Had to call ex DH to come over... what else could I have done?

[Churrotime]

Sat in tears as I feel like I'll never be able to function without him. We've been separated 4 months and I've done well so far. However whilst looking after our children this afternoon, I came over with crippling stomach cramps, rolling around on the floor. My 8 year old was crying and the pain was so debilitating I could barely speak and was sweating. I then had to swiftly get to a toilet and went all faint before almost passing out before passing diarrhoea.

I have zero family around me.

My daughter brought me my phone and I instantly called my ex as I genuinely thought I was about to collapse in pain. I already have a bowel condition and it appears I've come down with a stomach bug, so I do get intense, crippling stomach pains not dissimilar to child birth due to my already sensitive stomach. The pain is so similar to child birth infact that I didn't even realise that I was in labour during the early stages and almost gave birth in the car as I thought the pain would have been worse.

He came over within 15 minutes and he found me in the bathroom in a right state. My daughter crying next to me. He came in and held my hand whilst I'm sat there shitting, my torso draped over his shoulder! I then threw up in the sink! He had to help me to bed.

I'm so embarrassed.
But also how do I be ill in the future when he's not around to help/be there for our kids? He has since taken them for the evening and I'm able to rest but I'm just devastated that I had to rely on him. Luckily, he still has a key for our house. It's not like I could ever call on a friend to find me in such a state. My daughter was terrified when she found me in such a state.

Although he's helped me, he hasn't exactly understood why I called him saying "it's not like you haven't had pain like that before." I've had to explain to him that it's completely different when I'm solely responsible for our kids and in that level of pain. It is genuinely the worst pain I've ever had when my stomach is off.

Hate that I've had to rely on him.
And hate even more that he's had to come in the bathroom to me whilst having diarrhoea! 🤦‍♀️

I am shocked that there's people on this thread trying to make the OP feel bad for her what happened. At the end of the day, he's your children's father. They were scared and needed him. He helped you as any normal human being with a heart would. I'm sure If roles were reserved you would do the same. Emergencies happen, you can't predict life. Just move on and forget about it. Make shes to give your kids loads of love and reassurance when they get back. Get well soon

Really you don't need to feel bad. You were in a terrible situation while looking after your children. He was the right person to come and help, especially since it was a lot more than a bout of the squits.

Good God you're awful

You are quite unbalanced. There is something wrong with you

@Eyerollcentral so you decide for some reason that the OP is making shit up and should suck it up and act normal around her dc but then go all sympathetic to another poster who says her mum couldn't hide the pain from her. Get you with your inconsistent ramblings.

I think mixed amongst the bile there have been some useful and practical suggestions on this thread.

The points I spotted were having spare things in the bathroom, painkillers in (though frankly if you have ibd I can't imagine you aren't a walking pharmacy!), and some easy food in.

I'd recommend Idahoan instant mash as a (for me) stomach friendly food.

I have quite severe IBS and I remember one episode when I also got a stomach bug being so awful I couldn't do anything but lay on the floor whimpering and groaning. I got myself to the bathroom and just lay on the floor all night between bouts of vomiting and diarrhoea. I've never been in as much pain in my life and I couldn't think straight at all. I was living alone and instead of calling my parents, I called the Samaritans which retrospectively was ridiculous. I knew it couldn't be going to kill me, logically, but the pain was so awful I felt like I might die of the pain alone.

So I can see one might not always do exactly the most optimal thing. I think calling your ex to have your kids in that situation is fine. I know you said you didn't feel anyone else should see you in that state, but I'd be happy to come and look after any friend who was feeling that unwell, maybe it's worth discussing it before hand with a couple of friends? If you mentioned this story to me my instant reaction would be "oh my gosh, next time call me!"

OP your post started with saying that you feel you will never function without him but noted that you had got through 4 months alone. Your post ended with him drawing a boundary. So could you start the same? Not boundaries as I think you are yearning a bit for the life you had. But writing down or visualising what life will look like in the future. Both the good and the bad, but especially the good. Next time he has the kids maybe. You had this under control for 4 months but even if you hadn’t, you can still do this. It takes time. But focus on what is ahead and how to get what you want for yourself and the kids out of that future.

Don't feel too bad about it. I'm guessing it was so bad you would have asked anyone for help who was in the house at the time?

It will take time.

I wish you best of luck with your health. Parenting with a health condition is hard.

Oh, OP I really feel for you. I can't imagine how scared you must have been for you and your empathic little one(s).

What a combination! The fear of maybe being incapacitated as a mother, the very very real fear of a medical emergency and the fact that someone you used to know intimately has had to see you in a very vulnerable and somewhat embarrassing position.

BUT there is a hope on the horizon! For what it's worth (and please feel free to scroll on past, I am not medically trained) here are my thoughts:

1. Normalise your medical condition to your children. Teach them about it and reassure them that it DOES pass and Mummy will be ok! Give them roles to be either participants (if mature enough) or to get them out of the way. Practise.

2. Customise your bathroom so that you have everything you need to survive an episode alone. Fit a panic button to a nearby friend (maybe not the ex!) in case shit gets real. Lots of pads and towels to break any fall due to fainting. Suitable medicine.

3. Get clued up. Read around your illness, is there anything further you can do to prevent or alleviate. Read recent publications as information you may have learnt in the past may not be relevant any more. Science advances, there may be help out there! Get professional guidance.

4. ASK your ex what he wants/thinks and talk to him. Talk to him about your recent situation and ask him how he felt and in the future how far he is willing to be involved. Try to do this impassionately. Respect his opinions and make sure he knows you are making efforts to find solutions that work for everyone

What has happened is a shocking, unfortunate accident. You have a horrid medical condition that is unpredictable, painful and scary, but don't let it happen in the same way again! As an adult with full-time responsibilities it puts you in a near impossible situation.. but you can and will work towards safeguarding your child/children from fear their mummy is ill.

Trust in your intelligence. Trust in your child/children's ability to understand. Make wise choices. Thank your ex for helping, but move forward
💐

Hi......
I am not going to add to the "few" disappointing comments made which I considered to be really quite crazy but hey ho.

You did as many said, worked at co parenting in a really good way.Take the positive that dad was a reliable person and that your child experienced seeing this, albeit they were upset. You are probably feeling low and it's a reminder of how our lives are without another person being there all the time. You will reflect and you will move on as a stronger person. Good luck.

Firstly, I really do hope you're feeling a great deal better this morning. I have a chronic bowel condition/s and it's utterly shite, so you have my sympathy.

Secondly, bloody ignore the vile, vicious posters from last night. Disgusting.

I think you did absolutely the right thing by calling your ex, he's their dad and until recently, your husband! For the people saying they have to just get on with it because they haven't got any such support, well the OP did have someone for support and she called them!
I think it sends a positive message to your child/children that even though their mum and dad aren't together now, they are still able to support and have each other's backs.

Take care of yourself. You're going through a lot right now

I do find it weird that posters seem to expect the ExH to have turned up, take the kids and just leave the OP without checking on her. I don’t think anyone would do that?

Looking at the names of those posters, I'm not surprised at all. They've long indicated that they're the type not to see any reason why a man might ever continue to give a shit about a woman he married and who is the mother of his children, just because they're no longer in a romantic/sexual relationship.

It is fair enough to ring and ask him to come over and take charge of children but you really don't have any right to ask him to hold your hand while you shit. Or even to be in toilet with you. He is not your partner anymore. He is still children's Dad hence ok to ask him to come over and take care of your children. What would you do if he was far away when you rang him?

@caringcarer where in her post does she say that she asked him to come into the bathroom, or to hold her hand? It doesn’t say that at all.

Do you both have new partners / kids with someone else. That changes things.

The username doesn't go with the post.

She 'doesn't have a right'?? What on earth am I reading.

I'm not sure how much use empathy is in this case...

Yes it's awful the OP felt so ill. But if the OP had voice enough to use a phone for help, you can have voice enough to also reassure your clearly very upset child. Simply empathising about the horror of the situation means next time it happens you still have a traumatised child.

Preparing DD beforehand about a reoccurring disorder when you know it might happen, teaching DD which neighbours to contact in an emergency and teaching your child how to contact the emergency services if you need it means your child is less likely to be scared if anything truly awful were to happen.

DD at three was able to very calmly walk into where her grandparents were to tell them to call an ambulance when I was delivering first aid to DS. At 8 she could get her and DS ready for school because I told her I was too ill to get out of bed (i even got myself to the doctors by Taxi despite bearly being able to stand).

Whether you are a single parent or not, there are times you have to get through stuff because help cant get to you in time or is on holiday. And you do. I'm not sure why you wouldn't believe get through stuff if you have no choice.

That doesn't mean you're wrong to get help, if you have an ex that will come that's great.

But the OP did specifically ask what else could I have done. It's the actual title of the thread. I don't think you can be surprised when people say what else could have been done.

One of the biggest adjustments when you go from being a couple to a single is realising your first port of call for help might actually have to be you.

@Teaandtoast3 read one of OP's updates where she said she called him through to go in the toilet to help her.

How dare she! What a bitch!

Why would anyone need help on the toilet?

Op's dh was presumably dealing with the kids...

If they're sick and distressed, they could possibly use some comfort.

It's OK, Girl, I know how you feel about that.