A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

So heartbreaking to hear so many of us are struggling. Hugs you all.

Would any of you lovely people be interested in connecting in real life?

If so, where are you based?

I’m in the Brighton area.

I'm sorry things took a bad turn. If I had seen this (I was wake at 1am) I would have messaged you. Are you ok? Did you get some sleep? My H sneers at me too. It's horrible. The sad thing is that is what I remember when I think of him now, I seem to have lost all the loving memories. Sending hugs to all.

Hi @WhatNowBeryl. Would love to meet up with some of you lovely ladies. I'm in Leeds. A bit far from Brighton.

I'm having a really hard time here too. I'm going to spend some time to read all your posts this evening. Love to everyone that is suffering on this journey. It's incredibly traumatic💐

@PotsnPan thinking of you. I will try and message you this evening x

@Itisallgoingtobeok thanks, yes I'm OK. I got about 5 hours sleep so am knackered and fragile today, but he came to me and apologised for being so mean. We've had another long but civil conversation today (we're both wfh, awkward) but things are in much the same place.

How are you doing today?

@NewPhase23 - I'm not surprise you are feeling fragile after only 5hours sleep. I'm crazy busy at work and being in the office is a distraction from the sadness so thats something at least. Not looking forward to the weekend much.

Hi All, my week gets worse, I’ve now got covid so the plans I’d made to get me through the weekend are no longer taking place! A little odd maybe but if anyone fancies a chat over the weekend, or to swap texts etc, please direct message me, as I could very much do with a listening ear and happy to provide one too x

I am little bit further on almost 7 months. I have a lonely weekend ahead & I had a little look at Facebook dating tonight wish I never bothered .
I miss my ex even though he turned out to be a liar and a cheat I miss our Friday night take away & cuddles.
He gets that with the her now how is it the men always move on so quickly.
Life really is unfair

Hi @wanttobebetter1 sorry to hear you’re joining us. How long were you together? I miss the Friday night takeaways too, just trying to remind myself though that new routines will come along, just like they did before we got with these men. Sending you love on this Friday night - it has to get better, it can’t stay like this forever

Hope everyone is doing ok. To anyone who finds themselves awake in the middle of the night and wants to chat - I am in Australia so the time difference means I am awake so please reach out if you want to chat. Happy to talk about idiot exes or the weather or anything in between.
take care everyone ❤️

I feel awful today, like I am right back at the beginning again. The shock of the way H has treated me really hit me hard again. I don't know what to do with the pain other than wait it out.

I'm going to take my own advice and do something nice for myself today. I hope everyone is doing ok. Hugs to all.

@Itisallgoingtobeok i was like that this week and my MH nurse told me that it’s normal, that healing isn’t linear and that we will regress at times.

I’ve woken up panicky - I’ve got covid so another day of being stuck in the house. Going to try and force myself to give it a big clean

As A fellow male in your situation, albeit further down the road in terms of realisation of the imminent separation (try to fix while remain together, separating, acceptance of my issues, tried changing to be who she wanted me to be, realising none of the issues I was being told were an issue and changed had made a difference) ladies a lot of you say your Husband just switched off and doesn’t care, either he has found someone else or in many cases it’s a temporary act and he’s in bits just like you, or something has happened where he has tried to make you happy over and over again but their was always another issue.
For me after trying loads a moment happened when I realised nothing I done made a difference and didn’t see the future anymore.
I read somewhere that when a woman mentions leaving/divorce it’s already too late, anyone willing to back that article up?
I know from being on the receiving end as above I accepted I was mostly at fault for the initial separation, I was blind to the problems and just believed I was being nagged at.

@Tootiredtosleep @PotsnPan @Itisallgoingtobeok @wanttobebetter1 @NewPhase23 hello everyone, how are you all today?
I’m currently sat in the bedroom, as I often do, to leave stbxh in his own space downstairs. This was our marital home, but it’s now his house and he’s already changed quite a lot, so it very definitely doesn’t feel like ‘home’ anymore, which is another layer of sadness.
I’ve not had a great week really. Having been on a reasonably even keel for a while, I took a couple of steps backwards a few days ago. Lots of tears, pain, regrets, some anger, for a couple of days it was almost like being at the beginning all over again.
Something I hate myself for doing, is if he comes upstairs for something I find myself feeling hurt & rejected if he goes back downstairs without sticking his head in the door to see if I’m okay! I know that sounds ridiculous and a bit pathetic. It’s almost like I’m still looking for his approval & affection and I hate that I feel that way!
Does anyone else find themselves almost willing their stbxh to show them kindness?

@notenough2023 thank you for the male perspective. I actually told my H that I wanted out in early 2022, following a period of questionable behaviour on his part which he owned and refused to give up on us. So I decided to give us another chance and all was brilliant for a few months, only for other issues to surface 12 months ago and then he decided to leave just over 3 months ago and it has absolutely devastated me, despite me wanting out last year.

can you tell me if possible, from a male perspective, is it normal for a man to be able to just completely shut out his wife and her family who he’s been a close member of for over a decade? Because I think it’s that part that I’m struggling with.

how are you doing with the separation, are you divorcing?

@AloneAgain2023 only just seeing this, sorry to hear you’ve had a bad week, I hope you’re feeling a little more settled. How long now until you’re able to move out?

I was told this week that this grief that we’re feeling isn’t linear and that there will be regression. So just keep swimming, as I keep trying to tell myself, and look at how far you’ve come - small victories such as I don’t cry when going the supermarket any more.

and I totally understand what you mean about still expecting kindness; I’ve got covid, my H told my DD yesterday that he hopes I’m okay. He’s picked her up from a night out tonight, I asked her if he’d asked how I am, he hasn’t, and I’m hurt. But then again, he’s not asked after my elderly parents again, to whom he was really close, so it just tells me that this is a man who is firmly burying his head as he has always been the most caring husband and SIL. And it’s for that reason I’m struggling with accepting it’s over because I don’t know who he is any more, and all I can rationalise it as is that he’s had some kind of breakdown. I hope he’s tortured by dreams of me and him, just like I am every night - there’s no escape from my thoughts!

WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

Good morning, and hi to lots of new faces. I haven’t managed to catch up on the whole thread but just want to say you are all doing so well and being so strong. It is so true the quote “it will all be okay in the end. And if it’s not okay, it’s not the end”. That quote has got me through some very tough times in the past, and it’s going to carry me through now.
H and I are currently in the trying to make it work phase but I’ve put a mental timeline of 6months on it, and if things have not improved by October then I will call it a day - even though it was H that was the one to start this process, I would have been happy to coast along for many years, but in reality there is so much I’m unhappy with as well, and part of me has seen this all as my ticket to escape.
So yeah, we’re trying to make it work, although it’s really I’m trying to make it work whilst he talks about wanting to try and yet does not a lot and this reminds me of what bugs me so much - he’s all talk, he likes talking about what he wants, but then leaves it to everyone else (mainly me) to actually action.
So he wants to do marriage counselling which I completely agree with it. He asked me to book it which I thought was a bit of a test to prove I’m up for it, which I did and we went to and I found it very therapeutic. we did agree that where I booked was quite a drive away and it would be better to find more local which he said he had found. I asked him to book it and 12 days later he still hasn’t. I’m not chasing him up on this though. He suggested it so it would be nice to see some action on this.
One of his complaints was that we don’t do enough together at the weekends and we’ve kinda fallen into a (post covid) rut of being stuck at home at the weekends and he loves going out. I do agree with this so suggested that we take alternate weekends to plan something, that way it’s fair and doesn’t just fall on one persons shoulders to always be planning stuff. I started with last weekend, and book a fun outdoor activity that we had never done before that was a hit. This weekend is his to plan and….. “my mate said he’s going to xxx and asked if we wanted to go along too so I said yes”. Ok, and what are we doing when we are at xxx? “I don’t know. I’ll see what he’s got planned”. Just so passive, it’s so annoying.
I also planned a date night last week, dinner and drinks, arranged babysitter etc, we had a really nice time. I’ve asked him to plan the next date, but I won’t be holding my breath tbh.
But this is the way it’s always been, he wants to go on holiday but doesn’t want to research, plan or book it, he wants to buy a house but doesn’t want to get a better paid job to do it etc. he wants more sex but doesn’t want to put the effort in to seduce me you know?
All talk. But a goal without a plan is just a dream as they say. Words are nothing without a bit of action

Apologies for the super long post there too!

@PotsnPan thank you for your reply. I should be in the last few weeks now before I get to move, it actually feels as though it’s got harder being here rather than easier. As I mentioned, he’s now changed so many things around the house already, decorating / decor / furniture etc, and I feel so utterly out of place and even more unsettled than I did in the beginning. I literally feel like an imposter in what was once my beloved home.

The thing that triggered this dip is without doubt finding evidence (and not actually through snooping this time!) of a jewellery purchase back in April. I googled this piece of jewellery and felt completely crushed. It was a heart necklace, and the packaging of the necklace included the words soulmate, love and forever!

According to his previous version of events, he went on a first date with someone a few weeks ago, it was a casual thing, and that was it. This necklace put things on a whole new level, that is not something you buy someone you have seen only casually. I confronted him, pushed him into expanding the story, he then admitted that he had seen & spoken to her a few times, but is now not seeing her at all. Naturally I don’t believe this, it doesn’t add up. I think he only gives as much info as he can get away with, and sadly I think he’s still lying to my face, with ease.

So I felt like I had cannoned back into the early emotions all over again. It’s such a confusing mix of feelings - I can see how it’s right to separate but I feel so worthless, unattractive, boring, and clearly I was not worth hanging onto as a wife. Someone else is now taking my place. 😔

@PotsnPan i don’t think there is a one for all solution, but in my case I knew (thought) my wife wanted out especially the last few months had been difficult and after multiple requests from me to talk as I knew we were in a bad place were ignored and arguments were happening basically every time I talked or made a comment (and I’m meaning over the stupidest of things) “cold chips at a festival”
our is a funny situation as we have lived separately since the initial split I work away so it wasn’t much of an issue as we stayed with each other when I was home, this went from 3 nights to 2 then 1, with all not adding up I believed she wanted to completely finish and suggested we did just that, so to answer your question can a man step away I did for what I believed was for the best.
that hurt a lot but I felt it was the right thing for both of our happiness, I wasn’t expecting to be blocked on all social and effectively have the last 10 years of my life wiped (pictures) and a no contact request to come my way.
Im now thinking with the aggressive response maybe she hadn’t fully checked out and if that was the case it’s a real shame the argumentative behaviour lasted so long because men only see what’s directly in front of us in that moment (well me anyway) I don’t have the mindset to think the 3 months of difficulties was any other than we were done.

Who knows we had two periods of separation, is this 3 time lucky to make good and never separate again, or maybe we are completely broken.

@notenough2023 it still sounds (if you don’t mind me saying) that this isn’t actually what you want? In my case, it’s my husband who’s erasing me, yet making constant contact with my DD. You’re totally right in that the blocking is actually an act of aggression, it’s awful.

You say that you’ve separated twice before; can I ask for how long, and whether there was no contact during those periods?

I’m currently looking at the relationship with very much rose tinted spectacles - it wasn’t a perfect marriage by any means but we did have some wonderful times. We’ve always argued but I thought we’d just get back to being okay again. Unfortunately my husband seems to have had a breakdown during this time (I think maybe it was starting when we started to argue) and I appreciate that he won’t want to go back there, and I’m really quite unwell myself now.

thank you for taking the time to respond, it’s really appreciated

Hello all. I've had a horrible weekend. The emotional ups and downs (mostly downs and then further down) were vicious. I'm finding it so hard to come to terms with what H did. Every time I think about it, it overwhelms me.

It's a work day again so I have a distraction which will help. I hope you are all moving forward to where to want to be even if it is inches at a time.

Hugs to all.

Hugs back to you @Itisallgoingtobeok
i find the weekends the hardest as well, with H being around or just only having time to think. I love the distraction of work, I barely have time to use the bathroom nevermind think about the shitshow of my life. Suddenly, 6 weeks off doesn’t seem as appealing as it used to

Thank you @CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease. It feels very empty today. I know I can't go back to a man who was so abusive. I am convinced he has some major mental health issues which I've tried to convince him to get help for but he won't. There is no other option to leave as things were escalating. The sensible part of me knows I am doing the right thing for me, but that bond I had with him was and is still very strong. He wasn't always like this.

I need a plan for next weekend to take the edge off of the emptiness. I'm not sure what to do though.

I'm sending you hugs.

@PotsnPan I don’t believe there is anyone who truly does want to divorce, I think I hurts more now because it feels like the effort and changes have been a wast e of time, 1st was 6 weeks, second 10 weeks Not forgetting our living arrangements but contact has never been an issue till now.
This is a different level of hate which I’m struggling to get my head around because the hostility in the previous few months was believed I was giving her what she was wanting, not for a second did I think I’d be having to defend myself with (proof) messages to emotion fuelled accusations, unfortunately just not the person I knew.

Hello everyone. How are we all doing? We are here, we are strong and we can do this!
I've been giving myself a pep talk. Can you tell?