A new thread for those struggling with separation

[harlemriver]

I wanted to start a new thread for those of us who are struggling to come to terms with separation/divorce, and to separate this from my personal thread (which was getting a bit outing)

maybe we can share stories and struggles here - paging @pinkrabbits39 @helpots @camedowntothewire @cakeoverexercise @couldihavethatinenglishplease @implodedlife

Things were a bit better here yesterday and we seemed to be edging back from the brink, or at least trying to, but it all went to shit again last night so God knows what today will bring. We have couples counselling, which can either help us work through an issue or surface things that we then can't deal with. I'm dreading it.

It feels a little calmer today... I don't know why I am surprised but H is still trying to control things even from afar. Thanks for checking on me... I nobody wants to be on this thread but I am so glad it exists.
Hugs to all.

I'm sending positive vibes for the counselling. It was never an option for us because I refused to go with him because of the abuse. Hopefully it will help, but I can imagine it is really difficult.

@NewPhase23 I hope that counseling goes as well as it can for you. It can be hard dealing with everything it brings up even if it serves an overall positive purpose.

@Itisallgoingtobeok Glad to hear things feel a little more calm today. Hopefully that trend continues for you!

I had a bit of a moment today when I recognised that I'm holding out for an apology from H. Clearly that's never going to happen has he feels fully justified in everything he has done. That's one of the reasons I'm finding it so hard to move on. I need some kind of validation of my feelings, of how much he's hurt me. I need to let that go somehow.
I hope everyone else is doing ok. Hugs to all.

How is everyone this evening? I hope all those of you going through nightmares are getting at least some clarity / calmness / strength?

Even though my situation is not as fraught as some, there are still a lot of ups & downs. I’m currently waiting to move out of the marital home (actually former marital home, now his house having bought me out). The sale process of the flat I have bought has only a few more weeks to go, but has been going on since the end of March and has felt like the longest few months of my life!

In the main, it’s been relatively amicable and we’ve been trying to make the best of the situation as much as possible. But each time he asks ‘have you heard anything from your Solicitors?’ I feel self-conscious that he can’t wait for me to go! And it still hurts! Like many men, he’s easily riled by the slightest criticism and when I jokingly say ‘well it’s down to you that we’re in this situation’, of course he becomes someone with no sense of humour!

And then just like that, the mood has changed! It’s happened this evening - he called from a shop he was in to kindly see if I wanted anything, arrived back and was showing me his purchases, we watched a bit of TV, had a few laughs, but then that question came up. I told him the latest update, he said for the hundredth time ‘why is it taking so long’ and I just deflated, as we’ve had this conversation so many times and I keep apologising for still being here!!😒

Personally I would rather move out with some degree of warmth between us, as hurt & angry about everything as I am, but these moments only succeed in bringing back those raw emotions from the early days & weeks of this hideous experience. On the one hand it confirms that separating is the right thing to do, but on the other hand it brings up that awful, hurtful, painful question of - how can this person who once loved & cared about me, now be so easily irritated and annoyed at me. It can happen like a switch.

I hope and I’m sure that we will all reach a point where this no longer matters to us, that we won’t care as much about what they think of us, but until that happens, I’m so glad that we can vent & in some way lean on each other on here 😌🙏

Not always someone else

my wife had told me for years she wasn’t happy, a few times in the last year I’ve heard the statement painting a smile for the kids, we instantly split over 2 years ago mostly because my behaviour, selfish and not putting much effort in my family. We secretly reconnect after 6 weeks and the following 5 months where it was just us had probably been the best in our 10 year relationship, we continued living separately and I tried to change into the person she built me up to be in her head, me working way was the last reason, but we’ll before that stage the dead eyes, painted smile and constant bickering I was disconnecting for months.
there doesn’t have to be anybody else’s sometimes couples hit a point when they realise they’ve tried and maybe it wold be happier for both to give up.
I never realised I was about to wake the Devil by suggesting we should probably restart the divorce, after all the was I seen in she checked out over a year ago 🤦🏻‍♂️

@notenough2023 good morning. That’s interesting to hear from a male perspective. My H swears there’s no one else, that he was deeply unhappy because of the arguments in our marriage. For me, he withdrew following major issues with his depression and he withdrew from all sex, affection etc. he became quite verbally abusive and he’s now ‘ghosted’ me - ridiculously, because I no longer recognise the loving husband that he’s become, I’m hoping against hope that he’ll realise what he’s walked away from at some point - my mental health is in the gutter and my DD is so very miserable. She tells me that he doesn’t seem much happier either.

can I ask - you and your wife are now going ahead with the divorce? Had the divorce been issued when you decided to try again?

i believe we are done now, and the divorce will be going ahead this time, I’ll not get in to all he said she said especially I’ve been 🤐
fundamentally I can’t stand arguments let alone arguments over anything and everything,

@notenough2023 did you try to reconcile after 5 weeks of being separated or were you separated longer and the reconciliation is more recent?

it was 6 week,s but yes we tried for for the last 2,5 years

This week is a real rollercoaster. Today I'm feeling awful because I'm the one that has left the marriage even though he was abusive. I feel guilty and horrible for hurting him. It's crazy. I know it is crazy. I need to stop being crazy.
Sending hugs to all.

Im also in a terrible state today; I miss my husband so much, it’s been 3.5 months now, surely this pain should be easing rather than getting worse?

my psychologist told me this morning that we’re having 2 more sessions and then she’s discharging me because I’m not making any progress, and that I’m not employing the skills to move on from thinking about him. So I’m back to having worrying thoughts.

and pathetically, not helped at all by having 3 tarot readings since he left (2 by the same woman) in which I drew exactly the same cards and in which I was told by both women that he’ll be back

I’m beyond miserable - will this ever end? I’m back to starting to think that there’s only one way out as I can’t feel like this for the rest of my life

@PotsnPan - I'm so sorry you are having a difficult week. I'm hanging onto the phrase "this too shall pass". I know it will get better and I need to ride it out. It sounds as though you are in a really bad way. Can you get some emergency support?
I'm sending hugs to you.

@Itisallgoingtobeok @PotsnPan I’m so sorry you’re both having a hard day today, I’m going to join in with that if I can. @PotsnPan you do sound incredibly low, could you possibly see your GP and get some temporary AD help? I can 100% relate to how you feel, I’ve been there on 2 or 3 occasions in my life - all caused by relationships. My self esteem has always been quite low I think, but the end of my marriage has taken it to a new level.

I’m a very similar amount of time down the road as you are (approx 4 months) and for the past 2 to 3 weeks I have felt a little bit better, accepting of things, and have had moments of looking ahead quite comfortably. There haven’t been many tears lately. But then wham!, last night we had a row (we’re still living together, hopefully only for a few more weeks) and I catapulted back a few stages. Today, I have been crying on and off for most of the day - crying to a client this morning, silent crying now I’m back ‘home’ and upstairs. I’ve just had my shower, and standing in the bathroom trying to apply moisturiser & eye gel, the tears have been rolling down my face non stop.

It really is steps forward followed by steps back. The rejection is what I’m finding hard to deal with, XH hasn’t always been the most emotionally supportive over the years and he has a coldness I’ve never got used to in 18 years together. Obviously it wasn’t all bad, not at all, but on reflection I don’t think it’s been good for me, and I think our problems go back further than I want to admit. But even rejection from a husband I’m probably better off separating from, is hard to bear. As so many people say on Mumsnet, what we’re missing & grieving for is the relationship we once HAD, not the relationship that it became. It’s very hard to not go down the route of ‘all those years wasted with the wrong person’

As for your misery never ending, it absolutely, categorically, definitely will do, but try not to give it a time frame - don’t tell yourself it’s been x months so I should be over it. No, you shouldn’t be over it, allow yourself to feel those feelings, they are utterly & completely NORMAL. And I agree with the saying / mantra ‘this too shall pass’ as mentioned by @Itisallgoingtobeok . It really will.

There’s another saying that I’ve always liked, and for the 1st few weeks I had it on my iPad wallpaper. ‘Everything will be alright in the end. And if it isn’t alright, then it’s not yet the end’. I’m not a religious or particularly spiritual person but I love that saying (first heard on The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel!).

Thank you @Itisallgoingtobeok and wow @AloneAgain2023 - I could have written that myself. I’m menstrual so hoping that’s the reason I’m back to square one - I’m currently lying on my old bed in my mum’s house, my 80 year old mum fussing over me and whilst I’m 43, it’s what I need right now.

can’t bear being in my once-lovely home. My husband has ghosted me, I’ve had years of supporting him thru his mental health episodes, I’ve stood by him thru a gambling addiction, we’ve been thru an awful infertility journey together from which I’ve got scars over my stomach from laparoscopies. I’ve given him a child in the form of my beautiful daughter, I’ve given him loving in-laws who he’s said he feels closer to than his own parents, I’ve given him a normal adult life. I’ve been a good wife, a good mum, kept a good home and worked so hard. I’ve been questioning my self worth these last few months but feeling a bit more worthy the last week or so

I am desperately mourning my old life and it was for the best part good, but also shitty parts too.

for years I’ve had him tell me that he’ll grow old and lonely on his own, even though we’re married. I’ve had him self-loathing, issues with his mum, and I’ve tried to be there. And now he’s fulfilling his own prophecy - preferring to live in his mums box room and absolutely destroying the lives of me and my DD who is also in bits - why?!

sorry for long rant - I’ve just had enough heartache and I don’t know why he has done this to us

@Itisallgoingtobeok I can completely relate to your post last night about apologies & validation. My husband is the same, he’s so utterly & completely locked into his version of why the relationship died, that I feel that no matter what I’ve said or how often, I’ve never really felt heard.
Everything is totally justified by them, no room for self doubt at all.

I’ve come to see that I’ve felt invisible and unheard for quite a long time, any time over the years I wanted to voice my grievances, he just justified things. I too would love to feel validated in how I felt and how much this has hurt me. More often than not though, despite trying to keep calm and non confrontational, he gets defensive and bring things back to being about himself.

I can never quite feel a sense of closure, no matter how often I bring things up. Particularly about whether there is someone else - his story has changed a couple of times, only giving a little bit more info each time I push. And time is running out, I’ll be moving out in the next few weeks and so that whole chapter will draw to a close, no opportunity ever again to talk about it.

Like you say, we need to find a way to be able to let it go. I guess things don’t always have a tidy & neat ending, not everything gets tied up. We need to somehow make peace with that 😞

Hugs & support to everyone 💐

@PotsnPan Oh your story sounds so harsh 😞 I have acknowledged & held my hand up to what I did wrong in our marriage, but you sound as though you have given your H so so much!

Without wanting to sound too ‘hard faced’, there must come a point where you will just have to look ahead for yourself and your daughter. What I mean by that is, although he’s your husband and he has issues, you are not responsible for fixing everything. It sounds like he has made certain decisions & choices in life that are keeping him stuck in his own self loathing / self pitying. I don’t mean to sound like I’m belittling his MH problems, but you can’t & shouldn’t be dragged down there with him. You are able to live your life with your daughter even if he is stuck in one place.

I obviously don’t know either of you so feel free to dismiss my post!! 😆 Sometimes an outsider can see things from a different angle though?

Speaking of outsiders, could you arrange to see a different counsellor? Counselling is something I’m considering, although I’m hoping that once I move out into my flat I will have plenty to distract me, for a few weeks at least. You mentioned that you’re going to be discharged, could you see someone else? A few people on Mumsnet have mentioned in the past about trying one or two counsellors before they find someone they gel with.

Lots of good wishes to you going forward 💐

Thank you @AloneAgain2023 - your advice is greatly appreciated and actually the same advice that all the professionals are giving me - I need to focus on myself and not him - I’m accessing all the support I can get, it’s the psychologist who’s discharging me and then I can go back to a counsellor.

My husband can’t be forced to address his issues, nor do I believe he thinks they’re as serious as what they are - he forgets that I’ve lived with him. He’s telling me it’s all rosey back at his mums house but from what my daughter tells me, he’s anything but

I’ve not helped myself seeing these tarot readers, they’ve all given me hope but I need to move away from the marriage now.

Although I’ve never done the Tarot cards or anything similar, I think most people can relate to anything that might give us ‘hope’.

I find that, even now in my situation (relationship over, divorce started, no going back), I occasionally look for signs of regret - is he sad? regretful? feeling lonely yet? Unfortunately there’s no sign whatsoever, and so it keeps hurting! Silly really, because it IS the right thing to separate and even if he came to me tomorrow wanting to turn the clock back, the answer would have to be no.

But I guess it’s partly low confidence / low self esteem / maybe a bit of pride, that makes us want to have a bit of ‘hope’!

You will almost certainly reach a point where you will see some clarity and a way forward for just you & your daughter. 🤞

Sorry to all experiencing the this horrible process. I hope I'm not intruding here, but I'm a husband who is regrettably I'm in the same boat. Been together 15 years, endured all the ups and downs you'd expect in that time, and have a 9 year old son who we both adore. Family time has always been everything we could have hoped for, and he idolises us both. To the outside world we have everything going for us, and through our hard work and dedication we live a life full of so many positives. But between us, we cannot make it work. We've had a few rounds of being on the verge of splitting up, but we battled on, probably for the sake of our son, but now the writing is on the wall. I'm crushed at the thought of no longer being a family, I love my wife and son more than I ever thought possible and when we are together and we're laughing, joking, making memories I often think I'm luckiest man in the world. But our dedication as parents was at the cost of us a as a couple - high pressure jobs, unaddressed issues between us and resentment has taken it's toll.

I barely recognise my wife now, she seems completely at peace with all this while I'm struggling to get through each day. She's been my best friend, my sounding board, and someone I would trust in a heartbeat. I believe I've supported her through some very dark times, and even now wish I could find a way to find that connection we used to have. I'm struggling to fathom how someone I was so close with has become so distant. I have faults and I fully acknowledge my role in the marital breakdown. Like many men I trundled on knowing things were not ideal, but in the grand scheme of things life was good, nothing to warrant a divorce. But, it's very much happening though, and I am struggling.

I grieve the loss of us, our family, the memories we made and had planned to make, and I wish our son would not have to endure the upset that is coming his way. People say it gets better with time, there will be a "new" normal etc, but I can't see it right now. It will take me years to feel better again, I loved being a family man and adjusting to life as a single-dad feels empty.

I don't have any advice or support to offer, I'm going through the rollercoaster at the moment, all I would say is that if anyone reads this who feels there is trouble on the horizon, make the effort to make it better if it's worth fighting for. Swallow your pride and find whatever compromises or kindness you can. There's been no foul play in our story, just two people who drifted, took each other for granted and realised one day the love was gone. In a way that's more difficult to accept because you are haunted by all the times it would have taken very little to have done things differently and the missed opportunities to build bridges, or simple apologies that might have helped avoid the grim reality of what divorce is.

I wanted to share my story, and wish everyone going through this horrible time all the best.

@Walkonit welcome, although that doesn’t seem an appropriate word for this particular’club’.

So sorry you are also going through the same / similar. It’s interesting hearing stories that don’t actually involve the ‘other woman / man’, many do but not all.

Being plunged back into a different & single life when it isn’t necessarily your choice is so tough to process. I have no children so it’s one complication less, but the emotions will be very much the same. My experience is a little similar to yours in the sense that things remained
un-dealt with for a long time, and resentments grew. I suspect in any long relationship there is going to be a degree of taking each other for granted though, it must surely be almost a normal part of things. We all know what we SHOULD do to ‘nurture’ our marriages / relationships but daily life sometimes gets in the way.

Unfortunately in my case, I suspect my soon to be ex husband was looking over the garden wall for quite a while! I hold my hand up & acknowledge my part in the deterioration but I can’t be held responsible for all of it. I do think for some people (perhaps more men than women?), the grass always looks greener over the hill! Like you, I enjoyed married life, that feeling of being a team / partnership through life and into old age.

You are right in what you say, if anyone is reading this who may be on the brink of problems, or who is brushing them under the carpet, you can turn it round by COMMUNICATING. We didn’t communicate well together, and that really doesn’t help.

Like so many on here, watching your other half become a distant, detached stranger is incredibly painful, particularly when you can see that they have no regrets about their decision. I’m currently still living with my stbxh, waiting to move out, and although generally it’s amicable, I struggle with watching him beginning to live his new, separate life. You don’t want a ‘new normal’, you want the old normal. I’m sure we can all relate to that.

Wishing you all the best, and feel free to vent or look for advice on here - I find it really helpful especially as I don’t know anyone in real life going through it!

Thanks AloneAgain2023. Not a nice club to be in, but through the past few weeks I've read this thread to try and gain some perspective. Its helped massively, but also when I read some of the terrible stories where clearly there is no alternative but to split, I look at our situation and kick myself that we let ourselves get to this point. Its easy to look back now and be wise after the event, but the daily stresses and strains of life cause friction that weaken a marriage over time. To me they were part of life and when I view our life as a whole I'd say the positives far outweighed the negatives, but if your life partner doesn't feel the same, what can you do?

The hard part of definitely seeing my wife carry on daily life seemingly without a care in the world. It makes me feel stupid for not being able to deal with it the same way, as currently I'm grieving the relationship / loss of family and worry of an uncertain future. I know we are all wired differently, but separation and the unravelling process of a life you shared together is a traumatic experience and it's not something I can't move on from that quickly.

For me, I never looked elsewhere and saw the grass being greener, but I know many people do. I guess the question is how many people make that step and can truly say it was the right move to make? All I know is, it's going to be rough ride for a while now. I can't really communicate with my wife, she's a different person these days. I want to remain amicable, but we have some tough conversations to come about how we split childcare, finances etc and I fear this is going to be a strained process as I don't feel I'm dealing with the same person I married.

Hi everyone. Here I am crying on the sofa at gone 1.00am. Counselling went really well and I made the fatal mistake of allowing myself to hope. We were talking this evening and something flipped a switch and he started having a go at me, seemingly trying to be as mean as he could, bringing up his (legitimate) grievances but just spitting them at me. I tried to use the stuff the counsellor suggested and he sneered and threw it back at me. It just hurts so much.

Hi @PotsnPan , we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster than they can afford to spare.