Had to call ex DH to come over... what else could I have done?

[Churrotime]

Sat in tears as I feel like I'll never be able to function without him. We've been separated 4 months and I've done well so far. However whilst looking after our children this afternoon, I came over with crippling stomach cramps, rolling around on the floor. My 8 year old was crying and the pain was so debilitating I could barely speak and was sweating. I then had to swiftly get to a toilet and went all faint before almost passing out before passing diarrhoea.

I have zero family around me.

My daughter brought me my phone and I instantly called my ex as I genuinely thought I was about to collapse in pain. I already have a bowel condition and it appears I've come down with a stomach bug, so I do get intense, crippling stomach pains not dissimilar to child birth due to my already sensitive stomach. The pain is so similar to child birth infact that I didn't even realise that I was in labour during the early stages and almost gave birth in the car as I thought the pain would have been worse.

He came over within 15 minutes and he found me in the bathroom in a right state. My daughter crying next to me. He came in and held my hand whilst I'm sat there shitting, my torso draped over his shoulder! I then threw up in the sink! He had to help me to bed.

I'm so embarrassed.
But also how do I be ill in the future when he's not around to help/be there for our kids? He has since taken them for the evening and I'm able to rest but I'm just devastated that I had to rely on him. Luckily, he still has a key for our house. It's not like I could ever call on a friend to find me in such a state. My daughter was terrified when she found me in such a state.

Although he's helped me, he hasn't exactly understood why I called him saying "it's not like you haven't had pain like that before." I've had to explain to him that it's completely different when I'm solely responsible for our kids and in that level of pain. It is genuinely the worst pain I've ever had when my stomach is off.

Hate that I've had to rely on him.
And hate even more that he's had to come in the bathroom to me whilst having diarrhoea! 🤦‍♀️

Gosh poor you. I think you are right to call him so he can have the children. If you are incapacitated it’s his responsibility to parent the children.

Possibly come up with a plan in case of future illnesses. I don’t think it was necessary for him to be in the bathroom with you? I’d prefer to take my chances alone.

I genuinely felt that I was going to pass out and potentially hit my head @Badbudgeter I called him in to hold on to him. I'm so embarrassed but I didn't know what else to do

Of course you should be able to rely on him at any time. He is co parent. If you are too ill to parent your child, he should step in immediately whatever the circumstances and without question. Don't feel guilty or concerned for having expected him to do his bare minimum job as a dad. I hope you get better soon.

You’re being very hard on yourself. You did what you needed to do and so did he. Hopefully you won’t be this poorly again (as you say this is the worst it has ever been). The fact is, he’s someone you could call on. That’s a good thing. You don’t have to be in each others pockets but having each others backs as parents is a good thing.

If you didn’t have the kids with you would you have called him? I expect you wouldn’t. You called him because you were scared you couldn’t care for the children in the state you was in. That’s why their father came to get them.

I'm really sorry OP. That pain sounds dreadful.

However, while calling your ex to help care for the DC sounds fine, being in the bathroom with him while you were unwell / on the toilet, is not appropriate any longer.

I don't know the circumstances of your break up. Of course, if it's amicable, he may be able to help eg get food or medicine.

But for your own sake, you need to manage, personally, without him. I know that's hard.

I'm a single parent. My ex is an abusive nightmare so there was no help there. Unfortunately I have just had to manage when I've been I'll. Thankfully only occasionally.

I hope you feel better soon.

Are you going to ring him whenever you're Ill? It's absolutely awful looking after kids when Ill but many women have to do it. There's lone parents with no family that simply have no option but to just crack on. I get why you rang him, but realistically you can't ring him every time you get a bout of the squits.

Ringing him to come and get the kids is fine because he's their father and needs to make sure they are safe, but him coming in the bathroom and holding you while you're on the loo is not I'm afraid.

@EarringsandLipstick No, she doesn’t have to learn to manage on her own, she has an active co parent I have 3DDs. ExH1 would be round in a shot (lives approx 40 mins away) if any of the three called him to say I was in extreme pain, and I’d do the same if our two were with him (although he’d call his sister or parents as they’re 10 mins away!) ExH2 is an abusive cunt who’s never met our child.

So I am both a co parent to my eldest two and a totally lone parent to my youngest. There is a vast difference between the two; in fact I don’t think ExH1 and ExH2 and my relationships/post split relationships could be more different if we tried.

It's happened but what you need to do now is reflect on it and put measurements in place for the future.

There are two issues here. The first how are you going to cope without your husband as a sole parent. I would recommend seeing your gp and really getting to the bottom and help for your condition. That's no life for you and completely unacceptable from a health care point of view.

The second is the state your children were in. This is the point that worries me the most about your post. Your children shouldn't be in a state because of you. As a sole parent you put on a brave face and tell them to stay in another room. My heart goes out to them. Parents splitting up and you acting that way in front of them. The emotional issues they must have is so sad.

Yes it's good when people split up that they can co parent especially in emergency situations. Op are you being really honest with yourself here? Did you contact him so he would feel sorry for you/manipulation. You called him for the children but he had to put them to one side in there screaming state for you. If you were that bad why not call an ambulance or 111?

You have to learn to let him go and be independent. If your health is that bad maybe its better for dad to have full custody until you get better.

I really do hope you get better soon but please put your children first.

Following my separation my ex was the last person I would have wanted to help me.

Clear boundaries was and still are very important to me.

Uhhhh yes you should rely on him to come and look after the kids and or take them until you recover just not expect him to look after you too now that's how it should be

OP, ExH1 had to come and sort me out when Norovirus ripped through my house; all 3 DDs (at the time they were 10, 8 and 2) had it first and I was last. Oh boy, was I ever unwell. I don’t remember much about it, but suffice to say he had to get me off the toilet, into the shower to hose me down before bundling me in the car to take me A&E where I stayed for 36 hours on a drip as my temp was 40.9C and I couldn’t even keep water down. He also had to take emergency parental leave to look after all three children during that time.

My only other option was my 72 year old Grandmother and I was not going to call her. My friends were either working or too scared to come into the Plague house.

Shit happens

"Acting that way"
@MissMarpleofstmarymead
I can tell you point blank that there was zero "acting" going on at all. I am saying that this is pain is comparable to childbirth and you're telling me I need to put on a brave face to fear of damaging my kids.

Are you insane?

No, she doesn’t have to learn to manage on her own

Maybe read my post again?

she has an active co parent

She does. And he can co-parent. That does not extend to holding her while she uses the bathroom. It's hard but she needs boundaries.

As I wrote, and you failed to read, she can ask him to help / take the DC. But not help her personally in the bathroom.

💯 this

So sorry you have been so ill.

There’s nothing wrong with calling him over and no reason you shouldn’t in future, he is your co-parent.

Never mind the bathroom thing - he saw you give birth presumably. But since you have this issue then make the bathroom safer going forward - something to lean on and a rug or a rubber floor. Going forward you don’t want that happening again but there is no need to be embarrassed.

You are just feeling shit right now, that will pass and you will manage fine.

Don’t minimise and mock a chronic bowel condition as a ‘bout of the squits’. They can be horrible, deeply painful and occasionally shaming conditions to have.

I can tell my child to leave me until I'm blue in the face @MissMarpleofstmarymead but she tends to be a sufferer of empathy, so didn't want to leave me.
Atleast you don't have that problem.

Also it’s very easy to pass out during such bowel episodes, due to irritation of the vasovagal nerve.

I'm not sure that poster meant 'acting' as in 'pretending'. Rather, 'behaving'.

The post was harsh. But I agree in parts - you cannot have your children being scared and in a state. I've been really ill around my DC. My ex would only revel in it. So I had to cope. Awful but I did it. You've got to parent. Yes, get him to take DC but you need to manage the rest yourself.

God. That's a nasty post.

To be honest, I have Colitis and I can’t stand anyone being near me during a flare up; I’m sweaty, grey, in agony and my bowel is exploding. I can’t think of anything worse than someone trying to hold my hand. I hated being touched whilst in Labour too.

I missed that part of the OP (in my defence I’ve been to two soft play birthday parties today and I am fried) and I agree, that’s inappropriate and I’d have just wanted him to get the kids away from me, especially if they’d wound themselves up into a state. When I had Noro I was delirious with fever and covered in… Various bodily fluids. And it was an emergency situation that required A&E/1.5 days in hospital.

OP you need to get a well stocked medicine cabinet as a priority. I’ve got through many illnesses as a single parent, and with 3 children in different schools/day care, believe me when I say it’s many and the saving grace is basically having a small pharmacy in your home.

@MissMarpleofstmarymead

e second is the state your children were in. This is the point that worries me the most about your post. Your children shouldn't be in a state because of you. As a sole parent you put on a brave face and tell them to stay in another room. My heart goes out to them. Parents splitting up and you acting that way in front of them. The emotional issues they must have is so sad.

Fortunately your incredibly nasty and inaccurate post hasn’t been taken to heart my the OP. Despite her distress she can see how idiotic it is. I have no idea if you are pissed, plain nasty, or genuinely deluded, but go and sort yourself out.

For the record, my bowel condition is IBD and also chronic gastritis, my gall bladder is also often affected and can become inflamed during a flare up. The pain is genuinely horrific when all issues are flared up at the same time so any form of bug or intolerance will wreak havoc.

I'm embarrassed.
I wish I hadn't have called him into the bathroom.
I know it's dramatic but from a pain point of view; It felt like I was dying.