’s nothing I’ve done but I’m still sat here wondering if I’d done XYZ differently would he still be here.

Nope it was me. I went through depression when I lost my dad, mum, sister and brother was in a coma which let myself drop. I did not look after myself and did not engage properly.

She tried to bring me back but I was stuck.....

She has not given me anything more specific, except she cannt forget the hurt.

So I am looking at what I don't like in me and working on it. So right now I am still blind but cannt understand why she will re-engage.

@MrsChicken89 I’m so sorry you’re going through that, particularly when there had been talk of something so big as adoption.

I can’t relate to that part but I can relate to the being left part. Like you, I had to deal with my husband leaving a few years ago, then coming back, and now 8 years on we’re divorcing. Exactly as you said, although this time is still painful, the first time he left was so much worse as it was such a shock. This time round, I can see why we should separate, although it’s mainly been instigated by him. Nevertheless it’s been a huge rollercoaster of emotions - sad, angry, frustrated, betrayed, and back to sad again. And like you, I’m not sure the trust was there after that original damage was caused.

Although it won’t always be the case, there is very often someone else involved. You know your own lives better than anyone else, but it’s surprising (and very sad) how often this is the case. They can give every impression of it being about them not being happy etc, or find any number of faults with the marriage, but the actual reason is there is someone else. I have discovered this with my husband this time round. I’m not sure how much of the story he gives me is true or not, but there either is, or has been someone else in recent months.

There have been forward but also backward steps in terms of emotions, but at the moment, 4 months on, we’re still having to live together until I move out, and it’s been incredibly difficult at times.

@Lastmanout I’m also sorry you too are going through it. I think it’s possible that we don’t always see or hear when our husbands / wives are unhappy. But if they don’t communicate with you, or you don’t communicate well together, that can lead to all sorts of problems down the line. I can definitely say that about my marriage and I made mistakes, BUT like you have said, not the big ones! I didn’t lie, cheat, gaslight, list all his ‘faults’, and detach, all of which my husband did. And the irony was that he didn’t communicate with me until he had one foot out the door, and declared that the marriage was done!

You sound very confused and distressed about things, which is not a surprise when you’re left spinning because you don’t know ‘why’. Sometimes it’s just that they want out and their feelings have changed. But if she no longer wants to be in the marriage she needs to explain things and not be so cruel as to simply leave you wondering. She does owe you that at least.

I wish you the best in trying to work things out, or at least get some kind of explanation.

@wantittoneober How are you this evening? I know that waking up feeling too - after a few short moments of being awake that sudden panicky feeling sets in. It’s like your whole body is being crushed by this grief. And grief is exactly what it is. You’re grieving for someone you have lost and the life you had together.

I also can understand you talking about people thinking you should be ‘over’ something in a specific amount of time. Any break ups I’ve had over the years, I’ve always reached a point where I think ‘I don’t feel as though I can keep going on about this to everyone as they’re probably bored, but I’m still struggling’. A good friend or decent family member won’t get fed up of listening, and sometimes it helps to just vent and rage and cry, even if you’re not looking for advice.

Is there a friend or two who is happy to keep listening? Otherwise I really do find reading articles online, watching videos on YouTube, and reading posts on Mumsnet, so helpful & useful. There are SO many articles and videos out there, and often you’ll come across one that really resonates with you and helps you.

💐

@Darknightsahead As others have said, thank so much for your post about being further down the line, always good to hear! 👍

@PotsnPan so glad you had a mini breakthrough at your family gathering, it must give you that vision that there is life after this darkness. Exactly as you say, it won’t be the end of the sadness and pain, but you now can see that the process can include up moments as well as down ones. Keep travelling the bumpy, hilly road 🚗

@Lastmanout - I am so sorry you are in this position. You sound like someone who genuinely wants to make things right. If your wife can't tell you what she needs from you, you are in a difficult position. I can't offer any useful advice I'm afraid, other than to take some of the great advice above and think about what you need, and try to look after yourself day to day. At this point I have found taking things hour by hour is the only way.

I really feel awful today, as though I am going backwards not forwards. Everything is so bleak and I feel the gap where my husband should be, next to my side, like a piece of me is missing. It's work again tomorrow and I am hoping being in the office will help to distract me.

@PotsnPan I'm so glad you had a nice evening out. You deserve that, did it give you a tiny little bit of hope of what life could be like again? I hope so. I am trying to find that bright spot in each day, no matter how small.

Hi all, thoughts with everyone who is struggling today. And for those who are getting happier! Really glad you had a nice evening out and are being cared for @PotsnPan Today is my wedding anniversary so am finding things a bit challenging but trying to stay positive and focus on the future. I'm a bit lost right now but once I get through this I really believe I'll be happier than I have been for a long time. Meanwhile, it's day-by-day, looking for the bright spots as @Itisallgoingtobeok says.

@Itisallgoingtobeok I feel the same way. I had a few weeks where I genuinely was focusing on myself and what I could control and now I am a complete mess, getting mad again at the situation I am in and the actions of my husband when I cannot change or control them and just spiraling. I am trying to embrace the fact that this process is not linear but it is so hard.

@harlemriver Anniversary time is so hard. I am so glad you focusing on the future and finding your happiness. I hope that you are doing well taking it day-by-day.

For my part, my husband wants us to see a counsellor at the end of this coming week to discuss "end of marriage" type stuff. I am pressing him on what exactly this means and just like everything else, he won't / can't say. I can tell you I am NOT looking forward to this at all, but maybe I should. Has anyone done this? My husband and I did marriage counseling several years back and while I think it helped it was such hard emotional work. I can't imagine doing that very taxing work while wanting something different than him and trying to end things. I'm sure I'll just be crying the entire time which I don't want to do in front of a stranger and I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing. I definitely tend to revert to denial so this is bad news for me. Good thing is I am scheduled to see my counsellor the day before so I'm hoping she can help me come up with a plan.

I hope everyone has a good end to the weekend and a good start to this coming week.

Hmm @ShylaA040404 my husband suggested something similar - that I go along to counselling sessions with him now, but when I asked what the context would be it wasn't marriage counselling to repair our relationship and work towards a shared future. It sounded more like he wanted shared counselling that would address his issues so that he could be in a better position for a relationship with someone else. I said I couldn't see what value that had for me - if we are divorcing, I want to focus my counselling/therapy on myself and my goals. I don't see how shared counselling will help that. I wonder if this is a bit similar for you? If there isn't a clear purpose to the sessions in terms of mediating concrete issues (children, finances, housing), it sound like it might be emotionally painful without offering you much therapeutic benefit. If your instincts are saying that this won't help you, it might be worth listening.